Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > The Academy > Tilted Life


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-31-2010, 04:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Suburbia
Divorce. Again.

Hey TFP.

Last time I was here full time was when my ex-wife and I were splitting back in 2003. It was a really rough time and, despite everyone's warnings, I was adamant that she wasn't interested in anyone else and that I thought the marriage was salvageable. In the end it turned out she was seeing my best friend and that nothing was salvageable. The joke was on me. It was really rough on me for a while but in the end things turned out alright, thanks to a lot of new friends and my resilient heart.

I'm not so sure this time.

My wife and I met shortly before my divorce was finalized. I hadn't lived with my ex-wife in months and months and had little to no contact so it wasn't some sort of affair going on. I was living alone in the city and she had just returned from San Diego where she had cut her engagement off for many reasons. We were two hurt but hopeful souls looking to find love and a future despite our shared terrible experiences.

Flash forward 7 years and we have two great kids, a house in the suburbs, car, etc. And a looming divorce.

It's been building for a while. I was less aware of this than she apparently is but it's gotten to the point where we've separated and gotten back together a few times in the past 7 months and she can't do it anymore, so she wants a divorce and I'm in denial thinking that maybe we can still work things out. The major issues are me not spending enough time with the kids, not straightening up and generally making her feel like a maid. Now I of course don't intentionally do these things but it's how she feels nonetheless, I'm not anyone to tell her how she feels.

I desperately love her. I'm desperately in love with her. For the longest time she and I were incredible. Just the mounting pressure of time and kids and responsibilities and just LIFE has brought us past the breaking point and she's not willing or wanting to keep going down this path.

Just like the last time around, I don't suspect cheating. She's always been upfront about that. If she wanted to mess around on me, she would tell me that things were over because she wanted someone else and that would be that. Instead, she's telling me things are over because of my inability to change as well as her need to be alone, to work on herself.

She's been working on herself a lot lately. From getting her CNA to taking up running, she's making a lot of progress getting to a better place. A place where she can be happy. I'm just beyond sad that I won't be there once she arrives. We've been through so much over the past six and a half years, it's just impossible for me to imagine getting through the day to day without her. Knowing she's out there and being... well... herself.

We have a lot of work to do with scheduling how we're going to handle watching the kids and all that. They're only 2 and 4 so at least they won't be impacted too hard by this. Well not as hard as if they were older. There's also a lot of financial considerations as I'm the only source of income so she's going to be looking for a job in this horrible economy.

If you're married or engaged, all I can say is be so fucking careful. People change with time and what doesn't seem like a big deal today can turn into a deal breaker down the road. Constant vigilance and communication is how a marriage works, nothing lasts forever and thinking your marriage can is foolish.

I don't even know what the absolute point of this post is, I just wanted to air this out because we're not really telling anyone at this point and I don't have any close friends, lost those in the divorce 7 years ago. Be well, everyone. If you have love, hold onto it for dear life because it's fleeting and fragile.
evilmatt is offline  
Old 07-31-2010, 05:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
Tilted
 
katyg's Avatar
 
I don't have love at the moment, I sympathize with what you are going through and know that you can get through this again, remember you found her after a broken heart, not to sound pathetic but you will heal and get through this. I don't know what else to say except that.
__________________
"We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give"
Winston Churchill
katyg is offline  
Old 07-31-2010, 07:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Where ever I land
I have been married for almost 30 years; I have sacrificed my life for my kids and the home. I have no regrets for that. I have worked full time, raised three kids without the help of my husband. He came and went as he pleased. I did that because I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Year after year I lost a little bit of my soul, only living on remote control. Than last year, I went through some life changing realities and just wanted to die. I really mean “die”.
Then something happened that I can’t explain, I started to come to life, and started to do things for myself. My husband can’t stand it, he wants me to be that 50’s house wife who doesn’t talk back and is just a slave to his needs. I want to leave so bad, I feel nothing for him. When I do go, it will be swift with no talking about it; tired of his twisted words and that I’m the crazy one.
So what I’m trying to say I think to you is let her grow. Make sure you are doing your part with the kids. We women aren’t machines; I hate it when I hear that stupid slogan “Super Mom”. Good Luck to you and your family Evilmatt!
Freetofly is offline  
Old 08-01-2010, 06:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
My future is coming on
 
lurkette's Avatar
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: east of the sun and west of the moon
I feel for you, and I wish you the best. It's not uncommon for husbands to feel blind-sided by divorce. But I have some questions for you.

Have you been to marriage counseling? Or even individual counseling?

Is she right - are you unwilling to change?

If you know what the problem is (her feeling unsupported), have you done anything about it? Do you feel like she's making unreasonable demands?

It seems like you're giving up in defeat instead of looking at what you could be doing to salvage the situation.
__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France
lurkette is offline  
Old 08-01-2010, 06:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
Drifting
 
amonkie's Avatar
 
Administrator
Location: Windy City
My perception of the scenario based on your words:

She's starting making time for herself and her interests. The result is that she is no longer able to take full responsibility for kid watching/chores, especially if it was something she used to take care of 100%.

The internal changes in building up yourself take time. She didn't get the opportunity to pursue some of these changes while she was unattached, and if she had you might not even be compatible now. Its the chance we take that we take whoever we're with as they are in that moment.

I second Lurkette's question regarding whether you have pursued counseling, either individually or together.
__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna
amonkie is offline  
Old 08-04-2010, 07:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
Still Free
 
Cimarron29414's Avatar
 
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
If these truly are the reasons for your pending divorce, I feel really sad. This seems so fixable with real effort. I don't know what else to say. Two more kids growing up without their folks together because our society refuses to really listen/talk to one another.
__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."
Cimarron29414 is offline  
Old 08-04-2010, 07:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
Kick Ass Kunoichi
 
snowy's Avatar
 
Location: Oregon
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cimarron29414 View Post
If these truly are the reasons for your pending divorce, I feel really sad. This seems so fixable with real effort. I don't know what else to say. Two more kids growing up without their folks together because our society refuses to really listen/talk to one another.
Not only that, but it seems to me that many couples refuse to seek counseling until it's too late. I find it strange that people are generally willing to get a yearly physical exam to prevent illness, but not willing to do similar check-ups or preventative care on the relationships that are supposed to be the most important to us.

For those interested in preventative maintenance of your marriage, check out Dr. John Gottman's books. Products recommended or by The Gottman Relationship Institute
__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau
snowy is offline  
Old 08-04-2010, 05:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Where ever I land
I wanted to do the counseling, he called it for Misfits that don't know there way.
I went without him anyway. Learn some useful information, but its still a lonely road.

I will check out the books recommended by snowy. Never can stop learning.
Freetofly is offline  
Old 08-04-2010, 05:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
My future is coming on
 
lurkette's Avatar
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: east of the sun and west of the moon
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetofly View Post
I wanted to do the counseling, he called it for Misfits that don't know there way.


Much better to pretend you know what you're doing and watch your marriage disintegrate because YOU DON'T. If you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't be in this situation, right? It's no sign of weakness to admit you need help - it's a sign of maturity and commitment to improving yourself and your relationships.

This attitude towards counseling never ceases to amaze me. Really I think people are either deeply embarrassed to spill their secrets to a stranger, afraid of what they might discover/reveal about themselves, or for some reason deeply committed to their familiar misery. Astonishing.

To the OP - if you are not willing to do the work it takes to save your marriage, you will get no sympathy from me or very many other people.
__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France
lurkette is offline  
Old 08-04-2010, 05:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
Tilted
 
She got her CNA, is getting fit, focusing on her self and now...she doesn't need you anymore. Perhaps resentment has built up over time and she's fallen out of love with you. Falling out of love makes it much easier to leave and find out if the grass in greener on the other side. She sounds very selfish seeing that there are children in the mix and this divorce will really damage them.

Honestly, you say she's not seeing anyone else but I wouldn't be so quick to believe her, people can be very, very sneaky. Anyone that would throw away a marriage and do this to their children when they aren't getting beaten or cheated on must have some serious stuff going on, like an affair. I've seen it before. When a woman is having an affair nothing else matters except her and the new guy.
Eddie38 is offline  
Old 08-29-2010, 02:49 PM   #11 (permalink)
Upright
 
G~man's Avatar
 
Location: Here there and everywhere.
Quote:
Originally Posted by evilmatt View Post
People change with time and what doesn't seem like a big deal today can turn into a deal breaker down the road. Constant vigilance and communication is how a marriage works, nothing lasts forever and thinking your marriage can is foolish.
Yes people change with time, and you need to change and grow together. A marriage can last forever, but it takes work and commitment. (Not that mine have lasted). Others have suggested counseling, seems like a good idea to me...go fight for your marriage. Reminds me of a quote which seems appropriate:

Quote:
“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it….It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.”
- Erica Jong
__________________
☻/ G~man.........
/▌ "Life may not be the party we hoped for----
/ \ but while we're here, we might as well dance ! ! ! "
G~man is offline  
Old 08-29-2010, 05:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
 
Plan9's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetofly View Post
I wanted to do the counseling, he called it for Misfits that don't know there way.
Misfits? Proper noun? I love Misfits.
__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."
Plan9 is offline  
Old 09-27-2010, 07:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
Banned
 
i am sorry to hear that.
biggirls is offline  
 

Tags
divorce, love, relationships

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 02:49 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360