uncle phil

We can do this again...I'll start:

YES! WE HAVE NO BANANAS
by Frank Silver and Irving Cohn (Ritzelle also credited on some issues)
as sung by Billy Murray, Al Bernard, Billy Jones, and William West


There's a fruit store on our street
It's run by a Greek.
And he keeps good things to eat
But you should hear him speak!
When you ask him anything, he never answers "no".
He just "yes"es you to death, and as he takes your dough
He tells you
"Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today.
We've string beans, and onions
Cabashes, and scallions,
And all sorts of fruit and say
We have an old fashioned tomato
A Long Island potato
But yes, we have no bananas.
We have no bananas today."

Business got so good for him that he wrote home today,
"Send me Pete and Nick and Jim; I need help right away."
When he got them in the store, there was fun, you bet.
Someone asked for "sparrow grass" and then the whole quartet
All answered
"Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today.
Just try those coconuts
Those wall-nuts and doughnuts
There ain't many nuts like they.
We'll sell you two kinds of red herring,
Dark brown, and ball-bearing.
But yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today."

The new English "clark":
Yes, we are very sorry to inform you
That we are entirely out of the fruit in question
The afore-mentioned vegetable
Bearing the cognomen "Banana".
We might induce you to accept a substitute less desirable,
But that is not the policy at this internationally famous
green grocery.
I should say not. No no no no no no no.
But may we suggest that you sample our five o'clock tea
Which we feel certain will tempt your pallet?
However we regret that after a diligent search
Of the premises
By our entire staff
We can positively affirm without fear of contradiction
That our raspberries are delicious; really delicious
Very delicious
But we have no bananas today.

Yes, we gotta no banana
No banana
We gotta no banana today.
I sella you no banana.
Hey, Mary Anna, you gotta no banana?
Why this man, he no believe-a what I say.
Now whatta you want mister?
You wanna buy twelve for a quarter?
Yes, a quarter.
Well, just one look, I'm gonna call for my daughter.
Hey, Mary Anna
You gotta piana
Yes, banana, no
No, yes, no bananas today
We gotta no bananas.
Yes, we gotta no bananas today.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

KWSN

Da Vinci's Notebook - Enormous Penis

Whenever life gets you down,
Keeps you wearin' a frown,
And the gravy train has left you behind,
And when you're all out of hope,
Down at the end of your rope,
And nobody's there to throw you a line.
If you ever get so low,
That you don't know which way to go,
Come on and take a walk in my shoes,
Never worry 'bout a thing,
Got the world on a string,
'Cause I've got the cure for all of my blues.

I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my troubles start a-meltin' away,
I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my happy times are comin' to stay,

I gotta sing and I dance,
When I glance in my pants,
And I'm feelin' like a sunshiny day,
I take a look at my enormous pe-e-e-nis,
And a-everything is goin' my way

(happy interlude - whistle, strings, scat singing)

I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my troubles start a-meltin' away,
I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my happy times are comin' to stay,

Yeah I got great big amounts,
In the place where it counts,
And I'm feelin' like a sunshiny day,
I take a look at my enormous pe-e-e-nis,
And a-everything is goin' my way,
(My trouser monster)
And a-everything is goin' my way,
(My meat is murder)
And a-everything is goin' my way,
(Size doesn't matter)
Everything is goin' my waaaaaaay,
Yum.

__________________
Your arms are broken!

zmbabwe

"Surfer Bird" by the Trashmen

Well everybody?s heard, about the bird
Bird bird bird, the bird is the word
Don?t you know about the bird
Well everybody?s heard, about the bird
Bird bird bird, the bird is the word
Yeah
Well everybody?s heard, about the bird
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Everybody?s heard, about the bird
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Everybody?s heard, about the bird
Don?t you know about the bird?
Well everybody?s heard, about the bird
Bird bird bird, the bird is the word
Yeah!
SURFIN' BIRD
Well everybody?s heard, about the bird
Bird bird bird, the bird is the word
Well everybody?s heard, about the bird
Yeah everybody?s heard, about the bird
Everybody?s heard, about the bird
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Don?t you know about the bird?
Well everybody?s heard, about the bird
Bird bird bird, the bird is the word

stan the man

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.

[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

[background voices continue to sing "detachable penis" for
a while, then out]

__________________
long live the hud

uncle phil

Tequila
The Champs




Tequila!




Tequila!




TEQUILA!!!

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

BARNEY GOOGLE
by Rose, De Beck, & Con Conrad.


Who's the most important man this country ever knew?
Do you know what politician I have reference to?
Well, it isn't Mr. Bryan, and it isn't Mr. Hughes.
I've got a hunch that to that bunch I'm going to introduce:
(Again you're wrong and to this throng I'm going to Introduce
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google bet his horse would win the prize.
When the horses ran that day, Spark Plug ran the other way.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google had a wife three times his size
She stood Barney for divorce
Now he's living with his horse

Who's the greatest lover that this country ever knew?
And who's the man that Valentino takes his hat off to?
No, it isn't Douglas Fairbanks that the ladies rave about.
When he arrives, who makes the wives chase all their husbands
out?
Why, it's Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google is the guy who never buys.
Women take him out to dine, then he steals the waiter's dime.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google is the luckiest of guys.
If he fell in to the mud, he'd come up with a diamond stud.
Barney Google with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Who's the greatest fire chief this country ever saw?
Who's the man who loves to hear the blazing buildings roar?
Anytime the house is burning, and the flames leap all about,
Say, tell me do, who goes, "kerchoo!" and puts the fire out?
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google, thought his horse could win the prize.
He got odds of ten to eight; Spark Plug came in three days late.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google tried to enter paradise.
When Saint Peter saw his face, he said, "Go to the other place".
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Junchbailey

"Wet Dream" by Kip Addotta

Lyrics:

It was April the forty-first
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My barracuda was in the shop
So I was in a rented stingray
And it was overheating

So I pulled into a Shell Station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing
And leave my private life out of it
Okay pal?"

While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said "Hi Gil"
You have to yell, he's hard of herring

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream

Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is he was barely keeping his head below water
I bellied up to the sandbar
He poured me the usual

Rusty snail, hold the grunion
Shaken not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side
Heavy on the mako

I slipped him a fin
On porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids
For the halibut

Well the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal
What sole

Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna
Salmon Chanted Evening
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she's giving me the eye
So I figured this is my chance for a little fun
You know, piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom
She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a . . .
She drank a lot

I said "What's your sign"
She said "Aquarium"
I said "Great, let's get tanked"

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream

I invited her to my place for a midnight bait
I said "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight, I gotta haddock"

And she wasn't kidding either
Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels

He came over to me and said
"Listen, shrimp, don't you come trollin' around here"
What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said
"A-balone, you're just being shellfish"
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble and so did Gil
‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke but there he was
Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless

I said "Forget the cods Gil
This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said
"Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish
What's your name"
I said "Marlin"

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream

Well, from then on we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner, I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble
A case of the clams

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

__________________
Hey guys -- I finally got a semen sample after pumping on my wiener for 2 whole days

marcopolo

Every sperm is sacred.

Composers: David Howman & Andre Jacquemin
Authors: Michael Palin & Terry Jones
From the Movie 'The Meaning of Life'

DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.
CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.
MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.
PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!
CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!
NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.
EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

__________________
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

marcopolo

Spam Song

Composers: Terry Jones, Michael Palin, & Fred Tomlinson
Authors: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
Arranger: Fred Tomlinson
From the TV Series and featured on various Albums

Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spaaam!
Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spam.

Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.

Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!)
Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!)
Lovely Spaaam!

Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaaaaam!

__________________
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

marcopolo

The Idiot Song

Lead Singer: Neil Innes
From the Movie 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl'

How sweet to be an Idiot,
As harmless as a cloud,
Too small to hide the sun,
Almost poking fun
At the warm but insecure, untidy crowd.
How sweet to be an idiot,
And dip my brain in joy,
Children laughing at my back,
With no fear of attack,
As much retaliation as a toy.

How sweet to be an idiot. How sweet.

I tiptoed down the street,
Smiled at everyone I meet,
But suddently a scream
Smashes through my dream.
Fee fie foe fum.
I smell the blood of an asylum.
(Blood of an asylum. But mother, I play so beautifully. Listen. Ha ha.)
Fie fye foe fum.
I smell the blood of the asylum.
Hey you. You're such a pennant.
You got as much brain as a dead ant,
As much imagination as a carvan sign,

But I still love you. Still love you.
Oooh, how sweet to be an idiot.
How sweet. How sweet. How sweet.

__________________
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

uncle phil

WHAT KIND OF A NOISE ANNOYS AN OYSTER?
by Crumit & Curtis



Lots of folks are worried over how they'll pay the rent.
Some folks are annoyed because they can't lay up a cent.
Others are perplexed about the latest picture show.
But there is really only just one thing that I'd like to know.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
No matter what I do
The answer won't come through.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
A little piece of cheese annoys a mouse, there is no doubt.
But here's the one thing I've been trying hard to figure out:
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew?

What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
I asked them at the zoo.
They said they wish they knew.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
A piece of cheese annoys a mouse
The mouse annoys in turn
The cat who then annoys the dog
But still I cannot learn
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew.

Oysters live a life within a very narrow scope.
One thing I've found out is that an oyster don't like soap.
I'll admit the problem's been a sticker from the go.
I've asked most everyone I've met, and no one seems to know
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster.
I've figured till I'm blue,
So now I'm asking you.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
The piece of cheese annoys the mouse
The mouse annoys the cat
The cat annoys the dog
The dog annoys your Sunday hat.
But, what kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
I've asked each one I knew
From here to Kalamazoo.
What kind of a noise annoys an oyster?
That's a question I would like an answer to.
Now, simple things annoy a lot of simple folks, you see.
And that's most likely why this question is annoying me.
But, What kind of a noise annoys an oyster
When an oyster's in a stew?

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Tophat665

Isaac's Lament
by Uncle Bonsai

He walks over to the window
And without a hesitation he goes out
I walk over to the window
And I see him hit the sidewalk like a trout
With a moment's indecision
I can almost see him moving
Then I see the splattered pavement
And I feel it's almost soothing
'Cause I know he didn't suffer
Any more than was the norm
He lived life the way he found it
And he left it true to form

He was standing by the TV
When I saw his eyes roll upward in his head
I came over to the TV
Just to find out what the anchorman had said
With a little human interest
And some filler for the waiting
They were speaking of replacements
And a failure in the ratings
And my friend looked pale then paler
As his body lost his breath
And I listened and discovered
What would send him to his death

Oh Gopher, Gopher's being fired
Contracts have expired
Love has been retired
Buried out at sea

Every afternoon in college
He'd sit down and pour himself another brew
Just as soon forsake his knowledge
For an hour's entertainment with the crew
With a tub of buttered popcorn
And a can or two of soda
He gets sucked into the program
Like he has to make some quota
'Cause he knows what's gonna happen
'Cause he's seen them all before
And the endless double takes
Just make him want it even more

Oh Isaac, Isaac's over tired
Julie's been unhired
Love is uninspired
Sinking in the bay
The Love Boat
Love Boat's dropped it's anchor
Bought out by some banker
Hired out as a tanker
Drifting far away

Oh Aaron Spelling you're a genius
No one could have seen this
Running all these years
(Won't you tell us)
Aaron, where'd you get the notion
Love upon the ocean
Blazing new frontiers

When he heard the sad decision
There was sorrow and confusion in the home
He turned off the television
And he came to his conclusion on his own
With a sigh of desperation
He gave in to his depression
He went out to greet the concrete
Where he made his last impression
And the papers want a statement
'Cause the public wants to know
Was it just the cancellation
Of a favorite TV show

The Love Boat
Love Boat's slowly sinking
Vicki's started thinking
Merrill has been drinking
One more for the road
The Love Boat
Love Boat has been grounded
Doc is still dumbfounded
All aboard's been sounded
No where left to go

__________________
Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

william_wallace

Fish Heads
by Barnes and Barnes
**********

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

In the morning
Laughing, happy
Fish Heads
In the evening
Floating in the soup

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Ask a Fish head
Anything you want to
They won't answer
They can't talk

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

I took a Fish head
Out to see a movie
Didn't have to pay
To get it in

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm
They can't play baseball
They don't wear sweaters
They're not good dancers
They don't play drums

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Rolly polly Fish heads
Are never seen drinking
Cappacino in Italian restaurants
With Oriental women...Yeah

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm...
(Yummm)

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm
YEAH!!!!!!!!!

__________________
I'm the Ninja Storm Trooper Division Commander in qpid's liberation army so we can take over the world before Microsoft does. Join the Revolution!

“If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college...”
- some woman that Lewis Black heard in IHOP

krazykemist

Shaving Cream
by Benny Bell

I have a sad story to tell you
It may hurt your feelings a bit
Last night when I walked into my bathroom
I stepped in a big pile of ...
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave every day and you'll always look keen

I think I'll break off with my girlfriend
Her antics are queer, I'll admit
Each time I say, "Darling, I love you"
She tells me that I'm full of ...
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave every day and you'll always look keen

Our baby fell out of the window
You'd think that her head would be split
But good luck was with her that morning
She fell in a barrel of ...
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave every day and you'll always look keen

An old lady died in a bathtub
She died from a terrible fit
In order to fulfill her wishes
She was buried in six feet of ...
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave every day and you'll always look keen

When I was in France with the army
One day I looked into my kit
I thought I would find me a sandwich
But the darn thing was loaded with ...
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave every day and you'll always look keen

And now, folks, my story is ended
I think it is time I should quit
If any of you feel offended
Stick your head in a barrel of ...
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave every day and you'll always look keen

__________________
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -- Tolstoy

uncle phil

The Pig Song
olde, olde, English


It was early last September,
Near as I can remember,
I was strolling down the lane in tipsy pride.
Not a word did I utter
As I lay down in the gutter,
And this pig come up and lay down by my side.

Not a soul were we disturbing
As we lay there by the curbing,
When this high-toned lady come and I heard her say,
"You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses."
And the pig got up and slowly walked away!

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

You make me wanna walk like a camel
Southern Culture on the Skids


Baby, Would you eat that there snack cracker in your special outfit for me, please?
owwwWEEEEE!!!!!
Yo ye pharoahs, let us walk, through this barren desert,
in search of truth and some pointy boots,
and maybe a few snack crackers.
OWWWW WEEE
Baby, you make me wanna walk like a camel.
OWWWW WEEE
Walk!

Who's in charge here,
where's my Captain's wafers?
Don't go around hungry now
The way you eat that oatmeal pie
makes me just wanna die.
Baby,
you make me wanna walk like a camel.

Say, you don't think there's any way I could get that quarter
from underneath your pointy boot, do ya?
All I want is just one more oatmeal pie.
OWWWW WEEE
Little Debbie, Little Debbie
I'm a comin on home, baby,
cause you make me wanna walk like a camel.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

John_Gault

THE PHILOSOPHER'S SONG
Performed by Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce
A Python (Monty) Production


Emanuel Kant was a real piss ant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as shloshed as Schlegel

There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya’ ‘bout the raisin’ of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill of his own free will
And half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato they say could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
I drink therefore I am

Now Socrates himself is particularly missed.
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he’s pissed.

__________________
The battle against abject stupidity cannot be fought with reason.

I am Head inquisitor in qpid's liberation army so we can take over the world before Microsoft does... Join the Revolution!

uncle phil

You Never Even Called Me By My Name
Written By Steve Goodman
Recorded By David Allan Coe

WELL, IT WAS ALL
THAT I COULD DO TO KEEP FROM CRYING’
SOMETIMES IT SEEMED SO USELESS TO REMAIN
BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN’, DARLIN'
YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME BY MY NAME
YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME WAYLON JENNINGS
AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME CHARLIE PRIDE
AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME MERLE HAGGARD/ANYMORE
EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE ON MY FIGHTING’ SIDE

CHORUS:

AND I’LL HANG AROUND AS LONG AS YOU WILL LET ME
AND I NEVER MINDED STANDING’ IN THE RAIN
BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN’, DARLIN’
YOU NEVER EVEN CALLED ME BY MY NAME

WELL, I’VE HEARD MY NAME
A FEW TIMES IN YOUR PHONE BOOK (Hello, Hello)
AND I’VE SEEN IT ON SIGNS WHERE I’VE PLAYED
BUT THE ONLY TIME I KNOW
I’LL HEAR "DAVID ALLAN COE"
IS WHEN JESUS HAS HIS FINAL JUDGMENT DAY

REPEAT CHORUS

RECITATION:
WELL, A FRIEND OF MINE NAMED STEVE GOODMAN WROTE THAT SONG
AND HE TOLD ME IT WAS THE PERFECT COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG
I WROTE HIM BACK A LETTER AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS NOT THE PERFECT COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG BECAUSE HE HADN’T SAID ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT MAMA,
OR TRAINS,
OR TRUCKS,
OR PRISON,
OR GETTING’ DRUNK
WELL HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE ANOTHER VERSE TO THE SONG
AND HE SENT IT TO ME,
AND AFTER READING IT,
I REALIZED THAT MY FRIEND HAD WRITTEN THE PERFECT
COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG
AND I FELT OBLIGED TO INCLUDE IT ON THIS ALBUM
THE LAST VERSE GOES LIKE THIS HERE:

WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON
AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN
BUT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICKUP TRUCK
SHE GOT RUNNED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN

CHORUS:

AND I’LL HANG AROUND AS LONG AS YOU WILL LET ME
AND I NEVER MINDED STANDING’ IN THE RAIN
NO, A’ YOU DON’T HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN’, DARLIN’
YOU NEVER EVEN CALL ME
WELL I WONDER WHY YOU DON’T CALL ME
WHY DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME BY MY NAME

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

KWSN

Phil, that song reminded me of this one...

Bobby Bare - Warm and Free

WARM AND FREE

Warm and Free.
Warm and Free.
That's all it takes
To get a hold on me.
Warm and Free.
Warm and Free.
You never know how low you can be...

Till you go into an all-night cafe,
Grab somebody's dirty old cup,
Walk right up to the hot water boiler
And fill that sucker up.
Then you add some ketchup, salt and Tabasco.
Sure smells good to me.
Then sluppity-slup... you suck it up.
It's warm and it's free.

Warm and Free.
Warm and Free.
That's all it takes
To get a hold on me.
Warm and Free.
Warm and Free.
You never know how low you can be...

Till you sneak into a party
On a Saturday night
And say, "Hey, I'm a friend of Stan's"
And you ease into the kitchen
Open up the fridge
And gobble up everything you can.
Then you crawl into the bed
Neath a big pile of coats
And try to get yourself some sleep.
This life ain't swell
But what the hell.
You're warm and you're free.

Warm and Free.
Warm and Free.
That's all it takes
To get a hold on me.
Warm and Free.
Warm and Free.
You never know how low you can be...

Till you go into a bar
And meet a middle age lady
And let her buy you a drink or two.
You look into her eyes
Till she says "I've got a son
About the very same ag as you."
Then you say, "You remind me
Of my very own mama"
As her hand slips to your knee.
She ain't Raquel,
But what the hell.
It's warm and it's free.

Warm and Free.
Warm and Free.
That's all it takes......[fades]

__________________
Your arms are broken!

uncle phil

Bobby (Boris) Pickett & The Crypt-Kickers
Monster Mash

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise


He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash


From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes


They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash


The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son


The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"


They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash


Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"


It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash


Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you


Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

and speaking of bobby bare...


DETROIT CITY
(Mel Tillis / Danny Dill)
Bobby Bare


I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home.

Last night I went to sleep in Detroit city,
And I dreamed about those cotton fields and home,
I dreamed about my mother, dear old papa, sister and brother,
And I dreamed about that girl, who's been waitin' for so long

I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home

Home folks think I'm big in Detroit city,
From the letters that I write they think I'm fine,
But by day I make the cars, and by night I make the bars,
If only they could read between the lines

I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home

SPOKEN:

You know, I rode a freight train north to Detroit city,
And after all these years I find I've just been wasting my time,
So I think I'll take my foolish pride, put it on a southbound freight
and ride,
Go on back to the ones I left, who've been waitin' for so long

I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

The Cover of the Rolling Stone
Dr. Hook


[ Hey Ray, hey Sugar, tell them who we are. ]

Well, were big rock singers, we got golden fingers
And were loved everywhere we go [ that sounds like us ]
We sing about beauty and we sing about truth
At ten thousand dollars a show [ right ]
We take all kind of pills, that give us all kind of thrills
But the thrill we've never known, is the thrill that'll getcha
When you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin' Stone


CHORUS:
Rollin' Stone,
Wanna see my picture on the cover
Wanna buy five copies for my mother [ Yeah! ]
Wanna see my smilin' face, on the cover the cover of the Rollin Stone


[ That's a very very good idea ]


I got a freaky old lady name a Cocaine Katy
Who embroideries on my jeans
I got my poor ol' grey haired daddy, drivin' my limousine


Now it's all designed to blow our minds but our minds won't really be blown
like the blow that'll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin' Stone


CHORUS


[ Hey, I know how...ROCK AND ROLL! ]


SOLO


[ Awww, dats beautiful ]


We got a lot of teenage blue eyed groopies who'll do anything we say
We got a genuine Indyan guru, who's teachin' us a better way
We got all the friends, that money can buy, so we'll never have to be alone
and we keep gettin' richer but we can't get our picture on the cover of the Rollin' Stone


Rollin' Stone, wanna see my picture on the cover
Wanna buy five copies for my mother [ I Want one! ]
Wanna see my smilin' face, on the cover the cover of the Rollin Stone
On the cover of the Rollin' Stone
Wanna see my picture on the cover [ I don't know why we ain't on the cover, baby ]
Gonna buy five copies for my mother [ were beautiful fellows ]
Wanna see my smiling face, [ I ain't kidding ya ]
on the cover the cover of the Rollin Stone [ Ah, we would make a beautiful cover ]
[ the first shot, right up front man, I can see it now...we would be on the front smilin' man, ahhhhh beautiful ]

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Loup

The Song That Never Ends

This is the song that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friends,
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was
And they’ll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends....
(repeat, and repeat, and repeat...)

Fly

OOOOOooooohhhhhhhhhhh

the skin at the end of my dink is pink and
when it gets hard it's blue........

I Love yooooooooouuuuuuuuuu

sorry that's all i know

__________________
BASTARD

SterlingStudios

platypus

Kev's Courtin' Song - Kevin "Bloody" Wilson


Blown too much of me time buying dinner and wine
And me money on flowers and lollies
Only to find that what's on me mind
Isn't on hers and she's sorry
So I've made up some lines that save wastin' time
And keep me from blowin' me brass
I'm ever so cool I just prop on the stool
Right next to hers and I ask

Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
Cause you've you've got a nice head
And you look pretty honest
So me face'll be leavin' in a quarter of an hour
I'd like you to be on it'

You know how it feels when you first meet a sheila
And the bullshit you've gotta go through
Like callin' her up and tellin' her you love her
When all that you'd love is just to screw
But she wants to hold hands and you to meet her old man
And sit around for hours and talk
But me new method is, you just cut through the shit
And get down to the goodies straight off

Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
Do you sleep in the nick?
Do you give head very often?
If we can decide, your place or mine
We can fuck off then'

So the next time you see a good lookin' sheila
And you'd give a week's pay just to hold her
Don't sit acting dumb, just front her full on
And drop a few lines like I told you
This new method of mine might not work every time
But then again no method will
I've been spat at and slapped, and kneed in the knackers
But then I've got a few fucks as well

Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
If the answer is 'No'
To me questions above
Then be a good sport and give me the name
Of a girlfriend who does!'

__________________
Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

John_Gault

The most concise song ever written that includes ALL of the important things in life.

by Rodney Carrington:

Titties n beer
(titties n beer)

Titties n beeeeeeer
(titties n beer)

I thank God almighty for titties and beer
(big titties and beer)

I’m a two legged deer
(titties and beer)

Thank God I ani’t queer
(titties and beheer)

There’s one thing daddy likes and that’s titties and beer
(big ole titties and beer)

I like titties and beer
Great big titties in my beer beer

There’s one thing daddy likes and that’s tittis and beer
(big ole titties and beer)

check it out. http://www.lunacytoons.com/titties.html

uncle phil

(you've all seen my picture...)


HAIR
Gerome Ragni / James Rado


She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of bread
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Ringo Starr
No No Song

A lady that I know just came from Columbia
She smiled because I did not understand
Then she held out some marijuani ha-ha
She said it was the best in all the land
And I said:

No no no no, I don't smoke it no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please,
It only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

A woman that I know just came from Majorca Spain
She smiled because I did not understand
Then she held out a 10 pound bag of Cocaine
She said it was the best in all the land
And I said:

No no no no, I don't sniff it no more
I'm tired of waking up on the floor
No, thank you, please,
It only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

A man I know just came from Nashville Tennessee oh
He smiled because I did not understand
Then he held out some moonshine whiskey oh-ho
He said it was the best in all the land
And I said:

No no no no, I don't drink it no more
I'm tired of wakin' up on the floor
No, thank you, please,
It only makes me sneeze
And then it makes it hard to find the door

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

GOD'S OWN DRUNK
By: Lord Buckley

Well, like to explain to you all before,
I ain't no drinkin' man
I tried it once and it got me highly irregular
And I swore I'd never do it again
I promised my brother in-law that I'd go up watch his still
While he went in to town to vote
It was right up on the mountain
where the map said it would be
Friends let me tell you one thing,
tho it wasn't no ordinary still
It stood up on that mountainside
like a hugh golden opal
God's yeller moon shinin' on the cool clear evenin'
God's little lanterns twinklin' on and off in the heavens
Like I explain'd to you once before I ain't no drinkin' man
But temptation got the best of me
And I took a slash
That yella whiskey runnin' down my throat
like honey dew vine water
And I took another slash,
Took another'n an another'n an another'n
For you knew I'd downed one whole jug of that shit
and commenced to gettin' hot flashes
Goose pimples was runnin' up and down my body
And a feelin' came over me
like somethin' I'd never experienced before
It was like, like I was in love
In love for the first time, with anything that moved
Animate, inanimate it didn't matter
It's like there's a great neon sign flashin' on an' off
in my brain sayin' "Jimmy Buffett there's a great day a comin'" `
Cause I was drunk
I wasn't knee crawlin', slip slidin', Reggie Youngin' Commode huggin' drunk
I was God's own drunk and a fearless man
And that's when I first saw the bear

He was a Kodiak lookin' fella `bout nineteen feet tall
He rambled up over the hill
expectin' me to do one of two things,
Flip or fly, I didn't do either one
It hung him up
He started sniffin' around my body tryin' to smell fear
But he ain't gonna smell no fear `cause
I'm God's own drunk and a fearless man
It hung him up
He looked right in my eyes, and my eyes was a lot redder than his was
It hung him up
So I approached him, I said "Mr. Bear, I love every hair on your twenty-seven acre body
I know you got a lot of friends over there on the other side of the hill
There's ole' rare bear, tall bear, Freddy bear, Kelly bear
Really bear, smelly the bear, smokey the bear, pokey the bear
I want you to go back over there tonight
And tell them I'm feelin' right
You tell them I love each and everyone of them
like a brother and a sister
But if they give me any trouble tonight
I'm gonna run every God damn one of them off the hill"
He took two steps backwards and didn't know what to think
Neither did I but bein' charitable and cautious
Well hell I approached him again
I said "Mr. Bear, You know in the eyes of the Lord
we're both beasts when it comes right down to it
So I want you to be my buddy, Buddy bear"
So I took ole' buddy bear by his island size paw
and I led him over to the still
He's a sniffin' around that thing cause
he's smellin' somethin' good
I gave him one of them jugs of honey dew vine water
He downed it up right
Looked like one of them damn bears in the circus
Sippin' sasparilly in the moonlight
I gave him another'n an another'n an another'n
For I knew it he downed eight of them
and commenced to doin' the bear dance
Two snips, a snort, a fly turn, and a grunt
It was so simple like the jitter bug
It plum evaded me
We worked ourselves into a tumultuous uproar
And I was awful tired and went over to the hillside
and I laid down and went to sleep

Slept for four hours and dreampt me some tremulous dreams
When I woke up, there was God's yeller moon shinin' on the clear cool evenin'
God's little lanterns twinklin' on and off in the heavens
My buddy the bear was a missin'
Want to know something else friends and neighbors
So was that still

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

KWSN

AFI - THE CHICKEN SONG

Chicken's good for the body
Chicken's good for the mind
Chicken's good for the funny bone
Chicken's easy on the eyes
Here we go

Yum-Yum chicken bone
Bock Bock Chicken
Yum-Yum chicken bone
Tell all your friends

Granola bar - nice and chewy
Granola bar - my best friend
Granola bar - how I love you
Granola bars don't beat the kids

Yum-Yum granola bar
Chew-Chew-Chewy
Yum-Yum granola bar
Tell all your friends

Chicken and granola bars make a nice meal
Especially when you're all alone
It's something to eat when your wife's in the shelter
Because she ran into the door
One Two Three

Yum-Yum granola bone
Bock Bock chewy
Yum-Yum granola bone
Tell all your friends

Yum-Yum-Yummy
Bock-Bock-Bocky
Slap-Slap-Slappy
Tell all your friends



Yes, this is actually a song by AFI.

__________________
Your arms are broken!

Antagony

Don't really enjoy the band, but this was a song by Blink182.


Piss, shit, fuck, cunt , cock-sucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat.

Piss, shit, fuck, cunt , cock-sucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat.

Piss, shit, fuck, cunt , cock-sucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat.

I fucked your mom.

__________________
On the outside I'm jazz, but my soul is rock and roll.

Sleep is a waste of time. Join the Insomniac Club.
"GYOH GWAH-DAH GREH BLAAA! SROH WIH DIH FLIH RYOHH!!" - The Locust

Miranda

Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
Cows aren't fun


They eat to grow, grow to die
Die to be et at the hamburger fry
Cows well done

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cows are one

He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
Cow Tse Tongue

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd
Cow doldrums

He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die
Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high
Bad cow pun

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
Cows are bummed

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
Cow well hung

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
Run cows run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
We are free roving bovines, we run free today

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

They crashed the gate in a great stampede
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
Cows have fun

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
Much cow dung

Black smoke rising, darkening the day
Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

The President said "enough is enough

These uppity cattle, its time to get tough"
Cow dung flung

The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
they chewed their last hay
Cows out gunned

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers

Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

bundy

how can this thread be complete without Spice Girls.

If You Can't Dance

If you can't dance
If you can't dance
If you can't dance
If you can't dance
If you can't dance to this you can't do nothing for me baby.

and so on...

__________________
Ohayo!!!

uncle phil

"Miss Thunder Thighs"


A long long time ago, I can still remember
How being thin used to make be smile.
And I know that if I had my chance,
I could wear a size three pants,
And I might be happy, for a while.

Does this make my butt look big?
And do I eat like a big fat pig?
If my best friend tells me so.
Now are you a sexy toothpick?
Or are you a sexy bread stick?
Or are you just a big fat candlewick?

Well I know I have a pretzel butt,
Just like you have a beluga gut.
We both will tip the scales,
Both the size of whales.
I'm sure that you'll never buy it,
But I swear that I'm on a diet,
Even though I've already tried it.
The day
I broke
The scale...

I started singing:
Bye bye Miss Thunder Thighs,
You're more heavy than a Chevy,
And I swear it's not a lie.
My best friend's even fatter than I,
Singing, "This will be the day I give up pie.
This will be the day I give up pie."

I met a girl, who never ate,
I guess you could say that it was fate.
Dieting, I could fake.
Well I decided to give up food,
Anything that had to be chewed,
But I did have the occasional shake.

On occasion I did break a seam,
But I got closer to my dream.
But not a word was spoken,
I lost weight I'm not jokin'.
And my best friend, she remained fat,
What could one think of that?
It was embarrassing to be her friend
The day
She broke
The scale....

I started singing:
Bye bye Miss Thunder Thighs,

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

WHERE DID ROBINSON CRUSOE GO WITH FRIDAY ON SATURDAY NIGHT



Over a thousand years, or maybe more
Out on an island on a lonely shore
Robinson Crusoe landed one fine day
No rent to pay
No wife to obey.
His good man Friday was his only friend
He didn't borrow or lend.
They built a little hut
Lived there till Friday, but
Saturday night it was shut.

Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?
Every Saturday night they would start in to roam
And on Sunday morning they'd come staggering home.
They went hunting for rabbits when the weather grew colder
But Crusoe came home with a hare on his shoulder.
Now, where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?

Robinson Crusoe was a good old scout.
Robinson Crusoe knew his way about.
He'd go out hunting chickens now and then
But he knew when
He was chasing a hen.
Once he told Friday, "You must stay at home
I've got to go out alone".
Friday felt very blue
He said, "It's wrong of you
Couldn't you fix it for two?"

Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?
One fine Saturday night they had nothing to do
So they started counting all the girlies they knew.
Friday counted to thirteen, and Crusoe said, "Brother,
You know, thirteen's unlucky. Let's go get another."
So, where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?

Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?
Every Saturday night they would start in to roam
And on Sunday morning they'd come staggering home.
On this island lived wild men and cannibal crimmin
And you know where there are wild men, there must be wild women.
So, where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

FIFTY MILLION FRENCHMEN CAN'T BE WRONG
Sophie Tucker

They say the French are naughty
They say the French are bad
They all declare that over there, the French are going mad.
They have a reputation of being very gay
I just got back from Paris, and I just want to say:
When they go parley-vee and parley-vou,
This for me, zat for you,
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
When they go Ohh la la la la la la la
On the bully boulevard
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
They shake-a the hand
They shake-a the feet
They roll ze eyes and kiss cafe right on the street
Even though the Irish and the Dutch
Say it don't amount to much
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

All of our fashions come from gay Par-ee
And if they come above the knee
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
And if they give the world a new design
To prove a lady has a spine
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
They shorten them here,
They shorten them there,
And if her name is Teddy, they make Teddy bare.
If they prefer to see their women dressed
With more or less of less and less,
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
When they put on a show, and it's a hit
No one tries to censor it
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
And when a book is selling at it's best
It isn't stopped; it's not suppressed.
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
Whenever they're dry
For brandy or rye,
To get it, they don't gave to give up their right eye.
And when we brag about our liberty
And they laugh at you and you and you and me
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

In Viva la France
They're full of romance
You'll find policemen with embroidery on their pants.
And when they start to sing the Marseillaise
They sing it forty different ways
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

The Bertha Butt Boogie - Part 1
Jimmy Castor Bunch


The party was jumpin' when Bertha got off o' her stump,
The whistles were blowin' and everybody did the "Bump".
But all the time Bertha had been workin' on her goodie,
Now folks call it "The Bertha Butt Boogie".

When Bertha Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Bertha Butt Boogie".
No question.

When Bertha got movin' her hips were hummin' in the wind,
The ground started shakin' - no grass grew where she'd been!
The music was poppin', the crowd had formed a ring,
Her sisters yelled, "Boogie, Bertha, do your thing!".

Uh, for your information, Bertha had three sisters,
Betty Butt, Bella Butt and Bathsheba Butt.

When Bertha Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Bertha Butt Boogie".
I said no question.

Hey, Leroy, get away from that woman!
The boy'll never learn!
Uh-oh, here comes the Troglodyte!
Troglodyte: "Come here, sock it to me!"

Bertha stood back and yelled, "Betty, Bella, Bathsheba!"
And the Butt Sisters backed her up when she yelled, "I need ya!".
The Troglodyte, Leroy, Luther and the Butt Sisters all knew
That "The Bertha Butt Boogie" was now the thing to do.

When Bertha Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Bertha Butt Boogie".
No question.

Bertha: "I'll sock it ya, daddy!"
Troglodyte: "Me like, me like! Come here, woman, woman!"
Leroy: "Yo' mama, I'm calling you, man!"
Troglodyte: "Yeah - the Boogie!"

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Sticky

<b>krazykemist</b>, reading the lyrics to Shaving Cream brought back a lot of memories. It has been so long since I heard it.


How about this one:


<b>Asshole</b>
<i>Dennis Leary</i>

[Spoken]
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you. The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nic hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Naaaah!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

[Spoken]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. YOu know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why.

[Spoken]
Two words. Nuclear fucking weapons, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the Democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiple that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes...
(Hey)
and Lee Marvin
(Hey)
and Sam Pekinpah
(Hey)
And a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas...
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E

[Barking]
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Oooh Oooh

[Spoken]
I'm an asshole and proud of it!

__________________
Sticky The Stickman

Sticky

Here is a good one by the Kids in the Hall

<b>Daves I Know</b>

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

David Hoffman
He works in my dad's store
He's worked here for 12 years
He'll probably work here for more

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Dave Gort
I've known since I was six
In grade eight he broke his leg
So we got drunk and sick

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Some of them are Davids
[Dave Gort: But most of us are Daves]
They all have their own hands
But they come from different moms

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Dave Jadiski
Man, this cat can swing
He weighs almost 50 pounds
And he delivers my paper on time

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Dave Capisano
I hardly know him
...
[Bruce stands around, looking vaguely uncomfortable for the rest of the measure]

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

[Next two measures sung by the Daves Bruce knows: ] We are the Daves he knows, he knows
We are the Daves he knows
We are the Daves he knows, he knows
We are the Daves he knows

Some of us them are Davids
But most of us are Daves
We all have our own hands
But we come from different moms

These are the Daves I know, I know
[Daves: We are the Daves he knows, he knows]
[All: These are the Daves]

__________________
Sticky The Stickman

uncle phil

Pencil Neck Geek
Freddie Blassie


Back when I was a kid, life was going swell.
Till something happened, blew every thing to hell.
That night my daddy stumbled in, all pale and weak,
Said "A woman up the block just gave birth to a geek."

Mom said, "Sell it to the circus, what the heck."
Dad said, "Nope, this one's a pencil neck.
And if there's one thing lower than a side show freak,
It's a grit eatin', scum suckin', pencil neck geek."

You see if you take a pencil that won't hold lead,
Looks like a pipe cleaner attached to a head,
Add a buggy whip body with a brain that leaks,
You got yourself a grit eatin', pencil neck geek.

(chorus)
Pencil neck geek, grit eatin' freak,
scum suckin', pea head with a lousy physique.
He's a one man, no gut, loosing streak.
Nothin' but a pencil neck geek.

Soon the geeks were poppin' up all over town.
You couldn't hardly sneeze without knockin' one down.
After a nice juicy steak, if you need a toothpick,
Just reach for a geek, they'll do the trick.

One day we cut one up for fish bait.
Learned our lesson just a little bit late.
Soon as the geek hit the drink, the water turned red.
Next day, sure enough, all the fish were dead.

chorus

Most any night you know where I can be found.
Yeah, stomping some geek's head into the ground.
So keep the faith 'cause in Blassie you can trust,
I won't give up 'til the last geek bites the dust.

chorus

They say, "these geeks come a dime a dozen."
I'm lookin' for the guy who's supplin' the dimes.
Its gonna be real hard times for all of these
grit eatin',
scum suckin',
boot lickin',
drop kickin',
gut grindin',
nail bitin',
glue sniffin',
scab pickin',
butt scratchin',
egg hatchin',
sleezy,
smelly,
pepper bellied,
dirty, lousy, rotten, stinkin', freaks.
Nothing but a pencil neck geek.

Pencil neck geek.
Pencil neck geek.
Pencil neck geek.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.