The_Dunedan

OK folks, this is partly a rant and partly a request for advice.

First, a little background.

My family manufactures drama the way Catholics and Jews manufacture guilt. The central locus of this drama is my younger sister. This is the most selfish, immature, sensitive, easily-provoked, attention-whoring, self-obsessed, self-destructive, passive-aggressive, manipulative and dishonest person I've ever encountered. This includes lawyers, politicians, and used-car salesmen with bad comb-overs. Every single one of these traits approaches the point of sociopathy; zero empathy. I want what I want and I'll do whatever/whomever I have to in order to get it. The Ends justify The Means...for me. Everyone else needs to be nice to me and give me whatever I want, because I'm The Awesome. Over the course of the past decade, this person has been a prostitute, an addict to just about everything imaginable, a college drop-out at least twice, various kinds of a thief and fraud (everything from identity fraud to skipping out on $100,000 hospital bills incurred when her track-marks got infected), and probably every kind of a mooch and leech you can think of.

Her usual M.O. is to find some poor weak-minded fool, then make nice/sling pussy for as long as it takes to;
1: Move into, and then trash, his apartment,
2: Get a "job" which will allow her to come to work drunk/stoned/strung-out every day while only requiring a few hours per week of actual presence,
3: Lose said "job" for fucking things up while drunk, refusing to carry out her contractual obligations because they conflict with some newly-discovered religious/political/philosphical belief,
4: Go out, get slobbering-stupid drunk, fuck 6-12 of the guys friends and relatives,
5: Get pissed when he gets pissed that his "girlfriend" has trashed his domicile, lost her job, drunk all his drink, eaten all his food, smoked all his smoke, fucked half the zip-code, and is now demanding that he replace all of the above plus buy her a new computer/shoes/car,
6: Leave to go find some new slob to pull this on. When this doesn't work, she invariably tries to move home to pull the same shit on us (Madre, Padre, Grand-Pere, and my good self).

She's been doing this little routine, in cities all over the US and Canada, for ten years now. She has the impulse-control of a crank-addicted Mayfly and seems to think that other people exist in order to validate, excuse, and fix her horrifically bad decisions and their inevitable results.

Her most recent stay at home lasted for all of 5 months and followed a similar pattern.

1: Arrive. Spend 3-6 weeks being nice and agreeable, cleaning up after herself, and helping out. Sometimes she even manages to find a job.
2: Realize (again) that yes, life on a farm/business is WORK, and that she's expected to pull her own (allegedly adult) weight around here.
3: Realize that nobody's going to cut her any slack here because (duh!) we can't be bribed/bought with pussy, drugs, or platitudes we've heard 90-bajillion times already.
4: Demand that slack be cut, act resentful and resume passive-aggressive shit when slack isn't cut. Lie, manipulate, and steal her way through as much family food/drink/money/time/resources as possible while...
5: Start showing up for work drunk, partying all night with deeply questionable sketchball local idiots, and generally making a cunt of herself.
6: Demand that people stop giving her a hard time for doing things like passing out in the parking-lot, spilling Rum & Coke all over $20,000 worth of firearms, and nearly driving 4-wheelers into ponds while drunk. Likewise demand a "buy" on sleeping through her chores, taking 15-minute "roll your own smoke" breaks every 45 mins, and repeatedly dumping rolling tobacco/booze/food all over other people beds, work-spaces, and various common areas while inhebriated.
7: Get pissed when people don't quit expecting her to act like an adult, repeat Steps 4-6 as above, leaving in the middle of the night and abandoning 9 metric ass-tonnes of junk, garbage, clothes, old food, nd half-empty beer bottles, which -other- people then have to clean up. Liberally sprinkle Steps 4-7 with thinly-veiled threats of suicide.

And now, after all of this, repeated ad nauseum, ad infinitum over the past 10 years, she found some slob dumb enough to -marry- her...after 4 weeks of drinking together. When the feces contacted the rotary air impeller, as they always do, she elected (as usual) for the most self-destructive, passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing stunt she could think of to attract the validation and freebies she thinks the world owes her: a melodramatic suicide attempt. Apparently this one (unlike the previous three) came close to working. The predictable result was that her husband (doubtless sick to death of Steps 2-5 in that first paragraph) told her to take her drama and bullshit and gethafuckout.

I am so sick of this endless drama and crap that I could puke. This has been more-or-less her "default mode" since she was 16. Now, my baby sis has some shit to deal with. She's got some physical issues which aren't very forgiving, in a lot of ways, and she and I didn't exactly have what you'd call a functional childhood. But her reaction to all of this, instead of trying to make things better, has been to wallow endlessly in the attitudes and mindsets of a spoiled early-teenage girl. She convinces people to finance the building of bridges, crosses those bridges, then BURNS those bridges...and then wonders where this water came from and why she can't walk across it. She uses people, exploits them, screws them every way she can...and then wonders why they don't want to fuck her, smoke her up, or buy her drinks anymore. If this woman could think up a way to convince herself that Newton's Laws of Motion didn't apply to her, she would spend years hurling herself out of trees and wondering why she kept breaking her leg in an attempt to fly; Gravity is for -other- people. She's been in and out of hospitals, loony-bins, and on various sorts of medication for this kind of shit since she was 17, and has been diagnosed with everything from Borderline Personality Disorder to borderline psychosis to simple everyday Incurable Bitch Syndrome.

And frankly, after 27 years of defending her, keeping her secrets, alibying her, justifying her, protecting her as best I can...I have run out of patience. I simply don't have the heart to keep doing this. I've spent my entire life wanting nothing but to be her big brother, to help her and protect her and God-forbid be allowed to love her...only to have it thrown back in my face and be abandoned. And now she's tried to abandon me AGAIN. This womanchild has stabbed me in the back so many times I've got scars on my scars. But I think I've finally run out of patience, for her and her self-serving bullshit. I've also decided that, to whatever extent I have been in the past, I am -done- with enabling her crap.

So my question to you, good people of the TFP, is this:

Have I flipped my shit here? Am I being unreasonable? Please; tell me if I am, because I want to help her anyway that I can. Unfortunately, she decided long ago that she was past help, and decided that instead of getting better the logical thing to do was simply to drink/fuck/smoke/inject/bridge-burn her way into an early grave; and yes, she's directly told me that, in so many words.

I don't want to resign myself to having to go down to some dismal mortuary and identify my baby sister. But I am rapidly reaching the conclusion that I may have no choice, because she's decided that she's going to end her days badly no matter what happens.

Some days I just want to move back to Prague...or maybe Mongolia...put a few "Rand McNally-scale" geographical features between myself and all this endless crap. But unlike my sister, I don't turn and run out, especially not on family.

So what, in y'all's opinion, are my options here? What can I do? Anything? Nothing? Hit me with the ideas, folks, 'cause I'm tapped out. Could use some insight and wisdom on this one.

Willravel

First off, I think I dated your sister. Don't worry, it didn't go anywhere.

You don't get to choose your family. Because you don't get to choose your family, you have to put more of an effort in helping to build and maintain good, healthy relationships with them. You do not, however, have to be tortured (or "enhanced interrogation"). Your sister is the devil, so if you feel you've done everything you can, cut her out of your life. Don't take calls, don't answer emails, don't discuss her with family (especially to gossip), and if she shows up, kick her out without entering into any kind of dialogue with her.

That you share DNA does not mean you are forever required to put up with her shit.

snowy

When people are truly toxic, sometimes there is no choice but to force an emotional cutoff between you and the other person.

Your relationship with your sister sounds like it fits the bill. You should consider it. My mother had to cut my aunt out of her life, and she feels better for it--relieved, even.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

The_Dunedan

Thing is, though, she's my baby sister. The drama and crap and self-destructive shenanigans drive me crazy, but I still love her. This whole tragic bloody waste just breaks my heart. I can't cut her out of my life, much though I wish I could just filter the crap out. A lot of that was just me needing to rant, truth be told. I hate her shit, but I love her.

Guess now I've just gotta figure out how best to take that love and help her, if I can.

I guess that's what I'm asking here; what, if anything, -can- I do?

noodle

If she doesn't want to change... nothing.

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Willravel

So you need to put up with her regardless of how destructive she is? Comon.
No, you won't cut her out of your life because you are equating family with unconditional loyalty. As noble as that sounds on paper (or on the forum, in this case), the truth is that you're letting yourself get abused for no good reason. You can cut her out of your life, at least for the time being. You have the ability and she's given you the reason. The question is if you will.

redsneaker

Have her committed or put in jail where she cannot be enabled any longer. As much as you love her, your enabling her is hurting her in the long run. She needs help, not alibis. She needs to be in a place where she can face whatever she's dealing with, not an escape route to fuck/drink/smoke it away. Because that never works. If you love her as much as you say you do, stop enabling her and get her some professional help. It might mean she's pissed at you for awhile, but them's the breaks. One day she will thank you.

Dragonlich

Heh, I thought my brother was bad, but he's nothing compared your sister...

I for one wouldn't "help" her. I tried it with my brother (long story), and it simply doesn't work. You only end up shielding her from the consequences of her actions, allowing her to go on with whatever she's doing wrong. Eventually you have to accept that she's an adult, and is capable of making or breaking her own life. Nothing you do will change that. She has to decide to change herself; you can't do that for her.

...but I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes.

highthief

What's the Czech Republic bit about? Is this some vague pop culture reference I don't get?

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Cynthetiq

any further assistance you give your sister is just enabling her. check out Al-Anon as a support group to understand just how difficult but not how odd or unique your situation is.

It would be hard for me to cut off my baby sister. I have done everything that I can so that my baby sister would not ever want to cut me off.

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Willravel

Alcoholics anonymous is a wonderful program, but a friend of mine gave me a line on SOS, Save Ourselves, a set of substance abuse programs that don't involve people that prosthelytize Christianity. They're not as common as AA, but they're really effective.

Slims

Continue to offer her refuge in the hopes you can bring her back into the fold....

But lay down a few unbending ground rules first:

1. No drinking, period
2. Curfew
3. No Sex
4. No Drugs
5. No Stealing
6. Aside from a roof, you only get what you work for.
7. She works to improve herself/her situation continuously. Could be counseling, education, etc.


I don't think this is unreasonable, if she wants a hand-out, she can either accept the preconditions or go elsewhere....but in this fashion you will be able to remain available should she have no one else to turn to.....and if she is desperate enough she may well agree to your rules.

Do I think this will help? Not right away. I fully expect she will continue her normal pattern, as you have described it, at least the first time she comes back looking for shelter. I think the rules will make your lives a little bit easier because there will be no misunderstandings. However, I think you will probably have to kick her out shortly after she arrives....the first time. The next time she comes looking for help, she may make it work for a little while longer before (openly) violating your rules and forcing eviction. The next time may last a little longer...

In the process she may begin to break some of her bad habits and gain new ones.


I know this is a hard situation, and I am fully aware my advice may amount to nothing useful. But I know you and I know that you will not be able to turn your back on your sister, no matter how bad she gets. So you might as well start thinking about how you can mitigate the damage she can do to you guys while at least offering the possibility of some reform.



Good luck.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

Xerxys

^^ You mean treat her like a kid? A teenager? I think it'll make things worse. She needs professional help.

Slims

Why not? If she is cold, hungry and wants a place to sleep, she can at least agree to the above conditions.



But yeah, I do see how she may feel she is being treated like a child, especially because treating her like an adult has worked out so well. But how does what she 'likes' have anything to do with it? She likes destructive things. There is no reason the Dunedain should be obligated to support self-destructive behavior, especially when it comes at great expense to himself and his family.

As long as she is a guest in their home, she can abide by whatever rules are laid down. No different than staying at a friends house...you can either comply with his wishes or leave. There is nothing unreasonable about that.


Incidentally, I also agree that she needs professional help, but there is no way Dunedain can get enough traction or influence over her to convince her to go unless he can start to break that cycle at least a little bit. Hence the last rule I posted. The others are intended to keep her in a condition such that she is actually able to attend said counseling, etc. If she is out all night partying and has a wicked hang-over, the odds of her 1: helping out and being in any kind of shape to work the next day or 2: actually getting up and attending counseling, are slim to none.

We treat children like 'children' because it allows us to maintain a degree of control and influence over someone whom we are trying to guide into adulthood and a productive life...it is just as appropriate for an adult who is acting like a child, complete with poor decisions and dependence on others.

Homeless Shelters across the country enact similar rules...because it is the only way they can help maintain order and give self-destructive people a few hours of piece. Sure, some people won't go due to those rules, but many do and they get a good nights rest, food, and a chance to sober up long enough to have an opportunity to start making good decisions...the rest is up to the individual.



Xerxys: Since you are so quick to disparage my suggestions (and may be completely correct to do so), how do you suggest The Dunedain get the professional help you spoke of for his sister, pay for it, convince her to go, and do so without destroying the rest of his family or treating her like a teenager? Also, do you think it will have any effect?

I fully support criticism, but if you are going to state something won't work, then please state what will.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

Xerxys

You underestimate the social skills of the kind of person described in the OP.

I picked professional help because The Dunedian described self destructive behavior in an adult. And it sounds to me she'll simply go to someone else for food and shelter of which she can pay for with p*$$y.

The bridge burning simply means she doesn't want shit and won't have to put up with it. It's an "kthnxbai" attitude employed my manipulative people meant to convey the "see you when you cool down" attitude.

You can call her what you like but failure to recognize her strengths (bad ones but strengths non the less) will get you very slow progress.

redsneaker

If she is posing a threat to herself and/or others, you always have the option to see involuntary commitment for evaluation purposes. You said she has been in facilities before - they might be able to assist. Sounds like she needs serious psychological treatment - much more than you alone can provide her.

filtherton

Man, that sucks Dunedan. I was going to try to offer some advice about getting her help, but I keep coming up against this old phrase about leading a horse to water. She doesn't sound particularly interested in the kind of help she would need to get to live a healthy life.

So you can either keep her in your life, set boundaries you're comfortable with (assuming these two parts don't contradict) and hope that some day in the future she comes around or you can cut her loose, wish her the best and hope she figures shit out on her own. Regardless of which course you take, I can't imagine she'll get better without the aid of a talented therapist.

Either way, I'm sorry. It has been my experience that there are few things more emotionally exhausting and distressing than when loved ones are in harm's way. It's even worse when they seem pathological predisposed to go out of their way to put themselves in harm's way.

dksuddeth

One of the things i've learned with my stepkids is that the more times you let them come back after doing the same routine, the longer they will continue the same routines. They've imprinted in their thought patterns that no matter how far out of bound they go, they always have a fallback position. I had to delete that fallback position for myself. They are no longer welcome in my life or my home until they make the changes necessary to be decent human beings. Once they can prove that to me, which will take several years now, they I will consider another relationship with them.

As much as you love your baby sister D, I think thats what you have to do. sometimes people need to learn their mistakes the hard way.

__________________
"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

Martian

Mark it down in the recordbooks: I agree with dksuddeth.

Turns out you can't save people from themselves.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame