balefire88

While writing this post, I definitely welcome advice, but my primary reason is to just open up to someone, even if it is anonymously over the internet. I've posted on here a few times before, once somewhat touching on a bout of depression I was going through. In some ways, this is related, but in other ways, I feel I know more about what I am feeling. However, there in lies the problem. Although I understand more about myself, I feel that this has actually pushed me farther away from any solutions to my problems, if that is what they can be called. Most of what is to follow might be disjointed and disconnected, and for that, I apologize. I've also not been a great contributor to these forums, mostly because I find it hard to offer advice to others when I do not know any answers to my own questions. Because of this, I truly do appreciate the time any of you take to read and answer.

The most pertinent challege I face right now is graduating from college. While I should have graduated over a year ago, I dropped out just 2 courses short of graduation. To top it all off, they were two history courses at about the sophmore level, and I was pursuing a computer engineering degree. It all started with me falling apart at college, something I've mentioned in another post. After being the kind of kid who got 4.0's all the way up to freshman year, I started skipping classes and wasting my time with things like movies, tv series, chess, anime series, warcraft 3 and poker. Within 1 year, I had gone from the dean's list to academic probation. Still, no one except my parents knew. I never confided in friends, and maintained that image of the successful kid who aced his classes. Sure, I think some of my friends suspected that I no longer got straight As, and I started earning a reputation as being a slacker, but I also did enough to pass my classes, so there was never any real clue as to how poorly I was doing. After several long fights with my parents, I managed to get my act together atleast to the point that I got myself off academic probation with straight Bs. Again, I trudged through the remainder of school, making plans to rescue my GPA, get myself a good job, but everytime I failed. Soon, college was nearing its end, and I had not finished my course requirements.

I've wondered what my reason was for falling behind. Could it be that I did not enjoy programming and engineering design? Had I been pushed into it by my parents who felt that was where the best future lay, where the great jobs were? The answer to the second is a yes, but I could not really say I did not enjoy programming. Sure, after putting in three to four straight days in a computer lab with only time for showers and pizzas deliverd to the school buildings, it begins to wear a little, but I still enjoyed it. Why then was I not able to work? The only class in recent memory I worked hard in was where my best friend was my partner, and I did not want to disappoint him. I worked on the projects to the best of my ability, and we did well enough for him to score an A, but I missed so many individual homeworkds and did so poorly on the mid term that I had to drop out before the final. He still believes that we both got As.

Something that has been constant through my fall has been my getting "addicted" to something. Now, I'm not talking about drugs, or alcohol, but the things that I listed before. When I first got introduced to anime, I was given access to a set of servers on our school thad contained about 6 terabytes of anime. To give an example of how hooked I was, I watched one series (Kenshin) from Sunday night to around Thursday Evening, only eating, showering and sleeping in between. The next week, I had mid-terms, bombed, and dropped from all A's to almost all B's. That semster, I did rescue my grades, but I'm afraid that pattern of addiction would be my downfall in upcoming semesters. Having one of the best connections in the country because I was at one of the top schools for engineering didn't help either. I remember watching 3 seasons of 24 straight when I discovered that I enjoyed watching tv series as well. Of all of the things I listed, poker would appear to be the most dangerous. Although this does disservice to people who really do have a gambling problem. I think it would somewhat simpler if I was a loser at poker. Instead, I learnt enough from a semi-pro to be a small winner at the tables. I make about $5 an hour playing, but that's usually while doing something else on the side. Of course, what I'm doing on the side right now is working on the history papers, or reading the books that are sources for my paper. This means drastically reduced productivity on the papers, all for making peanuts at the tables.

I've given some thought as my motivations for what I do, and what my philosophy in life is. I've come to the not too cheerful conclusion that I just don't care, atleast not as much as I should. By this I don't mean to say I'm a jerk-off who's just telling the world to **** off. I mean I don't feel as much emotion about my situation as I should. I don't feel depressed when I think about the missed oppurtunities. Partly, I think this is because I feel my situation can still be somewhat rescued. Another thing that comes up is my lack of ambition. I think I'm a pretty smart guy, blessed to have come from a well to do family, i.e. not filthy rich, but definitely in the top income tax bracket. My parents want me to want to do well in life, and for them, this means getting a job at a Fortune 500 company. From what little I understand of this world, I think it's rigged against most people. People from lower class families, especially, they got jacked. Now, I'm no philanthropist. I'm not out there doing charity work, or giving money to the poor. I'm just saying, going out there, working a job that kills you, for more than 65 hours a week, which is what most of my friends work in their first year, for a salary so you can move up the corporate ladder, and then someday take yoru share of the spoils when you finally make executive (or so you hope) is jacked as well. Of course, its to a lesser degree than the guy working at McDonalds. Of course, there are those who really enjoy what they do, or are driven to becoming CEO or what not. Personally I think its a waste to work yourself to death, but I tend to believe in live and let live. There is one more thing I have to mention, because it ties in with the lack of emotion. Although my parents are god fearing highly moral people, I am neither. I have stolen, though not big. Mostly when I was hungry, I took from the community fridge. To be honest, I felt no real remorse. I think it ties into a general human trend where we are willing to do things as long as we are removed from the consequences. Not sure if revealing this will do anything but make people lose respect for me, but I know it had to be told.

On a less serious note, I was looking over one of my old posts concerning my break up with an ex. Someone said that I was really insecure, and in a move that is the very definition of irony, I replied very defensively saying I wasn't. You know, as someone who was insecure about the fact that they were insecure would do. I was really insecure about myself, and now I would say that I am somewhat insecure about myself. It started off with me being one of the shortest kids around. Not so short that I was a midget, but always a foot below the average. Entering high school at 4'8 and from a foreign country, it was definitely a bit of a challenge to fit in. However, I was never bullied, and I made a few friends, with only 1 female female among them. Along with the height thing was my absolute lack of strength or athletic capability. Unable to lift the bench press bar freshman year, unable to do more than 10 pushups by senior year. However, I did put on 8 inches or so to reach 5'4, not that I thought I was anything but still short. As for the lack of female friends, that would be because I could not talk to any girls properly, except for that one. Among the male friends as well, I did not really become friends with them as much as they became friends with me. As for the girl, we became really close, or so atleast I felt, and promised to keep in touch when school ended.

College turned out to be quite awesome, meeting new people and learning to deal with independance. However, I still had trouble talking to people, and girls in particular. After having made a few friends, mostly because one of my high school friends also went there and introduced me to people, I closed the book on the first semester with somewhat mixed feelings. I was happy to have met many people, but my heart yearned for more. I wished to break out of my clumsy, anti-social mold and talk to people, especially girls. Finally, winter break rolled around, and I came back home. Soon, I recieved a christmas card in the mail from my good female friend, with a long heartfelt letter inside. I was quite happy to get it, and decided that even though we did not celebrate Christmas, I should reciprocate. Now it took me a couple days to get around to getting a card, during which time I overthought the whole situation. In high school, not knowing too many girls, and having somewhat traditional immigrant parents, I had not gone to prom. Of course, I later found out my parents were quite progressive when they asked my why I had chosen not to go to prom. Of course, now i think that I just convinced myself they would not let me go, to cover up for the fact there was no way in hell I was going to ask anyone. So, in the card, I poured out my feelings, most of which cenetered around the fact I liked her. That feeling might have been blown out of proportion, considering she was the only girl I knew. Now that I think about it, it brings a wry smile to my face. I also mentioned that I wished I had asked her out to prom. I dropped of the card, and soon, I ended up with an outcome which I now find quite hilarious, but at that time was devastating. I lost my close friend. She was clearly quite weirded out by my card, and soon stopped talkign to me entirely. This was a complete turnaround from the previous semster, where we had talked almost every day online for atleast a couple oif hours. Crushed by the whole episode, I returned to school with a new resolve to never again fall prey to my own stupidity and lack of experience. I started talking to girls, got into my first relationship, and had my first breakup, all in one semester, which might not seem like much, but to me was multiple milestones. At the end of college, I was certainly considerd one of the most outgoing people in my different groups of friends. However, it must be noted that they're not that high a standard to compare to. Now that I am back in Southern California, I find myself again at the bottom of the ladder, needing to be more outgoing to even be comparable to the average person. While I write this, it does seem frivolous compared to the other problems in my life, but I figure this is part of me, and this post was going to be a full disclosure. I also grew to a respectable 5'10, but always feel short because this is how I always used to feel. I worked out a bit so I wouldn't be the rediculous 125 lbs I was during freshman year, but I was only around 135 lbs after working out for 3 months. I gave up on that as well, just like everything else, and now I weigh around 150, though all that extra is mostly just a belly.

The final thing I can talk about is my family. My parents have been nothing but caring and supporitve. Now, they're not perfect, but then, who am I kidding, neither am I. We fight often, our tempers are short, and I feel they have many shortcomings. However, they fact that they still allow me in the house basically shows me how much they care. They obviously want me to finish school, and get a job. I'm working towards both of those, and have set a timetable. One month to finish school, and then start applying for jobs. I am not working as quickly as I can, but considering I basically was getting nothing done before, I feel I'm doing a whole lot better. My dad simply wishes more. I sometimes wish I could give him everything he wanted of/from me, because he has been more supportive than I could have ever imagined. He has suggested two things. One is that I tell someone among my friends about what is going on. I have not been able to do that. I even got caught lying with my best friend and his girlfriend, who I am also close with. Being the good friends they are, they confronted me later, and offered to help in any way they can, but I still could not tell them how much shit I was in. I've probably damaged my friendships with both of them to some degree, and this is probably one of the things that I have felt the worst about, atleast for a short while. However, by some miracle, I was able to talk to my dad soon after, and I became convinced that by returning home and trying to finish school, I could maybe get my life in order, even if it was not something I particularly enjoyed. The second was to go see a therapist. I think this is something he has done as well, because he hinted at it, but I think it is hard for him to talk about it. Somehow, I feel like I don't need therapy, and it would just a big waste of money, but I coudl be wrong about this. As for the future, I'm hoping the job will be a sort of safety net. This way, I wont ever really dislike it because it hopefully wont be all that I have. I have a business idea that I think realistically could make 50 to 100 grand a year. Of course, that also depends on me getting off my ass and starting on it.

If you've made it to the end of this rediculously long post, I wish to thank you for reading. I've been completely honest about everything, for probably the first time in recent times. In terms of responses, feel free to say anything. Tell me what you think I am doing wrong, tell me I am a horrible excuse for a human being, or tell me that my ideas about things are completely idiotic. Or just tell yourself that there's definitely one person you're doing better than :-).