Need advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

pisces_gurl84 · 08-27-2005, 07:34 AM

I'm new here and would appreciate some advice. I'm not sure where to begin...
I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Everything was great for the first 8 months. Since then its been problem after problem. He doesn't live very far, its about a 2 hour drive. I am without a car so he has been responsible for coming to me the majority of the relationship. He just recently stated that he feels the relationship is unfair because he has been coming to me, and wants that to change. I explained that I am unable to go to hime every weekend but would make a concious effort. I have addressed all his oncerns about the relationship and have been trying to make things better. The problem I have is that my concerns are sometimes sloughed off. When he has a problem it has to be dealt with right away before anything else. I have barely seen hime in 6 months. Once this whole summer. He is always telling me that he is coming (on weekends) and then doesn't show up. I wait and worry about him. He doesn't call me at all during the course of the weekend, and then acts like nothing happened, or makes excuses when we finally do talk. I've heard car troubles, being sick, needed time alone. I don't know what to think about this. I love hime very much and trust him wholeheartedly. I just don't understand what is happening. He's made it very clear that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I'm so confused. I feel like he doesn't want to see me, and I'm getting nothing but slack about it from my friends. I need advice from someone out of the situation. I'm sorry this is so long, I just need some advice. Please help!

maleficent · 08-27-2005, 08:04 AM

Long distance relationships are tough, and tougher when one person is doing themajority of the work. Your boyfriend sounds frustrated that he's doing all the travelling. can you take a bus or a train to go to him, meet him half way somewhere, pay for gas/wear and tear on his car? what is it about your living situation that makes it long distance? School? Work?

What are your concerns about the relationship that you don't feel he is addressing or ignoring? That you aren't coming first in his life? In a perfect world you would always come first, but real life isn't perfect, things happen.

I think you need to sit down wiht him and have a long hard talk - -about what you want - with you both being completely honest, sounds like he's being a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt you but it's also not sounding, to me, that he wants to be in this relationship...

pisces_gurl84 · 08-27-2005, 08:15 AM

Maleficent....Thanks for replying. I have taken a train on numerous occasions, and if I can't, I always pitch in for gas and whatnot. I've done everything I can think of to put him at ease. Our relationship is long distance because of work. I graduated from college about the same time we started dating and have been trying to gain some more experience before I attempt a move.

The majority of the concerns I have surround him not showing up. I feel like I can't rely on him anymore. He says he will do something but I have a hard time believing it because my experience tells me otherwise. He doesn't tell me what hes up to, he's very vague with it. If i ask him what he did to keep himself busy during the week, I get an answer like "not much" or "nothing". I sometimes feel like hes hiding something, but I do trust him. There's also the "parents" thing. He's met my parents, and it was his idea to meet them. But I am not "allowed" to meet his. He says that they are not an important part of his life. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to hide me, but I have met all of his friends. I know this is a lot, but it has built up for awhile.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that there is 8 years dirrence in our ages. I don't think that would play any part, but like i said, I'm confused. Thats pretty much the gist of it. Thanks again!

maleficent · 08-27-2005, 08:22 AM

Is he 8 years older? 8 years does make a difference -- people change as they mature...

It almost sounds like he's married and trying to hide that in his relationship with you?

A relationship, as you know, is about give and take... if he's not sharing with you, doesn't sound like his heart is really in it...

shesus · 08-27-2005, 08:22 AM

Long distance relationships are the worse. I was involved in one for about a year and a half. However, the distance in this relationship isn't what stuck out to me. The problem that I see is that you assume he's coming and he doesn't make any contact and doesn't see a problem with that. That shows a lack of respect on his part and it doesn't condone a healthy relationship. In my opinion, you need to have a serious talk about the relationship and how you both feel. It may just be time to make a major change and that change may be a break. If he doesn't respect you now, it will only get worse. Good luck and make sure that you make your points clear and concise. You don't deserve to get treated that way.

shesus · 08-27-2005, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

Is he 8 years older? 8 years does make a difference -- people change as they mature...

It almost sounds like he's married and trying to hide that in his relationship with you?

A relationship, as you know, is about give and take... if he's not sharing with you, doesn't sound like his heart is really in it...

I agree with Mal after reading the additional information. If he is being secretive run, don't walk. This guy sounds like bad news to me. If he is 8 years older, he should be mature than that. Secrecy and lack of respect equals a doomed relationship.

pisces_gurl84 · 08-27-2005, 08:31 AM

Thanks for you help. I wasn't sure if I was just being too hard on him. I appreciate your honesty!

abaya · 08-27-2005, 08:32 AM

Long-distance relationships need supreme effort and commitment from both sides. Frankly, if I were him, I'd have gotten frustrated too. Is there any way you could meet him half-way? Otherwise, I'd seriously sit down with him and evaluate what the relationship is worth to both of you. I have been in a long-distance relationship with my bf for 6 months (he's 3 hours away), and the last 3 months I have been across the ocean and haven't seen him. If we hadn't put in 100% on both sides, things would probably have fallen apart. That's the way things go with long-distance, I'm afraid.

Sultana · 08-27-2005, 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pisces_gurl84

He is always telling me that he is coming (on weekends) and then doesn't show up. I wait and worry about him. He doesn't call me at all during the course of the weekend, and then acts like nothing happened, or makes excuses when we finally do talk. I've heard car troubles, being sick, needed time alone. I don't know what to think about this.

This is what concerns me. Sorry, not showing up when he is expected and not even letting you know that he's safe, what's going on, that you can make other plans...that's immature, selfish, and rude. Does not sound like "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love to me, and I see why your friends would be upset seeing you treated that way. And to be honest, you are letting him treat you that way.

When he doesn't talk to you, when he doesn't tell you something...he's telling you something.

Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but that would be a complete deal-breaker for me. I wish you good luck!

Sage · 08-27-2005, 10:21 AM

Yup, I agree with sultana- selfish, rude, hiding himself from you...

Let's put it this way. If you married him, you'd want him to be totally open and honest with you, right? Well, he's not being open and honest right now about what he does when he doesn't see you, and he's not being honest by lying to you that he'll come see you when he won't. And you not meeting his parents sounds VERY VERY fishy- if you got married (and I think that after a year and a half it's ok to think about that) you'd be meeting his parents then, so why not now?

If he's really 8 years older, I would suspect, VERY PROBABLY, that there's another woman in his life, possibly his wife. This is just based on what I have read so far. If I were you, I'd sit down with him and tell him just what you feel, what you suspect, and what you're prepared to do if he doesn't meet you halfway. He's not respecting you, he's not loving you, he's not communicating with you, and he's not making the effort it takes from both parties involved to have a great relationship. Let go of him like the baggage he is, and find a nice guy who will treat you like you deserve!

Life is too short to be in a bad relationship, for ANY reason!

Acetylene · 08-27-2005, 03:03 PM

DTMFA, he is being incredibly rude and wasting your time. Find someone you can see regularly because if you don't see him, you don't know him, and you can't love him.

sexymama · 08-27-2005, 09:47 PM

I echo these intelligent women. His lack of respect for you, your time and your feelings scream "run." And I'm not anti long distance! Lebell and I dated for a year long distance and we are very happily married now.

hunnychile · 09-19-2005, 06:40 PM

...so dear Pisces girl, what has happened?
We all would love to know because we care about you and things sounded a "bit off".

Is life better? Have you been ok and is this relationship better or what?

genuinegirly · 09-19-2005, 08:02 PM

I'd start looking elsewhere. And let him know you're doing so. If he really does care, he'll make the effort again. He needs to let you know when he's not going to come.

pisces_gurl84 · 09-20-2005, 02:00 PM

Hey Everyone! Just wanted to pop in and let you all know how it went. I talked to him, and things got much worse. It got to the point where I realized that he's not the man I fell in love with and I was no longer happy. I broke things off a little over 2 weeks ago, and have never been happier! I've gotten back everyhting I was lacking, and I'm having a blast being single! Thanky you all so much for your support and advice. I guess I just needed to hear it from people that were out of the situation. Thanks again! You all gave me strength!

Sweetpea · 09-20-2005, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pisces_gurl84

Hey Everyone! Just wanted to pop in and let you all know how it went. I talked to him, and things got much worse. It got to the point where I realized that he's not the man I fell in love with and I was no longer happy. I broke things off a little over 2 weeks ago, and have never been happier! I've gotten back everyhting I was lacking, and I'm having a blast being single! Thanky you all so much for your support and advice. I guess I just needed to hear it from people that were out of the situation. Thanks again! You all gave me strength!

Well, bravo for you!

Sounds like you made a smart decision. Life is too short not to be with someone who makes you truly happy. Enjoy being single

Sweetpea

08-27-2005, 07:34 AM	#1 (permalink)
pisces_gurl84 Upright	Need advice I'm new here and would appreciate some advice. I'm not sure where to begin... I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Everything was great for the first 8 months. Since then its been problem after problem. He doesn't live very far, its about a 2 hour drive. I am without a car so he has been responsible for coming to me the majority of the relationship. He just recently stated that he feels the relationship is unfair because he has been coming to me, and wants that to change. I explained that I am unable to go to hime every weekend but would make a concious effort. I have addressed all his oncerns about the relationship and have been trying to make things better. The problem I have is that my concerns are sometimes sloughed off. When he has a problem it has to be dealt with right away before anything else. I have barely seen hime in 6 months. Once this whole summer. He is always telling me that he is coming (on weekends) and then doesn't show up. I wait and worry about him. He doesn't call me at all during the course of the weekend, and then acts like nothing happened, or makes excuses when we finally do talk. I've heard car troubles, being sick, needed time alone. I don't know what to think about this. I love hime very much and trust him wholeheartedly. I just don't understand what is happening. He's made it very clear that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I'm so confused. I feel like he doesn't want to see me, and I'm getting nothing but slack about it from my friends. I need advice from someone out of the situation. I'm sorry this is so long, I just need some advice. Please help!

08-27-2005, 08:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Long distance relationships are tough, and tougher when one person is doing themajority of the work. Your boyfriend sounds frustrated that he's doing all the travelling. can you take a bus or a train to go to him, meet him half way somewhere, pay for gas/wear and tear on his car? what is it about your living situation that makes it long distance? School? Work? What are your concerns about the relationship that you don't feel he is addressing or ignoring? That you aren't coming first in his life? In a perfect world you would always come first, but real life isn't perfect, things happen. I think you need to sit down wiht him and have a long hard talk - -about what you want - with you both being completely honest, sounds like he's being a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt you but it's also not sounding, to me, that he wants to be in this relationship... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

08-27-2005, 08:22 AM	#4 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Is he 8 years older? 8 years does make a difference -- people change as they mature... It almost sounds like he's married and trying to hide that in his relationship with you? A relationship, as you know, is about give and take... if he's not sharing with you, doesn't sound like his heart is really in it... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

08-27-2005, 08:22 AM	#5 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Long distance relationships are the worse. I was involved in one for about a year and a half. However, the distance in this relationship isn't what stuck out to me. The problem that I see is that you assume he's coming and he doesn't make any contact and doesn't see a problem with that. That shows a lack of respect on his part and it doesn't condone a healthy relationship. In my opinion, you need to have a serious talk about the relationship and how you both feel. It may just be time to make a major change and that change may be a break. If he doesn't respect you now, it will only get worse. Good luck and make sure that you make your points clear and concise. You don't deserve to get treated that way. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-27-2005, 08:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Long-distance relationships need supreme effort and commitment from both sides. Frankly, if I were him, I'd have gotten frustrated too. Is there any way you could meet him half-way? Otherwise, I'd seriously sit down with him and evaluate what the relationship is worth to both of you. I have been in a long-distance relationship with my bf for 6 months (he's 3 hours away), and the last 3 months I have been across the ocean and haven't seen him. If we hadn't put in 100% on both sides, things would probably have fallen apart. That's the way things go with long-distance, I'm afraid. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

08-27-2005, 08:15 AM	#3 (permalink)
pisces_gurl84 Upright	Maleficent....Thanks for replying. I have taken a train on numerous occasions, and if I can't, I always pitch in for gas and whatnot. I've done everything I can think of to put him at ease. Our relationship is long distance because of work. I graduated from college about the same time we started dating and have been trying to gain some more experience before I attempt a move. The majority of the concerns I have surround him not showing up. I feel like I can't rely on him anymore. He says he will do something but I have a hard time believing it because my experience tells me otherwise. He doesn't tell me what hes up to, he's very vague with it. If i ask him what he did to keep himself busy during the week, I get an answer like "not much" or "nothing". I sometimes feel like hes hiding something, but I do trust him. There's also the "parents" thing. He's met my parents, and it was his idea to meet them. But I am not "allowed" to meet his. He says that they are not an important part of his life. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to hide me, but I have met all of his friends. I know this is a lot, but it has built up for awhile. One thing I haven't mentioned is that there is 8 years dirrence in our ages. I don't think that would play any part, but like i said, I'm confused. Thats pretty much the gist of it. Thanks again!

08-27-2005, 08:31 AM	#7 (permalink)
pisces_gurl84 Upright	Thanks for you help. I wasn't sure if I was just being too hard on him. I appreciate your honesty!

08-27-2005, 10:21 AM	#10 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Yup, I agree with sultana- selfish, rude, hiding himself from you... Let's put it this way. If you married him, you'd want him to be totally open and honest with you, right? Well, he's not being open and honest right now about what he does when he doesn't see you, and he's not being honest by lying to you that he'll come see you when he won't. And you not meeting his parents sounds VERY VERY fishy- if you got married (and I think that after a year and a half it's ok to think about that) you'd be meeting his parents then, so why not now? If he's really 8 years older, I would suspect, VERY PROBABLY, that there's another woman in his life, possibly his wife. This is just based on what I have read so far. If I were you, I'd sit down with him and tell him just what you feel, what you suspect, and what you're prepared to do if he doesn't meet you halfway. He's not respecting you, he's not loving you, he's not communicating with you, and he's not making the effort it takes from both parties involved to have a great relationship. Let go of him like the baggage he is, and find a nice guy who will treat you like you deserve! Life is too short to be in a bad relationship, for ANY reason! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

08-27-2005, 03:03 PM	#11 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	DTMFA, he is being incredibly rude and wasting your time. Find someone you can see regularly because if you don't see him, you don't know him, and you can't love him. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

08-27-2005, 09:47 PM	#12 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	I echo these intelligent women. His lack of respect for you, your time and your feelings scream "run." And I'm not anti long distance! Lebell and I dated for a year long distance and we are very happily married now. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

09-19-2005, 06:40 PM	#13 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	...so dear Pisces girl, what has happened? We all would love to know because we care about you and things sounded a "bit off". Is life better? Have you been ok and is this relationship better or what? __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

09-19-2005, 08:02 PM	#14 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	I'd start looking elsewhere. And let him know you're doing so. If he really does care, he'll make the effort again. He needs to let you know when he's not going to come. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

09-20-2005, 02:00 PM	#15 (permalink)
pisces_gurl84 Upright	Hey Everyone! Just wanted to pop in and let you all know how it went. I talked to him, and things got much worse. It got to the point where I realized that he's not the man I fell in love with and I was no longer happy. I broke things off a little over 2 weeks ago, and have never been happier! I've gotten back everyhting I was lacking, and I'm having a blast being single! Thanky you all so much for your support and advice. I guess I just needed to hear it from people that were out of the situation. Thanks again! You all gave me strength!