katyg

Hi all

So I've been reading a lot in the area of psychology lately, specifically the myers/briggs personality types.

I have been in two serious relationships, the first he was in many ways my best friend, but the sexual part of the relationship floundered, the second I felt overwhelmingly attracted to, but we were so different on many levels (he found emotional intimacy very hard, was very independent to the point where I always felt left out to an extent) it didn't work out.

I am in myers/briggs an enfj, my opposing side is an istp (my 2nd partner), I believe in love deeply but I wonder if there's a certain science to it - or maybe a trade-off i.e. the better you get along often, the less passionate it is.

Has anyone here done the test or have any experience of what I'm talking about here?
I'd be interested to know how much people here believe in personality typing and how useful it is in this area?

__________________
"We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give"
Winston Churchill

Baraka_Guru

A couple of things:

1) Take the Myers-Briggs with a grain of salt. It is a guideline, not a hard and fast rule.

2) Your complete opposite on the scale may be ISTP, but your "natural partner" would be INFP or ISFP. This is because they're complementary, not simply opposite.

But again, take this with a grain of salt. What makes or breaks a relationship is what each partner is willing or unwilling to put into it.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

little_tippler

usually I am either INFJ or INTJ as far as I recall. It seems to fit. But then so do a lot of things. Types are never that precise so it's easy for them to fit most of the time.

As for opposites attract, that's another cliché, that of course, also fits sometimes. So it's always partly true.

In my own experience, I have been the most attracted to people who think similarly to me. The better I am able to share my thoughts with someone the more connected to them I become. I haven't really had any relationship with someone who had the exact same tastes as me, but generally they all had some things in common with what I liked or was interested in.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

katyg

Baraka Guru and Little Tippler I can always count on you two for insight.

The reason why these things are in the forefront of my mind is this; I am not terribly attractive, I am kind of short and boyish, socially I tend to get more attention for my personality and charm (haha) than my cleavage - I'm not saying this is bad thing. But this, coupled with the fact that I feel I am little shy, hard to get to know at first, and also intense and romantic - well, I just don't meet many people that I find are similar in these areas.

I have been going out socialising a lot, I make great friends with guys, but as I start to look around for potential partners - I don't see much I fancy or would consider dating. I wonder if there is some truth to Myers/Briggs because I'm supposed to be rarer personality type. Mmmmnn...

Maybe I should re-phrase my question; how did you guys meet your current partner and build a connection?

__________________
"We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give"
Winston Churchill

snowy

The Myers-Briggs is not particularly useful in romantic situations, unfortunately.

As to your later question, I met my SO when I least expected it, and that is the thing I really try to impress upon people: the universe will plop your partner in your lap when you are damn good and ready, comfortable with yourself and your skin, so practice patience but have fun in the meantime. I met my SO in a bar. I wasn't looking for an attachment, but there he was, and he was too good to pass up. We're getting married this summer 2 days after our 5 year anniversary. We built a connection by spending time with each other. I was lucky to have met my match in intensity--I didn't scare him away with my obvious interest and he was relieved that he didn't have to do all the pursuing, although he still ribs me because I wouldn't give him my phone number (I gave him my AIM handle instead).

It really comes down to patience. I think if you get too hung up on finding a relationship and trying to seek one out, you'll just give off an air of desperation and scare off potential partners. Intensity is one thing, desperation another. Instead of casting about for a relationship, just have fun. Don't go out with the aim of meeting guys--go out with the aim of having a good time. Before long, they'll be coming to you.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

StanT

First off ... I wouldn't take relationship advice from myself. This is always "learn as you go".

I thing differences give you something to talk about and similarities give you something to do together. You just need to find a balance you can live with.

I think "looking for a partner" is the surest way to fail. Being actively social and just going with the flow worked better for me.

I met my wife in a judo class when we were 9. We were beating the crap out of each other before we started dating. We went our own ways and never really started dating until our 20s.

I'm an active, rural, outdoors kind of guy and look for the same in a woman. Choice of activities and most every thing else was negotiable.

Toaster126

I completely disagree. Assuming the results are accurate enough (i.e. they didn't lie), it's a great starting point for exploring what they like and think is important in their relationships, especially romantic ones. Especially since it's something that is graded based on what they choose to answer.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

lurkette

I concur with all the "grain of salt" folks.

I'm an IXXJ (I swap back and forth at will on the middle two) but most often I'm an INFJ.
Ratbastid is an ESTP. POLAR opposite on every aspect.
We have been together for almost 19 years and married for almost 15.

I think compatibility has little to do with your "type" and more to do with the expression of that type and your awareness of how your "type" drives you toward adaptive or maladaptive behaviors and patterns.

It's also important to have room for the other person to be who they are and recognize the other person's strengths. One reason we work so well together is that we truly complement each other. I recognize that my compulsion to make lists and spreadsheets and plans can be overwhelming and annoying, so there are times when I just have to listen to ratbastids "que sera sera" attitude and let things ride. There are times when he recognizes that crunching data and putting things in order calms my anxiety and lets me run with it. I (try to) keep us from losing important details, and ratbastid tries to keep our life from being rigid and no fun.

The type is not a recipe or a guideline or a justification, it's a descriptor, a microscope for examining your own motivations and tendencies.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Giant Hamburger

Mrs. GH is nothing like me we have been successfully married for thousands of years.

Cernunnos

I am on the thin border between INTP and INTJ, leaning slightly towards the former. My last relationship was with an ISFJ. Our type relationship is characterized as supplementary, adding to one another's strengths while experiencing minimal conflicts. Bullshit. We held one another back and experienced numerous conflicts throughout our tumultuous relationship. I cared for her deeply, but the growing chasm between us, in physical proximity and life goals, widened to an impossible distance. Even so, we speak on occasion, and I would consider her to be a wonderful person.

I had a similarly tumultuous affair with a woman I would classify as an ESTP. Our mutual attraction exploded, and then we separately imploded. Our type relationship is the 'counterpart', which can be metaphorically described as speaking two different languages, and somehow, perfectly understanding one another. I adored her intellect, respected her selfishness, and couldn't get enough of the raw sensuality between us. Unfortunately, she was manipulative and sadistic. Perversely, I was intrigued until the consequences caught up with me.

A third woman, matching my personality type of INTP, was briefly a romantic interest. We flirted off and on, but due to a variety of reasons, that tapered into a sturdy friendship. We have countless similarities in behavior, but she can also seem quite alien in her reasoning, at times. I would attribute that to a cultural difference, as she was raised within a traditional Chinese family.

What is the conclusion? Personality types are untrustworthy when attempting to determine the nature of a relationship. They are thoroughly unscientific and should not be relied upon for accurate evaluations of personality, which is a concept far too complex for tidy classification into a mere 16 variations on humanity.