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Old 06-08-2010, 07:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Jealous of older sister

This has been plaguing me my entire life. I'm going on 31, and I still have yet to get over my jealousy of my sister. Growing up, she was a bit smarter, a lot more athletic, and all the way around more confident. It's like she came out the womb with this unwavering confidence that I've had to work at getting my entire adult life, and even yet I'm still not all the way there some days. And also, men that I've had crushes on chose to date her, and some men that I dated, mostly in high school, ended up having crushes on her. We look similar, although I'm lankier and taller than she and also have lighter eyes and hair. I know I'm a smart, beautiful, independent woman, but the jealousy always seems to happen the most when I'm dating someone new and they've met her. We act, sound and are very similar in some behaviors as we were raised by the same parents. And because we're so close in age, a little under 2 years apart, it just adds all the more.

She's married now and has a little baby boy which I'm very happy for her and am not jealous of the baby, the marriage maybe slightly because I want someone to have to share my life with. But I feel sometimes ashamed of my jealousy and that it's misplaced and shouldn't be there at all. Have any of you ever experienced something similar? And any advice is very much welcomed.
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Old 06-08-2010, 09:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I got an older brother (3 years) and a twin sister.

I've always been competing with my brother my whole life, I believe it actually drove me to be better than I otherwise would have been. My sister and I never really had a competition, we really just did our own things separately.

Lately though I've been really bad with jealousy. My brother pulls down +$80k, and my sister is +$60k... and I've been unemployed for 7 months now. It gets worse as I was originally making more money than either one, but with bad luck and the turn of the economy I'm now hoping to get a job working a cash register.

My brother hasn't met anyone I've dated in almost 11 years now (never got that serious), so relationship jealousy has never arose. However... 7 months with no job has obliterated any of my self esteem and really flared up worries of being viewed as the failure in the family.
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Old 06-08-2010, 10:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I suffered from this earlier in my life and still do to a certain extent.

My sister is four years ahead of me age-wise and we don't have a single thing in common at all. Completely different personalities, different tastes in music, different interests, and hell, we don't even look anything alike. To add insult to injury, we absolutely hated each other growing up because she picked on me all the damn time. We get along somewhat better now, but we're not close really and she still occasionally tries to get into a pissing match with me over something trivial every now and then.

What made me jealous of her in certain aspects was that growing up, she was the talkative and outgoing type (we have no idea where this came from since neither of my parents are like this at all) with tons of friends, always having someone staying overnight, and hanging out with people all the time. I, on the other hand, was geeky, introverted, socially awkward, bullied alot, and had very few friends as a result. Since we didn't get along at all, I really resented her for doing so well socially, while I was mercilessly bullied and had only a few friends at the most. Also, she was involved in many extracurricular activities while I only participated in high school football, which I wasn't good at and only stuck with because my dad wouldn't let me quit, but that's beside the point. Sometimes, my parents would bitch at me for not getting involved with sports, clubs, etc. that I had no interest in. This detail also made me feel like I was living in my sister's shadow.

Careerwise, she graduated from college in 2005 and currently works as an elementary school teacher for a tiny school district pulling in about $30k a year and owning her own house while I graduated in 2008 and am currently struggling to find a job in the criminal justice system while slaving away at Wal Mart for about 40 cents above minimum wage and living at home with my parents in the meantime. Granted, her salary isn't fantastic, but it's in her career field and it's a hell of a lot better than what I make at Wal-Mart, who treat their lower level employees like crap and give them a paycheck and work schedule to match (but that's for a different thread). Sometimes, my sister and my parents crack a smartass comment about this, which doesn't help things, considering I'm working my ass off trying to get a full time job and leave this town for good.

Honestly, I don't have any advice for you, but what I can say is that you most certainly are not alone in the jealousy department.
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Last edited by Bodyhammer86; 06-08-2010 at 10:42 PM..
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Old 06-08-2010, 10:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Well, honestly, you sound like the better catch. Where do you live, again? And how do you feel about singing zombies?

...

I figure now that you're 31 and she's got a kid, guys aren't going to jump from you to her. That's water way under the bridge, lady.

...

And is this really jealousy or just admiration? You seem to have a healthy enough attitude towards correcting whatever problems you might have.

...

The solution to your problem is very Tony Robbins in nature... positive attitude and realistic goals. You can have what she has through that path.
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Last edited by Plan9; 06-08-2010 at 11:07 PM..
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Old 06-08-2010, 11:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I wouldn't be surprised if it goes both ways. My younger brother has always been a lot more fit, better with people, more outgoing and way more adventurous than me (I mean, he comes to family reunions with mountain-climbing stories. How can I compete with that?). I've always had a low-simmering, secret jealousy over those things.

But every now and then I was reminded he had/probably has his own issues. I'm headed on a much more secure career path (which includes advanced degrees), I'm more level-headed and far better with money, and I've always been much more book-smart than he is.

When I was in seventh grade my brother won an essay contest that gave him a free trip to England. I was sooooo jealous until my mother pointed out to me that this was the first time in his life that he surpassed me academically in any way. Before then, I had never even thought that he might envy me at all about anything. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd be shocked if your sister doesn't secretly harbor some envy towards yourself as well.
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Old 06-09-2010, 04:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Wow, Plan9 managed to post without asking for pictures. Will wonders never cease?

It sounds like you're describing the relationship that I have with my brother, only in reverse. I was the successful one in academics, athletics (although he probably would have surpassed me if he hadn't injured his knee) and relationships. However, you have a mild case of jealousy; his was raging.

It took us about 15 years after he graduated from high school to be able to coexist. There was a time where I just stopped going to my parents' for holidays. And at the end of the day, he just grew out of it and realized that using my life for a metric for success or failure wasn't a good idea.
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Old 06-09-2010, 06:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I've been on both ends of this equation. I'm the oldest in my family and my sister is 2 years younger. Even though she's incredibly bright, she had to follow me in school and every teacher she had compared her to me. Even though she did every bit as well as me, I had already set the bar. I'm the oldest grandkid, my aunties all love me and think I'm the golden child who can do no wrong, everyone drops everything when I come to visit...It's hard on her, and I feel bad sometimes. But I can't stop being who I am and I can't help that I was born earlier.

On the other hand, my best friend in high school was a year ahead of me, extremely pretty, and all the boys I liked had crushes on her. She got cast as the lead ahead of me in the school musical because she was pretty, even though she couldn't sing on key. Her family had more money. She has bigger boobs and shiny blond hair. Yadda yadda yadda. I was extremely jealous, to the point of actually not talking to her for a few weeks after she got the lead in the play. (Petty, I know.)

We are still close friends. She's still very pretty, she has a higher-paying job (even though I'm smarter, went to a better school, have more degrees, etc.), a perfect Martha Stewart house, a lawyer husband, and 2 blonde daughters. So it's hard NOT to compare sometimes.

On the other hand, she's lost 2 brothers and her father, her mother is a difficult woman to deal with, etc. Her life is far from perfect. At some point I realized that she compares her life to mine, too, and that we're completely different people with different strengths, weaknesses, talents, and priorities. Sometimes those strong adolescent patterns of thought stick around out of habit, and it takes a moment of clarity to make them disappear. I still have pangs of envy sometimes when I hear about her new car or her new job, but bottom line is I love her for who she is, and I like my life. And where I see things that she has that I want, I look at whether I really want them, or whether I think I SHOULD want them because she has them. If it's something I really do want (to fit better in my clothes, to have a better job), I think "why don't I have those things" and set goals and go after them instead of using the lack of them as an excuse to tarnish what is one of my oldest friendships.
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Old 06-09-2010, 08:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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*dons his Jazz hat*

Is this the pity party thread or are we addressing the OP?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Jazz View Post
Wow, Plan9 managed to post without asking for pictures.
When was the last time I asked for pictures of anything? Find it. I Double Rosie O'Donnell dare you.
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Old 06-09-2010, 09:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
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*dons his Jazz hat*
Is this the pity party thread or are we addressing the OP?
Quote:
Originally Posted by crystalan View Post
Have any of you ever experienced something similar? And any advice is very much welcomed.
Yes.
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Old 06-09-2010, 10:16 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Yeah, I can read. Just checking. We're long on the "I hate my life" and short on the "this is how I fixed it."
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Old 06-09-2010, 11:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Well, my point was I don't hate my life.

It was by realizing how much my life didn't suck that I overcame my jealousy. I may not have had the exact things or being I coveted, but I had other things I was really proud of.

And to the extent that I couldn't overcome a particular bout of envy, it pointed me in the direction of something I wanted to change about my life.

To spell it out, look at how much of the jealousy is just knee-jerk habit, and how much is actually deep-seated desire for something you don't have. If it's something you actually want, figure out how to get it instead of blaming someone else for having it. If you think she's prettier, work on your self-esteem. If you think she's more confident, do things to improve your confidence. Jealousy is normal, but unless you use it to point to actions you can take to have the life you want, you're just being a victim.
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Old 06-10-2010, 01:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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If you told her you were jealous of her, what do you think she would say? I'll bet her answer would surprise you and allow you to heal.

In short, this is your bag. In the words of my super-strong MIL: Build a bridge and get over it.

BTW, Lurkette (and I'm a happily married man, so no pretense here) - I find it difficult to believe your friend is prettier than you! She might be different, but not prettier. I'm just sayin'.
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Old 06-10-2010, 01:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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BTW, Lurkette (and I'm a happily married man, so no pretense here) - I find it difficult to believe your friend is prettier than you! She might be different, but not prettier. I'm just sayin'.
You're extremely sweet Let's just say she's more conventionally attractive.
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Old 06-10-2010, 01:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lurkette View Post
You're extremely sweet Let's just say she's more conventionally attractive.
You mean like how I get turned on when I see stainless steel appliances?
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
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You mean like how I get turned on when I see stainless steel appliances?
You are never coming over to visit. I don't want you poking holes in my dishwasher.
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Old 06-10-2010, 03:43 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
You are never coming over to visit. I don't want you poking holes in my dishwasher.

Read more: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...#ixzz0qUrcJqaU
Nothing says friendship like letting someone have his way with your toaster.
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Old 06-10-2010, 05:55 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I'm happy with my life... I've been reasonably successful, have a great family, and am financially secure.

But I had the same situation. I was always reasonably smart, but sports were much more of a challenge... so I worked very hard at them, and became reasonably proficient. Unfortunately (?), my older brother was smarter than I was, and a much better athlete. It took me quite a few years to come to accept that I wasn't him, and that I was ok in my own right. But I did.
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Old 06-15-2010, 07:09 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Wow but not that surprising that a lot of you felt jealousy as well towards siblings especially. I like the fact that I'm not alone in how I feel about my older sister, so thanks for that and that's awesome all of you were able to overcome it, and/or they were.

I actually did talk to her over the weekend and she was very supportive. And I am feeling so much better just because of that. Great advice Cimarron.

And thanks Plan9, lol that definitely helps!

All you guys rock! Thanks for the comments and advice.
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