Prince

Hmmm... Feels like I've been starting so many threads lately here in Living, that I hope no one thinks I'm starting too many...

Anyway...this may make me seem like the biggest loser out there...but I've to vent a little of what's inside and hopefully gain perspective through that, and any advice some helpful soul may give.

I moved to the States last spring, and got married in May. I got my work permit six months ago, but I haven't been able to find a job so far. We rely entirely on our savings and my wife's small income to keep us going. So far it's been alright, but the funds are depleting and it's gotten to the point where my wife is beginning to resent me for not having a full-time job. And I don't blame her, I resent myself already.

When I first started looking for work, I was relatively optimistic. Throughout the hunt I've been somewhat worried about not being a chance because of my non-US origin, and the fact that I do at times seem socially awkward to people, because I do a lot of things differently than these Texans. It's a small college town, and jobs seem scarce, even though some are advertised all the time. I've applied to many, but always get passed on. In some cases I've even felt rather insulted for having been passed on in favour of someone who in my eyes seemed less experienced and competent.

I've found myself sinking deeper into depression and seclusion over the past couple of months. I am less eager to get out there and hunt for work. All I want is to be able to sleep at least four hours straight, and to feel refreshed when I wake up. But almost every moment I am awake I am overwhelmingly aware of how I don't have time to do this or that or this or that, because I need a job yesterday. And that awareness makes me feel immobilized, somehow.

Then when I do hunt for work, I think I am too picky. For one thing, I am put off by retail because I don't even know the coins, and everything is so different. Where I come from the sales tax was always automatically included in the price, here you have to mentally add it into it to figure out if you have enough. I can't imagine what it must be like on the other side of that register. Also, I've spent most of my adult life working in office environments and in front of computers, so I'm in such great shape I can barely stand up for 5 minutes without my feet getting tired and my back aching.

Now, these are all, deep down, excuses. They're excuses for the mind to not have to push it, to do it, to give it a try. I realize that. And I want to go beyond that, but I fall short of succeeding when I try, or even of succeeding at trying. I feel like I need to get in better shape, but I can't, because I've no time for that, I need to find work. I can't do anything because of that same reason. And then, I get immobilized because of that thought pattern.

Now here's the question... I was on antidepressive medication for a good while before I came to the States, and ended the medication on my own last summer. I ended it because, well, I was feeling better, was in pretty good shape, and because the meds had unpleasant sexual side-effects which were making me feel less of a man...or something.

I have been considering getting back on that medication, since I brought a hefty supply of it with me, at least six months or more worth. My wife doesn't like the idea, though, but I am not sure she understands how depressed and anxious I feel a lot of the time. She says it will work itself out once I get out of the house more and get social and stuff, which I am sure is true, but I feel like I need more of a kick to help myself get moving than what I can personally give myself on my own.

We cannot afford a doctor right now, so this is my only option as far as medication goes. I don't like the idea of self-medicating, but the current situation is unbearable. There is nothing I want more right now than to provide for my wife and help ease her mind, but I seem unable to get past this mental barrier of some sort.

I guess I could ask whether you think self-medication with a familiar antidepressant is an ok idea under the circumstances, but then again I am pretty sure that no one in their right mind will speak in favour of self-medication on an Internet forum. So I'll leave it to you to make any suggestion you may have, or not make any, whichever.

All I ask is, please leave the "just pull yourself together and get out there, you wimp" comments at the door. Being depressed and suffering from depression are two entirely different things. I just want my life back.

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