dirttrackcutie

I'm having a deffinte problem. Last night my dad called me and told me that my grandma has cancer and the doctor only gives her not even a month to live. This year i've already lost 3 close friends I dont know what to do or how to handle this anymore!

Redlemon

Wow, that's really hard. My sincere sympathies.

Are you a religous person?

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Bloodslick

First: That's an estimate. Warren Zevon held on for a year when doctors gave him three months. People are stronger than doctors give them credit for being.

Second: Spend any time that you can with her. If you can't, then try to talk on the phone. Write a letter. Don't let the time just go by, or you will forever kick yourself.

Third: Realize that this is part of life. Everything ends. Try to do for your grandmother what you want people to do for you when your life ends.

Good luck.

lurkette

You might want to find a support group or something for people who are grieving. I agree with Bloodslick that you should spend as much time with her as possible. Let her know you love her, let her tell you whatever she needs to say. It'll be good for both of you.

I lost my grandfather and my younger brother in the past year, and it's hard to deal with, but you also need to let yourself just be sad. Surround yourself with supportive friends, take care of yourself (eat well, get rest, get exercise), and don't hold things in. If you don't like to talk about it, maybe keep a journal or something just to have an outlet. Be sure you're not clinically depressed.

PM me if you want to talk more, hon. It sucks but you'll get through it.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

:::OshnSoul:::

I can understand that being so hard- loads of love and support. We're here if you need to talk. Also, finding a support group may be a good idea- to be with others in your situation.
And, also keep in mind that what the Dr. said is just an estimate, like bloodslick said. I have heard remarkable stories where someone was given only a month or two to live, yet they were so determined not to go yet, that they were around a lot longer. But, keep in mind, cherish every moment- and if you believe in the afterlife, know that when she leaves her physical form, that she, just like your friends, will not be in pain anymore, they are not sad, they know nothing but happienss and peace and that they will be/are with you always.

matthew330

Wow - that's pretty unusual. Even with the most aggressive forms of cancer, there are usually symptoms that when checked out and diagnosed you have at least 6 mos or so (mainly pancreatic).

My sincerest condolensces go out to you. Make her as comfortable as possible and spend as much time with her as you can.

Dano069

My sympathies to you and your family. My wife and I had a stretch like your's one year. From November to the following April, we had one person in our immediate families die each month. It was a very depresssing time but we got through it. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts.


I'll second Bloodslick's idea of visiting with her or writing her or calling her. As for you, talk to someone. Most of us here on TFP have pretty good ears.

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tecoyah

Learn as much from her as you can , she will enjoy it as will you. Be a true 'presence" in her life, and remember that when she passes, the sadness we feel is in our selfish nature, not in feeling sorry for someone who is in a better place. Feel the love.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

dirttrackcutie

the problem is she will most likely think im just feeling sorry for her because like isaid i havne't talked to her for two years...kind of a long ttime to just STOP in
but thank you for your advice.

:::OshnSoul:::

It's never to late to talk now. Tell her exactly how you feel. That's what matters.

tecoyah

with the life experience she has gained, it is doubtful she will consider your time as anything but love and regret....please try

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

lurkette

It's been my experience that most people with whom I've been distant are just grateful and happy to hear from me.

What does it matter if the "only" reason you're calling her now is that you've heard she's sick? She'll still be glad to hear from you, and appreciate that you're concerned about her and love her.

Look at it this way:

See grandma:
Possible consequence #1: she's cranky because you never came to see her before
Possible consequence #2: she's grateful and happy to see you and when she dies you'll know she knew you loved her.

Don't see grandma:
ALMOST CERTAIN consequence 1: you save a little face and then feel guilty and full of regret when she dies because you didn't take the time to let her know you care.

So you've got a slight possibility of a negative outcome if you go see her, but a near 100% probability of a negative outcome if you don't. Suck it up, for your good and hers, and go see your grandma before it's too late. Fear is just an excuse - once you've made up your mind to do it, and you're actually doing it, you'll wonder why you were so afraid in the first place.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Bloodslick

Right on, lurkette.

If your grandmother is that bitter, . . . you'll feel vindicated for not having gone to see her for two years. So where's the downside, really?

analog

So many people never get that one last chance to say "I love you" to people before they pass away. I lost my grandfather when I was very young to a sudden, massive stroke one night. I was in the same house at the time, visiting. I kissed him goodnight, never knowing it would be my last. Due to my young age, and my brother's even younger age (i was 7, he was 4), we couldn't go to the funeral. I never got that last chance to say goodbye. Many people don't even get that last goodnight kiss and "I love you".

Don't let yourself go the rest of your life knowing you HAD the chance to tell her you loved her, and didn't, no matter how long it's been since the last time you talked.

Life ends- as sure as the sun will rise and set each day- but cherish it as much as you can while it's here.

Cry as much as you want to, and know that death is a necessary part of life.

Have a friend to talk to, or take up a journal, as lurkette said. It's very cathartic to put your feelings down on paper, and solidifies your feelings for those you've lost.

My blessings, and the best of luck to you.

Crazy/Beautiful

I'm sorry everything has been dumped on you at once. Like they say when it rains it pours! But remember that even though losing people is hearbreaking for you, they get to go to an awesome place. Whether or not you believe in God, I still think we all get to go to somewhere cool afterwards, so you can feel happy knowing eventually you'll get to see everyone and again and now they are watching over you, making sure your okay.
It's always really hard and very depressing to go visit someone who is dying. My grandpa is in a nursing home right now and it's so hard for me to go visit him because of the atmosphere and sadness. If you feel the need to visit your grandma, go ahead. If not send her flowers or something she likes to let her know you care. Death has to be one of the hardest things that we all have to deal with. Maybe seeing a grief counselor or a therapist for a awhile might help lift your cloud. We all need someone to vent to

sillygirl

They gave my grandfather a few months. He lived two more years. I was 14 when he died. He and I were always really close. He taught me how to play the piano, we had little duets we'd perform for people together, I was his princess. He'd never been sick a day in his life. We thought it was just a cold, but then it didn't go away. At first I visited him a lot. They lived two streets away, so I was there all the time. Then I got to the point where I refused to go see him. He kept asking if I'd go play my violin for him, so I finally went over one day a couple months before he died and played. After that, I wouldn't go. I saw him once, and it wasn't my grandfather anymore. I couldn't stand the sight of it. It's been more than 5 years now, and I regret few things more in my life than I regret not going to say goodbye. I'm overwhelmed by emotion just typing this. In fact, I think I'm going to go visit his grave this week. I've only been there once since he died.

Do it for you. Do it for her. She needs to know you care, and nothing will hurt more than the pain of not knowing whether or not she would love it if you visited. Even if (by chance) she DOESN'T like that you showed your love and visited, you will feel better KNOWING what would happen than not visiting and wondering for the rest of your life.

My thoughts are with you.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

wry1

My Grandmother had been given 6 months - a little over 3 years before she finally passed away (this past Christmas Eve, actually - so it's going to be a bit strange this coming Wednesday). But I moved back to Michigan, spent a good amount of time with her...not every day, but every week I was there for the better part of an afternoon...and she was happy for the time we had.

Like most everyone has pointed out: it's the time you spend with someone that's important, not how long it's been since the last time. Go to her, give her (and you) a chance to fix things up.

Reading the replies you've gotten so far, I find myself reminded of something a dear friend of my family said to me once. She had lost her daughter at the age of 22 or so (I was quite young at the time and while knowing the girl in question, didn't know a lot about her). In fact, the whole family had gone for a picnic on a beautiful spring day when she collapsed from a massive coronary episode - evidently, her heart just shredded (kind of like what happened to John Ritter's Aorta). There was grief, there was loss, but through it all her mother and father were steadfast in their belief that of all the ways she could have left this world, it was good that she was with those she loved, in a place she loved, doing what she truly enjoyed.

Try to give some of that to your Grandma, okay?

As for how to cope with the losses you've experienced so far, many local Hospice centers have programs to help those left behind deal with the loss. Of course, you could do what my family does: we take the time to celebrate the joyous moments that we experienced either with or because of the departed. Primarily, what each of us does is recall some moment with whomever has left us that was either funny, pleasant or otherwise stood out in our memory. It's a little difficult at first (especially if you haven't done this before), but quickly turns into a mood-improving act after just a few recollections.

My best wishes are with your Grandma, you, and your family.

st33lr4t

dont let time pass you by. i just lost my uncle who was only 42. they found cancer all through his body in febuary and only gave him a couple of months. well he lasted right up until the beginning of december. i didnt really want to see him because he didnt look like the uncle i really knew. well now its too late and i feel terrible i didnt spend more time with him.

i wish you and your family all the best.