KellyC

So I'm in my mid 20s now and recently I just realize that I'm no longer a kid. I don't mean an actual kid, but in a way that typical college students act: party hard and having fun all the time, stay up late, etc... My birthday is in a few months and I'll be graduating in December. These two events are mile stones to me. They mark the transition from being juvenile to full adulthood to me (late bloomer, yes). I think it's time to act more adult-like. I'm aware of all the adult responsibilities and such so I'm not concerned with that at the moment.

But one aspect about being "adult" is to act classy. To be dignified, courteous, well mannered....you know...classy. So what are some good tips on how to act classy? I read that written thank you notes is a good start. What else?

Edit: part of the reason why I want to know about this is I want to leave a good impression on people. Not just strangers but friends and family as well...and make them feel more comfortable around me (not that they aren't.)

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Shauk

I guess I don't understand the question. Are you supposed to "act" when you get older or can you just be yourself? I think if you're a genuine and nice person, it could come across as "classy" but if you seem like you're trying too hard, it might just seem like you're a bit stuck up/high maintenance for a friend.

But I'll just stick with my original assessment that I'm not really sure if I understand your thought process on this.

KellyC

There seems to be certain social etiquette that would be considered classy by many people. The example of writing a thank you note is one that I can think of. Pulling out chairs, holding doors, etc... are obvious ones as well.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Hektore

If you go to the local library/bookshop, they should have a whole shelf of books on etiquette and speaking. I would start there. If you have a really strong desire to learn etiquette, you could attend a finishing school. While they traditionally cater to young girls and teens, there are some for men & older folks if you hunt around.

Other than that I would say, treat people the way you want to be treated.

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The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

Baraka_Guru

Modern Manners Guy :: Quick and Dirty Tips

Subscribe to the podcast, download every episode, listen to them, listen to them again so it sinks in.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Craven Morehead

Don't act. BE classy in everything you do. The Golden Rule is a good start. Be responsible, reliable and trustworthy also. There isn't any one thing that will make you classy, its everything. But slipping up on any one thing can keep you from being classy. It takes a lifetime to build a reputation but only minute to destroy it. I think that applies to being classy, as well.

That fact that you are questioning this and have set this as a goal tells me you are on your way. Good luck.

Taralynn

Excellent!! I couldn't agree more! I'm 25 and will probably not be a classy person but I will remain comfortable in my own skin and just do the best I can. Learning from my own faux pas as I move through life might even give me some form of grace.

Cimarron29414

Start by taking your finger out of your nose. Right now! Yeah, I caught you!

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Shadowex3

Ever have that feeling that a particular forum topic or problem was made JUST for you? one of those "my entire life has been leading to THIS MOMENT" feelings? Ok maybe that's a bit (coughsignificantcough) of an overstatement...

If you want a short fortune cookie solution: Be quiet, be courteous, and keep being quiet.

It sounds cheesy but being the guy with decent manners and the quiet smile seems to just break people's heads and they stick you in the highest category, or somewhere near it.

If you're willing to actually work on this and cultivate yourself to be able to function in higher society (good for you, it's rare to have that drive) then there's a whole lot more to it than using that trick to fake it at the few polite events you'll be attending involuntarily.

When you're in Classy mode everything you do has to be geared towards the goal of projecting that aura. You walk straight, you have a firm but not painful handshake, you speak in ways that put people at ease and impress them, and you show courtesy to everyone you interact with. Your dress, your stance, and your choice of personal hygiene will ALL affect how well that image is pulled off. You're generally aiming for somewhere inbetween Brosnan's James Bond and Cary Grant's... Cary Grant.

I'd start simple with the three basic steps to everything else:

1. Start practicing Courtesy. "Please" "Sorry" "Thank You" and "Have a nice <time>" along with getting the door, letting ladies pass first, and holding chairs should be practically muscle memory.

2. Ditch everything that leaves strong scent. Deodorants, soaps, everything. Subtle is better, and unscented/undyed soaps and deodorants tend to rely on actually working and keeping you clean rather than covering up smells. It's better for your skin anyway. Later on you might try a subtle scent and see if it works with what you've got naturally but for now pretend you've got allergies.

3. Start a Wardrobe that fits your shape, and start Reading even the gimmicky stuff. You'll need to seperate the wheat from the chaff a bit but there's worthwhile gems in there. Make some new Friends with similar goals, everything is easier when you can draw on the knowledge of others.

A note on the wardrobe and hygiene: This isn't terribly expensive. My soap is the cheapest at costco, my deodorant is cheaper than Axe/Tag, and my clothes are on sale from Target. Once you develop a good eye (or find a trustworthy shopping buddy that has one) you can really get good clothing cheap, and a waistcoat with a tie and dress pants is a lot cheaper than a full suit for basically the same professional image nowadays.

Get used to people calling you Sir, if you pull this off it's going to happen a lot more often.

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Moyaboy

I'm with you on this one Baraka!

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"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
- Steven Weinberg

KellyC

B_G and Shadowex3's advice/tip is what I'm looking for. Yeah, I'm supposed to be myself, but I'm trying to less blunt and more tactful in certain social situation. Though I wouldn't go as far as being anal about using the salad fork for steak, for example.

Dammit, how'd you know??

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

snowy

I tend to go by this quote: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

Helps a lot.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

The_Jazz

At the risk of confirming that I'm as big a dick as people think, didn't your mother teach you any manners? Seriously.

When I first read this, I thought you were going to ask questions about martinis and the opera and how to tie a bowtie.

What you're really asking is how to behave in polite company. Brother, if you don't have an idea of how to do that now, you're most likely a lost cause. I don't recall your life's story off the top of my head, but I don't recall any parental abandonment issues in your past. Forgive me if I've forgotten them.

The fact that you're (in my mind at least) thought of as a pretty good guy with friends and the ability to communicate leads me to believe that you already know what to do and how to act. Want to act classy? Don't do stupid shit and don't offend anyone. Think before you speak. Do things that require thought and intelligence. Read some old books. Learn why "O Brother Where Art Thou?" is hilarious in comparison to "The Odessy".

And have some fucking self-confidence. Surely your parents taught you that too.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Baraka_Guru

Damn it, we need Eden to weigh in on here.

He's the classiest guy I know.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

KellyC

Yeah, I was raised in a Vietnamese household so some time what is considered polite in Vietnamese culture isn't so in Western culture. Example, when adults came over to visit my parents. My mom told us to go else where and leave them alone. I never associated with adults around my parents' age so I still have trouble talking to "uncles and aunts." They talk to me and I don't know how to reply to them other than polite short replies that quickly end the conversation.

But this isn't about that. Yes, I do have basic manners. Yes, I try my best to be polite and not offend any one. But there are other thoughtful things that people do that go beyond those things. Things that make people go, "wow, that's really nice of him." And stuff like that. Or maybe I'm trying too hard.

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Shadowex3

Maybe, but it's not that hard anyway. Even I'm making good progress so unless you're outright autistic you should probably be able to outdo me.

I mentioned Cary Grant... start watching old movies where he plays a gentleman and reading those "7 tips to improve your manners" style lists like they're crack for your eyes. That and those websites I gave you will give you a good basis to start with. A lot of acting classy is just that, acting. It's about projecting the right image.

Now eventually if you want to do anything more than bluff your way through cousin's weddings and the occasional entry level job interview you'll have to start BEING that image, but that comes later and is mostly just a matter of knowing the right things and handling situations in the right way. It's getting to that level in the first place that's a whole lot more work.

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GreyWolf

The fact that you are concerned about your impression suggests you have a very good start. All of the above suggestions will give you concrete things to do and avoid in order to create that good impression.

On a more general note, I'd say that classy people without fail manage to make those around them comfortable, regardless of the situation.

Crushing your crackers/soda biscuits into your soup was SO absolutely déclassé... when Franklin Roosevelt did so at a state dinner with the Queen of England, there was a ripple of disbelief at the crassness of that action. Without missing a beat, the Queen proceeded to crush her crackers and put them in her soup. Since then, it has been socially acceptable.

Probably a myth, but indicative of how a classy person will act to make others comfortable, even if it is going against a social norm. Other examples abound, but really, if you are willing to overlook others' social missteps and admit graciously to and apologise for your own, I think you will make a very good impression on most people. Unfortunately, you can never please anyone, and trying to do so will drive you crazy.

As for me, I may not be classy, but I've always maintained I will have to be A WHOLE LOT BETTER myself before I'm good enough to criticise YOU. Seems to work fairly well.

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The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

The_Jazz

These are two mutually different things - doing good things and acting classy. Often they go hand in hand, but even a hillybilly nimrod is capable of doing good and decent things. But the same guy couldn't act classy to save his life.

It sounds like you just want to be a decent human being, which I'm all for. That's just being polite, not offending anyone and making you help those in need whenever possible. There's not much more to it, regardless of culture. It's pretty simple, to be honest: always hold the door for others. Smilingly allow folks to cut in line ahead of you when you're all headed through the same door. Don't curse. Smile and wave at babies and little kids. If someone drops something, pick it up for them. Watch those Liberty Mutual commercials for other examples.

Now, if you're looking to adopt some Western "class", then I think you need to define the term better. Who exibits the traits you're after? What are those traits? Honestly, I think that once you answer those two questions, all you have to do adopt those and look for the next batch (because we're never complete). Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby (the public Bing, not the private one) set the standard back in the day, but you probably want to find someone more modern.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Grancey

Do not be self-absorbed. This is a biggie. Think about it.
Never believe that people are always looking at you, watching you and noticing you. They are not.
Listen.
Discover empathy.
Be aware of what is going on around you at all times.
Listen, and hear.
Be receptive when others reach out to you.
Reach out to others, but use tact. You don't want to come across as creepy.
Formal thank you notes are fine, but don't overdo it. A simple thank-you text or email is fine and sometimes better.
Listen with your ears and with your eyes.
When speaking to people, look them in the eyes. Try very hard not to let your eyes stray.
Did I say listen?

I don't have friends who are not classy, so I will think about them and their traits and get back to you again.

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Quiet, mild-mannered souls might just turn out to be roaring lions of two-fisted cool.

dlish

dress well, speak well and with confidence, make sure you're always on time and never ever lie. get these basic principles right, and you're on your way.


Tiger Woods was all of things i mentioned... need to find another example now

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Jinn

Fuck manners.

Don't get me wrong, I can play the gentleman with the suit and the classic watch and the firm handshakes and the conversational niceties. And I can play it to a T.

But if there's one thing I learned from my dad it's that the pony-tail sporting hillbilly with a message tee and a beer belly can be just as respectful and honest (in some cases, moreso) than the most well-mannered polite intellectual who donates to charity and does all of the societally acceptable behaviors, with the golf course and the soccer practices too.

I put on the mask and the outfit when it fits me, when I know people will be measuring it or when it might affect my career or personal life.

But any step beyond that is a dramatic departure from the understanding that we're just clothed apes. Forgetting this is the route to 'holier-than-thou' putrescence.

Common decency, respect, listen to what the other person is saying, look them in the eyes.

I will act like the ape that I am, all other times.

Just another perspective on the pile.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Wes Mantooth

To be perfectly honest I'd rather deal with the hillbilly any day of the week and twice on Sunday at least (in most cases) what you see is what you get. I don't have a problem with somebody who is legitimately a well mannered polite intellectual whatever...but god damn when its forced and you can see right through it, it might be the worst first impression anybody could make on me.

Just be yourself, be polite, honest, a man of your word, always follow through on your commitments but above all NEVER try to be something your not.

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Zeraph

Tips 1-100. Don't act classy, be classy.

Anxst

The "Don't act classy, be classy" school of thought is entirely true.

When I was hitting the point you're in, I stopped and thought about what I liked to see done in public for manners, and what i disliked. I picked one thing I liked a week and started adding it to my behaviors.

As a result, I'm a little odd. I'd been brought up to stand when women enter the room and offer to pull out there chairs, which stuck with me. I added bowing to people (I have a number of bows, from actual respectful bows to extravagant almost mocking things that can be fun to pull out.) Some people find it silly or annoying, but I like it. I like Victorian mannerisms, and enjoy bringing them out in public. It's like a lost art. I even carry calling cards, and have a salver next to the quaich on the back of my door, ready for any arriving guest. I often thank people for things they didn't even consciously think about doing for me. When you put some sincerity behind it (and people can tell if you're being sincere, or just throwing it out as habit) it often surprises people.

I think the biggest step to being classy is to be gracious. Stop and think about what people are doing for you, and genuinely be thankful for it. Think about what you might do for people around you, and do it before they ask. Go for those, and everything else will fall into place.

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Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

MSD

Start with this book


Also, when at a bar, order a Manhattan. Neat, not on the rocks if they ask. To use a decidedly uncultured colloquialism (you will not be using these as a proper adult,) doing so will earn you mad respect.

Anxst

I sincerely hope you don't take offense, but I have to disagree with the comment regarding the Manhattan. You are not what you drink, and the only people who will respect someone based entirely on what drink they order are silly people. Go into a bar, be patient but confident when seeking the bartender's attention. Be specific with what you want to drink, and order whatever you like to drink.

That's classy.

__________________
Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

Tully Mars

I think you way over estimate what a large % of parents pass on to their children anymore. Personally I think that started when both parents were required to work to support a household. I worked with lots of people, in their 20's, who had no idea how to balance a check book, tie a regular tie or simply behave in public.

And no all parents do not teach self confidence. Many parents spend a bunch of time telling their kids what stupid worthless people they are.

Our jails and prisons are full of these people.

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I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

MSD

As a man who isn't afraid to order a pina colada or long island iced tea, I must say that the Manhattan beats the martini for classiest drink, but I certainly won't judge someone on what they drink.

Baraka_Guru

As a man who loves Martinis, I must say Manhattans ftw.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

KellyC

Off topic, but this post reminds me that Asian parents in particular don't praise their kids. It's a cultural thing to be humble but I think the concept is lost on a lot of them.

Anyhoo, I'm of the mindset that there's always room for improvement. As I state before I do have some basic manners but those are limited to my friends. With strangers, they last about five minutes. Problem with me is that there's very little filter between my brain and mouth. As a result I tend to say stupid things that offend people without even knowing about it. It's not until later on that I finally realize what I said, or someone told me what I did wrong. I've only become aware of this in recent months and I realize I'm not a kid any more so I gotta stop acting that way....oh wait...sorry...BEING that way.

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Charlatan

Personally, I've never liked the term classy. It just seems that people are aspiring to act like a class to which they don't belong (i.e. the upper class). I've never been a fan.

Rather, I thing other have hit on what you are truly after, manners. Be polite. Be courteous. But be yourself. There is nothing worse than seeing someone trying very hard to be something (someone?) they are not.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Sue

Instead of asking us how to be classy, or what IS being classy, why don't you just be the way you interpret classy to be instead of some textbook representation?

Now classy is starting to look like it's spelled wrong and sound like it's not a word the more I'm using it. Hmph.

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

The_Jazz

Try this: listen, don't wait for your turn to talk.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

snowy

Bingo.

My mother actually commented during a visit a few months ago that I had grown really quiet in recent years. I said it was because I try to spend more time listening to others and less time talking. Furthermore, I honestly feel like I'm less likely to embarrass myself if I keep my mouth shut.

KellyC, this is a really quick way to take care of your problem. Just shut the hell up and respond only when necessary. Do this for a while and before too long you'll be thinking before you speak and listening more effectively as well.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

lunxpress

CLASS 101
The classiest acts are those where you step up where others do not.
Class comes from knowing where to stop. Class comes from expressing gratitude. Class comes from allowing your own needs to take a backseat, when the needs of others become more important. Experience and awareness will help you to understand the difference. Class is trying to strengthen the weakest link in a chain.

Class comes from remembering that we are all here to create and share experiences and from remaining sensitive to the effects of our actions on others.

KellyC

I feel like I'm making good progress in this area. I had a FB chat with my ex's sister last night. Now she and I got off on the wrong foot when we first met. We didn't get along until some time after the ex and I broke up. Anyway we were chatting and she complimented that I was "much better than Joey," a long time friend of hers and an acquaintance of mine. This caught me by surprise because Joey is a pretty decent guy and she and I barely talk or hang out.

Per the listening part. I totally agree with that. But it's so damn hard to do. Even when I shut up and let the other person talk, I still don't catch every thing they say or know the proper reply to what they're saying. Any tips on this?

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Baraka_Guru

Ask followup or clarification questions. Keep them talking. Don't be afraid to ask about something you aren't sure of or don't know about. Humility is classy. Though I'm kinda with Charlatan; I'm not sure I really like the word.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Charlatan

I agree with the point about listening. Learning the art of conversation is very important.

I have found that if you continue to ask questions about people and let them do the talking they will leave a conversation thinking you are the most brilliant conversationalist ever.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke