best friend has changed - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

riptide4070 · 10-08-2003, 02:59 PM

I don't hear from or see my best friend as much anymore. She has changed a lot since she started going to a university.

I'm at the same university now. You'd think it would be easier for us to hang out now but it isn't. I won't go through the whole story because it's so long and there are many things I'd have to say.

Basically.....I miss my friend. I have so many memories of the great times we had. We used to date for awhile but aren't anymore. It is hard for us to be friends at times. I don't care though, I just want my friend back.

I don't like the ways in which she has changed and she doesn't seem to notice the changes. She's happy though and doesn't need anyone to watch over her.

Will she ever be the old friend I had back home again? Will I have to wait several years for her to figure out who she is and what she is doing with her life? How can I be supportive and show her how much I care when we clash so much now? Have I lost my best friend totally without a chance of getting her back again?

Moreland · 10-08-2003, 03:02 PM

I had a best friend once, who I did everything with and told him everything. However one summer I realised how immature he was and petty and his mum managed to turn him against me.

Never spoke a word again, after this massive row, involving him, his mum and me. I just walked out and walked home. She had the cheek to come around at christmas and say that I should make friends with him again, needless to say my mum who knew the full story shut the door in her face and said not up to her to decide who my friends are.

People change and have different paths and goals in life, and as you grow up they change drastically so while we might have been great friends before, we changed and had different standards, morals and outlooks on life.

Sad, but true.

riptide4070 · 10-08-2003, 03:03 PM

I've always heard that "time heals all wounds."

I still believe in those words.

sexymama · 10-08-2003, 03:05 PM

The first step in having a friend, is to be her friend. That means accepting her for who she is and where she is at currently. You have only "lost her" if you don't acknowledge who she is now. Change is inevitable. The question is, are you able to allow it?

Moreland · 10-08-2003, 03:06 PM

Friends can have very different standards and morals and can change.

Best friends in my opinion need to be closer and people with similar standards and morals, and who can trust each other.

G_Whiz · 10-08-2003, 03:08 PM

Will she ever be the same friend from home again? Probably not. Things in her life have changed. She's had new experiences and all of those things will change who she is.

Will she ever be a friend again? If she knows that you are not abandoning the friendship, she probably will. At some point she will miss that past relationship and will probably be willing to be a friend if she knows you want to. But she won't be the same person she used to be. After all, you can't go home again.

Cynthetiq · 10-08-2003, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by riptide4070
I've always heard that "time heals all wounds."

I still believe in those words.

hmmm my best friend and I were lovers as well. That wound she inflicted when she broke my heart 14 years ago. It never really healed, I call it Lancelot's wound... it's still there even though I've had other girlfriends and am now happily married.

Be supportive of your friend. People change sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But friends, they should stick around...

riptide4070 · 10-08-2003, 03:11 PM

I haven't accepted the changes yet.....maybe in due time I will but there seems to not be any kind of immediate answer to this problem

Kyo · 10-08-2003, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by riptide4070
I've always heard that "time heals all wounds."

I still believe in those words.

Once you're dead, nothing can hurt you anymore. Unless you are immortal, you are right to believe those words.

Everything in the world is transient - this hardly needs saying, surely. People change, come and go, get hit by cars, fall to disease, are striken with comas from which they will never awaken. Changes in personality can take people away from you just as totally and permanently as a bullet.

It's dangerous to get too attached to people. Always be able to move on - to find a new best friend. The past isn't a good thing to cling to.

riptide4070 · 10-08-2003, 04:21 PM

but if you don't know where you came from.....how will you know where you're going?

Cynthetiq · 10-08-2003, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by riptide4070
but if you don't know where you came from.....how will you know where you're going?

you can acknowledge the past without holding onto it.

Quote:

Originally posted by riptide4070
I haven't accepted the changes yet.....maybe in due time I will but there seems to not be any kind of immediate answer to this problem

and life doesn't always work like TV or movies and resolve itself nice and neat in 1-2 hours. Life is a journey... enjoy the ride, stop rushing to get to the good parts, it's the bad parts that make you enjoy the and love the good parts.

slant eyes · 10-08-2003, 11:37 PM

i had a lover who was my best friend. she changed lots. i was supportive, but she constantly used me for some emotional backup. when we're hanging out, she'd sit on my lap, put my arm around her waist, and kiss me open mouth. all in front of her family so i can't throw her off of me.

personal point being, i was supportive, only to get stepped on more and walked on more. i can't say this for all people, but you should give her the benefit of the doubt and remain supportive for a bit. if she ends up abusing this, then hightail outta there my friend. i haven't been able to yet, and it still hurts like hell.

she's changed so much, she sees it, but she refuses to change it. she calls me telling me how unhappy she is with her new life, yet she uses me and my feelings.

friends are hard to come by. so give this one a chance. but you must also realize that it's a two-way deal. if she don't realize that a good friend, such as yourself, are hard to come by and cherish it, maybe she wasn't that good of a friend to start with.

i hope to god that my friend comes back, but so far (year and a half), the path to such a destination remains clouded. my best wishes are with you.

riptide4070 · 10-09-2003, 11:37 AM

thank you slant eyes, your words and your situation are very reassuring. My predicament is similar to your's.

I wish you good luck my friend.

slant eyes · 10-09-2003, 03:43 PM

you're welcome and thank you too. hey if all else fails, we got each other

irseg · 10-09-2003, 04:26 PM

That really sucks, I know where you're coming from. I'm not one of those people who has 50 friends who change on a day to day basis, I've always had 1 or 2 really good ones and that's about it. So when that changes, it's kind of hard.

My best friend for 7 years really changed. I've always been really ambitious and so was he--until he got married. Then he settled down and lost all the drive he once had. Makes it harder for us to identify with each other now when I'm starting businesses and such, and he's telling me about some new beer he tried or how many times he's waxed his cars this month. We're still good friends, but nothing like before.

Plus, I moved to Florida from Maryland in January. He has yet to visit. He was going to come down this past summer, then the fall, then this winter, now it's supposedly next spring. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath. Meanwhile my current best friend will be down for the third time tomorrow and he lives even further away. I think that's a pretty strong indication of who's a close friend and who's not right there.

Best advice I can give you is to be supportive, but don't go out of your way to do things to try and "prove" your friendship or be overly helpful. If she ignores it you'll be resentful just because, and if she acts like your friend all of a sudden you'll be resentful that you had to go out of your way to get her to acknowledge you. Just kind of wait it out and hope she comes around, but be prepared to move on if not.

Dano069 · 10-14-2003, 09:29 AM

Riptide, it happens. My wife and I lost all our friends over the years. After we got married, our friends started to drift away. When the kids came along, they all dropped us. My wife and I tried everything to get them to come out to the house and see us. We cajoled, begged and pleaded for them to visit. Hell, we still do. We never, and I mean NEVER, felt or hinted that we were too busy to see them. It just happens. My advice, stay in contact. If she comes back, then it was meant to be. Don't stop meeting other people and making other friends. Good luck.

10-08-2003, 02:59 PM	#1 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	best friend has changed I don't hear from or see my best friend as much anymore. She has changed a lot since she started going to a university. I'm at the same university now. You'd think it would be easier for us to hang out now but it isn't. I won't go through the whole story because it's so long and there are many things I'd have to say. Basically.....I miss my friend. I have so many memories of the great times we had. We used to date for awhile but aren't anymore. It is hard for us to be friends at times. I don't care though, I just want my friend back. I don't like the ways in which she has changed and she doesn't seem to notice the changes. She's happy though and doesn't need anyone to watch over her. Will she ever be the old friend I had back home again? Will I have to wait several years for her to figure out who she is and what she is doing with her life? How can I be supportive and show her how much I care when we clash so much now? Have I lost my best friend totally without a chance of getting her back again? __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects' Last edited by riptide4070; 10-08-2003 at 03:02 PM..

10-08-2003, 03:03 PM	#3 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	I've always heard that "time heals all wounds." I still believe in those words. __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

10-08-2003, 03:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	The first step in having a friend, is to be her friend. That means accepting her for who she is and where she is at currently. You have only "lost her" if you don't acknowledge who she is now. Change is inevitable. The question is, are you able to allow it? __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

10-08-2003, 03:08 PM	#6 (permalink)
G_Whiz Junkie Location: Northern California	Will she ever be the same friend from home again? Probably not. Things in her life have changed. She's had new experiences and all of those things will change who she is. Will she ever be a friend again? If she knows that you are not abandoning the friendship, she probably will. At some point she will miss that past relationship and will probably be willing to be a friend if she knows you want to. But she won't be the same person she used to be. After all, you can't go home again. __________________ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

10-08-2003, 03:11 PM	#8 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	I haven't accepted the changes yet.....maybe in due time I will but there seems to not be any kind of immediate answer to this problem __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

10-08-2003, 03:02 PM	#2 (permalink)
Moreland Tilted Location: United Kingdom	I had a best friend once, who I did everything with and told him everything. However one summer I realised how immature he was and petty and his mum managed to turn him against me. Never spoke a word again, after this massive row, involving him, his mum and me. I just walked out and walked home. She had the cheek to come around at christmas and say that I should make friends with him again, needless to say my mum who knew the full story shut the door in her face and said not up to her to decide who my friends are. People change and have different paths and goals in life, and as you grow up they change drastically so while we might have been great friends before, we changed and had different standards, morals and outlooks on life. Sad, but true.

10-08-2003, 03:06 PM	#5 (permalink)
Moreland Tilted Location: United Kingdom	Friends can have very different standards and morals and can change. Best friends in my opinion need to be closer and people with similar standards and morals, and who can trust each other.

10-08-2003, 04:21 PM	#10 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	but if you don't know where you came from.....how will you know where you're going? __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

10-08-2003, 11:37 PM	#12 (permalink)
slant eyes Psycho Location: cali	i had a lover who was my best friend. she changed lots. i was supportive, but she constantly used me for some emotional backup. when we're hanging out, she'd sit on my lap, put my arm around her waist, and kiss me open mouth. all in front of her family so i can't throw her off of me. personal point being, i was supportive, only to get stepped on more and walked on more. i can't say this for all people, but you should give her the benefit of the doubt and remain supportive for a bit. if she ends up abusing this, then hightail outta there my friend. i haven't been able to yet, and it still hurts like hell. she's changed so much, she sees it, but she refuses to change it. she calls me telling me how unhappy she is with her new life, yet she uses me and my feelings. friends are hard to come by. so give this one a chance. but you must also realize that it's a two-way deal. if she don't realize that a good friend, such as yourself, are hard to come by and cherish it, maybe she wasn't that good of a friend to start with. i hope to god that my friend comes back, but so far (year and a half), the path to such a destination remains clouded. my best wishes are with you. __________________ no man or woman is worth your tears - and the one who is, won't make you cry question authority, don't ask why, just do it! Last edited by slant eyes; 10-08-2003 at 11:48 PM..

10-09-2003, 11:37 AM	#13 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	thank you slant eyes, your words and your situation are very reassuring. My predicament is similar to your's. I wish you good luck my friend. __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

10-09-2003, 03:43 PM	#14 (permalink)
slant eyes Psycho Location: cali	you're welcome and thank you too. hey if all else fails, we got each other __________________ no man or woman is worth your tears - and the one who is, won't make you cry question authority, don't ask why, just do it!

10-09-2003, 04:26 PM	#15 (permalink)
irseg Junkie Location: Florida	That really sucks, I know where you're coming from. I'm not one of those people who has 50 friends who change on a day to day basis, I've always had 1 or 2 really good ones and that's about it. So when that changes, it's kind of hard. My best friend for 7 years really changed. I've always been really ambitious and so was he--until he got married. Then he settled down and lost all the drive he once had. Makes it harder for us to identify with each other now when I'm starting businesses and such, and he's telling me about some new beer he tried or how many times he's waxed his cars this month. We're still good friends, but nothing like before. Plus, I moved to Florida from Maryland in January. He has yet to visit. He was going to come down this past summer, then the fall, then this winter, now it's supposedly next spring. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath. Meanwhile my current best friend will be down for the third time tomorrow and he lives even further away. I think that's a pretty strong indication of who's a close friend and who's not right there. Best advice I can give you is to be supportive, but don't go out of your way to do things to try and "prove" your friendship or be overly helpful. If she ignores it you'll be resentful just because, and if she acts like your friend all of a sudden you'll be resentful that you had to go out of your way to get her to acknowledge you. Just kind of wait it out and hope she comes around, but be prepared to move on if not.

10-14-2003, 09:29 AM	#16 (permalink)
Dano069 is Nucking Futs! Location: On the edge of sanity	Riptide, it happens. My wife and I lost all our friends over the years. After we got married, our friends started to drift away. When the kids came along, they all dropped us. My wife and I tried everything to get them to come out to the house and see us. We cajoled, begged and pleaded for them to visit. Hell, we still do. We never, and I mean NEVER, felt or hinted that we were too busy to see them. It just happens. My advice, stay in contact. If she comes back, then it was meant to be. Don't stop meeting other people and making other friends. Good luck. __________________ I may look attentive, but I'm taking peeks down your blouse faster than the human eye can follow. Last edited by Dano069; 10-14-2003 at 01:19 PM..