PlanG

Really the only title I can think of atm.

Backstory:

I spent the last few years of my life finding girls I really like only to have them go for the "friend zone" so much so I had given up.
As soon as I did, I met a girl who literally ticked every box for me, by mistake (a serendipity if you will), and we were together for a month, interspersed by me going abroad for a week, and a weekend simultaneously away.

She has just been on a different continent for a month travelling, over which she got her results. She wasn't happy, because while she did amazingly well, she slipped up after getting complacent due to having nearly full marks the previous year (A-Levels here are over two years). She still has nearly top grades obtainable.

She's going to one of, if not the best arty universities in the country, if not the world to do a foundation, and wants to go on to do a full degree with only 30 places/year, despite 600 (apparently) people on the foundation, and other people applying to contend with when she applies for this next year.

I'm going to a uni about 1hr 30mins away by train, (around £16, so $30ish, although I don't know how this compares cost-of-living wise to the US).





Anyway, I've never been so excited in my life about anything as her coming back from her travels. I've only known her for the month but in this time I've found someone I truly admire, and could sit in a room with her in silence for hours yet still enjoy myself. I'm her first, so it's not a common thing for her either.

Yet, the first thing I hear from her after this month is an ominous "I just got back, I'm free now, can you come over. We need to talk".

Seriously, my heart has never pounded so hard - even after the mega gym-a-thon I just did - due to worry.

So I get there and the first thing she says is "We need to split up".



Her reasoning is that she slipped up this year, and needs to work even harder than she ever has to get into this course due to the demand.

She says that she doesn't want to fail, and end up blaming me or what have you.

Also that she'd rather split now, then try and down the line split and end up being bitter later.



I didn't really know what to say. I was completed crushed really I guess.
I spoke for an hour or two before leaving, saying I'd think and speak to her again on friday.



My point of view is pretty un-impartial at the moment obvioiusly, but with me:

• I would feel far more bitter rather than splitting now and not even giving us a chance, but trying and failing - I'm not really a quitter, and to me this would be the mark of me becoming a shitter person. I mean - we might not even fail for christ's sake!
• She can't care about me as much as she says, or she wouldn't do this to me
• I can't see how meeting for a couple of weekends a term maybe would interfere with her work so much to stop it - she'll have a social life I reckon, or at least spare time, so why can't I be involved.
• Many of my friends have done harder "feats". On the money front - my friend who is really poor, is doing a long distance to liverpool (very expensive in comparision), and one girl I know who had straight A's already due to 100%'s in modules, yet still revised, managed to keep a relationship going for a year to leeds, despite only being the relationship for a month.

She says it's best to stay friends, just not the relationship, and it would be the same, just without sex. However, I don't really care about the sex - hell I went years without it! But I think there are definite, indescribable and intangible, differences which make it a hard offer to accept.

I also could not take the pain of being just friends again(after so many of the "lets be friends" times) - I've been talking about being fair on her, this wouldn't be fair on me, since it's messed me up many, many times.


So my options I guess are,
Try my best at reasoning with her to reconsider(i've come up with a number of lines of reasoN) - hopefully positively.

However, if she doesn't I just can't see me wanting to keep in contact with her, as she isn't the person, determined to make things work, that I thought she was. I can't handle being just friends with her due to my issues with that, and it would be easier for me to just not speak to her.

I'll still pass on my letter I'd been writing while she was away to put into her suitcase before she went to uni (she leaves before me), just to see what she meant (and still does) to me.

I guess there isn't a real question to this post. I really needed to vent (although I have to my best friends today, and they've tended to agree with me, despite seeing her points of view).


She said she needed to be selfish as her life revolved around this course.

I find this quite a poor view on life, but I guess am I being selfish by wanting so badly to stay with her?
Is it selfish to not want to speak to her again ever due to my personal issues, if we do completely finish? (I say this. We are split up, but I still have hope of getting back).

I think the main thing for me to stress to her, when I speak to her, is how important it is for me to at least give it a go, rather than just not giving a crap and saying "it won't work"; this isn't my way of acting, and it would (she claimed she wanted to leave in the most amicable way) make me far more bitter to just give up than to give it a go, even if we finished on unsavoury terms. I'm already bitter about it ffs, and she only told me about 8 hours ago!

Thanks for anyone that had the stamina to read this. I've just been to a "crisis pub venture" so have had a couple - hopefully it's still comprehensible!


Cheers.
George.

jewels

If that's what she said, I'd highly doubt it's open for discussion.

Most likely, she's prioritized. It might have taken her years and a lot of cash to get to this point and she's not willing to blow it all on a guy she's known for a month.

You said that if she loves you, she wouldn't do this to you. She's not doing anything to you; she's working on herself. The fact is, if you love her, you will suck it up and allow her to do what she needs to do. If she does love you, she'll come back to you later. True love is unselfish and will be willing to wait.

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Manic_Skafe

I hate to say it but this is the price you pay for falling so hard for someone you barely know.

And as there isn't much to discuss here there also isn't much advice to offer but I will say that I hope you two work it out and everything goes exactly as you have it planned. But even if it all falls through, you've described what you two have rather beautifully and from that alone I'd imagine it to have been worth the risk.

Good luck.

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Halx

edited the title

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snowy

Like jewels said, she prioritized, and she decided your relationship was not a priority. I've been in her shoes before. They're not the most comfortable. It's a hard decision to come to, but I can't say I blame her for making it, looking at where you both are in life.

Look at this as a chance to learn and grow. You'll be off to uni in a while where there will be loads of new people to meet and get to know. Throw yourself into that. This is a chance for you to work on who you are as an individual, to improve yourself, to focus solely on you.

And I hate to say it, but you're young. You don't want to go into university tied down. You want to be free to have fun and explore--things that are hard to do if you've already got a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend back home my first couple months at college--needless to say, it didn't last. The tying down stuff can come later, but you're entering a part of your life that's full of new and exciting things, where it's good to be free. Really.

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ASU2003

That's what is probably going on.

Martian

Well, George, sucks for you.

I don't mean to be a dick. I've been there. It hurts, and it sucks. But as of approximately 3:30 pm GMT on the 3rd day of September 2008, your relationship with this girl officially ended. That's it. It's done and there is no way at all that you can reverse that or change it.

The thing is, your post is all about you. It's about how this hurts you, how bitter you are, how bad you want to try. That's natural, and it's okay. You're looking out for your best interests. The part you haven't quite gotten around to yet is that this is exactly what she's doing too. It's what we all do, because it's what we all have to do. So yeah, I guess in a sense she's being selfish, but I don't know that I'd term it that. After all, if I give money to charity I'm generous, but if I give my grocery money to charity than I'm just fucking crazy. There's nobody on this Earth who will take care of you if you don't do it for yourself first.

My advice? Yeah, break off all contact with her. You have rightly intuited that being 'just friends' with this girl is going to be impossible, at least for the foreseeable future. There's too much emotion wrapped up in this to allow that to happen. So cut your losses, take your space and lick your wounds. It'll get better, but you have to give yourself the time and distance to do that.

Best course of action: Go to her on Friday, tell her that you love her and that you're grateful for the time you had together, but that you care about her too much to just be friends with her now. Walk out and don't look back. Move on with your life. Give yourself a few months at university and you'll hardly even know who you are anymore, so much will have changed. Focus on that, and on the positive things in your life.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

PlanG

Thanks for editing the title.

I see where you are coming from, and know how much this course means to her.

I guess the best thing for me to do is to just agree with her and cut off any contact with her. Maybe saying that in summer we'll talk again once the pressure is off her and we have circa 17weeks holiday, with her living right by me.

I'll just explain my side, but not press to hard I think. I don't know if she realises quite how much I have fallen for her..

Thanks a lot though, you have helped.

Iliftrocks

You've been given some excellent advice here. It's going to suck, but eventually you will get over it.

Would you rather be the guy she blames for distracting her, or the guy she thinks fondly of, for not getting in the way?

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PlanG

Yeah I'm glad I posted now.

I think I'll say that to her (your last line). I've written her a letter outlining how I feel for her, but that I think it wouldn't work if she doesn't put in the effort, even though it could potentially, and that I'm upset, but can see where she's coming from, so I'll put it through her door today,then go speak to her tomorrow and get it sorted out.

I still think it's worth saying we should see where we're at and what's going on in our lives when we finish this university year, since she'll have either got into her course or not, and we'll have lots of time I guess.

I'm thinking about just going round tomorrow with a small bottle of champagne and celebrating our time together. Good plan or ridiculous?

ASU2003

I think you have to do something to find out if she wants to get back together with you after this year, or if she just wants to be free to meet any new guys that she comes across. The other thing is she may be using this as an excuse to break up with you while trying to spare hurting you too much.

PlanG

I'm not sure about that really. I know she is really fully focussed on this course - working hard for it really is all she's been doing for the last 5-7 years, and means everything to her, and when she talks about it you can see her dreams lighting up her face, which is beautiful.

She's not had many boyfriends (or any), so I can't imagine it's to go fuck around, although it's obviously a possibility.

Votes on the champagne?

ratbastid

I vote a big no on the champagne. You're just torturing yourself. It's clean break time.

pig

PlanG:

On top of many of the other posters above, allow me to interpret. A few years ago, this asshole from Sex and the City put out this book entitled "He's Just Not That Into You." I was plagued by this book appearing on the table at a few girls' houses who wanted to date me, after it was apparent that I "wasn't that into them." This girl just isn't that into you. You've only known each other a little while, she "prioritized," and it's not worth it to her. She may care about you, but she's not that into you. The best thing you can do is be nice, and step out.

I have to say that from my own experiences, hearing that this is the first thing she said after a month-long trip makes me suspect that she found a little help coming to this decision while abroad. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but that's just my gut and history talking.

Good luck.

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Nisses

You're kidding yourself about the "celebrating our time together".

Skip the champagne. And save yourself the grief.

You've summed it up nicely in your own post, so allow me to quote yourself:

You both want different things, and you both want it for yourself.
This can only end badly if you keep at it.

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lotsofmagnets

hell don´t give her the letter, if you have something to say do it to her face. the letter will seal your fate. also the champers is out.
-----Added 4/9/2008 at 10 : 19 : 01-----
looking back over posts tfp has definitely spoken and i think your choice, or lack of choice is clear. good luck.

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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
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physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

PlanG

Well, I put the letter through her door. (didn't see your post..)

I can't see us getting back together and I see that now.

I'm seeing her tomorrow. don't worry no champagne I'll keep that for myself

I think I'll just say I can't be her friend, but if she needs someone to talk to or help her out I'll be there for her, and leave it at that.


Thanks though, you've helped me out all.
-----Added 4/9/2008 at 11 : 29 : 31-----
And Freshers week starts on my birthday, so I am aiming for serious rebounding

tooth

Ditto. It just seems pushy.

Lasereth

Yeah, she broke up with you and that's the end of it. You will find someone else as good as her. No reason to beg and plead over the relationship if she has already decided to end it. Good luck in your endeavors!

PlanG

Well not too good I guess.
I went for a night out with my mates (was dragged- they wanted to cheer me up). We were having a banging time, but then saw her.

Basically we talked and I was saying that I was finding it hard since I was so excited abou all the fun stuff I thought we'd be doing, and then being dumped was hard, but that I could now see what she was meaning and think it would be better to show how much I like her by letting her go.

For some reason she started shouting that I was really bitter. I don't know what that was about, but yeah.

But I guess it's cemented in my view that we're over, and I'm feeling much better.

I still think I might talk to her next week just to make sure she's less upset as she wasn't looking too happy(read: very unhappy). (Weird that the person being dumped is consoling the other ) Unsure, but I think it is the right thing to do, because I still care for her, and want to sort out any animosity between us, despite how insensitive I feel she was. She was very drunk, as was I, so I guess this contributed to it.


edit:
ah she just text me saying that she was sorry and didn't know what to say because of being drunk, and that was all she could think and that we still need to talk, but not just yet. Especially last night as we just weren't in a fit state

Bear Cub

So she's so into her coursework that she can't date, but she's out getting bombed enough that you run into her on a random night out?

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PlanG

We start our courses in different cities in a couple of weeks, so she doesn't have any now. I think her friends were doing the same thing as mine to try get our minds off it. Backfired slightly!

It's a Thursday night, which is the standard student night and there's not many bars in town, with only one or two of them being good, and we all seem to do the same "circuit" so i guess it was inevitable.

Seer666

Bingo. Cut and run. Much as it sucks, she a list of priorities for her life, and you are not one of them. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but it's the only way to put it. wish her well in life, and then throw away her number.

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PlanG

Went over for a chat and we've sorted it out; we both think we have cleared any existing animosity between us. I've said that if the pressure gets too much or she's upset then I'll be there for her to talk to, but don't want to be a "day-to-day friend" which I think she appreciated, and we were able to have a nice conversation, then left with a hug wishing each other luck at uni.

So overall I think that's the best outcome

Iliftrocks

Sounds like you're about to get strung along, just in case she ends up needing you......

I could be wrong, but.....

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

PlanG

nah. She said she'd like to be friends (a classic ), which I said I didn't want to be, but would be there if she needed help.

I'm probabs just a pussy, but there you go

Iliftrocks

Dude, been there done that. Being nice doesn't make you a pussy, but...


As my daddy always said, "You are what you eat?" Am I right???? Who's with me?

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

PlanG

I've got freshers week.. that's a fucking feast mate! I'm gonna be nothing else after that

curiousbear

Move on, dont look back. If it hurts fell it. Love is a wholesome affair, there is some pleasure, some pain, some learning, some meaning, and so on.
Always remember her, but move on.

lotsofmagnets

sheesh. you did exactly the right thing and she tells you you´re bitter? sounds like she liked the idea of having you cling so she could brush you off and feel cool about herself but when you said you´re fine with it being over suddenly she realised she´d lost you. no need to speak to her again, you´ve already made the 1st steps in later posts towards greater things
-----Added 9/9/2008 at 08 : 31 : 06-----
heh never thought of it that way. good call

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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

PlanG

Just want to say thanks guys. I might not have followed all the advice given to a 'T', but I'm glad I posted this thread as it really helped me out, as did talking to my friends.


Cheers!

Iliftrocks

Advice is just someone else's hindsight. It might not apply. Usually does, but there are no absolutes in love. Best you can do is listen to your buds, then make up your own mind.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

screamincheetah

Plan G, you have received wonderful advice here and it sounds like you're heading in the right direction. I'll tack mine on just to feel important and to hear myself talk... but if you read it, hopefully it helps

In my many experiences on both sides of your story, here's the end result....... If you're told to go away, go away and be happy she told you and didn't drag it out. I could say 10,000 words more and make it more poetic, but that's it. I think the movies make us think there's a romantic angle to these issues. Like you wanting to take champagne over. The movie's tell us that when you do that, you'll show her you care, she'll break down and tell you that she's just scared to love, you'll hold her and live happily everafter. It's not reality. When a person flips the switch in their head and wants to be done, they're done, and by talking, writing letters, and worrying about it, you're only wasting your time, hurting yourself, and making yourself look silly and like you have no other options which isn't attractive.

Never in your life when you've pictured the perfect relationship did it involve begging or talking a girl into liking you or staying with you. We've all done it, and almost all of us look back at those moments with disgust and hope we never do them again. The girl you should be with will like you from the beginning and will never tell you to go away.

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snowy

That's the damn truth. I think that's the thing with threads like these--almost all of us have been in PlanG's shoes, and while we want to help someone like PlanG avoid the same mistakes we ourselves have made, it's almost a rite of passage to go through something like this.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau