How to proceed with "girlfriend" - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Shauk · 07-06-2010, 03:14 PM

So been seeing this girl for a month, was told she was fresh out of a breakup, but she wanted to see me/be with me regardless. Now in parallel, her ex has become increasingly douchey despite their attempt to remain friends.

I don't think I measure up to this guy in terms of compatibility, they do seem to have a bit more in common compared to myself, but overall I can honestly say I feel like I'm a better guy.

Anyways I guess he never wanted the relationship to work out, but he played along at her expense, because he wasn't all that in to her and more interested in his school & music lifestyle than her, a second and important note, it was a long distance relationship which only resulted in 3 meetups.

Downplaying aside, she still felt like she was totally in love with the guy and he just shit in her cheerios.

Somehow they managed to agree on attempting to remain friends but he's doing a halfassed job of it, yet he still seems interested in emotionally dominating her from afar.

I don't understand what kind of difficulties this really presents to our relationship, if any.

I'm secure in the fact that she's really in to me, but I'm also understanding she's still recovering from the 2 1/2 years of pantomiming a relationship in the fanciful medium of the internet & phone realms.

The whole friendship faltering is effecting her emotionally, wrecking her on some days where she just wants to cry and mourn the loss of friendship. But it also doesn't stop her from trying to talk it out with him.

I've simply stated that I'm there for her, but I don't want to be her rebound counselor, and that I think her energies would be better spent elsewhere instead of on something that causes her so much grief.

The way I see it, if I were to get inside her hopelessly optimistic mindset, she wishes she could utter the magic words to make him see his folly, drop his entire lifestyle to the wind and move to be with her in some overly romantic gesture, the fact that I'm pretty sure if this were ever to be some sort of reality, I'd be quickly discarded.

one month isn't time to earn the loyalty of choice between a 2 1/2 year relationship.

So yes, this is baggage she needs to deal with, I haven't got a clue how it gets dealt with, I had my own, I cut it off, the friendship thing didnt work. She may come to realize that sooner than later in her own time.

So... Patience or Assistance?

Iliftrocks · 07-07-2010, 04:50 AM

You're just a third wheel until she works this out. She obviously would rather have the fantasy of the other guy, than the reality of you. This doesn't sound healthy to me. I think your term "rebound" is apt, but I would say "whipping boy" before "counselor".

I see it as a no-win situation for you. She'll either have unrealistic expectations that you will somehow save her from all of this, or just go ahead and start blaming you for all the things she can't hang onto the other guy.

Scott · 07-07-2010, 06:19 AM

I didn't see anywhere in there what you want. Do you really love this girl? We don't know your background with her, so it's hard to grasp why you'd stay in this situation if you've only known her for a very short period of time before starting to date for this month.

If you've known her for years and really think there may be a future with her, I'd just let her know how you feel, however that may be. When she reciprocates in telling you what she's dealing with, you be sure to let her know you understand she's having a hard time right now.

From a 3rd party perspective, the relationship she has with this other guy seems a little silly; but obviously it isn't to her, so if you have any interest in this girl (in my opinion) you need to support her while she works through her feelings.

Although, I'm not into the 'still friends' with ex's, but that's one you may want to tackle once she's had some time to emotionally stabilize herself again, assuming you two do end up staying together. During this process, she may stop talking to him for the most part anyway, but you'll have to play it by ear. No doubt the best way for her to get over the guy would be to cut off communication with him, but is that feasible for you to ask in your relationship right now? That's up to you.

All in all, "assistance" is not the way to go. A woman, generally, does not want a man's help. They want our support and understanding--they do not, no matter how many times we think they're asking for it, they do not want us to *fix* things for them. At least not social things. So if you want to be with this girl, convey to her how you *feel* (very important) and support her while she figures out her emotions.

Seaver · 07-07-2010, 07:17 AM

I've stayed friends with most of my ex's. I've been the ex who was viewed (at first at least) as a threat that'd try to derail the relationship. The truth was after a relationship, you share parts of yourself you don't share with your closest friends... and I like to hold on to connections like that.

With that being said, you REALLY need to assert yourself with this girl. Let her know it's ok to be friends with this guy, but you will no longer play second fiddle. Don't fool yourself, you may be "dating" her but all of her affections and emotions are currently tied in with him. Don't be surprised if this ends your relationship, but it'd be the only way for this to possibly end in you two having a successful emotional relationship.

End of story is that she won't make any emotional progress until you force a decision upon her. Right now she has the bad boy and the good boy at the same time, and as much as she says claims she wants to cry she's not willing to give it up.

Shauk · 07-07-2010, 10:34 PM

well, pretty sure whatever relationship I just had with this "girlfriend" ate shit tonight. Feel free to hit up my TFP journal and read about it, It'd be redundant of me to repost it here.

raging moderate · 07-11-2010, 12:28 AM

you need to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, and know when to RUN! (now's the time to RUN)

Shauk · 07-17-2010, 03:01 AM

The ex isn't so much the issue, as it's physically impossible for them to meet at this point since they're on opposite coasts. He just had these mental/emotional tendrils stuck to her that she had to break. Had him on her social networks, now she doesn't. She knows I'm flighty, I almost walked out and left her to sort it out because I was just so tired of being confused. So it seems like things are "on" again right now.

She's going through the severance process a bit more vigorously now. We'll see if it holds.

Iliftrocks · 07-21-2010, 07:18 AM

Good luck.

07-06-2010, 03:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
Shauk Confused Adult Location: Spokane, WA	How to proceed with "girlfriend" So been seeing this girl for a month, was told she was fresh out of a breakup, but she wanted to see me/be with me regardless. Now in parallel, her ex has become increasingly douchey despite their attempt to remain friends. I don't think I measure up to this guy in terms of compatibility, they do seem to have a bit more in common compared to myself, but overall I can honestly say I feel like I'm a better guy. Anyways I guess he never wanted the relationship to work out, but he played along at her expense, because he wasn't all that in to her and more interested in his school & music lifestyle than her, a second and important note, it was a long distance relationship which only resulted in 3 meetups. Downplaying aside, she still felt like she was totally in love with the guy and he just shit in her cheerios. Somehow they managed to agree on attempting to remain friends but he's doing a halfassed job of it, yet he still seems interested in emotionally dominating her from afar. I don't understand what kind of difficulties this really presents to our relationship, if any. I'm secure in the fact that she's really in to me, but I'm also understanding she's still recovering from the 2 1/2 years of pantomiming a relationship in the fanciful medium of the internet & phone realms. The whole friendship faltering is effecting her emotionally, wrecking her on some days where she just wants to cry and mourn the loss of friendship. But it also doesn't stop her from trying to talk it out with him. I've simply stated that I'm there for her, but I don't want to be her rebound counselor, and that I think her energies would be better spent elsewhere instead of on something that causes her so much grief. The way I see it, if I were to get inside her hopelessly optimistic mindset, she wishes she could utter the magic words to make him see his folly, drop his entire lifestyle to the wind and move to be with her in some overly romantic gesture, the fact that I'm pretty sure if this were ever to be some sort of reality, I'd be quickly discarded. one month isn't time to earn the loyalty of choice between a 2 1/2 year relationship. So yes, this is baggage she needs to deal with, I haven't got a clue how it gets dealt with, I had my own, I cut it off, the friendship thing didnt work. She may come to realize that sooner than later in her own time. So... Patience or Assistance?

07-07-2010, 04:50 AM	#2 (permalink)
Iliftrocks Junkie Location: Near Raleigh, NC	You're just a third wheel until she works this out. She obviously would rather have the fantasy of the other guy, than the reality of you. This doesn't sound healthy to me. I think your term "rebound" is apt, but I would say "whipping boy" before "counselor". I see it as a no-win situation for you. She'll either have unrealistic expectations that you will somehow save her from all of this, or just go ahead and start blaming you for all the things she can't hang onto the other guy. __________________ bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

07-07-2010, 07:17 AM	#4 (permalink)
Seaver Junkie Location: Fort Worth, TX	I've stayed friends with most of my ex's. I've been the ex who was viewed (at first at least) as a threat that'd try to derail the relationship. The truth was after a relationship, you share parts of yourself you don't share with your closest friends... and I like to hold on to connections like that. With that being said, you REALLY need to assert yourself with this girl. Let her know it's ok to be friends with this guy, but you will no longer play second fiddle. Don't fool yourself, you may be "dating" her but all of her affections and emotions are currently tied in with him. Don't be surprised if this ends your relationship, but it'd be the only way for this to possibly end in you two having a successful emotional relationship. End of story is that she won't make any emotional progress until you force a decision upon her. Right now she has the bad boy and the good boy at the same time, and as much as she says claims she wants to cry she's not willing to give it up. __________________ "Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

07-11-2010, 12:28 AM	#6 (permalink)
raging moderate Insane Location: Whatever house my keys can get me into	you need to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, and know when to RUN! (now's the time to RUN) __________________ These are the good old days... formerly Murp0434

07-21-2010, 07:18 AM	#8 (permalink)
Iliftrocks Junkie Location: Near Raleigh, NC	Good luck. __________________ bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

07-07-2010, 06:19 AM	#3 (permalink)
Scott Tilted	I didn't see anywhere in there what you want. Do you really love this girl? We don't know your background with her, so it's hard to grasp why you'd stay in this situation if you've only known her for a very short period of time before starting to date for this month. If you've known her for years and really think there may be a future with her, I'd just let her know how you feel, however that may be. When she reciprocates in telling you what she's dealing with, you be sure to let her know you understand she's having a hard time right now. From a 3rd party perspective, the relationship she has with this other guy seems a little silly; but obviously it isn't to her, so if you have any interest in this girl (in my opinion) you need to support her while she works through her feelings. Although, I'm not into the 'still friends' with ex's, but that's one you may want to tackle once she's had some time to emotionally stabilize herself again, assuming you two do end up staying together. During this process, she may stop talking to him for the most part anyway, but you'll have to play it by ear. No doubt the best way for her to get over the guy would be to cut off communication with him, but is that feasible for you to ask in your relationship right now? That's up to you. All in all, "assistance" is not the way to go. A woman, generally, does not want a man's help. They want our support and understanding--they do not, no matter how many times we think they're asking for it, they do not want us to fix things for them. At least not social things. So if you want to be with this girl, convey to her how you feel (very important) and support her while she figures out her emotions.

07-07-2010, 10:34 PM	#5 (permalink)
Shauk Confused Adult Location: Spokane, WA	well, pretty sure whatever relationship I just had with this "girlfriend" ate shit tonight. Feel free to hit up my TFP journal and read about it, It'd be redundant of me to repost it here.

07-17-2010, 03:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
Shauk Confused Adult Location: Spokane, WA	The ex isn't so much the issue, as it's physically impossible for them to meet at this point since they're on opposite coasts. He just had these mental/emotional tendrils stuck to her that she had to break. Had him on her social networks, now she doesn't. She knows I'm flighty, I almost walked out and left her to sort it out because I was just so tired of being confused. So it seems like things are "on" again right now. She's going through the severance process a bit more vigorously now. We'll see if it holds.