soma

I'm actually more happy with myself and my life than ever before right now, but there are certain things I know I need to improve upon if I want to continue living happily. Two of these things are confidence and assertiveness. I seem to be having quite a few experiences where my lack of confidence and assertiveness become quite apparent to me and those around me. I know there is no over night solution, but do you guys have any tips on becomming more confident and assertive? I've been to about.com and google.com and tried to find some information there and have found some, but it all is very ... text bookish. I'd like to hear some advice from real people. It would be even more interesting to hear advice from those who have been in my situation.

As always, thanks .

tecoyah

Perception is the Key to this. What you project, is indeed, what you are.
Just decide that you are capable, and then "Do" something about it.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

tiltedbc

For me, it was travelling by myself. You're forced to make decisons quickly and with real life consequences.

MacGuyver

As far as confidence goes, all I can say is have faith in yourself. When looking to be more confident, just think that one thing you can always depend on is yourself, and then make it true. Make sure you can always support yourself no matter what. Even through failures, hard times, and bad decisions, I always feel better knowing that I had the strength to make a decision, and that no matter what type of predicament I am in, it's because of something I have had the ability to control.

__________________
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
---Aristotle

Deeds, not words, shall speak [for] me.
---John Fletcher

NotMVH

Confidence is just a theory, it has nothing to do with tangabile results or aspects but the principle of faith. I stay focused on ignoring those definitions and realize that what is important is what I can and can't do. People interpret my behavior as confident while I merely tell then what I am capable of and what I am working towards. Its not that I have faith in myself, its that I can and will do it.

Gilda

I've had some pretty dark times growing up, and here's something I was taught that helped me: positive visualization. When you're confronted with a difficult new situation, if you have time, stop and visualize a positive outcome.

Let's say it's asking a girl out on a date. Close your eyes and picture yourself asking her out. You're confident, at ease, you speak clearly and assertively. You're charming, and she says yes.

Now lets try visualizing a rejection. Picture yourself asking her out. You're confident, at ease, you speak clearly and with authority, and she says no. But you take it in stride, you're not upset, and you continue on with your day unhindered by things not quite going your way.

Now you've imagined the two most likely outcomes, and the worse one isn't bad at all. You can proceed without fear of failure because failing isn't a bad thing, but suceeding would be a great thing.

soma

Good stuff all around. tecoyah's and a combination of the other advice seems to be working for me so far. Projecting a positive self image is something that reminds me of the movie Blow, where Johnny Depps talks about how outward visualization and projection are key to successfully getting drugs past customs. Now, I have no aspiration to peddle drugs myself, but this advice certainly helps. I stopped slouching completely while walking aroung campus, and that has helped. It seems I get into fewer of those situations where I'm about to cross paths with another person, and he/she will allow me to go first, then in my hesitation, I'll let them go first, and there is sort of an awkward moment when we both try to go at the same time.

MacGuyver, your comment on supporting yourself no matter what helped me make it through the other day. I often times blow things out of proportion and let small things eat away at me. This goes back to the whole perception thing. I think I'm starting to get a clearer picture of what confidence is.

Any more advice is very welcome. And again: Thanks!

Carno

lol... When I see that about to happen, I usually just pretend to look off into the distance so they think I don't see them, and they have to move if they don't want to get run into

As far as confidence goes, start to work out a little if you don't already work out. Admire yourself in the mirror. Think positive. What you think, you become. But you have to make a conscious effort to be more assertive. Whenever you see a chance to be assertive, take it. Don't be scared of situations. You have to make a conscious effort to change.

When I was younger I used to never look people in the eyes and I was really quiet and introverted. One day I just realized that I needed to be more outgoing and assertive, so I thought about ways to make myself more confident. I began to look people directly in the eyes, no matter how awkward it seemed to me. I began to talk to strangers in the lunch line. Just little stuff at first.

Cynthetiq

For me it's hearing motivational speeches...

From Vince Lombardi's "What it Takes to be Number One" to Ben Affleck's "Act As If..." in Boiler Room.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

filtherton

It used to be that if i ever felt intimidated i imagined the person who made me feel intimidated taking a crap. I would picture them with the kind've embarassed look most dogs have if you look them in the eye whilst they're crapping. It often made me feel more confident.

Otherwise, there's always ass pennies...

frogza

I am a very quiet person, always have been. I have learned to be very confident & assertive though. What has helped me was first, education, and I'm not talking about school. I take time to read and think about what I've read each day. Now, with almost any topic, I can contribute or at least understand what is being discussed.

The second is excersise. I went from 6'5, 125 lbs to 210 with a BMI of 12. The increase in size helped but I think that the biggest help was the increase in endorphins. I don't get stressed about hardly anything. I feel comortable in any setting.

Ultimately though you'll have to come up with your own recipe. Think about situations where you do feel confident, then figure out why. After that it's just a matter of applying that to as many areas of your life as you like. Don't try and fool yourself with gimmicks though. (Like the nude audience trick) Your subconcience is a lot smarter than you may think. You'll eventually reach a point where the hollow confidence of the gimmick won't cut it, then your stuck.

soma

Ok, I need some help here. During dinner tonight, this jerk decided to make some fun comments about me which I didn't too much appreicate. We've played poker together and I think he's been able to get a good sense of my confidence lacking personality. Instead of taking it as I usually would, I verbally sparred with him and kept my emotions in check the entire time. That was good, but my lack of wit came through and I eventually crumpled. So I left dinner tonight feeling a bit humilated. So right now, I'm applying the whole: "have faith in your self even in the bad times" thing, and that's been good. (thanks)

So I'm wondering how I should deal with this person from now on? Should I pretend like nothing happened between me and him, should I continue to verbally spar with him whenever he provokes it, or should I do my best just to ignore him. There isn't any hostility between the two of us, but a tiny bit of tension is beginning to develop. I can't avoid him all together because we hang out with the same group of folks.

Carno

Just ignore him. He's probably trying to get a rise out of you, so if you ignore him he will eventually leave you alone.

Whenever he says something about you, just try and give him a look like he's acting like a child and/or say something to that effect.

munchen

Was it real insults or just ball busting?

__________________
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun" -Matt Groening

Gilda

It's possible that he didn't know that he was hurting your feelings. I listen to the way the teenage boys in my classes rank on each other, and I'm amazed at how this serves as a form of bonding ritual for many of them. It may be that he's just treating you like one of his guy friends, taking shots as a way of being harmlessly entertaining, without realizing that it's possible to cause real hurt.

Or it could be that he was just being a jerk. The tone of the conversation is important in understanding the difference.

joeshoe

:: jotting down notes ::

For me, I became less critical of myself when I became less critical of others. But that's just me... I used to be very scrutinizing.

soma

Well, it turns out (I think) that this guy I'm dealing with is just a ball buster. The other day, he was saying some stupid stuff about this other person right in front of him, which led me to believe he just plain likes to bust the balls of others. Now, being the overly sensative, can't-take-a-joke-very-well kind of guy that I am, I've never had many relationships with many people where ball busting was considered ok. I however do believe that ball busting is a two way street (am I correct in thinking this). Because of this and becase I have no interest in busting this guy's balls or anyone else's, I think I'm just going to avoid this guy when I can.

How does my plan sound?

Thanks!