flyboi

I have been dating this girl for about 9 months and she is NOT affectionate anymore. I am leaving for college in late August and we have decided to stay together. My goal is to try to come home once a month to visit her.
Recently, I've noticed a change in our relationship. She is just not affectionate. She does not go out of her way to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, bla bla bla. She tells me she loves me, but she does not show it at all.
I am "--" this close to breaking it off, simply because sticking through college is huge. I need to know if its going to be worth it, ya kno? She can be the sweetest and funniest person to be around. And I love being around her. Its just felt uncomfortable to be around her when I get that sense that she doesn't want to be around me. As you guys and girls may know...it hurts. I have kind of been a doormatt lately because i dont want her to forget about me. And i do love her. I cant say i love her because of "_____", but love is crazy, and its there.
I can tell that she is holding back from me. It may be because she doesnt want to get too attached before i leave.
I don't know how to talk to her, or initiate a convorsation about this topic with her. It feels like every time i try to bring this up she is just passive and says "sorry" but very quickly and not meaningfully. I dont want her to say sorry, i just want her to appreciate me. I recently helped her paint her whole house and there was lack of appreciation there. I also drive about 30-40 minutes every time i see her plus the drive back (and gas aint cheap lol). She just doesnt seem like she puts in an equal amount of energy into this relationship.
Any help would be nice. Thanks!!

The_Jazz

Talk to her and find out why this is. If you've been together for 9 months, you should be able to have a conversation about little stuff like this.

Before you go, just say, "look this is bothering me. We need to talk about this if we're going to try long distance. I need some affection in this relationship. If you can't provide that, then I don't know if we should bother."

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Bear Cub

My $.02, break it off now. If things aren't perfect now, and she's showing reluctance towards making things work when you're still together, it will never last, especially through college. Save yourself the grief later.

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kurty[B]

I'll side with Bear Cub. I experienced the same thing parting high school and her going to college. I made the effort to make the 3+ hour drive to see her every other weekend, to walk in on her and her new boyfriend on a "surprise" special visit one weekend.

If you really want to try and make it work, take Jazz' advice and try and talk to her about it. Let her know you would like some affection. Otherwise, it will just get worse when you really are in a long-distance relationship. Either way, talk to her about it, or part your ways, but save yourself the heartbreak later on because you did not take action now.

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abaya

She might be trying the passive-aggressive way to "get" you to break up with her, so that she doesn't have to do it. If I were you, I would ask her directly if this is the case, and if so, is that what she really wants? If not, then it will open up the discussion to other reasons for her behavior. Just a simple non-accusatory question, in a quiet moment, can get this conversation going...

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Tully Mars

Yeah, sounds to me like maybe she wants to move on but doesn't want to be the "bad person."

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flyboi

The thing is, she somewhat adds a guilt trip by saying stuff like "i dont know what i would do without you." I think she wants me there but she's afraid she may get hurt and that i'll find somone else in college. My friend reminded me that 'I'm leaving her, she's staying home'. Also to put myself in her shoes, how would it feel if she left for college. Its all these different factors thats holding me back....
And thanks for the advice!

abaya

Yeah, but you actually need to sit down and GET those thoughts out. Quit conjecturing about what she might or might not be feeling, thinking, etc. Sit down, give her a hug (if she'll let you), and start the conversation. There's no way out except up... start climbing.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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flyboi

Too bad ladders dont work on girls. But yeah, thats what i'm going to do. Thanks for the help, much appreciated.

surferlove007

I would say break it off now. Enjoy your freshman year without anyone to worry about at home. I broke up with a BF before leaving, best decision of my life. We were headed down different paths and he wasn't included in my college path.
I also met James and we're coming up on 2 years next month. Its a new time in your life, new experiences. The key to making long distance work is communication. If you can't communicate with eachother while you're local, I can't imagine it getting better when you're away.

Just my $.02

levite

It sounds to me like she's conflicted. If I had to guess, she wants to move on, but being in a relationship with you is safe. It's unfortunate for you that she doesn't seem to be able to put these feelings into words.

In either case, I'm afraid I would have to advise you not to prolong the agony. Make it a point to begin a conversation with her with an object of resolving everything not being talked about. If she will talk, great. If not, do your best to be kind. Although she might always say something completely unexpected that will explain everything in such a way as to let your relationship proceed, I wouldn't hold my breath. I think both of you will ultimately be best served by breaking it off. The upside appears to be that you seem like a solid young man, and it should be reasonably possible for you to break this off in a mature and respectful way, so that you can remain friends. I know, that's an awfully thin silver lining to a fairly largish cloud.

But I think in time, you'll both appreciate a clean and mature ending to the relationship, at this point in your lives when so much is changing already.

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jewels

Exactly. We don't know what she's feeling or what she wants.

Find out. You'll know how to handle it then.

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thespian86

I'd say GG's got it right, but to add:

The girl I was dating for the past few hundred years used to do this. Get distant when she wasn't part of every part of my life.

You need separation. And not necessarily from the relationship, just some space for clarity. You can't buy that stuff, but it's one of the best things on the market.

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ItWasMe

I was that girl, not too long ago. My husband was preparing to leave for 2 years, to go to war in Afghanistan (and from the things he saw, it was a war). I became emotionally and physically distant. Short tempered. I started fights over very small things.

He saw through this. During one of my tirades, he hugged me and wouldn't let me go. Then he asked me, "You're pushing me away, aren't you? I think it's because I'm leaving, and bad things can happen to me. Does all of this make it easier for you to deal with my leaving? Because it doesn't make it easier for me. It makes it a hellofa harder."

And I cried. Because he was right. And I stopped fighting and pushing him away. I tried to make our remaining time together special.

Granted, we have been married for well over a decade, and we are probably twenty years older than you are. It could be something similar. Or, it could be that everyone else is right. Feel free to borrow my hubby's tactic and even his line if you think it would help start the conversation. You may decide to make your remaining time special, then agree to see other people as well as each other, instead of exclusively. (In my case, married with 3 kids, it was not an option.) Find out what she's thinking.

Well, just thought this might help. Good luck.

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speshul-k

While I do agree with the majority of the posts here re: breaking things off. There has to be some sort of further reason for this lack of affection. I would really recommend talking to her at the very least before you do anything else. At least from there you can make a better judgement call.

Best of luck with it, either way. Its not an easy thing to handle by any means.