Time Demands - Learning to Say No? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

little_tippler · 09-12-2008, 03:27 AM

It seems that ever more frequently, demands are being made on our time that make the days seem to fly by at an alarmingly fast rate.

For me, currently my life is starting to pick up a pace that soon I think will be almost impossible to keep up. I am working full time during the week, completing the 2nd year of a masters degree (and currently I have classes and also my thesis to write), painting and trying to exhibit my art work, rehearsing with a guitarist to sing in bars, taking surf lessons, moderating on the TFP, doing freelance design work... I could go on for a while. On top of that I also live alone so I have to do most things for myself. That sometimes means getting home at 10 pm and still having to sort out dinner and lunch for the next day, taking care of my cats, doing washing, chores, etc.

The thing is, if I'm interested in something, I can't say no. For example, a friend of mine who is completing her PhD in Anthropology has asked me to type up her fieldnotes, which is about 30 books full of her notes on her thesis. She will be paying me, and I'm really curious to know more about her chosen topic of study, so I said yes. Well it's a close friend, how could I refuse? I really didn't want to refuse. But my time...

On my holidays, a friend asked if I could design a logo for another friend. No pay, but I like to help, and the work is interesting. So I did that.

I am currently considering adding even more to my list of activities. Don't ask me why. I just want to, even though it could kill me heh.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I must be! The time just isn't enough. This soon will result in sleepless nights spent working my butt off so I don't fail anyone or anything. It will be exhausting, but rewarding.

The problem here is that my body can't keep up. This past year has been similar and I'm worried I won't cope well. I have been feeling constantly tired recently. I can't perform as well or as much. I guess the less important things will fall away as I realise I can't do it all.

But I have always had this urge. For example, I work in an art gallery. It's an interesting field and I think I could do well in it. But then I also think I'd like to be a professional artist. Or singer. Or actress. Or...My mind is always racing and I can never settle on one thing.

So how can I find in myself the will to focus and just say no? Does anyone else have this problem?

Baraka_Guru · 09-12-2008, 03:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little_tippler

So how can I find in myself the will to focus and just say no? Does anyone else have this problem?

Many people have this as a challenge.

One way to look at it: Saying yes to others often means saying no to yourself.

Sometimes you need to take care of yourself. How long will you keep saying no?

dlish · 09-12-2008, 03:53 AM

so i guess asking you to do the TFP calender for 2009 is out of the question then?

Push-Pull · 09-12-2008, 04:40 AM

Fighting urges is just part of life, much like someone trying to quit smoking, alcohol, drugs, etc, you'll have to figure out how to break this addiction.

When is the last time you took 30 minutes to sit and watch the world go by and let your mind just go where it wanted to?

girldetective · 09-12-2008, 05:39 AM

I dont know, tip. I sort of admire the work youre getting done, the shear amount. Being creative and busy is one of the best things there is. I like it when I have things to occupy me. Perhaps you could still do all the things you want but at a slower pace? And perhaps one thing will begin to become more important to you, or an event will happen that focuses your attention and love more toward one venue than another. Who knows?

But hey gogo girl! Remember to take your vitamins and to eat/drink, and get some sleep each night.

ColonelSpecial · 09-12-2008, 03:40 PM

This might sound silly but practice saying no. You can do this as you lie in bed waiting for sleep to come. Pick a scenario such as your friend asking for help for the other friend with the logo and practice saying a tactful no. You don't have to go into details, just tell them you have enough on your plate and you will be unable to help this time. Practice until you feel comfortable with saying no.

The next time someone asks for help, ask them for a day to think about it. Next, look at your schedule and decide if it is something you can really take into your life at this moment. If it is, get back to them and say you would be happy to help them. If you are unable to at this time, see my advice above. Either way, get back to the person promptly. This will cut down on automatically saying yes as you will be looking at it objectively.

RWE · 09-15-2008, 12:25 AM

I agree with ColonelSpecial: practice saying no. I used to have this same problem of getting involved in activities which piqued my curiosity but got in the way of more important things in life.

Now, I can say no when I know I have something high priority coming up. Still, occasionally I'll pack my schedule full because at times, it's important for me to feel productive and accomplished. This feeling can trump the desire to get enough sleep or to have down time to browse the web, hang out with people, or just think to myself.

I try to see the value in the choices for each decision I make. This kind of helps on those times when I feel like I'm going crazy. I tell myself that it's part of my plan to have hectic days that give me more experiences at the end. Right now I'm doing the opposite and enjoying the value in this--that is, keeping an open schedule so that I can have time to myself--but I think I could pick up a hectic lifestyle again and appreciate what I'd get out of that.

If you find you're really overstretched, don't be afraid to tell people that you bit off more than you could chew. Your friend could probably find someone else to type up her notes if you couldn't do it.

Iliftrocks · 09-16-2008, 07:27 AM

I often wonder if people who keep themselves over-busy are just running away from the quiet times of real contemplation. Is it keep busy or you feel guilty? My new GF is like that. She can't have any free time or she kind of goes nuts. Honestly, I don't see what she does get done, but spin her wheels. She's had some personal trauma, that I think she hasn't worked through, in her life, and I think she can ignore the pain, if she just keeps busy.

I'm having a bit of trouble with coherence today, sorry.

Cynthetiq · 09-16-2008, 07:35 AM

I think it was this book that helped me learn to say no.

Amazon.com: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: Manuel J. Smith: Books

little_tippler · 09-16-2008, 07:56 AM

Like I have said, the problem isn't saying no, it's that I don't actually want to say no. I will say no when I'm not interested. But if time is the only obstacle, I will probably say yes. Which is silly because then I'm swamped.

For me it's not a question of running away from anything. I am an only child and an introvert, I need quiet time. I like my own company, and occasional solitude. Sometimes I want the whole world to go away so I can just fiddle with my thoughts.

I think I will take some of your advice and practice saying no. Maybe reading that book will help me too Cyn. I'll have to see. For now, I'm just trying to take each thing one step at a time.

I have a list on my PC of all the things I have yet to do and the deadlines I have set. Every day I cross a few things off. Slowly they get done. The problem is I keep adding to it every day too. I am incorrigible...

Thanks for your tips. At the end of the day, I love doing a lot of different things, and I love helping others and being creative. All I need now is more hours in each day and I'm good

Iliftrocks · 09-16-2008, 09:06 AM

Ok then, just add a meditation project each week to your to do list. Heh. I'm only half kidding, schedule in the "me" time, and make it a priority. I'm one of seven kids, and the only introvert, ha

Nothing wrong with an ever-growing to do list, either. The day it quits growing.... well, you know

ItWasMe · 09-16-2008, 09:21 AM

It is fun keeping busy with things that are interesting, as long as you don't wear yourself out. I think some people require more 'down time' to recharge than others, just like some require more mental stimulation. Figure out how many hours in a day you can fill without becoming so tired that you are no longer happy/healthy. When those time slots are full, ackknowledge that "your plate is full" or "your schedule is full."

I had to prioritize my bucket list. Before taking on new projects, I ask myself:

* How long term are they? If one takes a weekend, and another takes a month, you might be able to do both if you postpone the second one.

* Do I have a long term goal, that is almost finished, that will be compromised (like education) if I take on this project? I'd suggest postponing the new project if the answer is yes.

*Is this activity going to put undue stress on other people, by compromising a group project you have going? Can I postpone this new activity for a short while, until I finish one I am already working on?

* Can I swap this new project with and old one...like say, an old hobby that is not keeping your interest lately? I put one hobby on the back burner and took another one entirely off the stovetop to learn something new.

If all else fails, sleep on it. Give yourself a day or two to think about where it will fit into your day. Something that piques your interest early today after your morning coffee might not look as appealing two nights from now when you are crawling into bed dog tired.

walker4919 · 12-11-2010, 07:27 AM

This is my first post as I am new to this group. I found the book, "WHEN I SAY NO, I FEEL GUILTY" very helpful in the past. It's my family that I have trouble saying no to. They feel I should go along with how we always did things as a family and if I don't, well I pay for it with the silent treatment or labeled as difficult. It is very stressful for me. I grew up in a strict Catholic family and even though I stick to my principals, the guilt stays.

09-12-2008, 03:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	Time Demands - Learning to Say No? It seems that ever more frequently, demands are being made on our time that make the days seem to fly by at an alarmingly fast rate. For me, currently my life is starting to pick up a pace that soon I think will be almost impossible to keep up. I am working full time during the week, completing the 2nd year of a masters degree (and currently I have classes and also my thesis to write), painting and trying to exhibit my art work, rehearsing with a guitarist to sing in bars, taking surf lessons, moderating on the TFP, doing freelance design work... I could go on for a while. On top of that I also live alone so I have to do most things for myself. That sometimes means getting home at 10 pm and still having to sort out dinner and lunch for the next day, taking care of my cats, doing washing, chores, etc. The thing is, if I'm interested in something, I can't say no. For example, a friend of mine who is completing her PhD in Anthropology has asked me to type up her fieldnotes, which is about 30 books full of her notes on her thesis. She will be paying me, and I'm really curious to know more about her chosen topic of study, so I said yes. Well it's a close friend, how could I refuse? I really didn't want to refuse. But my time... On my holidays, a friend asked if I could design a logo for another friend. No pay, but I like to help, and the work is interesting. So I did that. I am currently considering adding even more to my list of activities. Don't ask me why. I just want to, even though it could kill me heh. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I must be! The time just isn't enough. This soon will result in sleepless nights spent working my butt off so I don't fail anyone or anything. It will be exhausting, but rewarding. The problem here is that my body can't keep up. This past year has been similar and I'm worried I won't cope well. I have been feeling constantly tired recently. I can't perform as well or as much. I guess the less important things will fall away as I realise I can't do it all. But I have always had this urge. For example, I work in an art gallery. It's an interesting field and I think I could do well in it. But then I also think I'd like to be a professional artist. Or singer. Or actress. Or...My mind is always racing and I can never settle on one thing. So how can I find in myself the will to focus and just say no? Does anyone else have this problem? __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

09-12-2008, 03:53 AM	#3 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	so i guess asking you to do the TFP calender for 2009 is out of the question then? __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

09-12-2008, 04:40 AM	#4 (permalink)
Push-Pull I'll ask when I'm ready.... Location: Firmly in the middle....	Fighting urges is just part of life, much like someone trying to quit smoking, alcohol, drugs, etc, you'll have to figure out how to break this addiction. When is the last time you took 30 minutes to sit and watch the world go by and let your mind just go where it wanted to? __________________ "No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me- "Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown- DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

09-12-2008, 05:39 AM	#5 (permalink)
girldetective sufferable	I dont know, tip. I sort of admire the work youre getting done, the shear amount. Being creative and busy is one of the best things there is. I like it when I have things to occupy me. Perhaps you could still do all the things you want but at a slower pace? And perhaps one thing will begin to become more important to you, or an event will happen that focuses your attention and love more toward one venue than another. Who knows? But hey gogo girl! Remember to take your vitamins and to eat/drink, and get some sleep each night. __________________ As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata Last edited by girldetective; 09-12-2008 at 09:14 AM..

09-12-2008, 03:40 PM	#6 (permalink)
ColonelSpecial Insane	This might sound silly but practice saying no. You can do this as you lie in bed waiting for sleep to come. Pick a scenario such as your friend asking for help for the other friend with the logo and practice saying a tactful no. You don't have to go into details, just tell them you have enough on your plate and you will be unable to help this time. Practice until you feel comfortable with saying no. The next time someone asks for help, ask them for a day to think about it. Next, look at your schedule and decide if it is something you can really take into your life at this moment. If it is, get back to them and say you would be happy to help them. If you are unable to at this time, see my advice above. Either way, get back to the person promptly. This will cut down on automatically saying yes as you will be looking at it objectively. __________________ "Mommy, the presidents are squishing me!" "Using the pull out method of contraceptive is like saying I won't use a seat belt, I'll just jump out of the car before it hits that tree." Sara

09-15-2008, 12:25 AM	#7 (permalink)
RWE Upright	I agree with ColonelSpecial: practice saying no. I used to have this same problem of getting involved in activities which piqued my curiosity but got in the way of more important things in life. Now, I can say no when I know I have something high priority coming up. Still, occasionally I'll pack my schedule full because at times, it's important for me to feel productive and accomplished. This feeling can trump the desire to get enough sleep or to have down time to browse the web, hang out with people, or just think to myself. I try to see the value in the choices for each decision I make. This kind of helps on those times when I feel like I'm going crazy. I tell myself that it's part of my plan to have hectic days that give me more experiences at the end. Right now I'm doing the opposite and enjoying the value in this--that is, keeping an open schedule so that I can have time to myself--but I think I could pick up a hectic lifestyle again and appreciate what I'd get out of that. If you find you're really overstretched, don't be afraid to tell people that you bit off more than you could chew. Your friend could probably find someone else to type up her notes if you couldn't do it. __________________ "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

09-16-2008, 07:27 AM	#8 (permalink)
Iliftrocks Junkie Location: Near Raleigh, NC	I often wonder if people who keep themselves over-busy are just running away from the quiet times of real contemplation. Is it keep busy or you feel guilty? My new GF is like that. She can't have any free time or she kind of goes nuts. Honestly, I don't see what she does get done, but spin her wheels. She's had some personal trauma, that I think she hasn't worked through, in her life, and I think she can ignore the pain, if she just keeps busy. I'm having a bit of trouble with coherence today, sorry. __________________ bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

09-16-2008, 07:35 AM	#9 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	I think it was this book that helped me learn to say no. Amazon.com: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: Manuel J. Smith: Books Amazon.com: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: Manuel J. Smith: Books __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

09-16-2008, 07:56 AM	#10 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	Like I have said, the problem isn't saying no, it's that I don't actually want to say no. I will say no when I'm not interested. But if time is the only obstacle, I will probably say yes. Which is silly because then I'm swamped. For me it's not a question of running away from anything. I am an only child and an introvert, I need quiet time. I like my own company, and occasional solitude. Sometimes I want the whole world to go away so I can just fiddle with my thoughts. I think I will take some of your advice and practice saying no. Maybe reading that book will help me too Cyn. I'll have to see. For now, I'm just trying to take each thing one step at a time. I have a list on my PC of all the things I have yet to do and the deadlines I have set. Every day I cross a few things off. Slowly they get done. The problem is I keep adding to it every day too. I am incorrigible... Thanks for your tips. At the end of the day, I love doing a lot of different things, and I love helping others and being creative. All I need now is more hours in each day and I'm good __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

09-16-2008, 09:06 AM	#11 (permalink)
Iliftrocks Junkie Location: Near Raleigh, NC	Ok then, just add a meditation project each week to your to do list. Heh. I'm only half kidding, schedule in the "me" time, and make it a priority. I'm one of seven kids, and the only introvert, ha Nothing wrong with an ever-growing to do list, either. The day it quits growing.... well, you know __________________ bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

09-16-2008, 09:21 AM	#12 (permalink)
ItWasMe But You'll Never Prove It. Location: under your bed	It is fun keeping busy with things that are interesting, as long as you don't wear yourself out. I think some people require more 'down time' to recharge than others, just like some require more mental stimulation. Figure out how many hours in a day you can fill without becoming so tired that you are no longer happy/healthy. When those time slots are full, ackknowledge that "your plate is full" or "your schedule is full." I had to prioritize my bucket list. Before taking on new projects, I ask myself: * How long term are they? If one takes a weekend, and another takes a month, you might be able to do both if you postpone the second one. * Do I have a long term goal, that is almost finished, that will be compromised (like education) if I take on this project? I'd suggest postponing the new project if the answer is yes. Is this activity going to put undue stress on other people, by compromising a group project you have going? Can I postpone this new activity for a short while, until I finish one I am already working on? Can I swap this new project with and old one...like say, an old hobby that is not keeping your interest lately? I put one hobby on the back burner and took another one entirely off the stovetop to learn something new. If all else fails, sleep on it. Give yourself a day or two to think about where it will fit into your day. Something that piques your interest early today after your morning coffee might not look as appealing two nights from now when you are crawling into bed dog tired. __________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

12-11-2010, 07:27 AM	#13 (permalink)
walker4919 Upright Location: New Hampshire	This is my first post as I am new to this group. I found the book, "WHEN I SAY NO, I FEEL GUILTY" very helpful in the past. It's my family that I have trouble saying no to. They feel I should go along with how we always did things as a family and if I don't, well I pay for it with the silent treatment or labeled as difficult. It is very stressful for me. I grew up in a strict Catholic family and even though I stick to my principals, the guilt stays.