Anonymous Member

i was discharged from the marine corps 11 months for attempting suicide. i had earned the title, but at the time of my attempted overdose, it meant nothing to me. this, i regret, because i am now in a financial abyss. have been independent since my discharge. no money to pay the insurance, probably won't have any to pay the rent. parents will not help. other relatives are in the same position. i am the eldest of my siblings, and they are in school. i've no resources. i've a job in nightclub security, but this only allows 25 hours every week. credit is miserable; ten thousand in unpaid medical debt. can only hope that my other job picks back up, or that i find money in the street.

car is shot. can't pass inspection. transmission is shot. two-hundred and twelve thousand miles on it. tis falling apart. i have nothing of value to sell.

the people i want have abandoned me. this is not dramatic. they will not speak with me because i am a neurotic asshole. i am a neurotic asshole because i crave their attention. cannot reach out to them because they do not enjoy my presence.

have no discernible talents. have only desire. my deepest desire is to off myself successfully. am too cynical to seek help. am drinking way too heavily (am sober at the moment, though). everytime a car pulls into my checkpoint at the stripclub, i sincerely hope that he draws a gun and shoots before i draw mine.

i am a broke, clueless, skinny white boy with nowhere to go but down.

i don't expect any sympathy. maybe one or two hits of empathy, just based on what i've witnessed. ultimately i'm just posting this because i can do so without fear of personal repercussion. it feels good to complain in not-so-subtle ways, and not in a notebook (that's how i lost my last job). i've demonstrated in the past that i am completely incompetent in acts of suicide; i will either need to be pushed over the edge, or thrown out off of a rooftop.

realistically, i will probably drink myself to death. i just hope it's soon.

Lucifer

Hey everybody! Kpax is back!

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I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

Anormalguy

I tried drinking myself to death. It's a very slow way to go, and it'll scare the crap out of you when you start noticing what prolonged heavy drinking does to your memory and your IQ.

You say that you're too cynical to seek help, but that's exactly what you need to do. There are agencies that can help you with your psychological and financial problems, but you have to go to them, they won't come to you. You can overcome your debt, but it won't be easy.

I know that what I've written is pretty basic & lame (other TFPers will be offering better & more detailed advice), but I hope that you work through this. Please keep us posted.

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In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

wooÐs

Hm. Well, I've been there. I'll leave it at that.

The LAST thing you need to worry about are medical bills. Seriously. Any financial pro dude will tell you this. Towards the end, they often write the shit off anyways. I've experienced this firsthand.

Stop spending your cash on booze and use it on the bills you need in order to survive - electricity, gas - hell, you're obviously paying for your internet. I don't know your situation exactly, but you might want to lose it in order to put the money to better use for yourself.

Lastly, enroll in an outpatient program for psychiatric help. Just do it. The last time I was in, there were plenty of skeptics that were forced to enroll due to DUI's and such. After a few weeks, they were all over the program, feeling better about themselves and their situation. Sometimes, you need to see others worse off than yourself to appreciate what you currently have.

That's all I can really tell you for now. Hope it helps.

Plan9

Mmm, I think its the alcohol that's talking. I usually contain my booze-talk to chat.

Hey, you're just like me. Except I'm going places because I Am What I Do.

I think a more honest personal inventory would reveal many redeeming qualities.

If you made it through Marine Corps boot camp, you can handle everyday drudgery.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

forseti-6

What Crompsin said. If you were able to make it through boot camp you can do just about anything. Granted you hit a low note, heck I'm in one right now, you gotta realize you can make it out of it. I heard somewhere before "obstacles are there for a reason, they're there to make you prove you want something." Well here is your obstacle and you can overcome it. There is help out there, you just have to seek it.

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"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss

Vigilante

You are a Marine. If you want to off yourself, you will do so. Pills are for crybabies and pussies, and hardly ever work. Don't play like you couldn't do it if you wanted to. Begging for attention and whining is not for a man of your stature. Rise up, soldier. Quit being a coward.

Go flip burgers if you have to. Room up with someone, even use craigslist to find a roomie if you want. Ride a bike until you have the cash to get a decent car, or sell yours for what it's worth and keep saving, pedaling along until you have what you need. It's not like you'll be the only one riding as bike. I see plenty. Get a loan if you can. Do what you have to now to survive, and deal with the paybacks later. It's all about survival, while not taking away anyone else's ability to survive as well. I think you've already passed the cash for clunkers deal, so that was stupid on your part but in times of depression, people do stupid things. I get that, really.

You just need to suck it up and move on man. I lost my whole family on one side and gained a new one. It brought me down a bit even though I disowned them willingly, but in the end I was so much better off. Things will change, you just have to trudge through it until then. When you have your head on straight, those that knew you before will forgive you. Trust me, I know from personal experience.

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We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

savmesom11

This is the most asinine advise you will ever hear in your entire life, this I promise you.

Stating you are too cynical to ask for advice and yet post on-line, regardless of anonimity, is quite the contrary....by typing the lines you were seeking guidance, an empathetic ear, all of which are modes of seeking help. And I, would like to 'hear' you.

Now that you have taken that step, why not the next? Truly seek out emergency crisis intervention services that every community has information on. If you are really rural you may have to take that piece o' crap car on one last ride to get that service but I would venture to guess the reward will be worth it.

Even if Vigilante was amusing at best about his absolute ignorance on suicide and what it takes to be a 'real' man for that matter, he was beginning to make a bit of verifiable sense when he suggested that you can rebuild, restructure, and maintain a healthy independent lifestyle on your own. As someone who works, lives, and counsels others who are in serious and persistent mental health crises, I understand that the support network often leave when they no longer can care for themselves because they are being consumed by the emotions of others. If this is the case than when you are stable and healthy you can revisit the opportunity to rebuild these relationships. If this is not the case then keep in mind that you aren't doing to hot without them now; it is possible to build your own new life and define it in such a way, that not only makes sense but makes you happy and fulfilled - unfortunately they may no longer be in this new life.

More importantly and from me to you, I find you of value and encourage you to seek the help you need so you can once again find value in you. The road will be long and at times painful, but you're worth it - don't ever for a second think you're not. But every other poster above who stated in some way that it is up to YOU to define your own happiness is absolutely true, if you really want it - it's waiting for you to take it.

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Vigilante

My take was simply that a man that has made it to the marines can hear tough words and take them in stride. It's like when we can't lift the bar on the bench and your spotter says BUCK UP BITCH, then that sudden kick of adrenalin and testosterone sinks in and you raise the bar you thought for sure was going to kill you.

That may not work for him. Then again it might. Everyone has a take on what to tell an individual that is having a hard time. Some people need strong words, some people need a shoulder to cry on.

He has your post, and he has mine. Whichever one helps him the most is the one he should take in stride.

Either way, yes Mr. Anon, you must rebuild your life. You have lost, and you will gain, and the cycle of ups and downs will continue. We all deal with it. Here's hoping you can deal with your's.

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We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

Plan9

It works for hundreds of thousands every day.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

jnthnlllshprd

You really seem ignorant. Let me elaborate on some things.

1. People die from ODs quite often.

2. Not all cars qualify for Cash for Clunkers. For instance, the car must be no older than 1997. Also, the car must be traded in for a new (and expensive) vehicle, and the monthly payments can be bank-breaking.

3. He can't get a loan if he has bad credit, and no family assistance.

4. Marines are not Soldiers. Even a remorseful former-Marine like myself resents that remark.

5. The Marine Corps will break your spirit like nothing else, especially once you get back into society. In fact, the Corps has a very high suicide rate for obvious reasons. I myself have been down that route.

6. It's not quite so easy to get a job flipping burgers these days.

wooÐs

I also suggest you find support forums - places for the depressed, addicts, etc. Can't beat free therapy. I know of a couple good ones but I'm not sure I can post them here. They are overflowing with support. Google 'recovery forums.'

Anormalguy

I can't think of a single reason why The Powers That Be at TFP would object to you posting some links to support forums.

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In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

wooÐs

Because they're other forums lol.

A lot of the forums I'm on prohibit posting links to other forums. I'll chance it.

- SoberRecovery: Drug Rehab | Drug Addiction Treatment Center | Alcoholism | Addiction Mental Health | Directory Substance Abuse Detox Programs {click on 'Forums.'}
- Welcome to Cyber Recovery
- Depression Forums - A Depression & Mental Health Community Support Group

And there's always NIMH · Home. Don't let this site scare you. Know that depression is an illness and it can be cured. You can mostly read articles on this site but if I remember correctly, it can also hook you up to local groups in your area.

The_Jazz

We never have and never will object to members helping each other. We will never be all things to all people and steering someone in genuine need of real help towards that goal is more of the spirit of this place than anything else.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

savmesom11

No it really doesn't...but the 'tuff' guy mentality will tell you it did

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Daniel_

We all have black moods.

But I can't be the only one who saw this thread and thought : "It's like that, and that's the way it is"

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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Plan9

"Tuff?" Hah.

...

Your response sounds suspiciously like a familiar variety of psychobabble that promotes I'm Okay, You're Okay, breast implants, and sixpack abs.

And really? The counter to this system is to support the system that suggests that other-others actually care about you as The Feeling Individual (TM).

I wasn't referring strictly to myself but let's say I was: Really? So you're telling me what... that the last X years of my life is all a farce and that I need someone to hold my hand and validate my feelings? Oh, the horror. You know why they call it a system? Because it works for somebody.

At the end of the day and regardless of how we feel about it: We are what we do.

...

Success is the tangible made of intangibles.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

jnthnlllshprd

You seem like the type to take Fight Club way too seriously.

wooÐs

I'd like to see an update - if any steps have been made, etc.

Plan9

Close... I was married to a social worker.

*rimshot*

...

And what do you take seriously? Xanax?

*rimshot*

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

wooÐs