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feeling very blue. it's like that.
i was discharged from the marine corps 11 months for attempting suicide. i had earned the title, but at the time of my attempted overdose, it meant nothing to me. this, i regret, because i am now in a financial abyss. have been independent since my discharge. no money to pay the insurance, probably won't have any to pay the rent. parents will not help. other relatives are in the same position. i am the eldest of my siblings, and they are in school. i've no resources. i've a job in nightclub security, but this only allows 25 hours every week. credit is miserable; ten thousand in unpaid medical debt. can only hope that my other job picks back up, or that i find money in the street.
car is shot. can't pass inspection. transmission is shot. two-hundred and twelve thousand miles on it. tis falling apart. i have nothing of value to sell.
the people i want have abandoned me. this is not dramatic. they will not speak with me because i am a neurotic asshole. i am a neurotic asshole because i crave their attention. cannot reach out to them because they do not enjoy my presence.
have no discernible talents. have only desire. my deepest desire is to off myself successfully. am too cynical to seek help. am drinking way too heavily (am sober at the moment, though). everytime a car pulls into my checkpoint at the stripclub, i sincerely hope that he draws a gun and shoots before i draw mine.
i am a broke, clueless, skinny white boy with nowhere to go but down.
i don't expect any sympathy. maybe one or two hits of empathy, just based on what i've witnessed. ultimately i'm just posting this because i can do so without fear of personal repercussion. it feels good to complain in not-so-subtle ways, and not in a notebook (that's how i lost my last job). i've demonstrated in the past that i am completely incompetent in acts of suicide; i will either need to be pushed over the edge, or thrown out off of a rooftop.
realistically, i will probably drink myself to death. i just hope it's soon.
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