uncle phil

ICE CREAM


In the land of ice and snow
Up among the Eskimo
There's a college known as Oogie-wawa.
You should hear those college boys
Gee, they make an awful noise
When they sing their Eskimo tra la la.
They've got a leader, big cheer leader, oh what a guy!
He's got a frozen face just like an Eskimo Pie.
When he says, "Come on, let's go!"
Though it's forty-five below
Listen what those Eskimo all holler:

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Rah, rah...Oogie de wawa rah rah rah!
Tuesday, Monday, we all scream for Sundae!
Sis, boom, Aurora borealea, bah!
Boola boola
Sasparoola
We've got the chocolate
I'll take vanoola
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Rah, rah, ice cream soda or gingerale pop!


Father mother
Sister brother
When they've had one at lion
They want another

Colleges may come and go
But the world will never know
Any other place like Oogie-wawa
Oxford, Cambridge, Eaton too
Football teams would all turn blue
When they played a game with Oogie-wawa
Those Esquimos looked mighty tough when they took the field
And people said, Ah, they're the team that never will yield
Then with gore and flying fur
Just to show how tough they were
All those Esquimos began to holler

Iceberg, Lindberg, Sol Berg and Ginzberg,
Ice cream Cohen.
I scream, you scream, everybody wants ice cream.
Rah, rah, raaazberry!

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

1, 2, 3 RED LIGHT
1910 Fruitgum Co.


Everytime I try to prove I love you
1, 2, 3 red light stops me
Baby you ain't right to stop me
1, 2, 3 red light stops me
Everytime I try to love you
1, 2, 3 red light stops me
Baby every night you stop me
1, 2, 3 red light
Stop the game (stop the game)
You got too much to lose (too much to lose)
If you stop me again
That's when we might end
So please don't refuse (please don't refuse)
Everytime I make a move to love you
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
Baby you ain't right to stop me
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
Everytime I try to prove I love you
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
When I know I'm right don't stop me
1, 2, 3 red light
Everytime I make a move to love you
1, 2, 3 red light don't stop me
Baby you ain't right to stop me
1, 2, 3, red light (fades out)

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Jimmy Buffett
Cheeseburger in Paradise

Tried to amend my carnivorous habits.
Made it nearly seventy days,
Losin' weight without speed, eatin' sunflower seeds,
Drinkin' lots of carrot juice and soakin' up rays.

But at night I'd have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat.
Not zucchini, fettucini, or bulgar wheat,
But a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat.

Cheeseburger is paradise.
Heaven on earth with an onion slice.
Not too particular, not too precise.
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.

I like mine with lettuce and tomato,
Heinz Fifty-seven and French fried potatoes.
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer.
Well, good God Almighty, which way do I steer
For my cheeseburger in paradise.

Heard about the oldtime sailor men,
They eat the same thing again and again;
Warm beer and bread they say could raise the dead.
Well, it reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn.

But times have changed for sailors these days.
When I'm in port I get what I need.
Not just Havanas or banana or daiquiris,
But that American creation on which I feed.

Cheeseburger is paradise medium rare with mustard'd be nice
Not too particular, not too precise
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.

I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draught beer
Well, good god Almighty which way do I steer

For a cheeseburger in paradise
Makin' the best of every virtue and vice.
Worth every damn bit of sacrifice
To get a cheeseburger in paradise.
To be a cheeseburger in paradise.
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Frowning Budah

I am too lazy to type this so I made my wife come do it.

This is the start of the large dark aardvark song.boom boom boom boom yeh yeh yeh
There is a large dark aardvark in the park they say he's missing from the zoo.
And the police are looking high and low but they have not found him have you?
Oh, well I'll tell you the reason, It's cuz it's aardvark mating season
When an aardvark makes a date you know he'll never, ever get there late.
So if you see two aardvarks necking in the park don't upset their apple cart.
Mustn't be a spy. You're not the FBI and you should never break an aardvark's heart!

dankitti

Electric Aunt Jemima by The Mothers Of Invention

Electric Aunt Jemima
Goddess of Love
Khaki Maple Buckwheats
Frizzle on the stove
Queen of my heart
Please hear my plea
Electric Aunt Jemima
Cook a bunch for me
Tried to find a reason
Not to quit my job
Beat me till I'm hungry
Found a punk to rob
Love me Aunt Jemima
Love me now & ever more
Love me Aunt Jemima
Tried to find a raisin
Brownies in the basin
Monza by the street light
Aunt Jemima all night
Holiday & salad days
And days of mouldy mayonaise
Caress me
Caress me Aunt Jemima

__________________
Aw' little girl, there ain't no time
To wash yer stinky hand
Go 'head 'n' roll over
I'm goin' in you again
In you again
In you again
In you again...

--Frank appa
I Have Been In Yo

uncle phil

THE PRUNE SONG


Nowadays we often gaze on women over fifty
Without the slightest trace
Of wrinkles on their face.
Doctors go and take their dough to make them young and nifty.
But doctors I defy
To tell me just why

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
We may get them on our face;
Prunes get them every place.
Nothing every worries them, their life's an open book.
But no matter how young a prune may be, it has a worried look.

Wrinkles, wrinkles, La la la la la

Every day, in every way, the world is getting better.
We've even learned to fly.
Days go passing by.
But what about the poor old prune?
His life is only wetter.
No wonder he can't grin
In the awful stew he's in.

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
Now, we may get them here and there,
But pruneies get 'em everywhere.
Babies fret until they hear a mother's lullaby
But no matter how young a prune may be you'll never hear it cry.

In the kingdom of the fruits, the prune is snubbed by others.
And they are not allowed
To mingle with the crowd.
Though they're never on display with all their highbrow brothers
They never seem to mind.
To this fact they're resigned.

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
Beauty treatments always fail;
They've tried all to no avail.
Yet other fruits are envious
Because they know real well
No matter how poor a prune may be
Hot water makes it swell.


Peaches and bananas have that skin you love to touch,
But no matter how fine a prune may be it don't amount to much.

Prohibition bothers us, but prunes don't sit and brood.
No matter how young a prune may be, it's always getting stewed.

No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles.
Baby prunes look like their dad,
Just not wrinkled quite as bad.
Prunes act very kind, they say, when sickly people moan.
But no matter how kind a prune may be, it has a heart of stone.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

They're Coming To Take Me Away


Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees and begged
You not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well!
You left me anyhow and then
The days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind.

And

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

You thought it was a joke
and so you laughed, you laughed,
when I had said that losing you
would make me flip my lid.
Right?
You know you laughed
I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed
and laughed and then you left but
Now you know I'm utterly mad

And

They're coming to take me away, ha-ha,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho,
hee hee, haa haa
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-hahaha...

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house,
And this is how you pay me back for
All my kind, unselfish, loving deeds,
Hah?
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet
And when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangey mutt!

And

They're coming to take me away, Ha-ha
They're coming to take me away, Ho-ho
Hee-hee-haa-haa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those
Nice young men in their clean white coats and
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha!

To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket-weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, ha-hahaha...

To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see.....

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

KWSN

Roger Miller - My Uncle Used to Love Me But She Died

My uncle used to love but she died
A chicken ain't chicken 'til he's licken good and fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to love me but she died

Who'll bid me quarter, thirty cents for a ring of keys
Three sixty-five for a dollar bill of groceries
I'll have me a car of my own someday but 'til then i need a ride (thanks steve)
My uncle used to love me but she died

My uncle used to love but she died
A chicken ain't chicken 'til he's licken good and fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to live me but she died

Hamburger cup of coffee lettuce and tomato
Two times a dime to see a man kiss the alligater
One more time around free on the ferris wheel ride
My uncle used to love me but she died

My uncle used to love but she died
A chicken ain't chicken 'til he's licken good and fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to live me but she died

Apples are for eatin and snakes are for hissin
I've heard about a'huggin and i've heard about kissin
I read about it free in a fifty cent illustrated guide
My uncle used to love me but she died

My uncle used to love but she died
A chicken ain't chicken 'til he's licken good and fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to live me but she died

Well my uncle used to love but she died
A chicken ain't chicken 'til he's licken good and fried
Keep on the sunny side
My uncle used to live me but she died

__________________
Your arms are broken!

Meridae'n

Santa Claus - Kevin Bloody Wilson (Warning... very ordinary language!)


Hey Santa claus you cunt!

Where's me fucking bike?

I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.

I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice

Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.

If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.

And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!

You've stuffed me bloody order up

It's enough to make you spew

And I'm not the only one who's snakey

Me sisters dirty too!

(female voice)
Hey santa clause you cunt!

Where's me fucking pram?

You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.

'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand

I'll give you fucking ho ho ho

You forgot me fucking pram

(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts

And I'll let your fucking reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!

You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store

And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door

And we'll say, yeah you wait for it

Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes

And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies

He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright

'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.

You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in

Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out

"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"



This bloke makes me laugh...

__________________
What's easier to believe: that a guy was born without sex in the manner of several Greek demigods and grew up to be able to transmute liquids and alter his body density yet couldn't escape government execution, or that three freemasons in a vehicle made with aluminum foil in an era before digital technology escaped our atmosphere, landing on the moon, broadcasted from there, and then flew back without burning up?

Spinach_Indeed

Arrogant Worms - Santa's gonna Kick your Ass

oooooohhhhh
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
Cuz you've always been a rotten little brat

Reindeer coming and they're gonna bite your wreath
They're gonna chew your welcome mat
Swallow your kitty cat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna eat your begonias
Cuz santa hasn't fed them in a month

Santa's coming and he's gonna KICK your ass
He's gonna KICK your ass
He's gonna KICK your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna KICK your ass
Cuz he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo

Alves are coming and they're gonna steal your turkey
Wreck your tv
Burn down your christmas tree
Elves are coming and they're gonna trash your home
Cuz they ain't got nothing else to do

Santa's loaded with attitude
He's loud and drunk and smelly and rude
His workshops been closed by an auditor
And mrs. clause ran off with her chiropractor

Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
Cuz he's had a really crummy year

__________________
Spinach in Need is Spinach Indeed

uncle phil

Rufus Is A Tit-Man
Louden Wainwright III)


Rufus is a tit man
sucking on his mamma's gland
sucking on the nipple
its sweeter than the ripple wine
yes its sweeter than the wine
you can tell by the way the boy burps
that its gatta taste fine

Marco Polo craved the spices, silk
and Rufus craves the mama's milk
no moo cow, no billy goat
is gonna get the babys vote
come on mamma
come on and open up your shirt
yeah you got the goods mamma
give the little boy a squirt

from my lungs and from my liver
i do definitely fear
i like to suck on cigarettes
and drink the wine and beer
the doctor says im oral
and i believe its true
ah son you look so satisfied and I envy you

So put Rufus on the left one
and put me right on the right
and like Romulus and Remus
We'll suck all night
come on mamma
come on and lactate a while
yeah look down on us mamma
and flash us a madonna smile

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Memalvada

Artist: Liam Lynch
Song: United States of Whatever

Lyrics:

I went down to the beach and saw Kiki
She was, like, all "ehhhh"
And I was, like, "whatever!"

Then this chick comes up to me and she's all, like,
" Hey, aren't you that dude?"
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

So later I'm at the pool hall
And this girl comes up
And she's, like, "awww"
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

Cuz this is my
United States of Whatever!
And this is my
United States of Whatever!
And this is my
United States of Whatever!

And then it's three A.M.
And I'm on the corner, wearing my leather
This dude comes up and he's, like, "hey, punk!"
I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

Then I'm throwing dice in the alley
Officer Leroy comes up and is, like,
" Hey, I thought I told you..."
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

And then up comes Zafo
I'm, like, "yo, Zafo. What's up?"
He's, like, "nothin'"
And I'm, like, "that's cool."

Cuz this is my
United States of Whatever!
And this is my
United States of Whatever!

__________________
"The weak are food for the strong, so die and let me feast!" - Makoto Shishio (RK)

pangavan

existential blues

The elusive butterfly has just tiptoed past my door
My bonny likes the Yankees, she says "hey t-bone what's the score?"
I say "well, Reggie got 1 and 1 and 3 and 25 is 6 to 4"
Is the left wing really pinko? Colonel Sanders, what a bore.
You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose?
Is it schizoid paranoia or just existential blues?

The amenities of life have been chasing my soul
And my mind is transcendental, and I'm losing all control
And I'm sinking in the quagmire of illusions and Thoreau
I cry out "My name is T-Bone" as a hound dog digs a hole.
You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose?
Is it plain as heebie-jeebies or just existential blues?

Sailing, sailing, what is illusion, what is truth?
Sailing, sailing, over the existential blues.
God bless America, and Old Glory too.
May she always wave o'er us and the red, white and existential
blues.

Bom-idda-bom (and more blue moon noises here)
The existential blues.
Hey you can do what you want but lay off my existential blues
My blue suede existential blues.

I was on a QUEST
Walking down the road today, doo-dah, doo-dah
I was walking down the road
I was looking for the truth of life
When I came across all these little people, little people
Little people all around me.

They looked up at me and said "Hey Mister, are you tall?"
And I said "Yes I'm tall, but who are you weird little wonders?"
And they looked up at me witht their big bloodshot eyes and said
"We are the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids
We are the lollipop kids, we'd like to welcome you to munchkin land."

I said "Hey, hey, weird little wonders, I am on a quest.
Walking on the road today doo-dah, doo-dah"
I said "Hey kids I'm looking for the truth of life...
Where do I go? Who do I see?"

"Slow down mister. In order to find the truth of life, one must
see THE WIZARD!"
I said "The WIZARD????" Well where does this wizard oh wise one live?"
"You see the big green glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill?
I said "Yes, I see the big green glow-in-the-dark house up on the hill"
With the big dark forest between me and the big green glow-in-the-dark
house up on the hill. And a little old lady on a Hoover vacuum
cleaner going "I'll get you my little pretty, and your dog Toto too!"
I don't even HAVE a little dog Toto...

Such predicaments! I must forage ahead!
Walking down the road today, doo-dah, doo-dah
I must find the truth of life
I said "but you know kids, I can handle the big green glow-in-the-
dark house up on the hill, I can handle the dark forest, I can
handle the little old lady and the very strange road they're
sending me down... I've seen yellow stripes in the middle of the
road, but kids, never quite that wide!"

Alright, tighten your shorts pilgrim, and sing like the Duke:
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow follow follow follow follow
Follow the yellow brick road
And ever a wonderful Wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is
one because because because because because because
Because of the wonderful things he does.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la
We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Well, I got a little bit tired.
Walking down the road today, doooo-dahhhhh, dooooo-daaaaahhhhhh.
A little bit tired of walking down this old blinding yellow
brick road
So I pulled my little tired body off to a little rest area,
And lo and behold there's a little field of little red
flowers out there
[Sniff] Smells so good. Whoa! Getting pretty tired.
Smells so good [sniff]
Figured I'd just strectch out for a bit in this little field of...
poppies poppies poppies poppies poppies poppies ....
I was having a really strange dream, man, you know,
Little red flowers just smell awfully good
I was having a great time
The old wizard's just going to have to wait, man.
And I'm just going to strecth out again in this field of poppies.
OhgodohgodDorothyDorothypoppiesfieldpoppiesfield...

Along came this old man in a green El Dorado two
Screeched to a halt.
A little short man with a big red nose, toting a bottle of
Yukon Jack,
Strolled up to me and said "hey, son"
I said "Old man, don't bother me, poppies poppies poppies poppies"
He said "T-Bone"
I said "wait a minute, this man knows my name! He must be...
THE WIZARD!!!!"
You must be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz, Why have you come to
haunt me, O Wizard of Oz?
I said "Oh Wizard O Wise one, I've been on a quest
Walking down the road today, doo-dah, doo-dah
We are the lollipop kids, the lollipop kids
Follow the yellow brick road follow the...
I got tired, poppies poppies poppies poppies ...
Little man, I've been through hell!"

He said "hey, slow down, relax!"
I said "Oh Wizard, oh wise one, I've come so far to find the truth
of life"
He said "Hey, son, slow down, relax. To tell you the truth, son..."
I said "Wizard, that's what I've come to find is the truth"
He said "no, son, you've got me all wrong. To tell you the truth,
son, how can I tell you this? Uh, I've been in this field
of poppies a long time, myself, and I've come to find, son,
that the only truth in life is right here in this bottle."
I said "WIZARD!!!?!??!?"
He said "No, truly, son, in fact, I'd rather have this bottle
in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!"

How profound, Wizard!

Some girl with psychic powers, she said "T-bone, what's your
sign"
I blink and answer "Neon," I thought I'd blow her mind.
She's reading Moby Dick, by some fruitcake named Herman.
She's chomping of some knockwurst
Are the [indeciperable] really German?
You ask so many questions, what answers should I choose?
Is this really Butte, Montana or just existential blues?

Really Butte, Montana... is as plain as heebie-jeebies...
Is it schizoid paranoia....

la-la-la-la-la-la-la

EXISTENTIAL BLUES!

__________________
He is, moreover, a frequent drunkard, a glutton, and a patron of ladies who are no better than they should be.

grumpyolddude

The Skeeter Song
author unknown

There's a skeeter on my peter, flick it off.
There's a skeeter on my peter, flick it off.
There's a dozen on my cousin
You can hear those suckers buzzin'
There's a skeeter on my peter, flick it off.

__________________
"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

uncle phil

Earache My Eye
Cheech & Chong


My momma talkin' to me tryin' to tell me how to live
But I don't listen to her 'cause my head is like a sieve
My daddy, he disowned me 'cause I wear my sister's clothes
He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose

My basketball coach, he done kicked me off the team
For wearin' high-heel sneakers and actin' like a queen

------ lead guitar ------

The world's comin' to an end, I don't even care
As long as I can have a limo and my orange hair
And it don't bother me if people think I'm "funny"
'Cause I'm a big rock star and I'm makin' lots of money
money, money, money, money, money, money
Ahhh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

I'm so bloody rich! Ha ha ha ha
I own apartment buildings and shopping centers! Ha ha ha ha
And I only know three chords! Ha ha ha ha

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Elvis and I
Denis Leary


Elvis and I order Domino's Pizza with extra cheese
Suckin' down Formula 44D
Elvis and I put on diapers and extra sheer pantyhose
We never argue or overdose
He says, "Do I look fat to you?"
I say, "No King, it's not true.
You just have very big bones."
And then he fires his .44 into the television
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I put on big belts and drive down to Burger King
He lets me croon and I let him steer
Elvis and I fry up demorol tablets and bacon grease
Torkin' down microwave tacos and beer
He says, "I don't wanna be on no stamp man."
I say, "I understand."
He says, "My mama should be on that stamp man."
And then he fires his .44 into the television
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I chop up onions and methamphetamines
We cook 'em up with some peanut butter and cheese
Elvis and I call up Cadillac dealerships all night long
Suckin' down Ny Quil stingers and cheese
He says, "What the hell's Lisa Marie thinking,
With that Michael Jackson crap?
She should have married Janet or LaToya or Tito or even Mahalia Jackson."
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I
Elvis and I

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Feels Like Sex
Geri Halliwell


Have you ever felt too hot to go to bed
Touched yourself instead and watched your body talk
Just let your body talk
Have you ever felt just too hungry for love
The more you get you find that it's just not enough
But you really can't give it up

All you people out there
Put your hands up in the air
Are you feeling you know what
Or do you really care

If it feels like love
Then give it baby that's a rush
If it feels like pain, pain, pain, pain
It's really just the same
If the mood is rude
Then you got the right attitude
And ya better get down, you don't have to get undressed
Just because if feels like sex

Have you ever had a mind too dirty to read
Kinky freaks why don't you get down on your knees
I'm getting hard to please
Have you ever whipped love and left it to cry
Ask yourself the question
Does the cherry pie leave you satisfied

Turn out the light, so I can feel what you're thinking
Do you think we'd get it past the watershed
Let's take it slow, 'cause you know
I know you know, sex is in your head

Baby I want you to know
You're not the only one
I'm on my way to sexual healing
Do you wanna come?

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Chingal0

Suck a Cheetah's Dick - Wesley Willis ..

Suck a polar bear's funky ass!
Suck a racehorse's cock with Heinz Tomato Ketchup!
Suck a donkey's shitty ass!
Suck a male camel's dick with Hoisen sauce!

Suck a cheetah's dick (4)

Suck a European bison's smelly ass!
Suck a woolly mammoth's dick with Miracle Whip!
Suck a snow leopard's ass with whip cream!
Suck a hyena's spermy dick!

Suck a cheetah's dick (4)

Suck a llama's shitty asshole!
Suck a panda bear's spermy nutsack!
Suck a sloth bear's bootyhole!
Suck a greyhound's musty ass, mothafucka!

Suck a cheetah's dick (4)

Polaroid, see what develops...


Quite the interesting song, dunno what would provoke one to write something like this...

__________________
"Eventually I became too sexy for my gym membership fee."

uncle phil

Fire Water Burn
Bloodhound Gang


The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker burn

Hello my name is Jimmy Pop and I'm a dumb white guy
I'm not old or new but middle school fifth grade like junior high
I don't know mofo if y'all peeps be buggin' give props to my ho cause she all fly
But I can take the heat cause I'm the other white meat known as 'Kid Funky Fried'
Yeah I'm hung like planet Pluto hard to see with the naked eye
But if I crashed into Uranus I would stick it where the sun don't shine
Cause I'm kind of like Han Solo always stroking my own wookie
I'm the root of all that's evil yeah but you can call me cookie
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker burn

Yo yo this hard-core ghetto gangster image takes a lot of practice
I'm not black like Barry White no I am white like Frank Black is
So if man is five and the devil is six than that must make me seven
This honkey's gone to heaven
But if I go to hell then I hope I burn well
I'll spend my days with J.F.K., Marvin Gaye, Martha Raye, and Lawrence Welk
And Kurt Cobain, Kojak, Mark Twain and Jimi Hendrix's poltergeist
And Webster yeah Emmanuel Lewis cause he's the anti-christ
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker burn

Everybody here we go
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Throw your hands in the air
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Wave 'em like you don't care
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Everbody say ho
Ohh Ohh
C'mon party people
Ohh Ohh
Everybody here we go
(repeat till end)

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Hell Yeah
Bloodhound Gang


Alright now boys and girls we’ve got another story for you now!
We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible!

Hell yeah (4x)

If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea

If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a “Speed 2"
If I were God that’s what I’d do Heavens no

Hell yeah (4x)

If I were God I’d get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing
If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut “Footloose"
If I were God that’s what I’d do, Heavens no

Hell yeah (4x)

And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
I’ll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off
He goes by the name Jesus and steals hubcaps from cars
Oh Jesus can I borrow your crowbar?
To pry these God damn nails out they’re beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!" I’ll sing as I’m flogged
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God

So vote for me for Savior and you’ll go to Heaven
Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in “Seven"
With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick
You just can’t teach an old God new tricks
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don’t believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy “holier than thou" facade
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

I Hope You Die
Bloodhound Gang


You must die I alone am best!

I hope ya flip some guy the bird
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
In front of the Beatles' tour bus
A Bookmobile and a Mack truck
Hauling hazardous biological waste
The light turns red you have no brakes
And "Hard Copy" gets it all on tape
So you can see the look on your face

Die Die Die Die Die Die Die
Die Die Die Die Die Die Die

I hope your Pinto begins to spin
Takes out a disabled Vietnam Veteran
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize Winner
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner
Perhaps even the British Royal Family
And the Rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
And we can't forget the newlyweds
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But C.N.N. refer to him as "Bowling Ball Bag Bob"
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the "Silence of the Lambs" dance to Christian Rock
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance"
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince

Die Die Die Die Die Die Die
Die Die Die Die Die Die Die

I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson
And forces you to play a game called "Balls On Chin"
And whatever happens next is all a blur
But you remember "fist" can be a verb
And when you finally regain consciousness
You're bound and gagged in a wedding dress
And the prison guard looks the other way
‘Cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope you die

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

bonbonbox

LET'S TALK DIRTY IN HAWAIIAN

I packed my bags and bought myself a ticket
For the land of the tall palm tree
Aloha Old Milwaukee, Hello Waikiki
I just stepped down from the airplane
When I thought I heard her say
Waka waka nuka nuka, waka waka nuka nuka
Would you like a lei? Eh?

Chorus
Let's talk dirty in Hawaiian
Whisper in my ear
Kicka poo ka maka wa wah wahini
Are the words I long to hear
Lay your coconut on my tiki
What the hecka mooka mooka dear

Let's talk dirty in Hawaiian
Say the words I long to hear
It's a ukelele Honolulu sunset
Listen to the grass skirts sway
Drinking rum from a pineapple
Out on Honolulu Bay

The steel guitars all playing
While she's talking with her hands
Gimme gimme oka doka make a wish and wanta polka
Words I understand
{c:Chorus}

I boughta lota junka with my moola
And sent it to the folks back home
I never had the chance to dance the hula
I guess I should have known
When you start talking to the sweet wahini
Walking in the pale moonlight
Oka doka what a setta knocka rocka sis boom bocas
Hope I said it right


John Prine

uncle phil

Jackass
Bloodhound Gang

Jackass.
I'm a Pimped out Jedi Knight,
Obi-Wan meets Dolomite,
Ben Kenobi went and got himself a Pompador,
These aren't the whores you're looking for

Jackass.
If the Crocodile hunter smoked weed,
Steve Irwin burning herb in his Jeep,
Kicks the kangaroos for laughing at his hair cut,
Used to fall for that too but

(Chorus)
If you knew me like,
I know myself,
You'd hate me like
I hate myself,
'Cause i'm a ...

Jackass.
Got no Rabbit in this hat,
'Cause I'm pulling it out my ass
Ain't Siegfried or Roy but I could be,
Making Magic with a pussy.

Jackass.
Like that dude in Tienemen Square,
With a Six pack and a folding chair,
Guy bothered the parade and ended up,
Playing Chicken with the tanks but

(Chorus)

We could out the Lesbian Spice Girl,
They could try to run Game on the ODB.
They could kick every douche bag off the Real World,
But they won't get rid of me!

If I knew you like,
You know yourself,
I'd hate you like,
You hate yourself,
Hate yourself,
Hate yourself,
Hate yourself,
Hate yourself,
Hate yourself,
Hate yourself,
'Cause you're a Jackass!

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up
Denis Leary


Life's gonna suck when you grow up
When you grow up
When you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
It sucks pretty bad right not
Sing along!

You're gonna have to mow the lawn,
Do the dishes,
Make your bed,
You're gonna have to go to school
Until you're 17
3 times as long as that

You might have to go to war
Shoot a gun
Kill a nun
You might have to go to war
When you get out of school

It gets a lot worse

You're gonna have to deal with stress
Deal with stress
Deal with stress
You're gonna be a giant mess
When you get back from the war

Santa Claus does not exist,
and there's no Easter Bunny
You'll find out when you grow up
that Big Bird isn't funny
Funny
Funny
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ah, Life's gonna suck when you grow up
When you grow up
When you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
It sucks pretty bad right now

You're gonna end up smoking crack
On your back,
Face the fact
You're gonna end up hooked on smack
And then you're gonna die

And then you're gonna die

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Save This
Denis Leary


I have no head for figures
My hands cannot explain
Endangered animals and acid rain
I see dead rivers running dry
I see the activists who march and cry
How they cry singin'
Why must we desecrate this land
I'll tell you why
Because we can that's why
Save the whales, save the seals
Save he eagle, save the bison and the beach
Why not save your breath
Save the porpoise, and the dolphin
Save the gerbil, save the racoon and the rat
Why not save some stamps
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I walk errect
See the cheetah, oh so supple, lean and quick
As he chases a gazzelle
But he can't drive a car
At least not very far
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I can pay for sex
"Hey, there's a great show on teh Discovery Channel tonight,
the history of the badger."
"Hmm, I wonder what badger tastes like?"
"I don't know, probably tastes like ferret."
"Wow, you had ferret?"
"Yeah."
"What's it taste like?"
"Chicken."
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I can wipe my ass
"What gives you the right to kill at will?"
"I'll tell you what, guns.
Big fuckin' guns with giant fuckin' bullets pal."
I am a human, I'm a goddamn human being
I can shave my balls

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

The I-95 Song
Fred "August" Campbell and the Spur of the Moment Band

Well I was driving down I-95 the other night,
when somebody nearly cut me right off the road.
I decided it wasn't going to do any good to get mad,
so I wrote a song about him instead. It goes like this...

Were you bo-rn an asshole, or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine, 'cause you're an ass-hole tonight.

Yes you're an ASS-HOLE, and don't you try to blame it on me,
you deserve all the credit, you're an asshole tonight.

You were an ass-hole yesterday, you're an ass-hole tonight,
and I've got a feeling, you'll be an asshole the rest of your life.

And I was talking to your mother, just the other night,
I told her I thought you were an asshole, she said "yes, I think you're right".

And all your friends are assholes, 'cause you've known them your whole life,
and somebody told me, you've got an asshole for a wife.

Were you born an asshole, or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine, 'cause you're an asshole tonight.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

the rodeo song
showdown

Well it's forty below
And I don't give a fuck
Got a heater in my truck
And I'm off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know you piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves

Well here comes Johnny
With his pecker in his hand
He's a one-ball man
And he's off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know you piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves

(INSTRUMENTAL)

Well it's forty below
And I ain't got a truck
And I don't give a fuck
'Cause I'm off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know you piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves

Well heer comes Johnny
With his pecker in his hand
He's a one-ball man
And he's off to the rodeo
It's an allamande left
And allamande right
C'mon you fuckin' dummy
Get your right step right
Get offstage you goddamn goof
Y'know you piss me off
You fucking jerk
Get on my nerves

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Redlemon

Hey, thanks for posting that. I remember that from The Dr. Demento Show back in the mid-80s, but every third word was beeped out. I kinda wondered which words fit where...

SuperMidget

hey uncle phil, I have a couple requests for ya:

C.B. Savage by CW McCall
Night Rider by CW McCall

uncle phil

Night Rider
C. W. McCall


[A ghostly chorus]
Night rider

Well, a-truckin' on the night line, quarter past five
Tryin' to get my rig an' me to 'Frisco alive
Fog lights up tight, a-givin' me the creeps
Just a Winnemucca trucka with a load a' black sheep

[A ghostly chorus]
Night rider

I got a belly full a' jelly and head full a' pain
Bennies spinnin' spider webs, a-messin' my brain
Tryin' ta get myself together with a shot a' black C
What I really oughta get me is an hour a' Zs

[Chorus, but not ghostly]
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights, 'til you've gone blind

Well, Alabammy Mammy got a spell on my life
Kansas City Kitty cut my heart out tonight
I lost a C-note in Reno off a' Keno and craps
And now Smokey's on the overpass a-settin' his traps
White lines lasers burnin' holes in my eyes
Feel like I'm hypnotized, think I'm gonna die
Interstate 80, gonna get me no sleep
Just a-winkin' and a-blinkin' with a stinkin' load a' sheep

[Chorus]
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights, 'til you've gone blind

[A ghostly chorus]
Night rider

[Ghostly, but it's not the chorus]
Ba ba black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sah, yes sah, three bags full
One for my master, and one for my dame
And one for Jimmy Bowen who lives in L.A.


[Chorus]
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind (yeah)
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind

[Psychotic cackling here. He's losin' it.]

Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind

[Fade out]
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind
Night Rider, Night Rider, losin' your mind
Look at those lights 'til you think you've gone blind

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Voices in My Head
Denis Leary


I want you to get a gun
And head on down to Washington

I want you to climb up high
High in the sky
And shoot them all

Th-Th-They d-d-don't deserve to live
What did they ever give to you?
Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah nah

(Spoken)
You know what I want you to do? I want you to go upstairs to that
apartment where that guy keeps playing that Barry Manilow record
"Copacabana" over and over and over again. I want you to ring the
doorbell, and when he answers the door. I want you to stab him in
the neck with a number 2 pencil over and over and over again
because he must pay! Chop him up and put him in the freezer and
as you leave the apartment, light the place on fire!

Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my
Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my

You should dress up like a clown
Arf Arf Hoooowwwwll

(Spoken as a mother)
Hi, you never called me back. I got the pictures back from
Thanksgiving. I don't know why you wear that earring. If your
father was alive I don't know what he'd say. I was talking to
Mrs. Corelli yesterday. You know Bobby Corelli who was in your grade?
He got promoted again in his law firm. He's making $175,000 a
year now. Are you on drugs? Why don't you ever call me back?
When are you gonna get married son? Isn't it about time you
settled down and got yourself a wife and got yourself a house
and got a kid, and got a car, and got a dog, and got a lawnmower,
and got a nice picket fence . . .

Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my
Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my head
The Voices in my head

Why, why is it every time I gotta
Wait on fuckin' line

(Spoken)
Why is it every time I turn on my television set I gotta see
Sally Struthers and those starving kids? Why can't somebody just
send her a check and shut her and those God damn kids up?
Where's Rob Reiner when you need him?

Why, why don't they drop the bomb
Right on top of everyone
Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah nah

Voices in my head

These are the
Voices in my
Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my

Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my
Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my

Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my
Voices in my head
These are the
Voices in my

Stop, stop, stop with the singing!

Whew.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Magna Cum Nada
Bloodhound Gang


Why try? I’m that guy
Holden Caulfield from “Catcher In The Rye"
Put away ‘cause he wasn’t all there
Like a jigsaw puzzle you might compare
Me to him not a liver but wurst
Been much better off as a still birth
Big let down unparalleled
Like the last episode of “Seinfeld"
Or Jack Lemmon in “Glengarry Glen Ross"
Pepsi Challenge took it lost
Just fizzed out with my wires crossed
Buttons pushed but never went off
Like Martha I will self-destruct
The name’s Dunnstock it’s not Dumptruck
Just cursed as fuck with no such luck
My future plans include not much


Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me (3x)


Always gonna be always gonna be always gonna always gonna be
Most likely to suck


Wanna be a Ghostbuster
First black President, owner of “Hustler"
Got shot down like Larry Flynt
Felt like shit like a bowel movement
Have you seen my will to live?
Because I seem to have lost it
Lovelife? No but Mom thinks I’m handsome
Couldn’t get off if I held a pimp for ransom
Feel like Jimmy Stewart no one sees my Harvey
Toxic Shock Syndrome gets more girls than me
Like Pee Wee Herman spermin' I can
See the future in the palm of my hand
Psychic Friends, Network loser
Large phone bill in my very near future
Dealt nothing and bluffing hard
Playing poker with a joker and some Uno cards


Never gonna be never gonna be never gonna never gonna be
Nothin' more than me (3x)


Always gonna be always gonna be always gonna always gonna be
Most likely to suck


Most likely to suck (5x)

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

Bloodhound Gang
Mope


We gonna drop this next bomb for a money makin' playa
that ain't with us no mo.
Yeah, Notorious B.I.G.
Hell no, we gonna do this for a gangbanging thug
that never seen it comin'.
Yeah, Tupac Shakur.
Nah bitch, I'm talkin' ‘bout motherfuckin' Falco and shit.
What? Falco?

Rock me Amadeus
Rock me Amadeus
Rock me Amadeus
Rock me Amadeus

Tried to O.D. on the Cold-Eeze
"Golden Girls" got me "Sweatin' To The Oldies"
Hanging out like Double Ds sip Long Island Iced Teas
Wrote to Mayor McCheese "Send a Shamrock Shake please!"
Three O' Clock on the dot time to cruise for Eighth graders
Rather tape the Weather Channel so that I can watch it later
Reruns of Rerun so "What's Happening?"
Dee's knocked up and Rog on crack again
Deep throat a whole Nutty Buddy
Make whoopie to a batch of Silly Putty
Make a Spam and Colgate sandwich and ate it
Go through "National Geographic" and draw panties on the natives
So I like to dance naked in front of my pets
But my cat was inattentive so I sent him U.P.S.
Playin' spin the bottle with my mom
I watch "Cops" with no pants on

Must've blown a fuse nothing's going on
Lamer than the Pope climb the walls like King Kong
Buggin' out like Tori Spelling's eyes
Deader than the parents on a "Party of Five"
Luciano Pavoratti on a treadmill
Not going nowhere slim chance we will
Less hip than Bo Jackson bored like wood
Dick around like Frankie Goes To Hollywood

Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum
Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum

Nowhere to go I can't wake up late
Just sit around and wait for my Old Spice to activate
Stalemate jailbait in "My So-Called Life" imprisonment
Amazing what a good breakfast pickles make isn't it?
I like to pretend I'm speed reading
Never lose the sight of the thrill of sneezing
Don't need a shower today just some Brut by Faberge
Smell the ass of my jeans clean they'll do another day
And I recycle I sniff my own farts
I dial the wrong number hope a conversation starts
I mean I might as well be listenin' to Journey
Givin' myself a mullet hook the Flowbee to the Kirby
Make a prank call pretendin' I'm a mime
Get stuck in traffic just to pass the time
Sent a letter in the mail in Braille to Johnny Quest
Send me back my Etch-A-Sketch

Must've blown a fuse nothing's going on
Lamer than the Pope climb the walls like King Kong
Buggin' out like Tori Spelling's eyes
Deader than the parents on a "Party of Five"
Luciano Pavoratti on a treadmill
Not going nowhere slim chance we will
Less hip than Bo Jackson bored like wood
Dick around like Frankie Goes To Hollywood

Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum
Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum

I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums
When you wanna cum
I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums
When you wanna cum
I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums
When you wanna cum
I'm mighty tighty whitey and I'm smugglin' plums
When you wanna cum

Yo yo yo yo yo! What it is motherfuckers?
Aw shit, here comes Pac-Man.
Hey Pac-Man, what's up?
Me you bitches! I'm high on crack! Wanna freebase?
No Pac-Man drugs are bad!
Nope can't help you man.
Pussies. Whoa! Holy shit!

Must've blown a fuse nothing's going on
Lamer than the Pope climb the walls like King Kong
Buggin' out like Tori Spelling's eyes
Deader than the parents on a "Party of Five"
Luciano Pavoratti on a treadmill
Not going nowhere slim chance we will
Less hip than Bo Jackson bored like wood
Dick around like Frankie Goes To Hollywood

Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum
Relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
Relax don't do it when you wanna cum

Holy macaroni
Holy macaroni
Holy macaroni
Holy macaroni

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

taliendo

Barenaked Ladies - grade 9

I found my locker and I found my classes
Lost my lunch and I broke my glasses,
That guy is huge! That girl is wailin'!
First day of school and I'm already failing.

This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine
This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine

I've got a blue-and-red Adidas bag and a humongous binder,
I'm trying my best not to look like a minor niner.
I went out for the football team to prove that I'm a man;
I guess I shouldn't tell them that I like Duran Duran.

This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine
This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine

Well, half my friends are crazy and the others are depressed
and none of them can help me study for my math test.
I got into the classroom and my knowledge was gone;
I guess I should've studied instead of watching Wrath Of Khan.

This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine
This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine

They called me chicken legs, they called me four-eyes
they called me fatso, they called me buckwheat,
they called me Eddie

This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine
This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine

I've got a red leather tie and pair of rugger pants,
I put them on and I went to the high school dance.
Dad said I had to be home by eleven -
aw, man, I'm gonna miss Stairway to Heaven.

This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine
This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine

__________________
-LIFE IS ABSURD-

uncle phil

Take The Long Way Home
Bloodhound Gang


May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?


Did you ever read Voltaire’s “Candide?
He says live life at Benny Hill freak out speed
Not a quote of what he wrote but a paraphrase
Make it up as you go Keyser Soze
Highlights yes but don’t underline ‘em
Just live for N.O.W. like Gloria Steinem
Life is like Marion Barry
It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be

Like Fred Sanford when the big one comes
Find the meaning of life is there is none
It’s twenty-four hours when you call it a day
Be Frank and say “I Did It My Way?
Don’t give a flying nun no don’t give a Gidget
Just have more fun than a well-oiled midget
If life were picture perfect you could frame it
But the world is a diaper so let someone else change it


Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride, take the long way home


May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?


All born equal unless you’re Canadian
Then halfway through decay like Uranium
You define what’s death-defying
Get the most out of life or at the least die trying
Are you Evil Knievel jumping a train?
Or running with scissors like Frasier Crane?
Have really good times doing really bad things
‘Cause the show ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings

Like Elton John with his candle in the wind
It’s hard to blow out a flame as big as him
But we’ve all got to Wang Chung with the Grim Reaper
Whether you’re Einstein whether you’re Beaker
Death is certain so it’s definitely worth flirtin?
Don’t expect a bright light no just curtains
Life is like a penis most people don’t know it
But most people suck so they usually blow it



Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

(2x)



That’s enough!
I said that’s enough!

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

The Bad Touch
Bloodhound Gang


Ha - ha! mating
But there are several other very important differences
Between human beings and animals that you should know about

I'd input your appreciate

Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff
That only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants
And I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes I'm Siskel yes I'm Ebert
And you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch
You want it rough you're out of bounds
I want you smothered want you covered
like my Waffle House hashbrowns
Come quicker than FedEx
Never reach an apex just like
Coca-Cola stock you are inclined
To make me rise an hour early
just like Daylight Savings Time


You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
gettin' now horny

Love
The kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt
Only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific
I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion
of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory"
So if I capsize on your thighs high
tide B-5 you sunk my battleship
Please turn me on I'm
Mister Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours I'll show you
mine Tool Time you'll Lovett just like Lyle
And then we'll do it
doggy style so we can both watch X-Files


You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
gettin' now horny

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

gnort

Steven Lynch - Hermaphrodite

She's part girl she's part boy
she's got parts everyone could enjoy
she's got more she's got less
she's got her manhood tucked in her dress
yea, is she a mister or is she a miss,
does she stand up when she's taking a piss,
she's my little girl yeah she's my little guy
when i try to please her i get poked in the eye yeah,

She wears lace and she wears flanel
she watches football and the lifetime channel
what's that bulge under her nighty?
it must be hermaphrodite
yeah , hermaphrodite
oh oh oh,

some things are white and some things are black
some girls wear make-up well mine shaves her back,
but she is still beautiful she's still fine
it's too bad her package is bigger than mine
yeah, she can't help her imperfections,
she get's jock itch from her yeast infections
who stole all my tighty whities
it must be hermaphrodite

yeah , hermaphorodite
hermaphrodite
oh oh lolo lo oh lo lo lo ooooh ooh oh lol lol lol lol
hermaphrodite

__________________
You had me at Qapla'

uncle phil

The Inevitable Return Of The Great White Dope
Bloodhound Gang


“A" is for “Apple"
“B" is for “Balloons"
“C" is for “Crayons"
“D" is for “Drum"

Like my scrotum here it is in a nutshell

One thousand nine hundred and seventy-two
That’s the year I got here when my dear mother’s water blew
Not really realizing the prize that’s been begot to her
The bona fide lo-fi high-octane philosopher
Genius with a penis the few the proud the me
I liked me so much I had to buy the company
Soul for sale sold to Satan for a hell of a lotta luck
I’m hard to come by like a straight guy working at Starbucks
Thank the thinkers that think they thunk the thoughts that theorized
Idolized or despised bet I’m gettin' recognized
Mount Rushmore it? No ignore it can’t rock with no big head
Half of the people want me half of the people want me dead
I am the Angel of Def with my rhymes against humanity
Teeter-tottering between brilliance and insanity
The one part the Fuehrer the one part the Pope
It’s the inevitable return baby of the Great White Dope


Conclusions you drew, proportions you blew
Lost son of Iggy? False Bigger nose than Ziggy? True
Yes my name is Jimmy Pop no my pop’s name is Dick
Don’t admit to kick it slick you thick derelict critic
Put down for missed notes put up with misquotes
Don’t want the whole story? Should have bought the Cliff Notes
Like Fingerpainting 101 give me no credit for having class
One thumb on the pulse of the nation, one thumb in your girlfriend’s ass
Written on written off scoff callin' me a joke
I don’t think that I’m a sell-out but I do “Enjoy Coke!"
I struck gold but never took it for granite that’s how I planned it so can it
Around the planet fans demand it and you’ll never understand it
When I die no lie plan on mass pandemonium
They may display my brain in a pickle jar at the Smithsonian
The one part the Fuehrer, the one part the Pope
It’s the inevitable return baby of the Great White Dope

One part the Fuehrer, one part the Pope
One part the Fuehrer, one part the Pope
The inevitable return of the Great White Dope
One part the Fuehrer, one part the Pope
The inevitable return of the Great White Dope
One part the Fuehrer, one part the Pope
The inevitable return of the Great White Dope


Great White Dope (4x)

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

uncle phil

TUBTHUMPING
Chumbawamba


We'll be singing
When we're winning
We'll be singing

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

Pissing the night away

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times:

"Oh Danny Boy, Danny boy..."

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

Pissing the night away

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a lager drink
He drinks a cider drink
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him of the better times:

"Don't cry for me next door neighbor..."

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

We'll be singing
When we're winning
We'll be singing

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

txlovely

No Silly Song board would be complete without a Zappa song:

Big Leg Emma
Frank Zappa

There's a big dilemma
'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
There's a big dilemma
'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
She used to knock me out
Until her face broke out
There's a big dilemma
'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
There's a big dilemma
'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
She was my steady date
Until she put on weight
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na
boogedy boogedy
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na na-na
boogedy boogedy
There's a big dilemma
'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
There's a big dilemma
'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
She used to knock me out
Until her face broke out
She used to knock me out
Until her face broke out

__________________
Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.