dualman7

I'm a fairly intelligent person, I participate in physical activites and work out regularly. I am in total control of mostly everything in my life......except my confidence. It comes and goes so often that I feel like a combination of personalities. One day i;m picking up girls at the club, next day I have trouble looking people in the face. I thought working out and getting into better shape would fix this, but it hasn't. I keep putting things off because I don't feel confident in myself, thinking that soon, it will all "click". I am getting older, but still no "clicking". Can anyone shed some light on the subject? What can I do to improve myself?

wubbawubba

I'm in the same boat man, let me know if you find the answer.

flamingdog

i don't think the click comes from outside. it comes from within you. and i don't think it happens all at once. you just need to think fuck it and stop giving a shit about what people think.

Cynthetiq

everyone has an off day. sometimes you feel like it, other times you don't.

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Qazwsxedc

self confidence comes from what you think of yourself, not what others think in you. The less you care about what others think, the better you will be. The happier you are with yourself then the more confident you will be.

Skettios

Practice makes perfect.

Confidence is like lifting weights, it only works if you practice talking to people and do it all the time. Start with people that you consider equals, and work your way up until the hottest hotty looks down when you send eyes her way.

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skysooner

Skettios has it mostly right here. It is so easy to say not to give a shit, but I have found that if you do that you are denying who you are. Some of us are just built to give a shit. Some other people are not. However, practice in some ways does make perfect. It is all about getting in touch with what you do well and who you are and feeling comfortable with it.

For example, at one time I was testing 7 grade levels above my current level when in elementary school. All of a sudden I was set apart, but my confidence wasn't that good. I breezed through high school, college, work (mostly) and along the way people kept telling me what an amazing person I was. Academics wasn't who I was however. It took meeting my wife and having a successful relationship with her to get comfortable with myself and realize how I could make a difference in the world. Now I am pretty much at peace with who I am. I had certain goals in life related to financial independence and work success that I have now set aside. I'm basically into becoming the best person I can be through learning more about myself and trying to improve. It is actually funny. I'm experiencing more success and happiness now that I have kind of set aside my goals and not trying so hard.

Confidence is one of those things that just sneaks up on you. Practicing it can help, but the true change will come with age and personal accomplishment that you acknowledge within.

jay-g

Just realize, that you and your body is all your gonna get. Even though its hard at times, dont care what other people think. If they have a problem, its their problem, not yours. Life is too short. Dont waste time being self conscience.

rainheart

I agree with what skysooner said about being at peace with who you are.

Confidence and self esteem can be generated in different ways based on the type of person you are.

Some people's self esteem and confidence regenerates without the need for affirmation from others, and yet for many other people (like me, for example), affirmation and acknowledgement is needed for confidence to exist.

That's why some people will reply that you should stop giving a shit about what other people think, and some will tell you otherwise.

As far as personal matters go, you should recognize that the best solution for you is the solution that fits with who you are. If you ask me, you sound like the type of person that needs affirmation from other people to be confident in yourself.

Develop a better understanding of other people and what motivates them to do what they do, and then take up understanding yourself and you'll begin to see how your confidence is affected by what people say and do. Then you can tackle the problem by coming up with some way to change what people do around you, so that you are primed with great confidence all the time.

I've read a modest amount about typology (psychological types) and that's basically how I came to this conclusion for what you should do to solve your confidence problem.

Here's some links to popular and not-so-popular typological systems, from the most apt to least in my opinion:
http://www.socionics.com/
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
http://www.geocities.com/ptypes/
http://www.keirsey.com/matrix.html/ (just don't bother with this system. it's the most popular one and yet it has a few fallacies that are fixed in the socionics system)

And if you do follow all this and then want to test to check your own personality type check out this site:
http://www.socionicstypeassistant.com/stc/home.html/

Bottom line:
Some people can care less what other people think, some can't. And if you can't, it probably explains why you have such a problem with it, and you need to be more aware of yourself so that you can spot why you have inconsistencies in your confidence, so that you can make the right changes to fix those inconsistencies.

Anomaly77

I agree.
Stop caring so much about what other people think of you. Be who you want to be and like the person that you are. Know that you have something to offer. This will lead to self confidence and confidence is attractive.

Halx

I find I am my most confident when I am with a friend. Having someone to fall back on gives me the security needed to realize that if I fuck it up, I probably wont ever see most of these people again in my life anyways. If you screw up, then you just go back to your friend and have a little laugh.

If you're all alone and you fuck up, you look like a dweeb no matter what you do.

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H12

This man speaks the truth. It's best to have a friend backin' ya in situations...after bein' confident with your friends while meeting other people for awhile, that starts to rub off to where you can gradually be confident with or without your friends nearby.

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tecoyah

Realize one very important aspect of all people. Perception is 90% of belief. I have an experiment for you.Pick any situation, when you deal with it, act as if you are absolutely bad ass and deal with it as if it was already done....kick ass and everyone will think you kick ass.If everyone thinks you are confident in yourself....then you actually are.

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blizzak

I like flaming dog's take on it

it's all about not caring what the fuck will happen. What people think is confidence is actually an ability to talk about as much BS as possible and keep people interested. If you can do those two things, then your in the clear. Of course, I guess it doesn't always have to be BS...

Oh yeah, and if you're talking about a club or a party, talk to everyone! I find when I do this, it seems to make all the difference. The more people you approach, the more busy you'll be during the night, and the more confident you will seem to these people; they'll think you're really good at associating with people(and by this time, you probably are).

Good Luck

EDIT: oh yeah, and always remember, the best thing to talk about is ANYTHING!!!

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Jizz-Fritter

Not caring what other people think is the point of the movie Adaptation. Watch it.

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AfterBurn

I always feel more confident when I watch Saved by the Bell, I don't know why but it works. Try finding a movie or song that makes you feel more confident, it'll be like a cup of coffee

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ImperviousRed

Just finished watching it based on your suggestion. There's a quote in the movie that I think really speaks to this topic.

“You are what you love, not what loves you.”

I’ve been giving this confidence thing a lot of thought lately. Coincidently, I’ve been thinking about starting a thread about it too. I’ve also been giving a lot of thought to what rainheart said. I think his best advice is stated:

I too find that my confidence on occasion is like a rollercoaster and it always seems to wander when I concern myself with other people’s opinions. For me, I think the solution is to become indifferent to these things. Ultimately, I can’t control what others think of me. I think focusing on the things that make me feel good about myself is going to raise my confidence.

Good luck in your searches dualman7.

dualman7

Great to see this topic still alive. I just came home from an 8 day spring break in Dominican Republic. I think I have realized how to maintain confidence. Consciousely, you have to stop negative thoughts from the outside, and the negative messages from your own "inner evil voice" from entering the core. I have been able to accomplish this over the last 4 days, and I have felt more confident than ever.

The problem is, that about a year ago, I accomplished this similar state of mind, but eventually lost control and couldn't stop the negative thoughts from bypassing my conscious "fire-wall". Anyone been able to maintain such mental strength over a long period of time? Share.

Karm

32/male here. I know exactly how you feel. At the club you have your groove on and the ladies respond to man who can move on the floor. Afterwards is the hard part. Will she think less of me when she see's my car in the parking lot? Or think I'm a loser because I have a studio apt.
The fear of losing that good thing you had going is strong. Or even worse. Not even starting that conversation with her because she drives a late model Honda. Obviously I am out of her league.
I compensated with dating larger women or single mothers. Their expectations are lower so I have nothing to worry about. Something to be said for taking the easy route. At least I wasn't lonely.
The problem came when I realized that I couldn't build a true love on such a foundation.
My confidence turned around when I realized that all those "unattainable" women are just normal people. Treat them like your cousin. Make them feel like they are family with you. Your family doesn't care what car you drive. They just care your about your health and ur happiness.
I may be wrong. But it won't hurt to try. Loosen up and let events unfold without the pressure.

yournamehere

Self confidence comes from your own perspective on who you are and what you can do. A loss of self confidence means you are doubting your abilities. Start setting goals for yourself - start slow, and gradually work your way towards something that you feel (presently) is unattainable.
As you succeed at reaching each of the goals you've set, your self confidence will grow accordingly.

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Astrocloud

I'm going to disagree with everyone here. Confidence is bullshit. Ignore everything that everyone is telling you about yourself and just be.

If you want to talk to the pretty girl just do it. If you are worried about upsetting others or pissing people off then just deal with it as it happens and furgodsakes have fun.

Life is about experience. If you fear experience then you will die without it.