soma

I've been an intern at a big company for about a year now, and I think one of the main reasons I haven't been hired full time is because I don't really mix in with the group. Everyone I work with is really cool and friendly, but they all seem to be on a different wavelength than me. I feel like I get their humor and culture, but I can't participate in it.

I feel so awkward around them and struggle to make conversation whenever I'm around them. I'm analyzing it in my own head and it seems to be stemming from a lack of self confidence. I'd be interested in hearing what you guys think of my behavior.

Here are some situations that illustrate how bad my social skills are:

1. I don't greet my coworkers when I first come in or say good bye when I leave. I'm afraid of not being heard or ignored by other people, so I ignore them and try to lay low. I do act friendly as much as possible, but I still know this rubs people the wrong way.

2. I rarely talk during our lunches together. I sit with about six other guys every day, and usually don't say a word. This is again out of my fear that no one will hear me accross the table, and I'll just feel awkward about it.

3. On the way to lunch and on the way back, I usually pretend to look at my phone for emails and texts and avoid talking to people. This mainly is because I feel uncomfortable talking to them, which makes them feel uncomfortable, which makes me feel bad.

I basically have zero rapport with my coworkers and I'm just starting to realize how bad it is. I want this to change, but I don't know how to go about it.

I wouldn't even dream about approaching a coworkers cube and chat them up. I'd feel like everyone would be listening to me since I never talk, which would explode the amount of anxiety I'd feel.

I want to build rapport with my coworkers so I can bust their chops and shoot the shit. I know this creates a better and happier workplace, and I totally want in on that, I just don't have the foggiest idea how to do this.

tldr: I can't connect with anyone at work because of my awkwardness and need to change for the sake of my career. What can I do?

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Having Girl Problems?

amonkie

Tip number 1. Put the phone away.

Tip number 2. Look at someone directly and smile.

Tip number 3. Baby steps.



Social skills don't show up overnight, and the anxiety isn't going to go away overnight. But by taking small steps to make yourself appear more approachable, you may find your coworkers meeting you in the middle, or at least interacting for every step you take towards being social.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

snowy

I once felt totally socially awkward as a teenager, and was letting my social anxiety get the best of me in a lot of situations. Reading this book really turned my life around. It showed me that being socially adept is a skill set, and you can learn the skills in that set.

Good luck.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Nepenthes

+1

I became far more social after following Dale Carnegie's advice. Great books that changed my life, too.

Cynthetiq

Dale Carnegie made me more assertive. There's a fine line of assertive to asshole.

You know what doesn't get heard across the table? It's you not saying anything. That's guaranteed 100%. Them not hearing it if you do say it, well it's a small chance that it may happen and they should say, "What? Can you repeat that please?" or something other like that.

Say hello to your coworkers. Say good bye to your coworkers. Spend a few minutes trying to learn about your coworkers via the things on their desks, the books or music you see on their desks. Things they have around them tell you about them. Use those clues to strike up those conversations.

I get what you're saying. I was like that too. I'm like that sometimes. I was like that in my current job. I just did my job and didn't bother to get to know anyone and that made me feel less than everyone else.

But I made a conscious effort to get to know my coworkers. Every day I would talk to them ASIDE from what is required for my job. Something small, something little. All to just bridge that gap. Over time, I've made friends.

We had our Christmas party the other day. I didn't want to go, not just for the social anxiety but I don't drink anymore and it's just annoying to watch other people drink and not be able to when I've had a hard week.

But you know what? I sucked it up and went. I went because it was good for me to do so and get over my own social anxieties.

Here's a small story of what happened that was just strange and reinforces my anxieties.

I was standing with Black and Clint. We were chatting about playing games and LARPs. The president and CEO of the company walked past and Clint said, "Hey Dick! Merry Christmas! How you doing?" Black said, "Hey nice to see you!" I said nothing and had my hands in my pockets by this time.

Dick said,"Hey! Merry Christmas guys!" and he shook both their hands. Dick turned and looked at me and then turned and walked away not saying anything or extending his hand to me.

Now, I know Dick. I have known him for years. My wife talked to him on a regular basis as she worked as an assistant to one of his direct reports. He knows me from my wife.

So, Black and Clint snigger and make comments about how the Asian guy is invisible and how he totally dissed me. I shrugged my shoulder and said I didn't think much of it.

But I did. I was bothered by it, but what could I do now?

Later on that night as I was leaving, I am going down the escalator and I see Dick talking to my wife's old boss. I wave to Dick and Dick waves enthusiastically back to me, making Deb turn around to see who he is waving to. Deb looks at me and says,"Hey Cyn!!! Happy holidays to you!"

And that is why I went to the party....

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

levite

So, +1 for much of what cyn said, and also for what monkie said.

But while you're doing those things, I have an unusual suggestion for you. Take an acting class, at night or on weekends.

I was a very introverted kid. Not necessarily shy, just not good at being "out there." In an attempt to battle this tendency, I took acting classes in high school and college. And I got hooked. Learning the Meisner method of acting made me learn to find all kinds of things inside myself that I never would have guessed were there. It taught me how to overcome so many fears about being accepted, about being judged, about connecting or not connecting to the people around me, about how to capture attention and how to really listen and interact.

I can't recommend it enough. If you do it, it may be hard at first. But stick with it. There is almost nothing I have encountered in my life since that I am not better trained to handle with Meisner method preparation. Seriously.

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Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

GreyWolf

You might try Toastmasters as well... they are incredibly effective at overcoming fear of public speaking and just being in crowds. They insist on NOTHING but positive feedback for your efforts. If you were unable to do nothing more than stand up, blush, stutter, & sit back down, the appropriate response is something along the lines: "That was great... we can tell it took a lot of courage for you to be able to do that!", and a round of genuine applause.

A simple exercise they do that will amaze you is that you have to come up with a compliment for a complete stranger in the room. Might just be "You're very good looking", or "I like your smile". Surprisingly, a forced compliment from a complete stranger still feels nice. Having done that a few times, you realise that what you compliment is less important than the fact you said it.

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The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

bagatelle

This should be asked couple of women to do, who sometimes work in the same shift with me. They bash practically anyone, either a co-worker, who's not in the room at the moment, politicians, anyone on tv...

They possibly could only be forced to say some nice words to each other, but not anyone else in the room, even though they aren't strangers.

But a few polite (but meaningless?) compliments are nice, like are the 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'.

soma

@ GreyWolf, I actually tried toastmasters, and totally failed. It is a great environment, but because I had such a hard time fitting in there, I just stopped going. I also totally bombed my first speech and felt to embarrassed to return. Maybe I'll try again, because I do still believe it is a good thing.

@ levite, for the same reason I failed at toastmasters, I definitely don't think I'm ready for an acting class. I will keep this in mind though.

@ Cynthetiq, as far as striking up conversations go, I don't really know exactly how to do this. Like chatting people up at their cube. Unless I have a legitimate work related reason to talk to someone I don't, but if I do, should I talk to them about the work stuff, and include a "By the way, how was blah blah blah this weekend?". I actually feel like I know a fair amount about my coworkers, but just haven't really tried to talk to them that much.

@ snowy, Nepenthes, Cynthetiq, I actually bought those Dale Carnegie books in highschool. While the books are great, I think my main problem with those books is it doesn't give me super specific advice about how to be more social at work. It is a good book, but I really am confused about what specific actions I can take on the job. This goes back to the example about chatting someone up at their cube, how do I approach? What do I say? How long do I stay?

@ bagatelle, I know that gossip is a great way to build rapport with people. When I was in my teens, I was a gossip queen, but it eventually bit me in the ass, and I just dead stopped using gossip as a rapport tool. Looking back, it seems like all of my conversations were about other people, I guess I never really developed "real" conversation skills when I was growing up. Maybe this is something I can bring back? ...

Anyway, I'll try to post my progress and feedback of any kind is appreciated. It also helps just to write this stuff down, get it all out. Thanks!

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Having Girl Problems?

dogzilla

I'd be careful with gossip. That could get you a bad reputation. I'm kind of a quiet guy myself in a group, but get along fine with co-workers one on one. I'd start with saying hello to people as they come into the office. I find that most people will respond. For those that don't respond, just ignore it and move on. They may be deep in thought, etc and not hear you.

Daniel_

When I was 18, I moved away to go to University.

On the very first day, I was sat in the student union bar, and thought "look at all these people chatting and having fun, I wish I could join in, but nobody knows me".

I then realised that almost everyone there that day was a new student and knew nobody else.

I had always been shy, and lacking in social awareness, but I realised it was time to jump in and re-invent myself, as nobody here knew it was a false persona, so I walked up to a group that looked like a smallish mix of guys and girls, and introduced myself. I turned my fear ("I'm new here and have no contacts") into an ice breaker ("do you feel like that too?").

Turns out EVERYONE feels like that...

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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jewels

Yes.

You know what the books and experts say. Your issue is in the application. But all you've gotta do is try.

Ask how the weekend went. Ask about their kids, s/o. Say good morning and good night. Give a compliment on clothing/smile/desk photo when warranted. It's all about the small connections. You may feel insecure at first, but keep in mind that you're an enigma as far as they're concerned. You can make yourself approachable by adding little tidbits about yourself into conversations. Add subtle personalizations to work-related emails and give genuine smiles with eye contact when you're approached.

Can you think of other exercises that you can personally deal with to put yourself out there in other situations outside of work? It might help to find a social scenario that's not work-related to help build your confidence.

What's that line? Always do the thing you fear the most. It's never as bad as we can build it up to be.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Cimarron29414

soma,

I would return to toastmasters immediately. I would pull the "instructor/organizer" aside and tell them specifically what your challenges are and what you hope to achieve from it. I'm certain they will work with you on those things.

As for your co-workers, you could fix most of it in two sentences. Find the one main co-worker who you feel "safest" around and say, "I like spending lunches with you guys. I hope you don't take my shyness as a slight." That co-worker will definitely tell the others that you are aware of your challenge and they will have renewed patience. However, your advancement in the company is tied to your rapport. You are going to have to break this cycle there. DO NOT break the cycle with gossip. Gossip is occupational suicide.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

bagatelle

Like Daniel says, not everyone else is that confident either, as it may look to you. I've noticed this especially with some cliques, that people can be quite timid, when their regular "partners in crime" aren't present.

Also, there often are better conversation starters around, but you have to give them a chance by being available for talking. Don't rush off too soon.

Yes, the gossip is deadly. I admit to being nosey enough to listen people telling me "news" of others. I admire some people, who can actually talk about their own business and they listen to mine. I think I should be more stern not letting the gossiping continue, but it's often a persistent way of communicating in some environments.

KellyC

You know, a conversation is a two way street so don't feel like you have to put in all the work. Yes, ask them about their weekend, about their day, about their stupid work even. Don't worry about what to say, just listen, be interested in what they're saying, and you'll come up with something. If it doesn't go as well as you'd like, then just shrug it off and try again another time. As for the duration, if you feel like you have nothing else to say and awkward silence is creeping up, then just excuse yourself back to your work area or something. And then try again another time. The bottom line is you have to get out of your comfort zone and try. There's no way around this path and there's no shortcut either. So just do it.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
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Cynthetiq

That's kind of the problem with this all. We want scripts we can follow. The problem is that once someone goes off script we're even more lost and anxious about what to do or say next.

So you know some things about your coworkers already. Ask them questions that make sense about that information. Example, "You live on the Westside right? I've been meaning to go to X Store or Y restaurant. Have you ever been there? What do you think of that place?" Depending on how they react you can build on that by saying something like,"Oh really? It's not worth it? What do you recommend in that area" or if you notice they have a hobby or overhear them doing an activity, ask them about that specifically and add to it what you know about it. You may find that they will be happy to educate you in what they have learned over the years.

Small talk is just that. It's small, it's light. It is non-confrontational, actually no real reason for any anxiety, even though I have some.

It's non-committal to anything or any way. In the end it just winds up being what it is.

Now I usually keep a mental file of people in my head. Likes, dislikes, activites, hobbies, parts of countries they like, adventures, tales, whatever. And from time to time I connect them with something that I find on TV, newspaper, online, etc. and share it with them via email. It's a way to connect with them and let them know that I'm paying attention and listening even if it seems like I'm not hearing or participating in their group.

I can also liken it to here. People say there is a clique here. Far from it, the clique of people you see here are those that are participating. That's the only in crowd there is. If you don't type anything here, no one knows you exist. While that's not the extreme at the office, it is a decent parallel because well as far as coworker to friends are concerned you don't exist until you participate in that friends sphere.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Nepenthes

+1 (I was just going to post something very similar).

To paraphrase a quote from a Dale book "Have a genuine interest in getting to know someone."

Don't fear failure.

You need to re-read the books and put the advice into practice. I re-read them all the time to keep the information fresh on my mind and to put the advice into action.

soma

Mini-update: I made a fairly big push to talk more during lunch and during other social times. It worked out pretty well, but I think there was some resistance from my coworkers, like "why is the quiet intern talking more all of a sudden". I think if I keep things up things will get better. Will post more updates as they come, thanks everyone.

Also, I'm days away from paying off all of my debt and will be making my first donation to TFP, after being a member for 5 years
(sorry I have to too my horn a little)

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Having Girl Problems?

Calypso15

Usually if you find one coworker who fairs well with others and is well liked you should get to know that person. If you do better in smaller groups or one on one this may be a good idea. Getting to know the person who knows everyone is a good place to start.

Cynthetiq

goof job.
is that really resistance or is it just ball bustin by coworkers? I would also think that it would be better to strike up conversations with your coworkers at their cubicles because it keeps you looking like every time you go see them you have work for them. I think it worse that someone thinks of me here comes Cyn trying to give me more work to do.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

soma

Oops. Actually, they're not saying things like "woah, the intern is talking!", just what I imagine they're thinking.

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Having Girl Problems?

snowy

That is probably another mistake of yours: overanalyzing what people are thinking/saying about you. Guess what? People don't care that much. They are wrapped up in their own lives and own concerns. I have to remind myself of this all the time.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Shadowex3

You don't have horrible social skills. Your first post demonstrates that by showing that you understand the principles of social interaction and how your actions can make others feel. Doing that requires social skills, the ability to empathise, that sort of thing.

What you could use more of is self confidence. Of course it never hurts to study social skills either since they tend to influence each other strongly.

You're assuming the negative about yourself and other people (especially what other people think about you) and you're overestimating the negative consequences of an awkward conversational misstep. You're not getting caught doing the CEO's wife on his desk, you're making a minor slip in conversation. Unless you hit a huge freudian slip odds are nobody will remember even days later if you dont make a big deal out of it.

I know how you feel Soma, I literally had next to no human interaction from about the 5th grade until my junior year of highschool, and even then it was pretty sparse. You can learn to be better in public and with people, self-confidence is a muscle. The more you exercise it the better you'll get. Just remember to not let things get to you, especially not in the long term, and you'll build some resiliency too that will make your mistakes feel like they sting a lot less.

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hunnychile

You're over thinking every encounter.

Just smile and say "hi there...how's it going". I've found that's the perfect ice breaker and if you put your right hand out and are willing to shake with this new person...life is good.

Keep it simple. Keep smiling. When you're right there "one on one" just smile and listen. It has done wonders for me in every venue and walk of life I've been thrown into. If you keep it this simple...you'll be blown away how nice it becomes past this first step.

I've even said, "Geez these meetings are harder than they need to be." I've gained many new business/professional friends saying this - in all honesty.

You can do this. After you do, you'll feel alot better. Be the Victor not a Victim.

Easy. Take a deep breath and just do it.

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

SirLance

If you want to be interesting, be interested. Ask people about their families, their hobbies, their favorite sports teams, where they like to go on vacation. Then listen and pop in occasionally with another question. People love to talk about themselves and you will be considered a scintillating conversationalist.

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Martian

And sometimes I have to remind you too.

Yeah, stop thinking about this stuff so much. People don't care about the things you do or say nearly as much as you think they do.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame