denim

Why haven't you had them?

I find myself rationalizing that I shouldn't have kids for health reasons, but it's just that: rationalization.

It makes me sad that my mom feels like some kind of failure since neither of her kids have paired off, let alone had kids of their (our) own. We're both successful in the sense that we support ourselves, but neither of us has an SO, let alone is married or has kids.

It's just such a hassel to try to meet people. Clearly, I'm just too fucking lazy.

Lebell

Plain and simple,

my ex didn't want children and I loved her enough that I married her anyway.

While we didn't break up over this, but it is now one of my regrets.

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rogue49

I would love to have them.

But it helps to have someone who will stick around for the long haul,
and will support you as much as you do them.

That's a challenge unto itself.
Love & lust are not everything.

This needs to happen BEFORE I have children.
I am NOT going to have them, just to prove my vertility
or satify my own selfish desires.

shaq=ignorance

I have decided that I would like to have the time and dedication for my children (unless an accident happens), and finish my education before having them. I think parenthood is a major life changing experience, and I would like to be prepared to make the life altering changes to help prepare me to become a parent. At this point in my life I do not have the time nor the energy to embark on the role of parenthood. Lastly, I need to get more traveling in before the kids dominate my time.

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denim

Note, I'm specifically asking for responses from people over 30.

micah67

I'm 35. My gf is 42. She is so set on not wanting them she's tied her tubes. I'm enjoying being a kid with an adult's salary; I don't want the responsibility. Both of my younger sisters have children so Mom&Dad have their grandparent fix. More rationilization: There's too many people in the world? Works for me!

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mtsgsd

I'm 42 and she's 41. We both consider this to be too late, but there's also the fact that there are several downs syndrome babies in the family (her side), and the risk for this goes up when a woman hits 40. We'll just have to do without.

whiteboy

I'm just turning 30 next month and have never wanted children. This has broken up two long term relationships even though both women knew from day one I didn't like children. Maybe I'm being selfish but I still prefer to have my time and finances to myself.

lurkette

I just turned 30 and while I'm still technically on the fence about having kids, I've just about fallen off completely onto the side that involves surgical sterilization.

Why no kids?
1. Don't want em
2. Don't want em
3. Don't want em

That's pretty much it - there are lots of other reasons - I am a carrier for a genetic disorder that, while not life-threatening, involves a lot of health issues; I enjoy my life the way it is - good friends, can do pretty much what I want when I want; I enjoy my relationship with my husband exactly the way it is; the words "college tuition" scare the shit out of me; I HATE the idea of being pregnant - eeeyew.

For every one of these reasons there's probably an equally compelling reason to go ahead and have kids, but like I said - the main reason I don't have kids and probably won't is...I just don't want to.

Question for you - do you want to have kids? I can't really tell from your post. On the one hand, it sounds like you kind of want to meet someone and have kids but are too lazy; on the other hand, it sounds like you're feeling pressured by your mom (oy!). The most important factor in the equation is what YOU want. Your mom doesn't have to get up with a baby at 2 in the morning, or deal with chicken pox, or pay for the dreaded college tuition. If she feels disappointed or sad, those are her feelings. Ask yourself what you want (although it's hard to know sometimes), what makes you happy?

I don't buy the bit about being "too lazy," BTW. I may very well be off base but I think if you haven't been trying to find someone, it's because you don't want to, for whatever reason - afraid of rejection, don't want an SO right now, whatever. If you want a relationship, tell your brain to shush and go find one! But if you don't want one right now, don't beat yourself up about it by calling yourself lazy.

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denim

I'm not sure. I can come up with reasons either way.

warrrreagl

Medical reasons.

However, even if it were not the case, we would still have held off this far (I'm 42, she's 39) because our lives are not in a position to be good parents. We both love kids, but hate to see them stuck with folks who never should have had kids to begin with. I have a brother and sister who both have kids, and they are excellent parents. I have another sister who is childless like we are, even though we would all be great parents, too.

Once our situation changes (probably first of the year), we will look into adoption.

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ganon

I am mid thirties, and have three kids, and I love em' and can't imagine not having them, but I am in no way a kid nazi, in that if you get married you gotta have kids. It is an issue that should be agreed upon before marriage, cause it will cause horrible dissagreements down the road. If you want to spend some time around kids, do the big brother program or something like it. Volunteer at the YMCA. But don't have them if you don't want to. I think about the money and effort that goes into it, and the sacrifices I make (all of the cool toys I could afford if I didn't have kids!!!!) and just figure it's the trade off. I like having a 14 yr old boy around to mow my yard and lug my guitar equipment around!!

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mrquackers

I'm 36. She's 32. Main reason is we just got married a year ago. But we want to have a few years to ourselves before we start a family.

That said, the thought of changing diapers and enduring sleepless nights at 40 and beyond is terrifying.

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BigBlue66

Man, I tell ya, if I had it to do all over again...I would have waited to have kids. We got married when we were both 18 (now 49) and wham bam had two boys right off the bat, 10 months apart.

Those boys put us through hell, especially in their rebellious teens. I still remember the night my oldest kid came home from a party with one side of his head completely shaved, while the other side still had hair down to his shoulders. I damn near had a heart attack that night.

Yeah, there were some good times before they were teens. Now they're all grown up and have apologized to us for the crap they both gave us during those hellish years.

We now have two beautiful granddaughters, four and seven, and a two-year old grandson. They are the lights of our lives. I always heard that you should have the grandchildren first and now I know why.

We love our boys and always have, but those teen years can kill you and the parenting job never stops. Your children never really grow out of the terrible twos, they just get taller.

I'm sorry denim, I know you wanted to hear from people w/o kids but couldn't resist telling my story. Hope it's OK.

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denim

It's good, it just makes me feel a little worse. Not your fault.

Honestly, I wonder if my response to the shaved head would have been laughter. Might be amusing to see his face if you did, no? You just had to look at him. He had to live with it.

BigBlue66

Yeah, I guess you make a good point about the laughter. But remember this is right in the middle of those years where we were constantly stressed out from the crap they pulled.

It's all subjective you know.

Sorry, didn't mean to make you feel worse about having kids. My co-worker is dealing with a 16 year-old daughter that's putting him through the same crap that our boys did us. I tell him that someday she'll grow up and apologize for all of it, but of course that doesn't make him feel any better today.

It all depends on how you raise your kids, too. Maybe we screwed up along the way, since we were both just kids when we had kids. That's why I wish we would have waited. Oh well.

Main thing to remember about having kids is to make sure you yourself are grounded in this life, that is, financially, emotionally and spiritually. That would make the experience more rewarding I'm sure.

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denim

In that case, I'm not ready yet. By the time I'm ready, no appropriate woman will be interested. (shrug)

Big Julie

Don't discount step-children. At 36, I became step to an 8yr-old girl, and we get on great.
Of course, the missus(a year younger than me) and I look at our 16 month-old, and wonder what the hell we were thinking, since we'd orginally not planned any more chirruns...
You just never know how things are gonna work out, and have to go with it.
If you'd told me ten years ago, that I would, at 38, be a stay-at-home-dad, with a pre-teen and a toddler, I'd have had a good laugh.

Had I the option of a 'do-over', it's hard to say what I would choose. I am not particulary ego-centric, and have not minded centering my world on someone else.

yournamehere

My wife and I met when we were both 36 - so the window was closing on us already. Added to that shortly thereafter was a botched surgery on my wife that left her disabled. The thought of her chasing a 2-year-old around the house was unimagineable, so we have remained childless. Although we both would have liked to have had children, we have found that being childless is survivable.

The biggest problem is that we seemed to get invited less and less to friends' functions, because their lives (and any conversation) revolve around their kids.

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william

Something you have to realize is that kids do NOT make you who you are. it's YOUR life - not your parents. Do not have (or not have) children because of them. It's your life - Call It!

Bobaphat

Why do you need to rationalize it. Not everyone is up to being a parent. Thats ok, theres nothing wrong with that.

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denim

I don't like feeling like an end-point.

rogue49

Denim, I'm 35, you're just a few of years older than me.
You still have time,
men don't have the physical time restrictions as women might.

Find someone you want to be with,
discuss their goals and desires with yours,
and then figure out it you want to invest the effort.

No worries.

denim

It's more a matter of the age bracket of woman I see myself as likely to attract has reached the mid-40s. That's a problem. Younger ones would make it possible. Older ones, well, I don't like to tempt fate. Downs Syndrome is not something to inflict on anyone.

YourNeverThere

i think this thread said for people with over 30 kids hahahahaawwww i need to learn to read

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gibber71

I'm 2 years from 40 and I won't have kid's.Hell, I'm trying to find a women who comes with a house and a high paying job,so that when we are married,she can live in her house.

Frowning Budah

Very hard question. There are a lot of different reasons we didn't.
Wife's health played into it. I think the biggest reason for me was I didn't want to take the chance of being a bad parent. I believe that parenting is a very hard job that two people have to do well. You can't just give it a shot and hope for the best. Neither my wife and I thought we had the right talents to be good parents.
I know that is most people thought that much about it the human race would have died out year ago. And I think most people end up doing a pretty good job. I just wish everyone had to seriously evaluate their abilities before they commit to children.

reconmike

Really quick summary here, I have a 20 year old step-daughter who has given me a grandson, I am 41 my wife is 38, we each have 12 year old children from a previous marrige, and we have a 3 year old together, so I had a daughter at 38.
I liked my life semi-peaceful life before my daughter, but now the love in her eyes does it all for me.

The band Live has a song, and on one lyric it says I dont need no one to tell me about heaven, I look at my daughter and I believe.
I am slower, and much more peaceful than I was, and I think it is a perfect time in my life to raise a child.

Sorry about the parent over 30 response, but I had to add a counter-point.

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frankx

Many people have very valid reasons why they don't want to have kids, health issues being a key issue among them. Not wanting to take a chance in passing on a serious health condition to your offspring is a valid, wise choice.

I am 38, my GF is 29. We are both healthy and make well into six figures with our combined incomes. I have always known that I never wanted children. She is a preschool teacher and while she and I both love children, we take great exception to the notion that we absolutely MUST have children of our own.

The majority of the matter lies in the fact that most people that have kids do it simply because it is ritualistic human nature. Their parents did it, their parents' parents did it and so on. What is becoming more common is people who are saying "just because I CAN do it, should I?". People automatically see it as an intrinsic basic human desire, but is it really what people truly want?

There are many people out there who bear children, then realize too late that they really didn't want them. If they would have only put thought, prayer and planning into it, instead of acting on a base natural human reproductive instinct, then they may have been able to make the right decision (for them anyway) and spared their child a life of alienation from the affection of a parent who found too late that they never wanted children. It's sad and it happens far too often.

So many people thoughtlessly have kids for the wrong reasons:

1. They want to keep their marriage together. If the marriage is screwed up to begin with, then adding a baby to the mix won't help. It will only hurt the child when the parents inevitably realize that some things just can't be fixed.

2. They want to give their parents grandchildren. This is not entirely a bad reason if this is an added bonus of reproducing, but having kids solely for this reason is not good. I consider any parent who pressures their children to reproduce just so they can have little grandchildren to cuddle to be a little on the selfish side.

3. My kid might cure cancer someday. Your kid may also become the next Bundy/Manson/Dahmer/Gacy. Think long and hard about it before you permanently put your foot in your mouth by making this statement.

4. Babies are so cute and cuddly. Ah yes, babies are cute and cuddly, but they grow and become destructive, messy toddlers, then become defiant, unruly children and last but not least become sullen, angry teenagers. Granted that this doesn't happen in all cases, but people have their heads in the clouds if they think it never does. One trip to the shopping mall on any given Saturday will snap most people back to reality.

5. God said we should "be fruitful and multiply" - That was when there was only a few dozen people on the planet. There are now in excess of six billion. You can stop now.

I could go on all day with this.

Suffice it to say that I firmly believe that not all people are meant to be parents.

Much thought, prayer and planning should go into the conception and raising of children, even by people who are competent, healthy and financially able to successfully do so. There are many people with multiple children who have no business being around children, much less having their own. A certain reclusive celebrity springs to mind as a prime example.

If you are questioning yourself about having children, and you find within yourself that you just don't want to do it, know that you are not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you.

Your mother shouldn't feel like a failure. She's raised someone who is seriously considering matters that are very important, and not just acting on base instinct, like so many others do.

I certainly won't blow smoke up your ass and tell you that "you'll find someone someday!" Maybe you won't, but if you do, please plan, pray and think long and hard before having (or not having) children. You'll be glad you did.

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Diceman

I've always believed that once you have kids your whole life revolves around them. I want my life, and in fact everyone else's, to revolve around me.

denim

Frankx: Good ansa, man. I appreciate it.

Diceman: heh! We're all figments of your imagination. Didn't you know that?

frankx

Anytime!!!

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ols

just get a dog

denim

Dogs suck ass. :-p I've already got a cat.

Rodney

I never felt strongly about it and my wife was somewhat negative. She said she'd try if I really wanted one (she has health problems and she was just about too old at that point), but frankly I didn't want one that bad and any risk to her was unacceptable.

Frankly, we're two grown-up kids who are raising each other. We're very close, much closer than a lot of married couples I know, and neither of us need a child to feel completed or give us purpose, nor worry about passing on our genetic heritage (we both have about eight zillion cousins). We have a lot of interests that involve doing things for the good of others, so I think that's where our nurturing drive plays out.

Hope this helps.

denim

Volunteer work, eh? Not a bad idea, at that.