amire

Hey, everyone. I'm usually a lurker, but I thought that I'd come out of my shell and ask a question to the group as a whole. It concerns people who seem to be "better than you" in every possible way.

I know a few guys who just seem to be better people, all around, than I am. They are more active in the community than I am. They are just as smart as I, if not smarter. They seem to genuinely care about others and have a sense of duty about helping to improve the world. They make good grades (I'm a college kid), have attractive and kind girlfriends, and seem very self-confident. It just seems that they've got their lives completely together. I find myself very jealous of these people. I don't think that I could POSSIBLY attain their levels of sociality, humanity, kindness, or intelligence no matter how hard I tried. It just seems to be unreachable. So my question to the forum is this: how do you deal with the inferiority complex that comes with knowing people that you feel are "better than you" ?

The obvious answer, and the thing that I tell myself constantly, is that these people are NOT better than I am. They simply are better at projecting a self-confident image. Everyone has his skeletons in the closet, and these people must, as well. But this does not help to get the jealousy to go away. And the simple image these people project -- the illusion of having it all together -- still remains. I can't get it out of my mind that I'm not completely satisfied with where I am, what I'm doing, or what my talents are.

I'm sure many people experience this phenomenon, so I was wondering what you guys think about this. I'm sure we've got some interesting stories waiting to be told.

If this thread has already been made, PLEASE shut my post down and direct me to the previous discussion. But I didn't see anything like this when I searched.

Thanks!

catback

Can't say I've ever been in your shoes but there are a few ways I can think of to help the situation. You can better yourself, learn they aren't as great as they seem, move away from them, and/or you can eliminate them. I don't really recommend the latter two and I expressly don't recommend elimination. The former two though are ok though. What you really need to do is get out of the "grass is greener on the other side" bit, even if it does look greener it doesn't mean you'll enjoy living on the other side of the fence and more so doesn't mean you'll stop eying other lawns. If you want your lawn greener, your in college, you have the time and opportunity to make it so. So stop looking and start working on your own lawn and soon enough the other guy will be looking at your lawn and yearning it.

Willravel

Better is relative. I'm better than some people at playing music. People are better than I am at speling. Even overall, judgment of being better or worse is subjective. Some people might think they are better or worse than I am, but I could very well disagree. Who's right? Both, neither. If you see room in your life for improvment and you have the drive, by all means improve yourself. There are rarely glass ceilings in self improvement. If you wanted to improve yourself physically, you could spend hours every day exercising and studying. Would you ever be finished improving yourself? Depends on your goal. Theoritically one could improve one's self endlessly.

amire

Ah, yes, I forgot to mention this. I think that another reason that people like me are so distressed is that our natural talents are so natural to us that we don't view them as talents. And therefore we won't ascribe as much importance to them.

For example, suppose someone wishes that he could, say, pick up girls as well as Tom. From Tom's point of view, picking up girls is so natural that he doesn't even consider it as a criteria to measure someone's worth. In the same way, I don't consider my strengths when I measure myself against someone...I only highlight my weaknesses and his strengths.

I hope I'm not the only one who thinks this way sometimes. I was sure that this was a common feeling among humans. Perhaps I was wrong.

Elphaba

Although I am quite excellent at speling and many are jealoos of my ability, I have another viewpoint. Those that you deem more accomplished than yourself are the very people you want in your life as an example of what you hope to achieve. With great good fortune, one or more of these people may choose to be your mentor.

Consider the alternative that you are the "high mark" among the people you associate with. Where would you find the drive to strive for greater accomplishment?

Great topic, by the way.

dawnoffawn

Remember this: the other guy might have some things that are better than you, but believe me you are better than him in other things. No one is perfect. Maybe the difference is is that that other person reveals his good traits other than hiding them. Or maybe h'es just that confident type.
Confidence is one of the BESt traits someone can have..it makes even your weaknesses hidden to others.

stevie667

Go with the way i think about it, they're all bastards.

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little_tippler

This is quite common I think. Most of us at one point or another wish we could be more like someone else we have "admired". Jealousy is a strong word in my opinion. I sometimes feel that I wish I was more like this or that, but actual full on jealousy doesn't really get to me in this matter. Maybe for a fleeting moment - but it fades away really fast. I think nowadays since we're all expected to achieve/told we will achieve no matter what, it's natural to never feel content with what you have. Also, I think you're probably focusing too much on that and finding "better" elements in everyone around you and maybe exaggerating them to yourself. Just think that others have probably looked at you that way also.

I agree that sometimes when you have certain talents that are natural to you, you don't realize that not everyone else has them and can be surprised when someone points that out to you with a compliment. It's always nice to hear. I think it's also a self-esteem issue, where you may know at the back of your mind "ok yes I am good at X" but won't admit it to yourself or to others, for fear of goodness knows what but that could be material for a separate thread (!), though middle ground in that respect is not easy to attain. I think most people today are either overly confident or the opposite. I think it's probably preferable these days to be a little overconfident, as bullshit gets you almost everywhere.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

raeanna74

This probably won't be much help but all I could think while reading your post and any following - Why all the comparison?? Keeping up with the Johnses is one of the biggest downfalls of many people today. When you compare yourself to someone else and attempt to copy them constantly then you end up trying to become something that you are not. Focusing on your strengths, improving those strengths for your own betterment and not for the attention of others is what will help you feel more confident.

I've tried emulating others because I respected them or because of hero worship. I always felt like I fell short. The biggest reason was because I was trying to be something that wasn't ME.

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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Cynthetiq

who cares what mask they wear? As was stated people do have their skeletons in their closets, but that referes more to pasts. I tend to think they have different crosses to bear. Maybe they have similar insecurities but they aren't as apparent, maybe they have different obsessions since they are now comparing themselves to someone else futher in their career.

inferiority complex? maybe you don't really mean it in it's truest sense, maybe you really mean you have low self-esteem. You want to have higher self esteem? Do esteemable actions, starting with that service and duty to the community. You have to start some place. They didn't just wake up one night and be that "better person."

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Toaster126

I would suggest focusing on improving yourself everyday, because that is something you actually have control over. I don't see how you can be happy worrying about things you can't do anything about.

Also, to reiterate what others have said... confidence is great because people will often assume the best of confident people. Like most traits, if you don't have it, then fake it while you pick it up. You will find that you become what you portray in many cases.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

frogza

I got a laught out of this. Subtle yet funny.

Back to the OP's topic.

Decide what things are important to you and pursue them, forgetting and/or ignoring the rest of the world's accomplishments. Ultimately you get what you really want in life, with few exceptions. And if you have what you want, why be concerned with if it matches what someone else wants or has?

BigBen

I hate to be the "Anti-Self-Esteem" guy here, but:

What if they really are better? In every sense? Not relatively, but absolutely?

People talk about the "Oh, everyone has skeletons in their closet", but what if there are a few people that don't?

Don't throw shit on someone else so that they will stink like the rest of us.

It gives me a renewed sense of humanity to see people better than me. I want people to be better than me. I am not perfect (by a long shot) and therefore having people around me that are high-achievers is refreshing.

Hang out with people better than you. It raises your game. If you are hanging with a bunch of deadbeats so that your ego will be satiated, you will quickly find yourself a deadbeat. Don't walk down that road.

Fuck, if I am the best at anything, and I mean anything, then this world is in a whole bunch of trouble. I am average, which means that I am better than half of the people I meet, and I have the privledge of meeting my betters the other half.

Dare to be Average.

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Cynthetiq

I didn't mean to imply that it is better to "tear them down" to bring them to size, but moreso, to remind people that they are "people." I don't wish to toss shit onto anyone, but human frailty is what it is. The more people I've met in the world well, tend to be people with all the foilbles that people have.

They put on their pants no different than me. They cop a squat to remove bodily waste just like me.

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skier

Life is not a competition. Live instead of being the best at surviving. The only true measure of success you can use is yourself- take intrinsic value in bettering yourself and your life instead of comparing how well you do by someone else's standards. There are billions of people out there, there will be people 'better' than you. Challenge yourself instead of everyone else.

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amire

Thanks so much for your responses! I'm surprised there aren't more people here who feel the same way I do. Guess I'm a freak. I have two main responses to the points made in previous posts.

First, it seems that one common thought here is that comparison can be a bad thing. I think that there is such as thing as constructive comparison, where we compare ourselves to others and try to improve constantly. It's a positive thing. The problem with some of us is that we simply go overboard with our comparisons and feel inadequate when we don't measure up to others.

Secondly, and more importantly, it seems that a lot of your arguments here are very logical and rhetorical. Basically, you're advising people like me to NOT compare ourselves to others for a number of reasons, or to disregard my comparisons as unimportant. The problem with these arguments is that the human heart ISN'T necessarily logical. We tend to automatically FEEL one way or the other about what we see and have little control over our visceral response to seeing someone who excels in so many areas. Any suggestions on how to change this gut response or force myself to logically disregard it?

Thanks guys! Great discussion.

BigBen

I have a sure-fire way to make yourself "Feel" better about not being as good as someone else.

Buy a homeless person a cup of coffee, and talk to them for 3 minutes.

Go to a shelter, or a group home, or an addictions centre. Volunteer. Learn about people who are in a tough spot.

Go to the local courthouse and sit in on a Monday morning bail hearing. You will see all of the people picked up over the weekend asking the government for permission to rejoin the public, until their court date.

Basically, stop insulating yourself against the harsh reality of life. I believe that you will quickly learn to compare yourself to regular people, and not the super-achievers that will constantly do better than you.

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eribrav

I'm much happier as an adult than I was as a teen or an adolescent.

The biggest reason for that is I've figured out what's important to ME, and what makes me happy, and that's what I pursue with all my energy. You will waste a lot of time and energy comparing yourself to others. Just figure out who you are now, and who you want to be in the future, and pursue those goals. You will come out a winner.

raeanna74

I wasn't saying a thing against wearing a mask. I'm just saying that the copy is rarely as good as the original. If you want to be as good as these people then you gotta do it your own way. Doing it their way and you'll probably fall short every time.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Cynthetiq

sorry... my statement was in support of yours. I just didn't put a firm affirmative word in it.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

match000

Makes alot of sense, and sounds like sound advice, except that it can be used as an excuse to stop bettering.. it's easier to better oneself using others as a metric, at least for me..

Toaster126

Oh yes, yes it is.

You can definitely measure lots of success by looking at others. Just remember that the goal is to constantly strive to better yourself, not to become better than those around you. It's a subtle but important difference. I do strongly agree that the intrinsic motivation is important; people shouldn't base their feelings and perceptions on strictly extrinsic things.

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"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Willravel

As I reread my post, all I kept thinking was, "Wouldn't that be terrible if it wasn't intentional?"

Ameri, you are hardly a freak... besides we live in a culture that praises individuals. I don't even know if freak is such a bad thing any more. If your intention in comparing yourself ois to better yourself, then you are a mature person willing to change for the better. It's fine to use an outside bar by which to compare yourself, so long as you also value your own abilities and opinions.

MexicanOnABike

not a problem for me. because I AM better than everyone else. haha!

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skier

No, no it isn't.

Survival is a competition, beating out your peers for social standing or career opportunities. If you're the best survivor, you make the most money, have the most friends, gain the most power, etc. Living is about the intrinsic value you take from your actions and progress. It's about challenging yourself because you want to gain more of that intrinsic value; instead of challenging yourself to be better than others. A child will play for hours with the cardboard box that an expensive toy came in because they have more fun with it- thier endless imagination lends more intrinsic value to the ambiguous cardboard box because it contains more opportunity for adventure and excitement.


I totally agree with you here

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Plaid13

If you dont feel good about yourself compaired to others you need to do something about it. even if its just small stuff. help a neighbor with some yardwork help a friend do something. Not everyone has skeletons in the closet thats for sure but alot of the time the people that do are not the ones you would think and vice versa. Some of the nicest people in the world are only that way because they are trying to make up for something they are guilty about. other people are just really nice because thats what they enjoy. Personaly i have always enjoyed helping others but only if they deserve it.
Noone says you have to be a nice person but if you dont feel good about yourself maybe its because of how you treat others. Take a good look at the people you spend your time with. If your hanging out with the scum of the earth you might want to rethink that and meet some better people. If you cant respect your friends you most likely wont respect yourself.

Sultana

I agree with those who say life is NOT a competition. Looking at things that way is a sure and fast ticket to constant unhappiness. There will alwyas be people who are smarter, faster, richer, prettier, etc. than you. Accept it, and move on.

Decide what things that are most important to you, and work on improving those aspects of your life.

I would also recommend making friends with these people you feel inferior to. That way you'll see they are just as fallibly human as you in their own ways, and perhaps associating with them can inspire you to improve yourself in the ways you admire them. I do that whenever possible, and my life is greatly enriched by their friendship.

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Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Toaster126

This viewpoint assumes two things. First, a viewpoint where life is a competition makes people unhappy. Secondly, people that have that viewpoint are made unhappy by having people smarter, faster, etc. than them. In my case, those are both incorrect, and I don't think I'm special enough to be the only one that thinks like that.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

spindles

I think it is quite natural, especially when younger, to ignore your own good qualities when comparing yourelf to others. I also think most people grow out of it.

You don't have to outdo anybody to enjoy your life. There are no prizes for being community minded (except your own satisfaction and the gratitude of others). Personally, I'm not a particularly 'community minded' individual, so the chances of me choosing to do volunteer work at this stage of my life are pretty slim. This is not to say I won't do it later in life - it is just not something that gives (would give) me satisfaction at this stage in life.

Bottom line - you should do what you want to be happy - if that means bettering yourself, then by all means do so; if it means community service, then do that; if it means doing your best to look after your own family, then do that.

There is no right and wrong thing to do.

Remember that at university/college there are always high achievers - not everybody can be one, but if you really want to do it (not just because "someone else is") then do whatever you need to do to achieve that end.

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Jinn

Thank you Toaster.

I was thinking nearly the same thing when I read through the posts. I personally derive great satisfaction from knowing there are people better than me, because it keeps me in a state of challenge. If I were surrounded by idiots or yes-men, then I'd have a problem.. but not people who are "better" than me. Likewise, the competition itself DOES make me happy, not unhappy.

And we definitely arent alone.

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Sultana

Wull, I think the OP itself proves that there are others who feel unhappy about it (life veiwed as a competition). And as my post was about accepting the fact that there are others out in the world who do some things better than You ("You" used in a general way rather than specificially *you*), your post illustrates that you have accepted that, and have moved on, contributing to your happiness (and mine, as well ).

Frickin' Happy Now?!?

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Mantus

This is a topic I've given much thought to over the past few months. Which will explain why I can't be bothered to say much about it at the moment.

The short version is this,

In agreement with Brain Tracy, I think that people are made happy though fulfilment of goals. We get a huge buzz when we accomplish something and we feel proud of how far we've come when we look back at where we started. Stagnation is a recipe for depresion.

I trully believe that one's true competion is oneself. However, others are useful for calibration to keep one at full potential.

As such, sometimes when we see the achievements of others, we are confronted with the fact that we are not trying hard enough. I think it comes down to knowing, deep inside, that we can do the same (not the same achievements but the same commitment of energy).


Lowering the value of other's to bring up one's own is a lose/lose situation. You are still stuck in the same place and now you have no hope of things ever getting better...