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Cynthetiq · 12-07-2010, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by soma

@ GreyWolf, I actually tried toastmasters, and totally failed. It is a great environment, but because I had such a hard time fitting in there, I just stopped going. I also totally bombed my first speech and felt to embarrassed to return. Maybe I'll try again, because I do still believe it is a good thing.

@ levite, for the same reason I failed at toastmasters, I definitely don't think I'm ready for an acting class. I will keep this in mind though.

@ Cynthetiq, as far as striking up conversations go, I don't really know exactly how to do this. Like chatting people up at their cube. Unless I have a legitimate work related reason to talk to someone I don't, but if I do, should I talk to them about the work stuff, and include a "By the way, how was blah blah blah this weekend?". I actually feel like I know a fair amount about my coworkers, but just haven't really tried to talk to them that much.

@ snowy, Nepenthes, Cynthetiq, I actually bought those Dale Carnegie books in highschool. While the books are great, I think my main problem with those books is it doesn't give me super specific advice about how to be more social at work. It is a good book, but I really am confused about what specific actions I can take on the job. This goes back to the example about chatting someone up at their cube, how do I approach? What do I say? How long do I stay?

@ bagatelle, I know that gossip is a great way to build rapport with people. When I was in my teens, I was a gossip queen, but it eventually bit me in the ass, and I just dead stopped using gossip as a rapport tool. Looking back, it seems like all of my conversations were about other people, I guess I never really developed "real" conversation skills when I was growing up. Maybe this is something I can bring back? ...

Anyway, I'll try to post my progress and feedback of any kind is appreciated. It also helps just to write this stuff down, get it all out. Thanks!

That's kind of the problem with this all. We want scripts we can follow. The problem is that once someone goes off script we're even more lost and anxious about what to do or say next.

So you know some things about your coworkers already. Ask them questions that make sense about that information. Example, "You live on the Westside right? I've been meaning to go to X Store or Y restaurant. Have you ever been there? What do you think of that place?" Depending on how they react you can build on that by saying something like,"Oh really? It's not worth it? What do you recommend in that area" or if you notice they have a hobby or overhear them doing an activity, ask them about that specifically and add to it what you know about it. You may find that they will be happy to educate you in what they have learned over the years.

Small talk is just that. It's small, it's light. It is non-confrontational, actually no real reason for any anxiety, even though I have some.

It's non-committal to anything or any way. In the end it just winds up being what it is.

Now I usually keep a mental file of people in my head. Likes, dislikes, activites, hobbies, parts of countries they like, adventures, tales, whatever. And from time to time I connect them with something that I find on TV, newspaper, online, etc. and share it with them via email. It's a way to connect with them and let them know that I'm paying attention and listening even if it seems like I'm not hearing or participating in their group.

I can also liken it to here. People say there is a clique here. Far from it, the clique of people you see here are those that are participating. That's the only in crowd there is. If you don't type anything here, no one knows you exist. While that's not the extreme at the office, it is a decent parallel because well as far as coworker to friends are concerned you don't exist until you participate in that friends sphere.