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PlanG · 09-03-2008, 02:24 PM

Really the only title I can think of atm.

Backstory:

I spent the last few years of my life finding girls I really like only to have them go for the "friend zone" so much so I had given up.
As soon as I did, I met a girl who literally ticked every box for me, by mistake (a serendipity if you will), and we were together for a month, interspersed by me going abroad for a week, and a weekend simultaneously away.

She has just been on a different continent for a month travelling, over which she got her results. She wasn't happy, because while she did amazingly well, she slipped up after getting complacent due to having nearly full marks the previous year (A-Levels here are over two years). She still has nearly top grades obtainable.

She's going to one of, if not the best arty universities in the country, if not the world to do a foundation, and wants to go on to do a full degree with only 30 places/year, despite 600 (apparently) people on the foundation, and other people applying to contend with when she applies for this next year.

I'm going to a uni about 1hr 30mins away by train, (around £16, so $30ish, although I don't know how this compares cost-of-living wise to the US).

Anyway, I've never been so excited in my life about anything as her coming back from her travels. I've only known her for the month but in this time I've found someone I truly admire, and could sit in a room with her in silence for hours yet still enjoy myself. I'm her first, so it's not a common thing for her either.

Yet, the first thing I hear from her after this month is an ominous "I just got back, I'm free now, can you come over. We need to talk".

Seriously, my heart has never pounded so hard - even after the mega gym-a-thon I just did - due to worry.

So I get there and the first thing she says is "We need to split up".

Her reasoning is that she slipped up this year, and needs to work even harder than she ever has to get into this course due to the demand.

She says that she doesn't want to fail, and end up blaming me or what have you.

Also that she'd rather split now, then try and down the line split and end up being bitter later.

I didn't really know what to say. I was completed crushed really I guess.
I spoke for an hour or two before leaving, saying I'd think and speak to her again on friday.

My point of view is pretty un-impartial at the moment obvioiusly, but with me:

I would feel far more bitter rather than splitting now and not even giving us a chance, but trying and failing - I'm not really a quitter, and to me this would be the mark of me becoming a shitter person. I mean - we might not even fail for christ's sake!
She can't care about me as much as she says, or she wouldn't do this to me
I can't see how meeting for a couple of weekends a term maybe would interfere with her work so much to stop it - she'll have a social life I reckon, or at least spare time, so why can't I be involved.
Many of my friends have done harder "feats". On the money front - my friend who is really poor, is doing a long distance to liverpool (very expensive in comparision), and one girl I know who had straight A's already due to 100%'s in modules, yet still revised, managed to keep a relationship going for a year to leeds, despite only being the relationship for a month.

She says it's best to stay friends, just not the relationship, and it would be the same, just without sex. However, I don't really care about the sex - hell I went years without it! But I think there are definite, indescribable and intangible, differences which make it a hard offer to accept.

I also could not take the pain of being just friends again(after so many of the "lets be friends" times) - I've been talking about being fair on her, this wouldn't be fair on me, since it's messed me up many, many times.

So my options I guess are,
Try my best at reasoning with her to reconsider(i've come up with a number of lines of reasoN) - hopefully positively.

However, if she doesn't I just can't see me wanting to keep in contact with her, as she isn't the person, determined to make things work, that I thought she was. I can't handle being just friends with her due to my issues with that, and it would be easier for me to just not speak to her.

I'll still pass on my letter I'd been writing while she was away to put into her suitcase before she went to uni (she leaves before me), just to see what she meant (and still does) to me.

I guess there isn't a real question to this post. I really needed to vent (although I have to my best friends today, and they've tended to agree with me, despite seeing her points of view).

She said she needed to be selfish as her life revolved around this course.

I find this quite a poor view on life, but I guess am I being selfish by wanting so badly to stay with her?
Is it selfish to not want to speak to her again ever due to my personal issues, if we do completely finish? (I say this. We are split up, but I still have hope of getting back).

I think the main thing for me to stress to her, when I speak to her, is how important it is for me to at least give it a go, rather than just not giving a crap and saying "it won't work"; this isn't my way of acting, and it would (she claimed she wanted to leave in the most amicable way) make me far more bitter to just give up than to give it a go, even if we finished on unsavoury terms. I'm already bitter about it ffs, and she only told me about 8 hours ago!

Thanks for anyone that had the stamina to read this. I've just been to a "crisis pub venture"

so have had a couple - hopefully it's still comprehensible!

Cheers.
George.

09-03-2008, 02:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
PlanG Crazy Location: England	:/ girl wants to break up with me Really the only title I can think of atm. Backstory: I spent the last few years of my life finding girls I really like only to have them go for the "friend zone" so much so I had given up. As soon as I did, I met a girl who literally ticked every box for me, by mistake (a serendipity if you will), and we were together for a month, interspersed by me going abroad for a week, and a weekend simultaneously away. She has just been on a different continent for a month travelling, over which she got her results. She wasn't happy, because while she did amazingly well, she slipped up after getting complacent due to having nearly full marks the previous year (A-Levels here are over two years). She still has nearly top grades obtainable. She's going to one of, if not the best arty universities in the country, if not the world to do a foundation, and wants to go on to do a full degree with only 30 places/year, despite 600 (apparently) people on the foundation, and other people applying to contend with when she applies for this next year. I'm going to a uni about 1hr 30mins away by train, (around £16, so $30ish, although I don't know how this compares cost-of-living wise to the US). Anyway, I've never been so excited in my life about anything as her coming back from her travels. I've only known her for the month but in this time I've found someone I truly admire, and could sit in a room with her in silence for hours yet still enjoy myself. I'm her first, so it's not a common thing for her either. Yet, the first thing I hear from her after this month is an ominous "I just got back, I'm free now, can you come over. We need to talk". Seriously, my heart has never pounded so hard - even after the mega gym-a-thon I just did - due to worry. So I get there and the first thing she says is "We need to split up". Her reasoning is that she slipped up this year, and needs to work even harder than she ever has to get into this course due to the demand. She says that she doesn't want to fail, and end up blaming me or what have you. Also that she'd rather split now, then try and down the line split and end up being bitter later. I didn't really know what to say. I was completed crushed really I guess. I spoke for an hour or two before leaving, saying I'd think and speak to her again on friday. My point of view is pretty un-impartial at the moment obvioiusly, but with me: I would feel far more bitter rather than splitting now and not even giving us a chance, but trying and failing - I'm not really a quitter, and to me this would be the mark of me becoming a shitter person. I mean - we might not even fail for christ's sake! She can't care about me as much as she says, or she wouldn't do this to me I can't see how meeting for a couple of weekends a term maybe would interfere with her work so much to stop it - she'll have a social life I reckon, or at least spare time, so why can't I be involved. Many of my friends have done harder "feats". On the money front - my friend who is really poor, is doing a long distance to liverpool (very expensive in comparision), and one girl I know who had straight A's already due to 100%'s in modules, yet still revised, managed to keep a relationship going for a year to leeds, despite only being the relationship for a month. She says it's best to stay friends, just not the relationship, and it would be the same, just without sex. However, I don't really care about the sex - hell I went years without it! But I think there are definite, indescribable and intangible, differences which make it a hard offer to accept. I also could not take the pain of being just friends again(after so many of the "lets be friends" times) - I've been talking about being fair on her, this wouldn't be fair on me, since it's messed me up many, many times. So my options I guess are, Try my best at reasoning with her to reconsider(i've come up with a number of lines of reasoN) - hopefully positively. However, if she doesn't I just can't see me wanting to keep in contact with her, as she isn't the person, determined to make things work, that I thought she was. I can't handle being just friends with her due to my issues with that, and it would be easier for me to just not speak to her. I'll still pass on my letter I'd been writing while she was away to put into her suitcase before she went to uni (she leaves before me), just to see what she meant (and still does) to me. I guess there isn't a real question to this post. I really needed to vent (although I have to my best friends today, and they've tended to agree with me, despite seeing her points of view). She said she needed to be selfish as her life revolved around this course. I find this quite a poor view on life, but I guess am I being selfish by wanting so badly to stay with her? Is it selfish to not want to speak to her again ever due to my personal issues, if we do completely finish? (I say this. We are split up, but I still have hope of getting back). I think the main thing for me to stress to her, when I speak to her, is how important it is for me to at least give it a go, rather than just not giving a crap and saying "it won't work"; this isn't my way of acting, and it would (she claimed she wanted to leave in the most amicable way) make me far more bitter to just give up than to give it a go, even if we finished on unsavoury terms. I'm already bitter about it ffs, and she only told me about 8 hours ago! Thanks for anyone that had the stamina to read this. I've just been to a "crisis pub venture" so have had a couple - hopefully it's still comprehensible! Cheers. George. Last edited by PlanG; 09-03-2008 at 02:30 PM..