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Old 11-09-2004, 02:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Depressed...Need Help...(Long Stroy)

Umm...I've typed and retyped this trying to lead up to my problems but to put it simply, I'm 22 years old with no job (never had a full time or part time job in my life), I got no friends, I did Homeschool for the last 4 years of High School because I had low self-esteem and confidence in myself (which was a big mistake to be homeschooled because it just made things worse for me), I spent most of my teen just playing video games and never leaving the house (after I finished schooling I realized that I never really enjoyed games but I was just playing them to hide from my problems), I don't have a driver's license or even know how to drive a car.

I was also born with a hearing loss and tremor in my hands which has made life difficult for me. I have trouble understanding people even when I'm wearing hearing aids and they also have trouble understanding me. I'm so uncertain of myself on whether I heard them correctly or not that I ask them to repeat what they say. I usually avoid sociaizing as much as possible because of the problem and it's tearing me apart. And when the few times people do talk to me I say very little or I just shake my head. Whenever I go out into public places I get nervous and stiff because I'm afraid of someone speaking to me.

My parents aren't happy that I haven't been working but they don't seem to mind either. They never threatened to throw me out or make me pay rent to them but they never encouraged me to try and find a job. My brothers and sister have tried to help me but I wouldn't let them help me. I want to be independent and get a full time job and move out of my parents house. I want to do things such as skiing, surfing, skydiving, bungee jumping, white water rafting, etc. but I'm to afraid to try. I don't know what to do or how to change the way I am. I'm hoping someone will point me in the right direction or just slap me in the face for being afraid of speaking to people.
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Old 11-09-2004, 02:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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self-confidence is a pillar of a normal life, and it sounds like you've lost touch with yours. start with the fact that you are abnormal, and that's *wonderful*. you can either let the challenges bestowed by nature destroy what makes you human - your mind - or you can acknowledge it and start on the path of growing within your skin.

the fact that you had the courage to be so honest on the internet is nothing to scoff at (if anybody thinks otherwise, just think of how few people are actually completing honest on the internet, even if talking with/to (maybe especially) a stranger). because of that, i think that you're the type of person who can pull himself up with his bootstraps and live as a hero against all challenge.
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Old 11-09-2004, 04:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... You've just made that step.

Have you talked to your parents about what you want, sounds like they love you and would help you do what's best for you, right now they're letting you call the shots. You parents seem like lovely people who are just unsure of how to help you, so instead they are just protecting you and allowing you to hide from the real world. Talk to them... Tell then you'd like to be out on your own in two years (or some reasonable time frame), and what do you have to do to make that happen.

Why won't you let your siblings help you? Part of being independent is knowing when to accept help from others, and sounds like you need that boost to get you started on your way.


Give yourself small challenges to do, go to the mall, and take a lap around the mall, smile at people, you don't have to talk to them, but it gets you out of the house, and in public.

Have you considered talking to a professional? No problem is unsurmountable if you break it down into small pieces, but a professional might help you do that breaking down.
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Old 11-09-2004, 04:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Edinburgh
First of all, let me say you're certainly not alone in this. I'm 21 soon and I've never had a 'real' job last more than a month. As I wrote in another thread, I've had one job last one month, the next last one week, and the next last one day. So in other words I've never really had a real, respectable job. I also moved around a lot when I was young and went to half a dozen different schools before I graduated high school, so friends came and went and there is only one true friend that has been there for me over the years, and she lives in Scotland. My point is that you're not alone in thinking you're alone.

Have a look at <a href="http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=70591&highlight=things+falling">this post that I made a few months ago</a> and see if it helps you at all. I wrote it when I was feeling down and a lot of things have changed since then partly because of support from this board and partly because I kicked my own ass and said 'Just do it, no more excuses.' Since then I've studied a lot and worked out, become more of my own person, all that stuff.

Anyway, to get shift the focus from me:

Do you attend university or a college or any form of tertiary/further/higher education? Remember that it's hard to get a 'good' job these days without even a basic university qualification so it might be something to look into. You could start off by doing something that you know you will enjoy (computer science, history, art, etc) rather than something that will guarantee a job and see how it goes from there. Remember that the goal of everything is happiness: people say they need a well-paying job because it ensures financial security, but that really means personally happiness. If you can get that personal happiness through a course that you enjoy then you're a step ahead.

So look into university or college before starting a dead-end job.

Also, I really hope I'm not out of bounds by saying this, but hearing disabilities and hearing aides are so common these days that most people don't even think twice about them. People won't dislike you because of them, if anything you'll get annoyed because they'll go out of their way to help you. Forget about that hearing aide as a problem and think of it as part of you, which is what everybody else does. We see someone with a hearing aide as someone who can hear us in most cases. Nothing more and nothing less. And the times that they can't, we'll speak louder and more clearly, we'll get our point across and that's that.

Your parents seem like fantastic people. They obviously love you and want the best for you, and now that you're old enough to tell them what's best for you it's time they stepped back and supported your decsions, instead of you putting up with theirs.

I also just want to say that your post and our repsonses aren't end the end of this post. Everybody who responds here wants to be updated on your progress, and wants to know if their adivce helped, and wants to know how you're doing. Even if you get a thousand replies to this, please don't forget to keep us up to date!
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Old 11-09-2004, 10:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hey SlapHappyMalice! Thanks for sharing your woes with us. You are in the right place. I grew up with a very low sense of self-esteem. I had what I considered a personal sickness until about 18-19 years old. I look back now at the things I did to pull me out of my mindset and it really isn't rocket science. This is a simplified answer, but take it for what it's worth. Once I gained self esteem and started to like the person I was, I passed some of my knowledge to my older brother who was suffering from the same types of symptoms. Here are some things I told him:

1) I told him that he needs to set some goals for himself. Set some short term goals as well as some long term goals. His problem was being afraid of failure so I had to reassure him that everyone fails sometimes. You will never taste success if you don't fail.

2) Baby steps. Don't expect be everything you have ever wanted to be, or do everything you ever want to do without taking on little bits at a time.

3) Don't be afraid to try new things. What do you really want to do? Do you want to bungee jump? Well, grab a few friends and do it. What is stopping you? Want to learn to drive? Tell your parents to take you to the church parking lot and teach you. College? Apply for financial aid and go meet people. College was one of the best things to ever happen to me socially. I am sure you will see what I mean once you get there.

The most important thing I learned and passed on to him is that it will never help to sit around and wish you could have done more, or could be more of who you want to be. YOU are the only person that can make decisions about YOU. "Good things will not come to those who do nothing." That's my personal quote. You can use it if you want.


As far as jobs go, what do you want to do? You have experience with video game consols? Have you thought about becoming a game tester? What about some other technical role? You write well and know your way around a computer so there may be doorways to look into for potential jobs.

Keep us posted. Good luck!
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Old 11-09-2004, 11:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I used to have a friend who was completely deaf, but he could read lips so well he had little problem carrying on a regular conversation. I didn't even know he was deaf until he told me, when I tried to say something to him with my head turned away. This guy was active, did all the regular stuff everyone else does, and had been totally deaf since early childhood. So maybe getting better at lip-reading would help you function a little more smoothly in the world. Are there any resources in your area where you could pick up some skills? Teachers? The thing about that is, I'm sure it's hard to pick up those skills without interacting with people though.

I know another guy whose right hand was damaged at birth. It's small and not very functional at all - he can barely do anything with it. It's actually taken me several years of friendship with him to even be able to remember that he has this problem, because he just goes out and does whatever he wants to, races his car, etc. The only thing is, his car (he has a big mean mustang) is an automatic because he can't shift.

I think the main thing is, like someone else said, to just try going out there and be friendly to people, smile, etc. Most people who are at all mature will work around some defects in a friend, and will likely never even realize how much of a big deal it is for you. If they won't or can't, they are too shallow and you don't need to know them anyway. Classes are a great place to meet people with similar interests, and jobs are another place where you might meet people, even if it's just someplace dumb like a sandwich shop. Or, perhaps you could join a club.

I know it's challenging to think of doing big things when you feel the way you do, so start small. I used to suffer from terrible self-esteem problems and hid away in my room reading books throughout much of my early life. I went to 7th grade with people who actually thought I was mute. Over the years I learned how to interact socially, and eventually I've gotten to the point that I do pretty well, as long as I don't get put on the spot (then I might freeze up). These days, people don't believe me when I tell them I've always felt like a freak, out of place. You have the ability to create yourself and your world the way you want it to be.
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Old 11-12-2004, 05:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You don't need to goto university to get a job you enjoy, or a social life. I'm not saying you couldn't, because it really is all about confidence. But you could go for a job in a factory or something that you don't need many qualificaitons for, realistically, you'll be getting okay money and you'll meet new people. Which, at the moment is what you need. As was stated before, these are baby steps, if you don't like the work, you'll just be more motivated to try something else. The only thing worse than failing is not trying at all.

okay, to do this

you need to talk to your parents.

tell them you want to get a job.

make them take you places to put in your resume or pick up a application form.

simply look around your local area and find any kind of place you can work in. No matter what the work. Think about being a garbage collector or anything!

You could also sign up with a employment agency of some sort.

Other things you could do could be
1. Joining a local gym, they will probably plan out your workout for free, this would also greatly increase your confidence.
2. Joining any kind of local club. Fire fighters or... anything.
3. okay, i'm tired and out of ideas.
4. you could get your security licence and work as a security guard.

Everyone is nervous and scared when they're trying new things. ALWAYS. this is because no one is certain of the outcome. but if you try, and you do get somewhere, you will look back and wonder why it was so hard in the first place.. control yourself, suck it in, and go for it dude...

oh i just want to point out that i live in australia, so some the things i talked about may not make much sense to you americans, *shrugs*
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Old 11-12-2004, 10:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Rochester, NY
First thing you need to do is realize that theres nothiong wrong with you. A hearing disability isnt a big deal. Heck i go to a school with over 3000 people who have hearing disabilities (Rochester Institute of Technology). Also i would recommend getting your liscense as soon as you can. Have your parents teach you, or your siblings. Once you have a way of going places on your own you're much more likely to get a job and meet people. Also places like the TFP are great ways to start increasing your socializing ability, it's much easier to be open and honstes in such an anonymous place, check out the regional forums and see if theres anyone from your area. Good luck, and keep us posted!
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Old 11-12-2004, 11:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: California
First thing is you just got to force yourself to do these things. Muster up all your courage, and take things in little steps. If your brothers/sisters offer help, you should take it- they, and your parents, are probably the only people that really care about your well being. Don't let your handicap be an obstacle you can't defeat either- there is a guy that works at my school's deli and he only has two fingers on his hand but he doesn't let that keep him from smacking that cheese on the bread. Getting out and talking to people will make you feel better. Why, just today I was feeling really grouchy after work so I went out to eat and then went to Starbucks (where I talked to a random gentleman and offered to help him take his coffees out). It made me feel waaaaay better.

You can do it, buddy!

Last edited by la petite moi; 11-12-2004 at 11:53 AM..
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Old 11-13-2004, 10:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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You're not alone with the hearing issues - and it CAN get better.

I'm moderately to severely deaf, and this becomes as big or little of a problem that you make it. Yes, you're not going to be able to hear EVERYTHING, even with aids, but it's part of who you are, so be upfront about it. The first couple times you tell people you're deaf and get funny reactions are hard, but it DOES get easier, and the more comfortable you are with yourself, asking people to repeat something becomes no big deal at all.

You can do anything you want or have a passion for! I work on phones all day, and make it possible with a special headset. Just find something YOU want or enjoy, and ask for your family's support in helping you make it happen. Feel free to PM me if you want more of my experiences - I'd be glad to help!
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