evilmatt

Hey TFP.

Last time I was here full time was when my ex-wife and I were splitting back in 2003. It was a really rough time and, despite everyone's warnings, I was adamant that she wasn't interested in anyone else and that I thought the marriage was salvageable. In the end it turned out she was seeing my best friend and that nothing was salvageable. The joke was on me. It was really rough on me for a while but in the end things turned out alright, thanks to a lot of new friends and my resilient heart.

I'm not so sure this time.

My wife and I met shortly before my divorce was finalized. I hadn't lived with my ex-wife in months and months and had little to no contact so it wasn't some sort of affair going on. I was living alone in the city and she had just returned from San Diego where she had cut her engagement off for many reasons. We were two hurt but hopeful souls looking to find love and a future despite our shared terrible experiences.

Flash forward 7 years and we have two great kids, a house in the suburbs, car, etc. And a looming divorce.

It's been building for a while. I was less aware of this than she apparently is but it's gotten to the point where we've separated and gotten back together a few times in the past 7 months and she can't do it anymore, so she wants a divorce and I'm in denial thinking that maybe we can still work things out. The major issues are me not spending enough time with the kids, not straightening up and generally making her feel like a maid. Now I of course don't intentionally do these things but it's how she feels nonetheless, I'm not anyone to tell her how she feels.

I desperately love her. I'm desperately in love with her. For the longest time she and I were incredible. Just the mounting pressure of time and kids and responsibilities and just LIFE has brought us past the breaking point and she's not willing or wanting to keep going down this path.

Just like the last time around, I don't suspect cheating. She's always been upfront about that. If she wanted to mess around on me, she would tell me that things were over because she wanted someone else and that would be that. Instead, she's telling me things are over because of my inability to change as well as her need to be alone, to work on herself.

She's been working on herself a lot lately. From getting her CNA to taking up running, she's making a lot of progress getting to a better place. A place where she can be happy. I'm just beyond sad that I won't be there once she arrives. We've been through so much over the past six and a half years, it's just impossible for me to imagine getting through the day to day without her. Knowing she's out there and being... well... herself.

We have a lot of work to do with scheduling how we're going to handle watching the kids and all that. They're only 2 and 4 so at least they won't be impacted too hard by this. Well not as hard as if they were older. There's also a lot of financial considerations as I'm the only source of income so she's going to be looking for a job in this horrible economy.

If you're married or engaged, all I can say is be so fucking careful. People change with time and what doesn't seem like a big deal today can turn into a deal breaker down the road. Constant vigilance and communication is how a marriage works, nothing lasts forever and thinking your marriage can is foolish.

I don't even know what the absolute point of this post is, I just wanted to air this out because we're not really telling anyone at this point and I don't have any close friends, lost those in the divorce 7 years ago. Be well, everyone. If you have love, hold onto it for dear life because it's fleeting and fragile.

katyg

I don't have love at the moment, I sympathize with what you are going through and know that you can get through this again, remember you found her after a broken heart, not to sound pathetic but you will heal and get through this. I don't know what else to say except that.

__________________
"We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give"
Winston Churchill

Freetofly

I have been married for almost 30 years; I have sacrificed my life for my kids and the home. I have no regrets for that. I have worked full time, raised three kids without the help of my husband. He came and went as he pleased. I did that because I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Year after year I lost a little bit of my soul, only living on remote control. Than last year, I went through some life changing realities and just wanted to die. I really mean “die”.
Then something happened that I can’t explain, I started to come to life, and started to do things for myself. My husband can’t stand it, he wants me to be that 50’s house wife who doesn’t talk back and is just a slave to his needs. I want to leave so bad, I feel nothing for him. When I do go, it will be swift with no talking about it; tired of his twisted words and that I’m the crazy one.
So what I’m trying to say I think to you is let her grow. Make sure you are doing your part with the kids. We women aren’t machines; I hate it when I hear that stupid slogan “Super Mom”. Good Luck to you and your family Evilmatt!

lurkette

I feel for you, and I wish you the best. It's not uncommon for husbands to feel blind-sided by divorce. But I have some questions for you.

Have you been to marriage counseling? Or even individual counseling?

Is she right - are you unwilling to change?

If you know what the problem is (her feeling unsupported), have you done anything about it? Do you feel like she's making unreasonable demands?

It seems like you're giving up in defeat instead of looking at what you could be doing to salvage the situation.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

amonkie

My perception of the scenario based on your words:

She's starting making time for herself and her interests. The result is that she is no longer able to take full responsibility for kid watching/chores, especially if it was something she used to take care of 100%.

The internal changes in building up yourself take time. She didn't get the opportunity to pursue some of these changes while she was unattached, and if she had you might not even be compatible now. Its the chance we take that we take whoever we're with as they are in that moment.

I second Lurkette's question regarding whether you have pursued counseling, either individually or together.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Cimarron29414

If these truly are the reasons for your pending divorce, I feel really sad. This seems so fixable with real effort. I don't know what else to say. Two more kids growing up without their folks together because our society refuses to really listen/talk to one another.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

snowy

Not only that, but it seems to me that many couples refuse to seek counseling until it's too late. I find it strange that people are generally willing to get a yearly physical exam to prevent illness, but not willing to do similar check-ups or preventative care on the relationships that are supposed to be the most important to us.

For those interested in preventative maintenance of your marriage, check out Dr. John Gottman's books. Products recommended or by The Gottman Relationship Institute

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Freetofly

I wanted to do the counseling, he called it for Misfits that don't know there way.
I went without him anyway. Learn some useful information, but its still a lonely road.

I will check out the books recommended by snowy. Never can stop learning.

lurkette

Much better to pretend you know what you're doing and watch your marriage disintegrate because YOU DON'T. If you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't be in this situation, right? It's no sign of weakness to admit you need help - it's a sign of maturity and commitment to improving yourself and your relationships.

This attitude towards counseling never ceases to amaze me. Really I think people are either deeply embarrassed to spill their secrets to a stranger, afraid of what they might discover/reveal about themselves, or for some reason deeply committed to their familiar misery. Astonishing.

To the OP - if you are not willing to do the work it takes to save your marriage, you will get no sympathy from me or very many other people.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Eddie38

She got her CNA, is getting fit, focusing on her self and now...she doesn't need you anymore. Perhaps resentment has built up over time and she's fallen out of love with you. Falling out of love makes it much easier to leave and find out if the grass in greener on the other side. She sounds very selfish seeing that there are children in the mix and this divorce will really damage them.

Honestly, you say she's not seeing anyone else but I wouldn't be so quick to believe her, people can be very, very sneaky. Anyone that would throw away a marriage and do this to their children when they aren't getting beaten or cheated on must have some serious stuff going on, like an affair. I've seen it before. When a woman is having an affair nothing else matters except her and the new guy.

G~man

Yes people change with time, and you need to change and grow together. A marriage can last forever, but it takes work and commitment. (Not that mine have lasted). Others have suggested counseling, seems like a good idea to me...go fight for your marriage. Reminds me of a quote which seems appropriate:

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☻/ G~man.........
/▌ "Life may not be the party we hoped for----
/ \ but while we're here, we might as well dance ! ! ! "

Plan9

Misfits? Proper noun? I love Misfits.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

biggirls

i am sorry to hear that.