warrrreagl

1) A guy comes home from the doctor and his wife says, "How did your check-up go?"

The guy says, "It was terrible. I have a fatal disease, and I only have about 6 hours left to live."

The wife says, "Wow. So, what do you want to do for your last six hours of life?"

The husband says, "Let's make love!"

And they did. For two hours. Afterwards, as they're relaxing, the wife says, "What do you want to do next?"

The husband says, "Let's make some more love!"

And they did. For three more hours. Afterwards, as they're resting, the wife says, "You only have one hour left. What would you like to do for your last hour?"

The husband says, "Let's make some more love!"

The wife suddenly says, "Absolutely not. I have to get up in the morning, and you don't."

**insert rim shot about here**

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

2) A guy is waiting for the doctor to come back into the hospital room with his test results. The doctor suddenly bursts into the room wearing a mask, and says, "I have your test results, and it's not good news."

"Well, what have I got? What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Actually, is there anything NOT wrong with you? According to our tests, you have AIDS, tuberculosis, typhus, plague, anthrax, and Ebola."

"My God, what can you do for me?"

"The first thing we'll do is quarantine you right in this room. And then, we'll immediately put you on a strict pancake and pizza diet."

"Pancakes and pizzas? Will that cure me?"

"No, but it's the only food we've got here that will slide under the door."

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

3) A kid wakes up one morning and goes downstairs for breakfast. His mother gasps and says, "My God, what is wrong with you? You look bad!"

The kid says, "Gee, I dunno, because I feel good."

But the mom says, "Yeah but you look really bad."

And the kid answers again, "But I feel really good." And he goes off to school.

Once he arrives at school, his teacher takes one gawk at him and screams, "My God, you look bad!"

The kid says, "Well, I feel good."

And the teacher says, "Well, nevertheless, you need to see the doctor, because you look really bad."

But the kid says, "But I feel really good."

When he gets to the doctor's office, the doctor quickly exclaims, "My God, you look bad! What's wrong with you?"

The kids says, "That's what I want to know, because I feel good."

So the doctor gets out the medical dictionary and begins to thumb through the pages, muttering to himself. He says, "If I look through all these symptoms, I can narrow down the problem. Here's one. It says 'Look good, Feel bad.' No, that's not you, I'll keep looking."

After a few seconds, he says, "Look good, Feel good? No, that's not you, either. What about "Look bad, Feel bad? No, that's wrong, too."

Finally the doctor exclaims, "I've got it! Here it is. 'Look bad, feel good.' "

The kid says, "Yeah, that's it Doc. What do I have?"

The doctor looks up from the book, and says, "Look bad, Feel good. It says here that you are a vagina."

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.

Crack

Saw the vagina joke punchline comming a mile away... no wait, did that just sound dirty? awe nevermind

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

SofaKing

The third one was by far the best, I need to remember that one.

itchy93

Heh; I just got over a case of plague last week. Luckily, I didn't have AIDS, anthrax, et al.

Those are all keepers. Thanks!

Itchy93

Gortexfogg

All three are hilarious!

KellyC

aww man....these are some funny shit
keep 'em coming dude

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

forgotten_dream

My personal fave-

Doctor: I'm afraid I've got bad news. You have a terminal disease and not long to live.
Patient: How much time do I have?
Doctor: 5.
Patient: 5? 5 what? Years? Months?
Doctor: 4...3...

__________________
"A ouija board just works better if you've made it yourself. It's sortof like how 'Clue' is more interesting when one of you has actually killed someone."

txgirl

Nice one Forgotten! All of them were pretty funny...

ARTelevision

Mr. Smith calls the MD for his wife's test results. The lab tech says, "Sorry, sir, but there has been a mix-up. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.
Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs.Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.
"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

__________________
create evolution

Lord Humungus

A woman goes to see her Doctor.
After about 5 minutes she says "Doc, I want you to kiss me."
He says, "I can't kiss you. I'm your doctor."
Another 10 minutes goes by. She says "Doc, please. Kiss me!"
He says, "I can't kiss you. I'm your doctor. It would be unethical. In fact, I shouldn't even be fucking you."

__________________
I am still searching for the movie this quote was in...
"Make you strong, like bull", said in a russian accent
Post here if you know anything...PLEASE!

End User

"No need for me to come out to the house," the Doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all-he just thinks he's sick."

A week later, the Doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct.
"How's your uncle today?" he asked.

"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."

indiretto

"End User" that was the best one, thanks for sharing.

__________________
Happy Tree Friends... It’s more fun than a stick.

Fearless_Hyena

All of these are great but that one really made me laugh.

small one

"End User" Must be the best

thedrake

great post

canucker

I don't know if this is a repost but;

A women goes in too see her gyno.

She gets up onto the table and drops her pants and puts her legs in the stirups.

The gyno come in and takes one look at her *whoo hoo* and says "I think I'm going to have to numb it."

So he goes down on her "numb numb numb numb"

__________________
Go hard or go home;
Just don't go home hard.

Crack

That is the exact sound I make when performing said act!

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx