Advice On Making Lady Friends - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Lead543 · 08-23-2005, 10:56 AM

I have no female friends.

I realized that the other night when making a list of people I need to contact with my moving information. I do not have one friend with a vagina.

I've always gotten along better with boys. I liked to skateboard and listen to "punk music" so my crowd tended to be mostly male throughout of high school. I did maintain friendships with females however. We'd have girls nights where we played with make up, ate junk food and gossiped.

When I was 16 I left high school to pursue...well, a home schooling program-temporarily. It became permanent after my group of girlfriends spread some nasty rumors about me (although I can see how I could be mistaken for a pregnant crack whore who is psychotic and failing chemistry). I haven't had a female friend since.

So my question to the ladies of tfp is...

As I embark on my quest for knowledge (College), how do I go about finding decent girls to befriend?

I'm not into clubs/bars/partying... the whole "Lesss get crunk and score sum hawt guyz" scene doesn't appeal to me. I like conversation, I like opinions, I like respect, I like intelligence, I like girls who can have fun without compromising their integrity.

Thank You!

shesus · 08-23-2005, 11:26 AM

Lead, when I find the answer I will let you know. I have some girl friends that I have met through work. We do things every once in awhile, but we don't talk everyday and know very little about each other.
When I was in college, I befriended people I had classes with. We would study together and work on projects. Sometimes we would go out to dinner or celebrate a birthday. I've never been one to have girl friends. I typically find it a shallow relationship and sorry, but girls/women are catty.
I hope I didn't piss off any women here because this is a totally different community. If I could find intelligent people like the ones here, I'd have friends all over.

Sugar&Spice · 08-23-2005, 02:44 PM

That is one of my goals for this year at college. I need friends that are girls! I'm friends with my ex's roommates whom are all guys, but I don't want to hang out and see him all the time over there so I need a new group of friends. But it is hard to find girls who are able to hold an intelligent conversation with some substance to it. I don't want to talk about how tan they are or how long it took them to do their hair or what color fingernail polish they have on or who will be hotter when they are 90. Yes, these are the actual conversations I pick up on in my classes.

So, if you find out how to go about meeting girls that you can stand to be around..let me know!

maleficent · 08-23-2005, 03:53 PM

i'm not good at the whole friendship thing but in theory, if you want friendship with people like yourselves, try a club, either thru the school, or locally, if there's not a club, find out what it would take to start a club at your school (ie a skateboarding club or a punk music club - -surely you are not the only person with that interest.)

as long as you have friends... what difference does it make what gender they are... i have an article at home on the 10 friends every woman needs (when i am next there, i will be sure to copy it up here) but i sort of dispute a lot of it...

why are women friends necessary/ my best friend from the age of 4 to 36 was a male... I'd take one of him over 50 women friends any day of the week.

Elphaba · 08-23-2005, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lead543

So my question to the ladies of tfp is...

As I embark on my quest for knowledge (College), how do I go about finding decent girls to befriend?

I'm not into clubs/bars/partying... the whole "Lesss get crunk and score sum hawt guyz" scene doesn't appeal to me. I like conversation, I like opinions, I like respect, I like intelligence, I like girls who can have fun without compromising their integrity.

Thank You!

Drop the word "girl" to begin with. I know it is just a word, but it carries some significance and you are no longer a member of the "boys" and "girls" in high school. I agree with you that they are a self-involved group for the most part, and you certainly don't wish to persue the shallow folks as friends at college.

I suggest that you give yourself some personal credit and reframe your identity. You are a mature young woman on a quest for knowledge. "Girls" are easy to spot as you have stated, and are easily avoided. Finding a like-minded woman as yourself in college doesn't have to be difficult if you look in the right places. These are only my suggestions, but I have life-long friendships with some of the women I encountered in college and beyond.

- Seek out "return" students. These are obviously older women that didn't go to college right after high school. They have some life experience and have chosen to go to college with a life goal in mind, rather than an MRS degree. They will welcome your friendship.

- Scan your classrooms for serious students and strike up a conversation with them. You should be able to recognize the "girls" from the women, by the amount of time they spend on their appearance. Flash takes time away from study. Offer to become a "study buddy" with the women in the classroom that share your goal of knowledge. Ask me about "study buddies" if you are unfamiliar with that necessary part of college.

- Join campus clubs that you share an interest. If you have already defined your "major", join any relevent club so that you are spending time with like-minded people. The "girls" rarely take the time for this kind of commitment.

- Take advantage of any Freshman introductory information on campus. It may feel a little "dorky", but you will learn a great deal about what is available to you as a student. More importantly, you will come face to face with people who care about your success. Friendships can come from there as well.

- If you get the chance to join a support group, do so. Suggest forming one if you have the confidence to do so and have met like-minded women. The context of the group can be anything. It is a great way to form a social sphere that isn't about "let's party and get drunk."

I sincerely hope that I have been helpful in answering your question.

Lead543 · 08-23-2005, 09:05 PM

I get along well with women ages 30-55. Maybe this should be my target.

Mal, What I miss about female friends is my best friend, grade 7-11. She thought like me, was funny, wicked smart, nice, had self respect and mellowed my slightly...eccentric tendencies. I have never found a guy who compares to her. I miss our sisterhood. And yes, I do believe I need to call her. Wow.

Elphaba, I'll agree to disagree with you on the whole girl thing. I shall be a frightfully delicious and devilish girl until the day I die, and my grandchildren will discuss me for decades.

I'll also disagree regarding my frame. I am framed by my self, not my words; if that makes any sense. But thanks for the advice, I'll definitly heed your suggestions.

Munchkin · 08-24-2005, 07:52 AM

I have to totally agree with you about women being catty. I have always had more male friends than female friends.
I always thought it was because I have two younger brothers, so I never had a problem relating to males. I have come to the conclusion however that there is so much less drama and bs with having male friends than female friends. Have you ever noticed that when most men disagree or fight, they are joking about it a few hours later? You would never see women doing that. I guess my advice to you would be go with what your most comfortable with, and to def call your childhood friend. I am sure she would love to hear from you.

anti fishstick · 08-24-2005, 10:35 AM

i also tend to relate more to woman who are older than me. I go to an art institute school and the girls there are all pretty much cliquish like high school. It feels like a high school too. I hate it. Some "girls" around me are only a year younger than me (i'm 22) and I feel so old sometimes..

I never really got along well with girls either, except for my HS friends. I would like to make more friends in general though and I feel like my guy friends in the past have all just wanted to get with me. So that never worked well either.

Lead543 · 08-24-2005, 10:52 AM

I can relate anti fishstick. A lot of my male friends would disappear as soon as a girlfriend came into the picture or would pitch a fit when I rejected their advances. I think the cliques exsist out of high school, college and into the outside world, the key is I guess, to find someone who finds those cliques as pointless and immature as you (and I) do.

Supple Cow · 08-24-2005, 11:25 AM

First of all, I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, but this thread strikes me the way one of those "help me find love" threads does, where the best thing to say is that you can't love somebody else until you love yourself. Second, I do not presume to pass judgment on anyone based on whether or not they want to identify as a "girl" or "woman" because that is not the issue. The issue is whether or not you identify as a person, first and foremost. If you act like you are more female than you are human, you will attract company that treats you that way. Likewise, if you treat people like they are male and female before they are human, they will behave less and less like human beings. It really is that simple, even if it takes a little while to experience it before you can trust that it is.

Sweetpea · 08-24-2005, 02:20 PM

LEad, it sounds like you have some trust issues when it comes to women that you might not have when it comes to men. And considering the rumor issue, i can see why that is.

I have a couple friends that are women, but both are over 40 and i'm 23, i just get along better with them than gals my own age... so hence, it doesn't matter what age or gender your friends are, just count yourself lucky to have people you can love and trust with your friendship.

So, Personally, i don't think it matters that all your friends are guys, except as you get older, you will find that guys are more difficult to be friends with, since they are usually going to start hitting on you (irregaurdless if you have a man or not)

Sweetpea

Sweetpea · 08-24-2005, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lead543

I get along well with women ages 30-55. Maybe this should be my target.

As i mentioned in my post, forget about nessasarily making friends with gals 'your own age', if you get along better with older women, then more power to ya. Two of my best friends are over 40

They are more mellow, more confident with themselves and allot cooler than anyone i have met my own age.

Sweetpea

Sweetpea · 08-24-2005, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

First of all, I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, but this thread strikes me the way one of those "help me find love" threads does, where the best thing to say is that you can't love somebody else until you love yourself. Second, I do not presume to pass judgment on anyone based on whether or not they want to identify as a "girl" or "woman" because that is not the issue. The issue is whether or not you identify as a person, first and foremost. If you act like you are more female than you are human, you will attract company that treats you that way. Likewise, if you treat people like they are male and female before they are human, they will behave less and less like human beings. It really is that simple, even if it takes a little while to experience it before you can trust that it is.

wow, never one to mince words. tell us how you really feel.

Yes, we're all human beings, but gender issues are alive and well in our society, addressing them and speaking about them is a way to break down those boundaries. And if we can't speak about it in peace here on this little internet site, where can we?

Sweetpea

lindseylatch · 08-24-2005, 03:20 PM

Most of the friends I have in college came from a message board for the school (including my boyfriend

). You could look and see if your school has one. Ours isn't run by the university, but there might be some that are.

Facebook is a good way to get names and faces of people in your classes, then you can strike up a conversation the next day. Or you could start a study group for a class you really dig, maybe one that's optional, so you get people who share your interests.

Supple Cow · 08-24-2005, 09:44 PM

Maybe I shouldn't have prefaced my statement with an apology. That came out all kinds of wrong. I am not apologizing for the content - I only wanted to avoid offending people with the delivery. Apparently, I failed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

Yes, we're all human beings, but gender issues are alive and well in our society, addressing them and speaking about them is a way to break down those boundaries. And if we can't speak about it in peace here on this little internet site, where can we?

Sweetpea

I never said that gender issues did not exist or that my aim was not to break down gender boundaries. That is, in fact, the exact opposite of my point. What I mean to contribute to this thread is my opinion (based on my own experience being female and the four years I spent at a women's college) that the best way to make good friends (and at the same time avoid reinforcing gender stereotypes) is to deal with people instead of men and women.

If, the second you meet somebody new, you introduce yourself as a woman or a girl, you implicitly send the message that there is something inherently different between us (if speaking to a man) or there is something inherently the same about us (if speaking to a woman), despite how little you know about each other. (1) That is the way stereotypes (and rumors) are made and reinforced. (2) That message invariably frames all of your interactions, whether or not most people are aware of it.

My own experience has been that there are simply people with whom I am able to get along and people with whom I am unable to get along. I used to think it had something to do with gender, but going to a single-sex institution taught me otherwise. It only has to do with gender if you make it have to do with gender. So, Lead543, I suspect that the pattern you've noticed among the people who attended your high school (that many of them are poor judges of character and can't think for themselves) is more about the unfortunate collection of girls in that town than it is about girls or women everywhere. I'm sorry you had to grow up there - I really am. I promise you that I say this as one who can relate. I hope you can move past the people who burned you in the past and meet your college mates with as much of a clean slate as possible.

To answer your question more specifically, I will say this - I haven't made any friends in college who are nearly as close as I am to my best friends from home. However, the college friends I do consider to be very close are close to me in a different way, and I had no idea that we would be so close when I first met them (or anytime soon after). In fact, some of my best friends from freshman year are people who won't give me the light of day when I pass them on the street, and one of my closest friends today was once the really popular girl from my orientation group who pretended she didn't know me when I said "hi" to her on the first day of classes. There's no telling what kind of batch you'll have to pick from and there's absolutely no way of knowing how good a friend a person will be a year or two down the line based on how well you get along during your first year in college.

Just try to focus more on making friends who respect you and who make you feel comfortable, and forget about the business of making sure you're an equal opportunity friend. Does it really matter whether they're girls or boys if you think they are fun people and you trust them?

maleficent · 08-25-2005, 03:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

Just try to focus more on making friends who respect you and who make you feel comfortable, and forget about the business of making sure you're an equal opportunity friend. Does it really matter whether they're girls or boys if you think they are fun people and you trust them?

Extremely well said... People seem to get too hung up on what gender a person is - rather than who a person is... it's all about who they are and how they make you feel, rather than if they have a penis or a vagina.

The only time I can think that female friends might come in handy would be during pregnany or menopause, where you might have that shared experience... but that also doesn't necessarily have to be friendship, it can be an aquaintance...

abaya · 08-25-2005, 05:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

My own experience has been that there are simply people with whom I am able to get along and people with whom I am unable to get along.

This sums it up for me. I think I'm fairly balanced in the genders of my friends these days, though I tend to trust females a little less. That's stemming from past experience of seeing how manipulative women (including myself) can be, even when they don't intend to be that way. Women are just more socially programmed to use relationships against people, if you ask me, so I understand your caution. Guys are much easier to be friends with... way fewer head games, if any. And with ktspktsp, he pretty much takes care of all my "need" to have a guy friend.

Lead543 · 08-25-2005, 09:00 AM

Dammit I just want someone to paint my nails with...is that so wrong?

There are things females do, that guys don't do.

I might be exceptionally girly here but whatever, that's me. I like make-up, I like clothes, I like spa days and chick flicks. Most guys don't.

I don't have any self esteem issues or problems trusting or loving myself, I was simply asking where to find females like this in my college setting, as I have never been to college and have no freeeaaaakin idea what's offered on campus.

Simple as that.

And abaya, I agree with you. Streak takes up most of my time and fulfills the needs...I have.

maleficent · 08-25-2005, 09:28 AM

that's cute

and no that's not wrong at all... if it's what you want to do, no reason not to have it... I'm sure once you get to school, you'll gravitate towards people like you, and you'll have no problem meeting friends...

you're first few days there, check out the bulletin boards, explore clubs that interest you... check out the student newspaper for stuff to do, none have to be a lifelong committment, but who knows, you might enjoy the underwater basketweaving club, because the people in the club are fun... go to one meeting for a club that sounds remotely interesting.. and decide if it's for you...

(and as cute as you are, I'm sure the boys would be lining up to paint your toenails for you..

Grasshopper Green · 08-25-2005, 04:01 PM

Lead, I like all those things too (well, except for the chick flicks, I tend to not like them). However, I also like a lot of other things as well, and that one part of me doesn't define all of me. I find myself in the same boat as you; I know quite a few females (I don't want to get into the girl/woman thing

) who don't seem too interested in anything but appearance, guys, and partying.....and that gets old pretty quickly. I used to worry about not having any girlfriends....but I realized I had some great guy friends and had fun hanging out with them. And that was all that mattered.

Lead543 · 08-25-2005, 08:52 PM

I kinda solved the problem myself...

Quote:

I'm really happy that you emailed me. Teenagers are so stupid. Honestly, it's the dumbest thing that some little argument over god only knows what is enough to dissolve an old friendship. I've also been wanting to get in touch with you...with everything in life changing these days I've started to realize the value I place in some of my friendships, I also think you are a special young lady.

This is WHY I wanted to make more female friends, because I knew if one girl this special exsisted then others must. (I sound like a derranged ex boyfriend). Thanks for the advice everyone offered.

nickynicole · 08-26-2005, 01:27 PM

I had one of those soul-mate type friends once... actually, several times, and when we find ourselves seperated because of distance, I spend a long time trying to replace them... to find the same person again. But that can't happen. With every new person I meet, the dynamics are different, and so am I. Be open to new, possible different, friendships.

Are you living on campus? That sould make a big difference in adding females to your social life. My freshman year of college, I chose to live in the girls-only dorm, and the community was great. If you school has an arrangement like this, I highly suggest it. I could tell a big difference, just in atmosphere, between the all girls dorm and the co-ed dorm.

Additionally, the first few days of college will be unlike any you will every have in your life. For the most part, EVERYONE will be in lookingfornewfriends mode. If you can live on campus, by all means do!

genuinegirly · 09-03-2005, 11:36 AM

I lucked out. Growing up, I always had E, she lives around the corner and we started playing together when we were 2. We're still friends. Then there's L, who we met in junior high. When you find a good female friend, they're rare enough that you just don't let them go.
I also found a couple of good female friends in college. Your best bet is to find the least-ditzy girl in each of your classes, sit near them, be study partners. If you hit it off, you've just made that friend. If you don't, you'll at least have a better grade in the class for it. If you're in a campus club that revolves around one of your interests, you'll be more likely to run into at least one other female friend.

Stepping into college is a much bigger environment than high school ever was. There's a better chance of finding someone you'll get along with and appreciate.

raeanna74 · 09-03-2005, 12:06 PM

I have always developed friendships by chance. In college I had numerous 'acquaintances'. There were people I'd talk to while I was in class but I never hung out with. I had only a few 'friends' that I would plan to do things with. Most of the time I chose them logically and purposefully. I found it hard though to find girls who didn't always think about clothes, jewelry, boys, and complain about their bodies. There were FEW girls who wanted to go hiking in the woods with me, biking, or playing a rough game of soccer. When I found a girl who was doing one of those activities I would sometimes introduce myself and start a conversation. When that went well I'd look her up at a mealtime sometime. Sometimes after that the girl would start a conversation with me the next time we met. Now - I have to PLAN to talk to ladies that I want to be friends with. Sometimes that is hard to find the time so it makes creating a friendship more difficult.

I am lucky right now to have a neighbor lady who has many similar interests and is friendly.

Janie · 09-04-2005, 11:57 PM

Lead, I think if you're looking for stimulating conversation (and assuming you're an academic type), try getting to know your fellow lady classmates better. They're likely to have some opinions, and not about your 'pregnancy'. I don't think you're going to find any lifelong friends at a kegger, so don't expect anything if you go to one

You're right about the cattiness though, and I'm guessing that's why you get along with older women in general. They're less catty! Go for someone who looks confident and happy, and isn't bitching about her life or insulting others all the time.

bad jane · 09-05-2005, 02:31 AM

i'd suggest asking your male friends to introduce you to their female friends (not girlfriends--that's just asking for awkward).

ngdawg · 09-06-2005, 07:37 AM

Personally, I have always found it difficult to maintain female friendships. Of my four or five nearest and dearest, only one is a woman and I'm finding as I grow older I have less and less in common with other women. We are a competitive, control-seeking emotional lot-probably why the term 'catty' is used to describe us. (what's ironic is people that don't know me at all think I hate men!!)
Those people in high school you called friends weren't friends, obviously. Hopefully, in college, some maturity may come along. In the meantime, there are, I'm sure, study groups, activities, etc that you can get involved with-as long as you get involved in things you truly enjoy and not just to 'make friends'. And why not paint Streaks nails and let him do yours?

Put yourself out there and let things flow naturally in the long run. Sometimes the best things we searched for all our lives come along when we stop looking.

Sweets78 · 09-09-2005, 11:37 AM

I too have difficulties making female friends. Allow me to ellaborate. I have difficulty finding people that are of "good character." I have not taken the standard path with leaving home at 18, going to college for four years and getting a job. I was in the age of the dot com boom (and not knowing what I wanted to do yet) I was able to make great money at the ripe old age of 20. I thought "This is great, I don't really need college." Needless to say, that bubble burst, I was laid off and get stuck in some of the worst jobs I can imagine for the worst pay because I had no college degree. Being in those crappy jobs gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to go to college. I was able to meet some people at night school because we all worked. I did face big problems working with women at my work however. I either had a woman boss who thought we were gal pals and therefore she liked to talk to me about her menstral cycle (yeah, that's not weird) and my coworkers who were women were very catty and acted as though they were in the 10th grade. I got along fantastically with my male coworkers. Fast forward four years of going part time to finally being able to go full time to college. I have found that I am at least eight years older than the rest of my class. This means that being 28 versus being 18 are two very different dynamics. I don't talk about my hair, getting wasted the night before, watch the Real World or have the emotional depth of a bottlecap. When I have found people my age or older, there only seems to be school in common so when the class ends, I never see them again. So I basically I go to campus and put in about 40 hours worth of time and have no real conversations with anybody. I don't really think about how this makes me feel but every now and again I get sad because I don't understand why. I am an intellegent, witty, sarcastic, honest, confident good person who is having trouble making connections at the place I spend many waking hours. Any suggestions?

Supple Cow · 09-11-2005, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweets78

I don't really think about how this makes me feel but every now and again I get sad because I don't understand why. I am an intellegent, witty, sarcastic, honest, confident good person who is having trouble making connections at the place I spend many waking hours. Any suggestions?

When you're having trouble finding people in your environment who resonate with you, it sometimes (very likely in your case) just means that there aren't people there who resonate with you. Nothing about the situation makes it your fault that there is no connection. I would simply suggest seeking it elsewhere whenever you can - you are already doing so as a member of a great community like the TFP.

Sweets78 · 09-11-2005, 04:54 PM

I have to say that I agree with you completely. I feel like I am like an american plug trying to fit into a european outlet when I am on campus most times. I have to admit that there are better opportunities in my advanced courses. Definitely I will attempt to connect elsewhere.

Another point I would like to make is whole issue of friendship itself. I don't have problems interacting with others but finding someone that feels that friendship is important (i.e. putting effor into it, being there when needed) is lacking in this area. Where I lives seems to be very transient due to our economy here. It is true that friendships change through time; however I am someone who is looking for a truely great person. I explained to a guy friend of mine that it is like how men are dating women (finding friendships) and have some of the same characteristics: Meeting them, getting to know them, and deciding if this particular person is "working out" to warrant more time and opening myself up further.

I can't explain it other than that really. I have met countless people who turn out to be selfish, condescending, needy, petty, not very interesting, or my personal favorite: a bigot. Basically all characteristic that men don't like about women in order to have a lasting romantic relationships is what I sort of go through. What's funny is I thought that I wouldn't have to deal with "dating" anymore once I had met the man of my dreams. Boy was I wrong!

Ladies Lounge, feel free to post similar "friendship dating experiences" with other females. I am sure there are some good ones out there (because I surely do).

08-23-2005, 10:56 AM	#1 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	Advice On Making Lady Friends I have no female friends. I realized that the other night when making a list of people I need to contact with my moving information. I do not have one friend with a vagina. I've always gotten along better with boys. I liked to skateboard and listen to "punk music" so my crowd tended to be mostly male throughout of high school. I did maintain friendships with females however. We'd have girls nights where we played with make up, ate junk food and gossiped. When I was 16 I left high school to pursue...well, a home schooling program-temporarily. It became permanent after my group of girlfriends spread some nasty rumors about me (although I can see how I could be mistaken for a pregnant crack whore who is psychotic and failing chemistry). I haven't had a female friend since. So my question to the ladies of tfp is... As I embark on my quest for knowledge (College), how do I go about finding decent girls to befriend? I'm not into clubs/bars/partying... the whole "Lesss get crunk and score sum hawt guyz" scene doesn't appeal to me. I like conversation, I like opinions, I like respect, I like intelligence, I like girls who can have fun without compromising their integrity. Thank You!

08-23-2005, 11:26 AM	#2 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Lead, when I find the answer I will let you know. I have some girl friends that I have met through work. We do things every once in awhile, but we don't talk everyday and know very little about each other. When I was in college, I befriended people I had classes with. We would study together and work on projects. Sometimes we would go out to dinner or celebrate a birthday. I've never been one to have girl friends. I typically find it a shallow relationship and sorry, but girls/women are catty. I hope I didn't piss off any women here because this is a totally different community. If I could find intelligent people like the ones here, I'd have friends all over. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-23-2005, 02:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sugar&Spice Psycho	That is one of my goals for this year at college. I need friends that are girls! I'm friends with my ex's roommates whom are all guys, but I don't want to hang out and see him all the time over there so I need a new group of friends. But it is hard to find girls who are able to hold an intelligent conversation with some substance to it. I don't want to talk about how tan they are or how long it took them to do their hair or what color fingernail polish they have on or who will be hotter when they are 90. Yes, these are the actual conversations I pick up on in my classes. So, if you find out how to go about meeting girls that you can stand to be around..let me know! __________________ -Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

08-23-2005, 03:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	i'm not good at the whole friendship thing but in theory, if you want friendship with people like yourselves, try a club, either thru the school, or locally, if there's not a club, find out what it would take to start a club at your school (ie a skateboarding club or a punk music club - -surely you are not the only person with that interest.) as long as you have friends... what difference does it make what gender they are... i have an article at home on the 10 friends every woman needs (when i am next there, i will be sure to copy it up here) but i sort of dispute a lot of it... why are women friends necessary/ my best friend from the age of 4 to 36 was a male... I'd take one of him over 50 women friends any day of the week. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

08-24-2005, 10:35 AM	#8 (permalink)
anti fishstick Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash Location: oregon	i also tend to relate more to woman who are older than me. I go to an art institute school and the girls there are all pretty much cliquish like high school. It feels like a high school too. I hate it. Some "girls" around me are only a year younger than me (i'm 22) and I feel so old sometimes.. I never really got along well with girls either, except for my HS friends. I would like to make more friends in general though and I feel like my guy friends in the past have all just wanted to get with me. So that never worked well either. __________________ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin Last edited by anti fishstick; 08-24-2005 at 10:38 AM..

08-23-2005, 09:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	I get along well with women ages 30-55. Maybe this should be my target. Mal, What I miss about female friends is my best friend, grade 7-11. She thought like me, was funny, wicked smart, nice, had self respect and mellowed my slightly...eccentric tendencies. I have never found a guy who compares to her. I miss our sisterhood. And yes, I do believe I need to call her. Wow. Elphaba, I'll agree to disagree with you on the whole girl thing. I shall be a frightfully delicious and devilish girl until the day I die, and my grandchildren will discuss me for decades. I'll also disagree regarding my frame. I am framed by my self, not my words; if that makes any sense. But thanks for the advice, I'll definitly heed your suggestions.

08-24-2005, 07:52 AM	#7 (permalink)
Munchkin Upright	I have to totally agree with you about women being catty. I have always had more male friends than female friends. I always thought it was because I have two younger brothers, so I never had a problem relating to males. I have come to the conclusion however that there is so much less drama and bs with having male friends than female friends. Have you ever noticed that when most men disagree or fight, they are joking about it a few hours later? You would never see women doing that. I guess my advice to you would be go with what your most comfortable with, and to def call your childhood friend. I am sure she would love to hear from you.

08-24-2005, 10:52 AM	#9 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	I can relate anti fishstick. A lot of my male friends would disappear as soon as a girlfriend came into the picture or would pitch a fit when I rejected their advances. I think the cliques exsist out of high school, college and into the outside world, the key is I guess, to find someone who finds those cliques as pointless and immature as you (and I) do.

08-24-2005, 11:25 AM	#10 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	First of all, I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, but this thread strikes me the way one of those "help me find love" threads does, where the best thing to say is that you can't love somebody else until you love yourself. Second, I do not presume to pass judgment on anyone based on whether or not they want to identify as a "girl" or "woman" because that is not the issue. The issue is whether or not you identify as a person, first and foremost. If you act like you are more female than you are human, you will attract company that treats you that way. Likewise, if you treat people like they are male and female before they are human, they will behave less and less like human beings. It really is that simple, even if it takes a little while to experience it before you can trust that it is. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)

08-24-2005, 02:20 PM	#11 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	LEad, it sounds like you have some trust issues when it comes to women that you might not have when it comes to men. And considering the rumor issue, i can see why that is. I have a couple friends that are women, but both are over 40 and i'm 23, i just get along better with them than gals my own age... so hence, it doesn't matter what age or gender your friends are, just count yourself lucky to have people you can love and trust with your friendship. So, Personally, i don't think it matters that all your friends are guys, except as you get older, you will find that guys are more difficult to be friends with, since they are usually going to start hitting on you (irregaurdless if you have a man or not) Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself" Last edited by sweetpea; 08-24-2005 at 02:35 PM..

08-24-2005, 03:20 PM	#14 (permalink)
lindseylatch Addict Location: Seattle, WA	Most of the friends I have in college came from a message board for the school (including my boyfriend ). You could look and see if your school has one. Ours isn't run by the university, but there might be some that are. Facebook is a good way to get names and faces of people in your classes, then you can strike up a conversation the next day. Or you could start a study group for a class you really dig, maybe one that's optional, so you get people who share your interests. __________________ "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -Voltaire

08-25-2005, 09:00 AM	#18 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	Dammit I just want someone to paint my nails with...is that so wrong? There are things females do, that guys don't do. I might be exceptionally girly here but whatever, that's me. I like make-up, I like clothes, I like spa days and chick flicks. Most guys don't. I don't have any self esteem issues or problems trusting or loving myself, I was simply asking where to find females like this in my college setting, as I have never been to college and have no freeeaaaakin idea what's offered on campus. Simple as that. And abaya, I agree with you. Streak takes up most of my time and fulfills the needs...I have. Last edited by Lead543; 08-25-2005 at 09:05 AM..

08-25-2005, 09:28 AM	#19 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	that's cute and no that's not wrong at all... if it's what you want to do, no reason not to have it... I'm sure once you get to school, you'll gravitate towards people like you, and you'll have no problem meeting friends... you're first few days there, check out the bulletin boards, explore clubs that interest you... check out the student newspaper for stuff to do, none have to be a lifelong committment, but who knows, you might enjoy the underwater basketweaving club, because the people in the club are fun... go to one meeting for a club that sounds remotely interesting.. and decide if it's for you... (and as cute as you are, I'm sure the boys would be lining up to paint your toenails for you.. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less. Last edited by maleficent; 08-25-2005 at 09:31 AM..

08-25-2005, 04:01 PM	#20 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	Lead, I like all those things too (well, except for the chick flicks, I tend to not like them). However, I also like a lot of other things as well, and that one part of me doesn't define all of me. I find myself in the same boat as you; I know quite a few females (I don't want to get into the girl/woman thing ) who don't seem too interested in anything but appearance, guys, and partying.....and that gets old pretty quickly. I used to worry about not having any girlfriends....but I realized I had some great guy friends and had fun hanging out with them. And that was all that mattered. __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

08-26-2005, 01:27 PM	#22 (permalink)
nickynicole Crazy Location: not here.	I had one of those soul-mate type friends once... actually, several times, and when we find ourselves seperated because of distance, I spend a long time trying to replace them... to find the same person again. But that can't happen. With every new person I meet, the dynamics are different, and so am I. Be open to new, possible different, friendships. Are you living on campus? That sould make a big difference in adding females to your social life. My freshman year of college, I chose to live in the girls-only dorm, and the community was great. If you school has an arrangement like this, I highly suggest it. I could tell a big difference, just in atmosphere, between the all girls dorm and the co-ed dorm. Additionally, the first few days of college will be unlike any you will every have in your life. For the most part, EVERYONE will be in lookingfornewfriends mode. If you can live on campus, by all means do!

09-03-2005, 11:36 AM	#23 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	I lucked out. Growing up, I always had E, she lives around the corner and we started playing together when we were 2. We're still friends. Then there's L, who we met in junior high. When you find a good female friend, they're rare enough that you just don't let them go. I also found a couple of good female friends in college. Your best bet is to find the least-ditzy girl in each of your classes, sit near them, be study partners. If you hit it off, you've just made that friend. If you don't, you'll at least have a better grade in the class for it. If you're in a campus club that revolves around one of your interests, you'll be more likely to run into at least one other female friend. Stepping into college is a much bigger environment than high school ever was. There's a better chance of finding someone you'll get along with and appreciate. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

09-03-2005, 12:06 PM	#24 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	I have always developed friendships by chance. In college I had numerous 'acquaintances'. There were people I'd talk to while I was in class but I never hung out with. I had only a few 'friends' that I would plan to do things with. Most of the time I chose them logically and purposefully. I found it hard though to find girls who didn't always think about clothes, jewelry, boys, and complain about their bodies. There were FEW girls who wanted to go hiking in the woods with me, biking, or playing a rough game of soccer. When I found a girl who was doing one of those activities I would sometimes introduce myself and start a conversation. When that went well I'd look her up at a mealtime sometime. Sometimes after that the girl would start a conversation with me the next time we met. Now - I have to PLAN to talk to ladies that I want to be friends with. Sometimes that is hard to find the time so it makes creating a friendship more difficult. I am lucky right now to have a neighbor lady who has many similar interests and is friendly. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

09-04-2005, 11:57 PM	#25 (permalink)
Janie Insane Location: Greater Vancouver	Lead, I think if you're looking for stimulating conversation (and assuming you're an academic type), try getting to know your fellow lady classmates better. They're likely to have some opinions, and not about your 'pregnancy'. I don't think you're going to find any lifelong friends at a kegger, so don't expect anything if you go to one You're right about the cattiness though, and I'm guessing that's why you get along with older women in general. They're less catty! Go for someone who looks confident and happy, and isn't bitching about her life or insulting others all the time. __________________ cheers to the motherland

09-05-2005, 02:31 AM	#26 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	i'd suggest asking your male friends to introduce you to their female friends (not girlfriends--that's just asking for awkward).

09-06-2005, 07:37 AM	#27 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Personally, I have always found it difficult to maintain female friendships. Of my four or five nearest and dearest, only one is a woman and I'm finding as I grow older I have less and less in common with other women. We are a competitive, control-seeking emotional lot-probably why the term 'catty' is used to describe us. (what's ironic is people that don't know me at all think I hate men!!) Those people in high school you called friends weren't friends, obviously. Hopefully, in college, some maturity may come along. In the meantime, there are, I'm sure, study groups, activities, etc that you can get involved with-as long as you get involved in things you truly enjoy and not just to 'make friends'. And why not paint Streaks nails and let him do yours? Put yourself out there and let things flow naturally in the long run. Sometimes the best things we searched for all our lives come along when we stop looking. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

09-09-2005, 11:37 AM	#28 (permalink)
Sweets78 Upright	I understand!! I too have difficulties making female friends. Allow me to ellaborate. I have difficulty finding people that are of "good character." I have not taken the standard path with leaving home at 18, going to college for four years and getting a job. I was in the age of the dot com boom (and not knowing what I wanted to do yet) I was able to make great money at the ripe old age of 20. I thought "This is great, I don't really need college." Needless to say, that bubble burst, I was laid off and get stuck in some of the worst jobs I can imagine for the worst pay because I had no college degree. Being in those crappy jobs gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to go to college. I was able to meet some people at night school because we all worked. I did face big problems working with women at my work however. I either had a woman boss who thought we were gal pals and therefore she liked to talk to me about her menstral cycle (yeah, that's not weird) and my coworkers who were women were very catty and acted as though they were in the 10th grade. I got along fantastically with my male coworkers. Fast forward four years of going part time to finally being able to go full time to college. I have found that I am at least eight years older than the rest of my class. This means that being 28 versus being 18 are two very different dynamics. I don't talk about my hair, getting wasted the night before, watch the Real World or have the emotional depth of a bottlecap. When I have found people my age or older, there only seems to be school in common so when the class ends, I never see them again. So I basically I go to campus and put in about 40 hours worth of time and have no real conversations with anybody. I don't really think about how this makes me feel but every now and again I get sad because I don't understand why. I am an intellegent, witty, sarcastic, honest, confident good person who is having trouble making connections at the place I spend many waking hours. Any suggestions?

09-11-2005, 04:54 PM	#30 (permalink)
Sweets78 Upright	Thanks I have to say that I agree with you completely. I feel like I am like an american plug trying to fit into a european outlet when I am on campus most times. I have to admit that there are better opportunities in my advanced courses. Definitely I will attempt to connect elsewhere. Another point I would like to make is whole issue of friendship itself. I don't have problems interacting with others but finding someone that feels that friendship is important (i.e. putting effor into it, being there when needed) is lacking in this area. Where I lives seems to be very transient due to our economy here. It is true that friendships change through time; however I am someone who is looking for a truely great person. I explained to a guy friend of mine that it is like how men are dating women (finding friendships) and have some of the same characteristics: Meeting them, getting to know them, and deciding if this particular person is "working out" to warrant more time and opening myself up further. I can't explain it other than that really. I have met countless people who turn out to be selfish, condescending, needy, petty, not very interesting, or my personal favorite: a bigot. Basically all characteristic that men don't like about women in order to have a lasting romantic relationships is what I sort of go through. What's funny is I thought that I wouldn't have to deal with "dating" anymore once I had met the man of my dreams. Boy was I wrong! Ladies Lounge, feel free to post similar "friendship dating experiences" with other females. I am sure there are some good ones out there (because I surely do).