Depression. I want my life back.

[Prince]

Hmmm... Feels like I've been starting so many threads lately here in Living, that I hope no one thinks I'm starting too many...

Anyway...this may make me seem like the biggest loser out there...but I've to vent a little of what's inside and hopefully gain perspective through that, and any advice some helpful soul may give.

I moved to the States last spring, and got married in May. I got my work permit six months ago, but I haven't been able to find a job so far. We rely entirely on our savings and my wife's small income to keep us going. So far it's been alright, but the funds are depleting and it's gotten to the point where my wife is beginning to resent me for not having a full-time job. And I don't blame her, I resent myself already.

When I first started looking for work, I was relatively optimistic. Throughout the hunt I've been somewhat worried about not being a chance because of my non-US origin, and the fact that I do at times seem socially awkward to people, because I do a lot of things differently than these Texans. It's a small college town, and jobs seem scarce, even though some are advertised all the time. I've applied to many, but always get passed on. In some cases I've even felt rather insulted for having been passed on in favour of someone who in my eyes seemed less experienced and competent.

I've found myself sinking deeper into depression and seclusion over the past couple of months. I am less eager to get out there and hunt for work. All I want is to be able to sleep at least four hours straight, and to feel refreshed when I wake up. But almost every moment I am awake I am overwhelmingly aware of how I don't have time to do this or that or this or that, because I need a job yesterday. And that awareness makes me feel immobilized, somehow.

Then when I do hunt for work, I think I am too picky. For one thing, I am put off by retail because I don't even know the coins, and everything is so different. Where I come from the sales tax was always automatically included in the price, here you have to mentally add it into it to figure out if you have enough. I can't imagine what it must be like on the other side of that register. Also, I've spent most of my adult life working in office environments and in front of computers, so I'm in such great shape I can barely stand up for 5 minutes without my feet getting tired and my back aching.

Now, these are all, deep down, excuses. They're excuses for the mind to not have to push it, to do it, to give it a try. I realize that. And I want to go beyond that, but I fall short of succeeding when I try, or even of succeeding at trying. I feel like I need to get in better shape, but I can't, because I've no time for that, I need to find work. I can't do anything because of that same reason. And then, I get immobilized because of that thought pattern.

Now here's the question... I was on antidepressive medication for a good while before I came to the States, and ended the medication on my own last summer. I ended it because, well, I was feeling better, was in pretty good shape, and because the meds had unpleasant sexual side-effects which were making me feel less of a man...or something.

I have been considering getting back on that medication, since I brought a hefty supply of it with me, at least six months or more worth. My wife doesn't like the idea, though, but I am not sure she understands how depressed and anxious I feel a lot of the time. She says it will work itself out once I get out of the house more and get social and stuff, which I am sure is true, but I feel like I need more of a kick to help myself get moving than what I can personally give myself on my own.

We cannot afford a doctor right now, so this is my only option as far as medication goes. I don't like the idea of self-medicating, but the current situation is unbearable. There is nothing I want more right now than to provide for my wife and help ease her mind, but I seem unable to get past this mental barrier of some sort.

I guess I could ask whether you think self-medication with a familiar antidepressant is an ok idea under the circumstances, but then again I am pretty sure that no one in their right mind will speak in favour of self-medication on an Internet forum. So I'll leave it to you to make any suggestion you may have, or not make any, whichever.

All I ask is, please leave the "just pull yourself together and get out there, you wimp" comments at the door. Being depressed and suffering from depression are two entirely different things. I just want my life back.

[filtherton]

Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do to survive and succeed.

There are worse things you could do than self-medicate. Especially if you're self medicating with presciption anti-depressants, as opposed to alcohol or the weed.

I'm not a doctor so i'm not really qualified to give you medical advice, but if you think the meds will help than by all means.

[lurkette]

I know it's hard to get motivated when you're depressed, but the best thing you can do for self-medication if you can't get a prescription is exercise. Exercise by itself has been shown to be as effective as Prozac in treating major depression - it releases endorphins and helps stabilize your neurochemistry. Enlist a friend whose job it is to make sure you get your butt up and walk for at least 10-20 minutes/day. Give up alcohol till you're stable. Also, there are some books on cognitive behavior therapy techniques that are inexpensive and have some simple and not at all "touchy-feely" exercises that can help you break out of your negative thought patterns. (Try "Feeling Good" by David Burns.) I know you say you don't have time because you need to find a job, but just half an hour a day taking care of yourself can make a huge difference, and you probably spend that much time moping and being miserable now (I know I did).

Good luck, and PM me if you want to talk. I've been there, hon.

[Cycler]

Walk, run, ride a bike, volunteer somewhere get out of where you are hiding. Apply at the local employment agency. It is not as bad as you have built it up to be in your mind. I am just now coming out from under a cloud of depression resulting from my wife leaving. As I have found out you can either CHOOSE to waste away and stagnate where you are or CHOOSE to get out there and do anything, anything at all to get the brain and body working. You can do it.

[*Nikki*]

My bfs father was in this situation for almost a year now. What he did was learn a new skill to get a job. Something that he didn't have a whole lot of interest in BUT you have to go where the jobs are. Right now that is Healthcare. Just about any type. I suggest that you get up and start walking everyday at least and maybe think about retraining to find a job.

The only person you can help you IS you.

[Mephex]

I can't imagine what you're going through. It's hard enough being so depressed, and still living in a comfortable environment. Comfortable, as being my home state, living at home, having things to fall back on.

I can suggest that you do start to think positively. Play a game with yourself, and pretend that you know things are going to work out alright. Get a job, who cares what it is, just do it. Get that income, get those benefits. The more you do now, that you don't like, the more you'll appreciate what you do next.

Secondly, self-medication. I'm on fluoxitine, a generic Prozac. I still self-medicate through alcohol almost nightly. Simply because I'm lower then I've ever been before. But as I stated, it's a lot easier for me. I live quite a ways from where you are suffering, or I'd suggest we meet. As I have a way of motivating, and inspiring those in need, similiar to a marriage counselor who has been divorced 12 times.

I know what you're going through. I do. I know that others may have a hard time understanding, it's the same as anything else, you cannot say that the fire is hot without ever being burned. So, with that understanding, you have to accept the opinions and criticisms of others, while doing what you feel is best for yourself. To a degree that is, you cannot let yourself fail. You've come so far, do not give up. Do what you need to do to get that job. For those benefits, that paycheck, that self-assurance and security are worth more then anything else right now.

Good luck, and PM me if you'd like to talk. I feel that I can help, if you'd let me.

[lurkette]

Originally posted by Mephex
Secondly, self-medication. I'm on fluoxitine, a generic Prozac. I still self-medicate through alcohol almost nightly. Simply because I'm lower then I've ever been before.

Just a word of caution - alcohol is a depressant, so you're not doing yourself any favors there. It's also potentially dangerous when mixed with antidepressant medication. You might want to try something else - the alcohol is in all likelihood contributing to the problem more than it's "medicating."

[Prince]

Thanks guys for your replies.

A weird thing I have noticed, though... Ever since I became more and more depressed, I have lost interest in drinking alcohol. I was never wild about it to begin with, but now it is like I am too depressed to want to drink. Kind of backwards, is it not, in a way?

[Harshaw]

I don't know where you live, but have you concidered a call center job? I'm not talking outbound, I mean inbound. They aren't really great jobs, but they do pay well and a lot of time you have wierd days off so you can spend that time looking for other employment.
Call centers are always hiring and there seem to be several in any location. Might be something to check out.

As far as the depression, I've said it before and I'll keep saying it, "This too shall pass". I go through depressesd phases where I feel sad, lonely, tired etc... the main thing that helps me through is thinking "this too shall pass". It lets me know two things. 1) it lets me know the depression will end at some point because things are bound to get better. 2) it also reminds me that bad times are just as much a part of the cycle as good times are. Bad times are a naturally occuring thing.

[Rodney]

I've never been diagnosed with depression, but I have been known to grind to a halt and stop functioning when there aren't enough people around, no set function for me to do, and no clear path ahead or out of this situation. People who _aren't_ diagnosed with depression often get into this state between jobs. I been there -- sleeping 'till 11, watching lots of daytime TV, not getting out of the house until 4 pm, and then just to buy something and come back.

You need a place to "go to work" at, even if it isn't paying you. And it's best if it's something that you can see being of benefit. Volunteer work is okay, but see if your local employment service offers job clubs. These are places where people who've been out of work for a while meet regularly for weeks -- sometimes as long as necessary -- in a support group, get help defining what they can do, advice on what employers are looking for, dry-run interviews and advice, and so on. And people share job tips with each other. I've never been in one, but I know plenty who have, and they really give you the support and the will to carry on; and eventually, if you keep trying, you eventually get something. If you're applying for work and people keep passing you over, you may be doing something (or not doing something) that American employers don't react to well. In a job club, you meet with interviewing and recruiting people who'll evaluate your style and tell you how to adjust it.

Check with the employment service where you are and see if they've got something like this. You're in Texas, not known for social services, but I would bet that they have this. If they do, it's ongoing and free (they may ask you to put in a couple of volunteer hours helping with the program, maybe not) you can probably join up right away. I highly recommend it.

[VitaminH]

Depression...it's a crazy thing. It often comes in sort of waves, where you'll be down for a long time, then feel great for a while, sometimes even months to years. People often think they are cured, but it almost always comes back in some form or another. As people have said, exercise has been proven to be rather effective in treating depression, so if you're not working out 3-5 times a week for at least 30 min, I'd reccomend starting.

There is a certain stigma associated with depression meds and people are emberassed, so I think it's very big of you to come out and admit it even in an anonomyous forum. I understand your reluctance to begin retaking the med, both from the stigma and the unwanted side effects, but sometimes, there is just no other choice. It will very likely help you feel better. If it doesn't find yourself a doctor and get switched to another one. Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft are all very god meds, and two (Prozac and Paxil) have generics available which are good if you are on a tight budget.

As for the job, stick with it my friend and don't settle for something you don't want. Sooner or later you will find a job that suits you. Also, if you don't mind me asking, I was just curious as to what country you had come from?

I am sure that you could find a healthy medium.
Also, it might be wise to really sit down and talk with your wife about this. Sometimes meds are the best way to go, for some people if they don't have them, they will never get better. But, then, therapy can't hurt, if you can afford it.
I can understand how you feel. A cheap, effective way to help you is go to the bookstore and library and pick up some self-help books. or even spiritual books. The Architecture of All Abundance and Conversations with God had a dramatic effect on me. It's worth a try. Keep thinking positive, never get up, and remember you have purpose and the key is to be the driver of your life. You're in control. Best of wishes.

[Mephex]

Keep thinking positive, never get up, and remember you have purpose and the key is to be the driver of your life.

hehe, I think you meant to never "give" up. ha ha ha.

[WarWagon]

Originally posted by Prince
Thanks guys for your replies.

A weird thing I have noticed, though... Ever since I became more and more depressed, I have lost interest in drinking alcohol. I was never wild about it to begin with, but now it is like I am too depressed to want to drink. Kind of backwards, is it not, in a way?

Kudos to you for staying away from the stuff. After having a severe drinking problem at a very young age, I've been starting to get into it once again, as well as smoking like a chiminey due to stress/anxiety/depression. The more bad habits you can stay away from, the better.

Originally posted by Mephex
hehe, I think you meant to never "give" up. ha ha ha.

lol, yes- that is what I meant.....silly me

[Shpoop]

sorry i have nothing of substance to add to this thread...ive never felt anything close to what you guys seem to have felt (knock on wood)

anyways, i was just wondering, i found myself incredibly interested as i was reading your post: where did you live before you moved to the states?

[Prince]

Originally posted by Shpoop
anyways, i was just wondering, i found myself incredibly interested as i was reading your post: where did you live before you moved to the states?

Finland.

[tfin]

You do have one big problem. You live in a small college town. They suck. From what I have ever seen of small college towns they use people. THey pay as little as possible and are only interested in hiring some stupid kid that will be there. Being educated or just smart seems to be bad. Can you drive? If you can try to comute to a larger city, or just a better job.

I know how you feel thouhg. I was in college and had some decent acredations that I had earned before. The best job I could get was subway, I tried for everything, but that was it. I hated it and I hated every moment I was there. I kept telling my self one thing, and I made my self believe it.

"I will get through this. I AM STRONGER THAN THIS! This shit will not beat me, I will beat it, I will own it, I will kick its ass. Life fucking sucks, but I play to win and I will WIN!!!!"

It took a while but things did get better and I am kicking life's ass now. I am happy now. From where I was before though I thought I would never be happy.

Get motiated, get mad, get RAGED. Don't medicate your self to feeling better, kick lifes ass, it is better than any drug.

I know you wanted all the "pull your self together" comments left at the door, but honestly what I just typed really did get me our of a place just like you were. I now feel empowered and I am in control of my life becasue I told my self that quote every day and every time I felt down.

Good luck. I know you can do it.

[Jizz-Fritter]

Prince: after reading you post, I thought, "Hm...maybe capitalism doesn't work."

[Prince]

Originally posted by Jizz-Fritter
Prince: after reading you post, I thought, "Hm...maybe capitalism doesn't work."

I've no idea what that means.

[2kids1headache]

As far as those job interviews go, try to smile more and be as friendly as possible. Even if it's a job that you're not thrilled about staying at for five years, go in excited at the prospect of having a job again and making money. If you're excited and ready to learn, you're more likely to be hired.

Thoughts on self-medication: It's not really a "prescription" if someone hands you a bottle and says "Take some of these." At one time, you and your doctor talked about your problem, and your doctor told you to take x number of pills y times per day. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable going back to the original dose of medication that was prescribed. Just make sure you try to remember the original dose; if the problem was ongoing, your doctor probably increased your dosage once or twice.

And, finally, exercise. Get up early and just don't let yourself do anything else before you exercise. You really have no idea how good it will make you feel until you start doing it. DON'T let yourself skip days! If you feel sick, do less, but still do SOMETHING. Don't let people sway you. Be obstinate. Your body will start feeling better, and you will start feeling better about your body, which will make you feel awesome.

I would say "good luck", but luck isn't involved. Instead, get started!

[a2k]

Hey Prince,

Thanks for opening up here. As you can see from the responses, you aren't alone or the only person to have to struggle through this.

Based on your ability to articulate yourself in your original post, you are clearly ahead of the game in regards to the skills you'll need to get the best jobs. Think about your search right now as something short-term to stop the bleeding. It might make it easier.

Set some goals for yourself. Small, incremental changes over a month or two become huge transformations. Plus, if you meet your goals, you won't feel so guilty or bad about taking it easy elsewhere. If, for example, you have a goal next week of applying for 10 jobs and exercising three times and you get that all done by Thursday, on Friday you can sleep in, relax, and do what you want WITHOUT GUILT knowing that you're heading in the right direction.

Try to visualize where you want to be. It's amazing how powerful simply being able to picture clearly where you want to be is. I read an old self help book from the 50's once that had a phrase that's become the mantra of my life: "What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve." If you know where you want to go and you believe that you can get there, you will.

You can pull it together. You're a smart guy. You're not afraid of moving to a new continent. You have the skills to make this happen.

-a2k