The Dangers Of Comparitive Thinking

[MauiMensch]

I just had a friend visit from out of town. He is a deep thinker and is constantly analyzing his circumstances and trying to figure out what's wrong with it and what could be better. He applies this thinking to his girlfriends as well and he seems to constantly be ending relationships because of some problem he's found with them. Even if some trait of hers isn't currently an issue, he might decide that someday it will be an issue, so he ends the relationship.

The problem is, his "thinking style" has rubbed off on me a little to the point where I'm wondering if I should constantly be comparing my life, my wife, to "what could be". As of 4 years ago, I began to shun this thinking style because I found that it leads to unhappiness. But now, I want to know what other people -who are in committed relationships- think and do. Do you constantly compare your partner to other people?* Or do you constantly look for ways to appreciate your partner and your unique relationship?

I currently do the latter, but my friend made me feel like maybe I didn't put enough "logical thought" into the process of "selecting" a mate. He made me feel like maybe I'm being too acquiescent and that I'm settling too easily. Really, I think I'm in the right and he's in the wrong. I think that you ought to appreciate what you got and live as happy a life as you can with what you got. This whole capitalistic idea of bettering your circumstances shouldn't apply to people, should it? I don't think relationships work that way. I think the whole capitalistic idea of constantly trying to improve your situation can lead to unhappiness, because you have to be grounded in a fundamental belief that where you are is not satisfactory. I'm getting off topic. I just would appreciate some reassurance from anyone who knows what I'm talking about and/or who's in a committed relationship. Thanks in advance.

[Lasereth]

Are you happy? Yes or no. If you are, fuck what every other person on this earth has to say about your relationship.

[ametc]

My boyfriend could be a million times better. He could give me more attention, more compliments, he could shave his beard more often, he could clean up after himself more often, he could get fit, he could be more responsible, more productive, more a bunch of things. he's SOOO not Mr. Perfect. But, I like how he has his faults. I appreciate the things he does do for me and what he is.

I COULD possibly get better... but I don't want better right now. Who am I to think I'm better than him when I have my own faults? It's not that I'm afraid to get better... better is just not my thing. I'm not going to strive for perfection when I'm already happy where I'm at right now.

[MauiMensch]

Originally Posted by ametc

I'm not going to strive for perfection when I'm already happy where I'm at right now.

Thanks Amtec. Well said. Much appreciated.

[NorthernGirl]

its good to think about things before taking action, but dont go nuts thinking about some issue all the time, it will just drag you down, focus on whats positive, make a decision, then move forward. thinking can drive you nuts .

[Xerxys]

You are what you do.

You cannot change others and you spend a lifetime with your SO because you choose them for who they are. You right in the first place about being as happy as possible with what you've got and accepting others.

On the other hand, I ENCOURAGE stressing out over things that you can change and they make you unhappy. Your clothes, how you eat, what house you live in. What car you drive. Dude, as long as it makes YOU unhappy, by all means, stress over it. You see, you might be happy, but nothing remains stagnant. Only death and taxes. Better yourself everyday.

Others, people, other people's people, other people's cars, to each their own. Leave them be, you cannot change them. Accept them or don't, but DON'T EVER EVER GET SOMEONE DOWN FOR WHO THEY ARE!!!! I'd loose the friend.

[Manic_Skafe]

I think your friend unnecessarily takes it to an extreme but I'm a firm believer in the idea that in order for a relationship to be a success it has to take you somewhere - having a good time isn't enough.

That doesn't mean that I take a laundry list of requirements to my relationship every few months but just as I have goals for myself, I surely do have them for my partner and we certainly do have to conform to each others standards.

Originally Posted by MauiMensch

But now, I want to know what other people -who are in committed relationships- think and do. Do you constantly compare your partner to other people?* Or do you constantly look for ways to appreciate your partner and your unique relationship?

Five years with the lady and while we don't actively compare ourselves or our relationship to anyone else or their circumstances, we strive toward being constructively critical when it calls for it.

Originally Posted by Xerxys

You are what you do.

You cannot change others and you spend a lifetime with your SO because you choose them for who they are. You right in the first place about being as happy as possible with what you've got and accepting others.

Maybe it's just me but I see the two ideas that I've emphasized to be contradictory.

You are what you do. All of the great qualities inside of a person are meaningless to me if they don't translate into actions that positively effect my life. Besides, we all have character flaws, if your SO can't constructively criticize you then who should?

Originally Posted by Xerxys

Others, people, other people's people, other people's cars, to each their own. Leave them be, you cannot change them. Accept them or don't, but DON'T EVER EVER GET SOMEONE DOWN FOR WHO THEY ARE!!!! I'd loose the friend.

Try dating an alcoholic or a dope fiend and see if that holds up.

[Xerxys]

Well, I kinda think it's a structure, we work together to better each other ... or something.

You can still be accepting of someone and let them know what parts of them you would like to change. (>>Read: It's never worked for me)

Lack of an open mind is a dealbreaker for me. But you can accept someone or not accept them. Then go your separate ways if the latter. Easier said than done huh? But I think the ideas work together in some sort of oxymoron kinda way...

Originally Posted by Manic_Skafe

... Try dating an alcoholic or a dope fiend and see if that holds up.

[genuinegirly]

Sure, sometimes I compare my husband to other people's significant others. And in every single instance that I've come across so far, I realize that I'd much rather deal with his little idiosyncrasies than anyone else's.

Your friend seems to be forgetting a crucial aspect of comparison:
You must lay out the positives along with the negatives.
Here's a little exercise that I like: since it is easier for me to think of negatives, I force myself to come up with three positives for every one negative. Once you get going, you'll start to realize that there are usually more positives to negatives - you just didn't notice them in the midst of your frustration.

Your friend is also neglecting a critical component of every successful relationship: personal growth. He assumes that later he will become frustrated with a quirk. He does not realize that perhaps later down the line, he will laugh. He will laugh at the thought that he once considered whatever-it-is as a quirk.

Sounds like your friend is a pessimistic person who is out to experience a lot of unhealthy relationships. I hope he wisens up.

[little_tippler]

I know we all make comparisons, but to compare to this extent isn't healthy. When you're with someone, a lot of the reasons why you're with them have little to do with a rational list of pros and cons. Being somewhat of a closet pessimist these days, I think most people who try to draw up such a list will find the cons largely outweigh the pros in number. But it's not quantity that matters. It's quality.

[Shell]

Listen to your heart. Your mind is messing with you.

[MSD]

Your friend sounds like the kind of obsessive nerd who wouldn't pass the Voight-Kampff test.

[Martian]

There's nothing logical about relationships.

Magpie isn't perfect. If I were so inclined I could come up with a list as tall as you are of her flaws. I'm quite certain that she could do the exact same regarding me.

I accept her personality quirks as part of who she is. There's too much to love for me to do anything else.

Regarding comparisons, I never do it. I had no shortage of potential female companions during my last bout of singlehood, as some may attest. I've had a couple since; in fact, just a week ago a pretty little thing invited me out for a Saturday night. I told her that I'd have to check with my girlfriend first.

So I have lots of material for comparison shopping, if I were inclined to do such a thing. But I'm not; down that road lies nothing but unhappiness and self-doubt. The problem with what-might-have-been is that you never know. We have exactly one road available to be known in the fullest, and that's the one we're on. Better to simply accept what you have then sit and drive yourself crazy wondering.

[abaya]

I've developed a view lately of being fine with semi-fulfillment. I learned a while ago that I am the type of person who is never going to be totally happy about anything (at least, not for long!). I am critical and analytical to a fault, and I am capable of finding flaws in anyone and anything... so I used to believe that nothing could ever make me happy, and that I should move on in order to seek perfection and completion.

It took a long time for me to learn how to shut up that side of me and just live a little, be happy with some degree of fulfillment, and not try to deconstruct everything that came across my path (believe me, I still have bad habits, but I tone it down a bit these days). This applies to my marriage, my career, living situation, everything... nothing will satisfy me 100%, so I try to teach myself to be content with semi-fulfillment, knowing that's as close as my critical personality is going to let me get to happiness. And I think that's alright, really. It's a process for me, learning how to deal with my own voices and not about expecting other people to fulfill my every need.

[Magpie_1]

Originally Posted by Martian

There's nothing logical about relationships.

Magpie isn't perfect. If I were so inclined I could come up with a list as tall as you are of her flaws. I'm quite certain that she could do the exact same regarding me.

I accept her personality quirks as part of who she is. There's too much to love for me to do anything else.

Regarding comparisons, I never do it. I had no shortage of potential female companions during my last bout of singlehood, as some may attest. I've had a couple since; in fact, just a week ago a pretty little thing invited me out for a Saturday night. I told her that I'd have to check with my girlfriend first.

So I have lots of material for comparison shopping, if I were inclined to do such a thing. But I'm not; down that road lies nothing but unhappiness and self-doubt. The problem with what-might-have-been is that you never know. We have exactly one road available to be known in the fullest, and that's the one we're on. Better to simply accept what you have then sit and drive yourself crazy wondering.

He is right. You can't expect relationships to make seance or follow some logical path all the time. People are unique.

Yes I could also make some crazy list detailing all of Martians flaws. I wouldn't want to waste my time doing so. We all know that our partners aren't perfect. I wouldn't expect Martin to be such a thing. If he was it would honestly scare me. I love him for who he is.

I as well don't bother with comparisons. I'm to happy with what I have. Sure the opportunity dose arise at times. My trainer for my job was hitting on me a couple of weeks ago. Before Martian there were ... I think it was two other guys that were pining for me. Actually I had to get Martian to scare one away.

If you are always in the mindset of "I could do better." Your just going to live a life of misery. Life is to short to bother. Look at all the good things that you love about your partner. If you can't find any, your in the wrong relationship.

[piismyname]

I am sucker for over analyzing situations, so I sympathize with the OP and his friend. Over analyzing and looking for faults is not a happy way to live. The key for me is to realize that enjoying something that is Good Enough right now is better than waiting for a hypothetical Perfect thing that may or may not exist. This could apply to a decision on which route to take to work, which camera to buy, or who to spend Friday night with.

[thespian86]

Originally Posted by Lasereth

Are you happy? Yes or no. If you are, fuck what every other person on this earth has to say about your relationship.

I'll take Las a step further and also make an argument for living for the sake of distinction, not further perception.

As for what Las said, I'd say life is made up of (and this is highly simplified but also true) things that you either: a) like, or b) don't like. Do (a) a lot and fuck (b). It's that simple. Do what makes you happy.

As for creating and furthering perception as a life philosophy you will always be unhappy; there is no truth in opinion. Truth is independent of you. You can't trust even your own bias because humans adapt quickly, and what we "want" day to day changes day to day. There is no stability in a truthless existence. So trust Distinction. If you can feel it, see it, smell it, taste it, or hear it, it's likely to exist. And you're likely to make a solid decision regarding a matter that won't change (at least dramatically). Anything else I am aware of, participate in, but do not invest in (or rather, I am constantly aware that it is likely to change).

So, unless i've got it wrong, he is treating what I've defined as "perception" as truth, and using the knowledge that it is ever changing as a reason not to live.

I hope that made sense; I'm off my game today.

But yeah; like it, do it.