Sultana

Umm, this term is coming up a lot in my life lately (and counseling sessions too, LOL), and it occurs to me that I don't really know what it means.

It seems a rather distasteful word to me (dependent, ugg!), but I'm thinking it's not what I thought...I thought it was, like, being totally dependent on someone else to get you through your day (which, for the record, I am NOT).

But it's a while before my next session, and I'd be interested in what TFP-ers have to say.

Yeah yeah yeah, I am looking into getting that book, "The Language of Letting Go". What are your guys' opinion of it, eh?

Don't Judge Me. LOL!

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

maleficent

I had to look up the definition -or rather the signs, i've been accused of it myself more than once...
http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/43.cfm
Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

-An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others. me
-A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
-A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time. me
-A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts. sometimes me
-An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
-An extreme need for approval and recognition.
-A sense of guilt when asserting themselves. me
-A compelling need to control others. me
-Lack of trust in self and/or others. absolutely me
-Fear of being abandoned or alone. me
-Difficulty identifying feelings. me
-Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change. sometimes me
-Problems with intimacy/boundaries. absolutely me
-Chronic anger. well - lately
-Lying/dishonesty.
-Poor communications me
-Difficulty making decisions. lately me


Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.


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Codependence, in my non-professional definition, seems to be where a person seems ot thrive on the misfortunes of others... and is all about the handholding and the "oh it'll be OK"... all the time... empathy for another person is good, but sometimes... a person needs a kick in the butt to set them straight and they need honesty... the codependent person will never be honest because they like having the other person need them... rather than want them... (this question ties in rather nicely to the would you rather be needed or wanted thread we had - I think SecretMethod gave a really good definitio of Codependence there.)

I'm not sure if it's totally accurate.. but i've always felt that codependent people were the people who fed drama queens... that if the drama queen didn't have an audience... they'd go away... but the audience (the co-dependents) keep the drama queen in business so they always have someone depending on them

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Daniel_

Put very simply I had it explained to me by my councellor as being something like:

first person coludes with second person to do each other down, and each think that's the way it ought to be.

Sorta.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Sultana

Hmm, so basically codependent = enabler?

That I can understand.
Thanks for the *very* useful information.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Sugarmouse

i posted my problems on a site i dont normally go on but i was desperate for help of the unbiased variety....and the first answer was a link to a codependancy site!lol

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Sugarmouse=Festered

Jinn

Be careful still -- codependency is a shady idea to me, because it tends to emphasize that caring for another person makes you codependent (and by definition, bad). Technically speaking, simply caring about another person's feelings more than yours at any given time makes you codependent. As you clearly noted in that thread, it's a good thing; or it can be.

The difference between a caring person and codependent person is simple; if you care about others you are willing to take inconvenience on their part in order to make them happier. A codependent person, however, cannot be happy THEMSELVES until the other person is happy. I can be caring without placing my own self worth and emotions upon their happiness.

And you might like my smile, but I avoided commenting on what I liked in your Portraits thread because we know being concise is not one of my specialties.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Sultana

Interesting cross-post! *smirk*
*chases JinnKai around the tree, tackles him to the ground and plops on top of him*
Some call it punishment, some call it...not punishment.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Invalid Comfort

Sultana, co-dependant=enabler is more right than any definition that you will read. It's the person behind the one going to AA(or NA) feeding them their drug of choice. They do this because they believe that they're keeping the affected party happy, a la keeping the enabler content with themselves.

All in alll though, it seems to be a very vicious circle. I've fallen into the behavior of a co-dependent in a very bad relationship of mine. I've sturggled with myself for the past couple of years becuase said party was constantly pulling my emotional state. The only way for me to be happy was to make sure that my partner was happy. Learning the ways of life I've taken my life in my own hands, as well with my emotional being. Very difficult it is, surprisngly.

One very influential therapist that I've had made me realize that everyone around me was controlling me through my emotions. This equates to my own personal definition of co-dependency. Basically co-dependency is the opposite of dependency, but not the essence of independance. Confusing, no?

Elphaba

Folks, 'codependence' and 'enabler' are "pop" psychology terms. If you are seeing 'counselors' that use these terms, you might want to ask for their credentials. The term "counselor" is not regulated by most states.

Invalid Comfort

What do you mean by "pop" psychology? "Co-dependency" was actually a chapter in my AP psych. class when I was in highschool. I agree with you on the credentials, though, most who use the term don't have much schooling behind them( in psychology)

snowy

Codependency is a topic that comes up frequently in drug/alcohol treatment, as most people in treatment are either co-dependent themselves or have a codependent SO/parent/whatever. Yes, it is attributed largely to "popular psychology", but given that all of the practices we use in treatment are evidence-based, I have a hard time lumping it together with other concepts that are under that umbrella, especially after seeing so much of it.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

raeanna74

My mother is considered co-dependant. It shows up mostly in her efforts to find fault in others. She insists that, despite professional testing proving otherwise, my Dad has ADHD. She is 'certain' that my brother has ADHD as well. She was constantly seeing signs of ADD, Dyslexia, Hyperkinesis, Allergies, and even Autism as my daughter began to walk, talk and function. She was even saying that natural responses to touch which my daughter made as an infant were indicators of Autism. My mother is always finding faults in others that need counseling, need medication, need HER to fix and according to her there are no Dr's or counselors in our area who are capable of helping in the way that she can. This view of hers is so completely flawed. She may have read a lot in medical journals and may be a very bright person but she has not professional education in a medical field. Her degrees are in English, and Elementary education.

I have found that feeding her desire to be needed in small ways deters her from finding larger problems to 'help' with. I sometimes call or visit her with questions for her to help with that I know she's capable of helping with quite well. She feels needed, useful, and is satisfied.

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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

abaya

Wow, this is a great strategy, Raeanna. My mother can tend towards codependency, too, but I had never thought of an approach like this. I will definitely have to try it... asking her help for small things so that she stops meddling in the big stuff. Thank you!!

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Elphaba

Sorry, I should have been more specific. I am using "pop" to refer to popular psychology that is typically found in 12-step programs (which have a long history) as opposed to fad based psychology (think est).

Snowy, could you clarify for me what you mean by "evidence based" before I step in more poop? I'm of the APA clinical thought that psychological interventions are subject to strict research protocols to measure efficacy. In my opinion, if it doesn't pass this test it remains "popular but not proven."

snowy

Pen, here's the website for you from Oregon Mental Health and Addiction Services. Basically, any provider in Oregon that receives state funding has to prove to OMHAS that they are using evidence-based practices, thanks to a bill passed by the Senate in 2003. OMHAS's website has several documents that outline what that means to them:

The main site: http://egov.oregon.gov/DHS/mentalhealth/ebp/main.shtml

And the PDF with OMHAS's definition of evidence-based practices: http://egov.oregon.gov/DHS/mentalhea...definition.pdf

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau