Merlocke

Ok, so I'm going to meld two questions together.
If you were truly in a relationship with your "true love" as they say - and you got that whole option to be stuck stranded on a desert island with someone, would you honesty always pick your significant other?

I understand that opposites attract, but at what point are two people just too different to be together? What about people that are too much the same? Now imagine if you will a strange balance in between the two. Does anyone else live in my world?

Every once in awhile you just exchange looks and can read each other's mind. Other times, you're on such a different wavelength that you wonder how the hell you got together in the first place.

Is there such a thing really as a perfect balance? I know it's unhealthy to be together 24/7 - but let's get back to the whole desert island. I understand eventually people run out of interesting things to talk about, but sometimes I wonder how long that lasts until the relationship begins to become stagnant for both sides. How long can you truly just enjoy silence, and just being in each other's presence without driving each other crazy? And how long do you need to be apart to have time to miss each other?

All rhetorical questions I know, but I guess I just had to get it off my mind, and into writing just somewhere, anywhere, and to hear the voices of others pondering the same thought.

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-=[ Merlocke ]=-

ratbastid

You've got your finger on exactly where people are messed up about love.

Some of you know, I lead these seminars on self-expression and personal freedom and creativity (PM me if you want more info about that). I was talking to this guy once who had EVERYTHING in his life. Very successful business, great kids, a couple hot cars, big house, prestige, even moderate fame on a local level. "But," he confided to me, "I don't love my wife anymore. What should I do?"

"Love your wife," I said.

"You're not listening to me. I said I don't love her any more. I really want your advice on this."

"I heard you. My advice is: love your wife. Love is a verb. You're waiting for love to fall on your head or something. But there's no such thing as love out there in the world like that. Generating love is your job, unless and until you say it's not."

See, all this stuff we "know" about how relationships go over time... it's total crap. People are either generating love or they're not, and then they get what they get. And that's really and truly the end of the story.

ShaniFaye

After almost 4 years, how long does Dave have to be gone for me to miss him? As long as it takes for him to get to the end of the driveway anytime he leaves the house.

Would I pick him to be on a deserted island with? 100% without a doubt yes. We do not have to be "interacting" all the time to enjoy each others company. We can both site on the couch forever on our respective laptops, or me working on genealogy while he watches some movie I have no interest in, and its STILL means more to me than when I do all that stuff alone when he's out of the country.

Stagnant is not a word that surfaces in our relationship

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Merlocke

Thanks ratbastid for your words of wisdom. I remember that story from someplace, love being a verb - the reminder and application are much appreciated.

ShaniFaye, thank you for expressing your point of view as well. I do like being around my wife even if we're not necessarily interacting, so sharing your experiences has helped remind me of what I'm grateful for.

The funny thing is that I am the person in the story that ratbastid spoke of, it's just that I didn't completely stop loving my wife - I just had to be reminded about it being something we had to work on. As the one being responsible for the leadership role, trailblazing, and what not for the company and for the good of others, sometimes it is truly a great feeling to know that if you slip, or fall - that others are there to catch you and help you back up.

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-=[ Merlocke ]=-

Martian

Am I going to say it? Am I? Well, yeah, I guess I have to.

ratbastid speaks the truth.

I remember when I stumbled across that particular realization very well; it'd be difficult for me not to remember it, as it more or less changed my entire outlook on life (it was a paradigm shift, for you fancy business types).

What it more or less comes down to is that love, like a great many things, is not something that happens to us. It is, rather, a choice we make. Thus, it behooves us to take an active approach to it. Be romantic. Choose to spend time with your partner. Choose to be faithful. Choose to love her. If you sit passively without making those choices, if you fail to follow through on the act of loving someone, your relationship will stagnate and eventually fail. But if you do make that decision, to love that person to the best of your ability every day, you will find that love is one of the most rewarding endeavors you've ever undertaken.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

abaya

Why are you responsible for the leadership role?

Martian speaks the truth, as well... bolding mine, but I love the way you expressed the personal responsibility we all have to maintain love in our lives. That is the key to a good marriage (that and sharing household chores, as was recently found in a Pew Research Center study )

Yep, love is not for the passive, for those who want to sit back and let life happen to them. You make it happen. If one or both people get stagnant... it's tough to recover from that. But so easy to prevent, if you make the choices every day. You have to choose it.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

xepherys

Hmmm, I don't agree with RatBastid AT ALL. Yes, love is a verb. Yes, love sometimes takes a bit of work. However...

If there is no love, falsely "generating love" isn't really beneficial to either party. If you are in love with someone, and you work to make things even better, that's ideal. If you re in love with someone, and things just work out naturally between you, that's pretty good. If you are not in love with someone, forcing yourself to become so is not really the best option. It's actually rather similar to "staying together for the kids" which most professionals believe to be unhealthy. In fact, those things kind of go hand in hand in some situations. If you are not happy with your mate, then perhaps it's time to move on. If you are happy, but there are occasional issues, then working to persevere and make things better is the best way to go.

Merlocke, as to your OP, I think it varies from couple to couple. My ex-gf and I loved each other very much. But we couldn't be together for the length of a weekend without driving each other crazy. It had nothing to do with our emotions for each other, just how our personalities meshed. My wife and I could sit together in a room for eternity and be happy simply for each others company. Well, that might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but realistically, we don't "tire" of each other. I'm not saying I love her more than my ex (I do, but for this example it's moot), I'm saying that our personalities mesh far better and we enjoy each other's company significantly more.

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BBtB

But xepherys, I believe atleast, that the man ratbastid spoke to was wanting to love his wife. You know what I mean? It wasn't about forcing someone who didn't want to into it, he wanted to love her he just didn't realize it was as simple a thing as just doing it.

In regards to the OP. First off, yes. If I knew my true love I would defintly take her with me to a dessert island. Also, when I find the girl whom I seek we will never run out of things say to one another, we will sit and talk about nothing for hours. Er, its very easy to be to differnt to be together. As far as oppisites atracting, it depends on what we are talking about. The reason people think that they are often looking at surface things and not core values. Core values HAVE to match (atleast mostly... trust me they can not be total opisite even if they are not exactly the same) Like you can have differnt poltical views but one of you can't be a hardened criminal and the other a cop because you want to change the world. Now as far as is there such a thing as a perfect balance? I sure as hell hope so because thats what I am looking for and I don't settle.

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Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ...

"I would like about three fiddy"

Malaka

Who would I choose to be stuck with on a desert island? Definitely my wife. But in all honesty I love time to myself and she doesn't give me nearly enough of that. So the stuck-on-an-island thing would be more than a bit of a strain for me.

Can I imagine too different and too similar coexisting in a relationship? Yes, Merlocke, we may just live in the same zip code! My wife and I share the same values and my values mean more to me than anything else. She is the only person I have ever met that I can say that about and that's why I love her. But our interests are so different that it is sometimes very hard for me to enjoy conversing with her (and vice versa). Basically, her interests bore me to tears (she says she does not particularly care about a lot of the things that I get excited about either). She also has some very annoying habits. Sometimes she seems only able to focus on the most trivial aspects of what I'm talking about. Other times she'll interrupt me to point out the most mundane things going on with the people in our surroundings - right as I'm telling her something that is important to me (and what she's interrupting me with is important to her and urgent, she tells me, because that person can only be noticed at that moment).

Abaya brought up household chores and, I agree, looking at that situation in a marriage tells a lot. And my partner and I are both guilty in our relationship of holding to roles. We profess all the time to wanting to change and yet, clearly, find "safety" in codependency.

We have been married for eight and a half years. No, I don't always have that "in love" feeling. Sometimes she gets on my nerves, sometimes she just tires me. But I always come back around to feeling excited about what will come next for us. We have grown so much together that we are no longer the same people that we were when we met. I can't imagine my life without her and I know that personal growth, for me, means dealing with the issues that I believe that I have with her.

Merlocke

Again, I appreciate the insight people have shared on this thread. I think that I'm past the "are we really compatible" question - (and it's a "yes" btw). Now I just have to work on my other quirks

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-=[ Merlocke ]=-

hagatha

That is probably one of the more thought provoking posts I've ever read here.
Thanks Rat.

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