silentbob

hello tfp'ers,

i dont know where to start this or how i should go about explaining. i'm not here for pity points, or trying to get sympathy, i'm just really in need of some good advice.

my life has been pretty complicated, my parents have been married for a long time. however for the first 13-14 years of my life i spent living with my mother and other family members. i do not wish to go into detail as it isnt very pertinent to my post.

anyways fast forward a few years, because my mother is a very religious woman, she has put up with the whole ordeal throughout her life. she thought it was only right to move back in with my father.

so here i am now, i never really had a true relationship with my father as i spent most of my life with my mother and relatives. since i am in college, i dont have to put up with the awkwardness as much, but i sometimes feel really uncomfortable around my father.

to get to the point, i've recently found really nasty notes my father leaves for my mom to read while shes not at home. i will not go into exactly what these notes say, but they are somewhere along the lines of how she fails to be a proper house keeper etc etc. please keep in mind that she also works a full time job, as does my father.

these notes are really bothering me, i cant imagine what it does mentally to my mom... most of the time when im home from college, i hope i find these notes before my mom does and i usually shred it before she can read them.

i feel so lost, i dont know what i should do, im literally tearing up typing this... most of all i just feel bad for my mom having to put up with this during her lifetime. she deserves much much better. dont get me wrong, i dont want my father to sound like a complete villan, its just like somethings just not clicking in his head. sometimes hes really nice, and sometimes i dont even want to talk about it.

anyways, do you guys have any advice as to what i should do? i know i should probably man up and talk to my dad about this, but like i said before, it is REALLY weird for me to initiate a conversation with him, much less talk about something negative.

thanks for reading.

Psycho Dad

First there is nothing wrong with that. You love your mother and you recognize what your father does with these notes is wrong. but you are going to get to a point that you are going to have to address your father about this.

When you do, be prepared for what you want to tell him and resist the urge to cry then. I suspect that your father may leave these notes as a means to try to control your mother or at least make her feel bad about herself. If your dad is a controlling person, he will see you as a person to be controlled with emotion as well.

Of course I have no proof that your father is controlling, but from what you posted...

What do these notes say?

__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

Kpax

Well, my main curiosity, here, is what religion is involved that you speak of. I think I might have an idea...

Anyway, a son is usually the best person to talk some sense into a dad, despite the awkwardness involved, and especially if it concerns how mom is being treated.

I can't really relate, because my mom always wore the pants in the home, for both of her marriages (neither of which was my real father as I found out at 23).

Willravel

Being a son is simply about being. It's the father that has a lot to do in the relationship. The only thing I'd say is to be patient and try to be understanding. Besides that, it's up to him.

Good luck.

Edit: sorry, I just skimmed it the first time. Sounds like your dad doesn't understand that it's his responsibility to respect his wife, your mother. If you're interested in speaking to him, sit him down and give him a man to man. "Dad, if you have something to say to mom or I, say it to our faces. If you see something that needs to be done around the house, then man up and do it. I don't want to see any more of this passive aggressive behavior anymore."

silentbob

Psycho Dad - the notes say "are somewhere along the lines of how she fails to be a proper house keeper"

i wouldnt say my dad is a controlling person, but its hard for him to show any kind of emotion :S

Kpax - christianity, i didnt want to post it to influence any responses, but i dont think it would matter.



i guess theres no other option other than manning up and talking to him. :S

abaya

Honestly, if I were you, I'd have a hard time holding myself back from kicking my dad in the balls (at least verbally, if not physically). That is just some messed-shit that I wouldn't be able to stand by and watch.

I don't know what all else goes on between your parents, but just from the little bit you tell us, I'd venture to guess that a lot of emotional abuse goes on, if not (more) verbal abuse. And your mom may be religious and all, but I don't think Jesus would want people to stay in a position like that all their lives... hell, he got pissed off in the temple and broke out his whip to kick everyone's ass.

Have you tried talking with your mom about this? Asking her how she feels and sees the whole thing? Doesn't your dad consider the fact that you must see the notes he leaves? I'd address him as a man and ask him what kind of example he thinks he's setting for you, and where he learned to treat a woman like that and think it was okay.

Uggh, this kind of thing gets me going. I hate manipulative people, especially when it's their own spouse they're abusing. Best of luck man, and let us know how it goes.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

silentbob

I talked to her about it at the dinner table, and she says shes learned to not take it so harshly and to "forgive." I dont see how she can do it so easily. I'm not as religious as she is, but I was brought up a christian. I too, cannot understand why she didnt just leave and find someone else.

In essence she didnt seem angry at all, she just told me that what hes doing is wrong, and when I become a father, I should set a better example.

abaya

Well, at least she sees it as "wrong." Now, why she doesn't value her own happiness enough to rectify the "wrongness," that's something only she knows.

I was a Christian, too, for a long time. I was taught to forgive, and I did so, for many years. But what I found was that I was becoming a doormat for a lot of people and things, and that eventually started to make me more and more angry. I think I'm still dealing with a lot of that residual anger, after repressing it for so long. I can't imagine what would happen if I repressed all that for my whole life... I suppose I wouldn't want to ever wake up and deal with it, because it would be too much. Maybe that's where your mom is at.

That's one (of many) things about Christianity that I cannot live with... at least, American Evangelical Christianity, and ESPECIALLY how it influences women (e.g. to be the "follower" in the household, let the man control everything, etc). I think Jesus would be very sad about what the church has influenced people to do, and what kind of lives they live as a sign of devotion to him... when really, it has nothing to do with Jesus and everything to do with "traditional" patriarchy and oppression of women over thousands of years.

It's as if women aren't allowed to be angry, otherwise they become less godly and pure... uggh. Which sets them up to be perfect victims of abuse, who believe they're doing the "right" thing by never standing up for themselves. Sorry, I find it to be total bullshit... and I am so sorry to hear that it has entrapped your mom.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

jorgelito

I don't think religion has much to do with it. I come from a conservative Christian oriented family. The women rule. I am not sure where some people get the idea that Christianity represses women, they may be confused with Islam. So don't let that give you the wrong impression. In fact, I think the religion has made us stronger.

Anyways, to answer your question, you have a few options.

1. Leave it alone. It's not your business. It's between your mom and your dad. She made the choice.

However, you can choose to intervene if you really want to but it can get nasty. There is a reason kids are not advised to get in the middle of family disputes. If you decide to interfere, you can elect to:

2. Confront your dad. And be forceful. Man to man. Don't back down. He lost the right to be your father when he left you so don't pussy out and get all emotional. It's perfectly fine to defend or protect your mom. Tell him to knock it off and that he has no right to treat her that way etc, etc. Does he pay rent? Do you pay rent? Be careful here.

Do you have siblings? Get them involved and form a united front. Otherwise, man up. Be assertive. Be a man. Don't let your dad get away with that crap.

3. If she is religious, you can go to the Church to interfere. Talk to the pastor/priest, reverend (someone she trusts) and tell them your mom is being abused and that God doesn't like it when his children are being abused. She might be more apt to listen to the clergy.

4. Are you religious? If so, pray. Prayer works. You will find solace and serenity and calm. And in the end, you will find the answer.

Good luck.