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Old 03-07-2006, 12:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I'm a work in progress...

While writing this post, I definitely welcome advice, but my primary reason is to just open up to someone, even if it is anonymously over the internet. I've posted on here a few times before, once somewhat touching on a bout of depression I was going through. In some ways, this is related, but in other ways, I feel I know more about what I am feeling. However, there in lies the problem. Although I understand more about myself, I feel that this has actually pushed me farther away from any solutions to my problems, if that is what they can be called. Most of what is to follow might be disjointed and disconnected, and for that, I apologize. I've also not been a great contributor to these forums, mostly because I find it hard to offer advice to others when I do not know any answers to my own questions. Because of this, I truly do appreciate the time any of you take to read and answer.

The most pertinent challege I face right now is graduating from college. While I should have graduated over a year ago, I dropped out just 2 courses short of graduation. To top it all off, they were two history courses at about the sophmore level, and I was pursuing a computer engineering degree. It all started with me falling apart at college, something I've mentioned in another post. After being the kind of kid who got 4.0's all the way up to freshman year, I started skipping classes and wasting my time with things like movies, tv series, chess, anime series, warcraft 3 and poker. Within 1 year, I had gone from the dean's list to academic probation. Still, no one except my parents knew. I never confided in friends, and maintained that image of the successful kid who aced his classes. Sure, I think some of my friends suspected that I no longer got straight As, and I started earning a reputation as being a slacker, but I also did enough to pass my classes, so there was never any real clue as to how poorly I was doing. After several long fights with my parents, I managed to get my act together atleast to the point that I got myself off academic probation with straight Bs. Again, I trudged through the remainder of school, making plans to rescue my GPA, get myself a good job, but everytime I failed. Soon, college was nearing its end, and I had not finished my course requirements.

I've wondered what my reason was for falling behind. Could it be that I did not enjoy programming and engineering design? Had I been pushed into it by my parents who felt that was where the best future lay, where the great jobs were? The answer to the second is a yes, but I could not really say I did not enjoy programming. Sure, after putting in three to four straight days in a computer lab with only time for showers and pizzas deliverd to the school buildings, it begins to wear a little, but I still enjoyed it. Why then was I not able to work? The only class in recent memory I worked hard in was where my best friend was my partner, and I did not want to disappoint him. I worked on the projects to the best of my ability, and we did well enough for him to score an A, but I missed so many individual homeworkds and did so poorly on the mid term that I had to drop out before the final. He still believes that we both got As.

Something that has been constant through my fall has been my getting "addicted" to something. Now, I'm not talking about drugs, or alcohol, but the things that I listed before. When I first got introduced to anime, I was given access to a set of servers on our school thad contained about 6 terabytes of anime. To give an example of how hooked I was, I watched one series (Kenshin) from Sunday night to around Thursday Evening, only eating, showering and sleeping in between. The next week, I had mid-terms, bombed, and dropped from all A's to almost all B's. That semster, I did rescue my grades, but I'm afraid that pattern of addiction would be my downfall in upcoming semesters. Having one of the best connections in the country because I was at one of the top schools for engineering didn't help either. I remember watching 3 seasons of 24 straight when I discovered that I enjoyed watching tv series as well. Of all of the things I listed, poker would appear to be the most dangerous. Although this does disservice to people who really do have a gambling problem. I think it would somewhat simpler if I was a loser at poker. Instead, I learnt enough from a semi-pro to be a small winner at the tables. I make about $5 an hour playing, but that's usually while doing something else on the side. Of course, what I'm doing on the side right now is working on the history papers, or reading the books that are sources for my paper. This means drastically reduced productivity on the papers, all for making peanuts at the tables.

I've given some thought as my motivations for what I do, and what my philosophy in life is. I've come to the not too cheerful conclusion that I just don't care, atleast not as much as I should. By this I don't mean to say I'm a jerk-off who's just telling the world to **** off. I mean I don't feel as much emotion about my situation as I should. I don't feel depressed when I think about the missed oppurtunities. Partly, I think this is because I feel my situation can still be somewhat rescued. Another thing that comes up is my lack of ambition. I think I'm a pretty smart guy, blessed to have come from a well to do family, i.e. not filthy rich, but definitely in the top income tax bracket. My parents want me to want to do well in life, and for them, this means getting a job at a Fortune 500 company. From what little I understand of this world, I think it's rigged against most people. People from lower class families, especially, they got jacked. Now, I'm no philanthropist. I'm not out there doing charity work, or giving money to the poor. I'm just saying, going out there, working a job that kills you, for more than 65 hours a week, which is what most of my friends work in their first year, for a salary so you can move up the corporate ladder, and then someday take yoru share of the spoils when you finally make executive (or so you hope) is jacked as well. Of course, its to a lesser degree than the guy working at McDonalds. Of course, there are those who really enjoy what they do, or are driven to becoming CEO or what not. Personally I think its a waste to work yourself to death, but I tend to believe in live and let live. There is one more thing I have to mention, because it ties in with the lack of emotion. Although my parents are god fearing highly moral people, I am neither. I have stolen, though not big. Mostly when I was hungry, I took from the community fridge. To be honest, I felt no real remorse. I think it ties into a general human trend where we are willing to do things as long as we are removed from the consequences. Not sure if revealing this will do anything but make people lose respect for me, but I know it had to be told.

On a less serious note, I was looking over one of my old posts concerning my break up with an ex. Someone said that I was really insecure, and in a move that is the very definition of irony, I replied very defensively saying I wasn't. You know, as someone who was insecure about the fact that they were insecure would do. I was really insecure about myself, and now I would say that I am somewhat insecure about myself. It started off with me being one of the shortest kids around. Not so short that I was a midget, but always a foot below the average. Entering high school at 4'8 and from a foreign country, it was definitely a bit of a challenge to fit in. However, I was never bullied, and I made a few friends, with only 1 female female among them. Along with the height thing was my absolute lack of strength or athletic capability. Unable to lift the bench press bar freshman year, unable to do more than 10 pushups by senior year. However, I did put on 8 inches or so to reach 5'4, not that I thought I was anything but still short. As for the lack of female friends, that would be because I could not talk to any girls properly, except for that one. Among the male friends as well, I did not really become friends with them as much as they became friends with me. As for the girl, we became really close, or so atleast I felt, and promised to keep in touch when school ended.

College turned out to be quite awesome, meeting new people and learning to deal with independance. However, I still had trouble talking to people, and girls in particular. After having made a few friends, mostly because one of my high school friends also went there and introduced me to people, I closed the book on the first semester with somewhat mixed feelings. I was happy to have met many people, but my heart yearned for more. I wished to break out of my clumsy, anti-social mold and talk to people, especially girls. Finally, winter break rolled around, and I came back home. Soon, I recieved a christmas card in the mail from my good female friend, with a long heartfelt letter inside. I was quite happy to get it, and decided that even though we did not celebrate Christmas, I should reciprocate. Now it took me a couple days to get around to getting a card, during which time I overthought the whole situation. In high school, not knowing too many girls, and having somewhat traditional immigrant parents, I had not gone to prom. Of course, I later found out my parents were quite progressive when they asked my why I had chosen not to go to prom. Of course, now i think that I just convinced myself they would not let me go, to cover up for the fact there was no way in hell I was going to ask anyone. So, in the card, I poured out my feelings, most of which cenetered around the fact I liked her. That feeling might have been blown out of proportion, considering she was the only girl I knew. Now that I think about it, it brings a wry smile to my face. I also mentioned that I wished I had asked her out to prom. I dropped of the card, and soon, I ended up with an outcome which I now find quite hilarious, but at that time was devastating. I lost my close friend. She was clearly quite weirded out by my card, and soon stopped talkign to me entirely. This was a complete turnaround from the previous semster, where we had talked almost every day online for atleast a couple oif hours. Crushed by the whole episode, I returned to school with a new resolve to never again fall prey to my own stupidity and lack of experience. I started talking to girls, got into my first relationship, and had my first breakup, all in one semester, which might not seem like much, but to me was multiple milestones. At the end of college, I was certainly considerd one of the most outgoing people in my different groups of friends. However, it must be noted that they're not that high a standard to compare to. Now that I am back in Southern California, I find myself again at the bottom of the ladder, needing to be more outgoing to even be comparable to the average person. While I write this, it does seem frivolous compared to the other problems in my life, but I figure this is part of me, and this post was going to be a full disclosure. I also grew to a respectable 5'10, but always feel short because this is how I always used to feel. I worked out a bit so I wouldn't be the rediculous 125 lbs I was during freshman year, but I was only around 135 lbs after working out for 3 months. I gave up on that as well, just like everything else, and now I weigh around 150, though all that extra is mostly just a belly.

The final thing I can talk about is my family. My parents have been nothing but caring and supporitve. Now, they're not perfect, but then, who am I kidding, neither am I. We fight often, our tempers are short, and I feel they have many shortcomings. However, they fact that they still allow me in the house basically shows me how much they care. They obviously want me to finish school, and get a job. I'm working towards both of those, and have set a timetable. One month to finish school, and then start applying for jobs. I am not working as quickly as I can, but considering I basically was getting nothing done before, I feel I'm doing a whole lot better. My dad simply wishes more. I sometimes wish I could give him everything he wanted of/from me, because he has been more supportive than I could have ever imagined. He has suggested two things. One is that I tell someone among my friends about what is going on. I have not been able to do that. I even got caught lying with my best friend and his girlfriend, who I am also close with. Being the good friends they are, they confronted me later, and offered to help in any way they can, but I still could not tell them how much shit I was in. I've probably damaged my friendships with both of them to some degree, and this is probably one of the things that I have felt the worst about, atleast for a short while. However, by some miracle, I was able to talk to my dad soon after, and I became convinced that by returning home and trying to finish school, I could maybe get my life in order, even if it was not something I particularly enjoyed. The second was to go see a therapist. I think this is something he has done as well, because he hinted at it, but I think it is hard for him to talk about it. Somehow, I feel like I don't need therapy, and it would just a big waste of money, but I coudl be wrong about this. As for the future, I'm hoping the job will be a sort of safety net. This way, I wont ever really dislike it because it hopefully wont be all that I have. I have a business idea that I think realistically could make 50 to 100 grand a year. Of course, that also depends on me getting off my ass and starting on it.

If you've made it to the end of this rediculously long post, I wish to thank you for reading. I've been completely honest about everything, for probably the first time in recent times. In terms of responses, feel free to say anything. Tell me what you think I am doing wrong, tell me I am a horrible excuse for a human being, or tell me that my ideas about things are completely idiotic. Or just tell yourself that there's definitely one person you're doing better than :-).

Last edited by balefire88; 03-07-2006 at 12:57 AM..
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Old 03-07-2006, 01:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow.

I think that the most honest, straightforward, non-angst ridden thing you said in your whole post was the title line. "I'm a work in progress..." That is one of the truest things any single individual can accept and work from to improve themselves.

I don't think you're a horrible human being at all, though. I think you're simply human, and young... dealing with a place in your life where you are wondering if there is even a point to what you're working so hard to accomplish... and perhaps working so hard to accomplish for someone other than yourself.

Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea... For the same reason you posted here... To have an objective ear, to hear theories about how you came to be where you are.... The plus side to therapy is that once you find a therapist that you like and trust, you will also have a guide to help you find the path that is right for you once you work through what got you to where you are now.

Just remember... You <i>are</i> a work in progress, and you always will be! If you stop making progress, you're not growing or changing.

Good luck!
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Old 03-07-2006, 04:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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My interpretation of this.....you are afraid. But thats OK, we are all afraid in some ways and fear is somewhat healthy. That is, until it begins to place constraints on the ability to act. I would sit down and seriously contemplate the transition from the relative safety of school life, to the unknowns of what comes after.

And remember, fear is often tied directly to self esteem.
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Old 03-07-2006, 06:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
My future is coming on
 
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Advice:

- Keep being brutally honest with yourself
- Do the things you're afraid to do
- Therapy can't hurt
- Focus on doing something for other people, not to feel good about yourself, but just for the sake of doing it
- Start walking 20 minutes a day

You sound a lot like me: you think waaaaay too much
You're not doing anything wrong, you're just stuck in the doldrums.
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Old 03-07-2006, 08:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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To me, you sound like a person of extremes:
-You start off by having straight 4.0, then you crash down to failing.
-You work "three to four straight days in a computer lab with only time for showers and pizzas deliverd to the school buildings", then you completely ditch school.
-You aim to fulfill your parents well-intentioned wishes to get a job at a Fortune 500 company, and now you're completely unemployed, nothing yet done to change that.
-You go from not not talking to girls at all to dumping the entire contents of your heart in a Christmas card.

I would say that you need balance in your life.
Also, recognize that most people don't graduate with 4.0, or get jobs with Fortune 500 companies, or feel completely comfortable in every conceiveable social situation without any preparation...and you know what? It's OK. The rest of us do just fine. We thrive, even!

It's time for you to figure out what is important to you, and pursue *that*. Finishing those last two classes and graduating from college would be good, too. Don't leave that hanging. Getting some kind of job would also be good, it's time for you to be independant (and that effort can help give you a taste of reality, which college is not, by the way). You don't have to get the most amazing job ever right out of the gate, just get a job that'll pay the bills, and continue to look for something better if you want (and define what "something better" means to you).

And there's No shame in getting counseling. Everyone has these stumbling blocks in the road of life, counseling is kinda like a personal trainer who can evaluate your thought processes and suggest improvements and help make plans to get over this trouble patch, and learn valuable lessons in the process (vital!).

Good luck, and please keep us posted on the updates, K?
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Old 03-07-2006, 09:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I wish i could give advice, but all that sums up me in a nutshell too.

Hang in there is all i can say!
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Old 03-07-2006, 04:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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From your post I've gotten your an average person, who doesn't socialize in person enough, who thinks they more troubled than normal people, who doesn't know how to sum up a post so a person doesn't fall asleep before they finish it, who is too self-critical...As far as any help/advice, there is none to give, there is nothing wrong with being normal just stop being self critical and socialize in person more. I say socialize because if you do you'll learn we live in a messed up world and everyone is messed up in it.
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Old 03-08-2006, 06:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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As lurkette said, you think way too much. That's ok, so do I, and many people. I think it's a lot more common than you imagine for people to feel lost and directionless. I went to university after being a straight A type, honour roll student. It was tough and it affected me to this day. In university I learned that not everything is what it seems. That you can work hard and the benefits are small. That you can delay "important" issues and nothing much happens. This is all part of growing up. You realize that everyone is just working hard and pursuing their goals, not because they have someone on their ass telling them they have to do it, but because that's just what people do.

What you need to realize is that many people have found a balance in life, where they work hard, but they do it because they chose it that way. They chose a goal to work for, they chose that path to feel fulfilled. Not everyone has the good fortune of being able to choose. You still have that possibility.

I agree with you. I don't want to work for the sake of it, or just to earn truckloads of money. Money helps, but I want to be able to live too. I can't, and won't center all my life around work. But there is a possible balance. It just won't happen immediately, you have to work for it. So you could be a bum and the world wouldn't stop turning. But would that make you happy?

Stop postponing, whining, and hoping the world will do the work for you. In this short life we have, it seems stupid to not make your own choices and just let life drop whatever it wants in your lap. You could get lucky, but chances are you won't. So make a decision, and stick to it. Think long and hard about what you want, even if it's the simplest of things. Then make a relaistic plan of how you could get there. You don't have to be a rocket scientist. You don't even have to be a computer engineer. You could be a window washer if it makes you happy. Small simple steps to get you there. Account for all your failings except giving up. No matter what, you don't give up. That's the only rule. Can't be that hard to stick to, don't you think?

As for your obsession with things you like or that please you, that's a tough one. Just say no? It's harder than it sounds of course. You need to learn how to stop. If you've already realized that it's not doing you any good, that's a good start. Perhaps therapy could help you with that?

When you say that you don't feel guilty when you do something considered bad, it depends on the situation. If it's just with meaningless things, don't give it too much importance. You don't have to feel what is expected. People often don't. If that lack of emotion is something more serious, maybe therapy would help there too. I don't know how far I can help you there. You're probably also mildly depressed, which can be quite numbing.

I don't know if I can be of any help really, you have some complicated things going on in your head. Personally I think you need to focus and stop letting yourself get away with certain attitudes. Also, you should talk to other people more. By holding everything inside you are letting issues go through your thoughts over and over again till you have dissected them so much you have made up new problems you never thought you had. Just start living and work towards your goal and some of the rest, hopefully, will naturally flow from there.
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We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
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However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.


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Old 03-08-2006, 08:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Dude, you almost brought a tear to my eye because you describe many aspects of my situation, or where I could end up. Do finish that degree...we all have to take courses that we don't want to. And remember one thing...ERTW(Engineers Rule the World)!!!!!!

The most important thing I've found over the years in your interpersonal relationships is to be yourself. It's the only way those relationships will grow and flourish. Other than that the rest of the crew here has done a fine job in explaining what it is you must do. Now, back to studying for me cause that Heat & Mass Transfer work isn't going to do itself, and the girls next to me are starting to look at me weird cause i'm on this forum.

Good Luck!

Quote:
Originally Posted by tecoyah
My interpretation of this.....you are afraid. But thats OK, we are all afraid in some ways and fear is somewhat healthy. That is, until it begins to place constraints on the ability to act. I would sit down and seriously contemplate the transition from the relative safety of school life, to the unknowns of what comes after.

And remember, fear is often tied directly to self esteem.
Hah...the first thing I thought of when I read this was that ridiculous fear/love argument in Donny Darko.
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