abaya

Well, that's a phrase that I sometimes use to describe girls who are always craving attention from men (and women) and are never satisfied. Typically they are high-maintenance, e.g. needs lots of expensive gifts, lavish dinners out, flowers every day, constant praise for their looks, etc. You know the type...

Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that I'm one of these, too. Not because I have expensive taste or anything, but it seems that I need an AWFUL lot of constant affirmation and gestures from my boyfriend in order to feel like he's thinking about me. And this is a wonderful guy I've been dating for 11 months or so, who has honestly never given me reason to believe he doesn't love me. We live 3 hours apart right now, but we send each other e-mails every day, talk on MSN for hours at night, and usually not a day goes by that we don't say "I love you," and mean it. I'm his first girlfriend, and sometimes I feel like he is still learning a lot about how to "romance" a woman day to day (even just knowing what to do on Valentine's Day, etc), but his affection is completely consistent and I know that he adores me, in his heart. Yet I still feel like I expect too much of him, and know that he gets upset at me for wanting so much. And then I get really down on myself and hate myself for being so demanding.

Example: one recent discussion we had was about taking pictures... I love pictures, so I take lots of him as well as both of us. I have pictures of us in my apartment and office. He doesn't have pictures of us in his apartment or office, which I try not to take personally, but somehow still get upset about He doesn't usually take pictures of me unless I ask him to, which sometimes makes me feel neglected (and vain, for asking him to do so). He bought a camera when we first started dating, just to take picture of me... but then after a short while he noticed that I took lots of pictures too, so he eventually stopped taking pictures of me and us since he could always look at mine. I felt like I was doing a lot more work.

We talked about this and he reassures me that he loves me and still takes "mental pictures," since he's not a picture-taking person, and thinks about me all the time. Yet I seem to always feel like he's not saying enough, or doing enough, to show that he is indeed thinking of me. Often I feel that I am putting too much effort into little things and gestures to him, since I don't get them back in the same way... and then once again I feel really bad afterwards, that I am somehow undervaluing his efforts.

I never thought of myself as being particularly insecure... I'm getting my PhD, feel pretty smart and sensible about most things... but when it comes to attention from my boyfriend, I become a puddle of neediness (and remind myself of my mother, who is the same way). No matter how rational my brain is, telling me to be confident in his love for me, to just TRUST him and not need him to express his love all the time and/or dramatically, I can't seem to rest in this knowledge. I feel very confused and stuck right now.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

The.Lunatic

My definition of an "attention whore" is a bit different. I see that person as needing attention from everyone in the room at all times, having to outdo everyone's stories with a better one of their own and stuff like that. So, no I do not think you are an attention whore.

Having a long distance relationship is difficult even if it is only 3 hrs. I remember going through the same thing when I lived 5 hrs from my boyfriend. But I then realized that he's human and isn't into talking about feelings as much as a girl might be. Just sit back and realize that he loves you even if he doesn't express it in the way you might like everyday. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Chances are he has no idea you feel neglected and he may try a little harder.

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Proud memeber of the Insomniac Club.

Sugar&Spice

Edit above post!! That was me and not my boyfriend..I was accidentally signed in under his account.

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

abaya

Sugar&Spice, thanks. I've done that, too (accidentally posting under my boyfriend's nick)... And I guess you might be right about the def. of attention whore, but at the same time I feel a bit like one, at least with my boyfriend...

I have told him how I feel, probably TOO often! I think he gets a bit tired of hearing my insecurities all the time, though he loves me through those moments as best he can. He knows that I feel neglected sometimes, but he is trying pretty darn hard to express his feelings and yet I still don't get "full" from them, and he told me I should just try to accept him the way he is and not ask him to change too much. And this wasn't always while we've been apart... we lived together for 5 months, too, and I got needy at times then, too. I just feel very frustrated with this pattern in our relationship right now.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

SparklingDot

I think those of us in busy or long distance relationships end up feeling lonely and needy. We just have to remember that no matter what is going on in our lives, he's got stuff he has to deal with too. I wouldn't worry about the picture thing. If you take lots of pictures, he likes the one's you took because you took them. And he might not display them, but if he has some, you know he's looking at them. Guys are strange like that. But don't doubt that he loves you. Its frustrating not seeing your SO often enough (or at all), but we have to deal with it. It seems like you guys still communicate well and often. Try not to push him into giving you what you think you need, but make sure he knows how you feel and that you understand that the things he has to deal with are important too. Take time on your own to think about why you feel this way and if you are overcomplicating things. Remember, you have an amazing man who loves you.

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17 seconds is all you really need
- Smashing Pumpkins

raeanna74

One thing I noticed about your post is that you said you've been dating about 11 mo. That's long enough for the original excitement to wear off and for a couple to fall into a routine. That can happen at any age of a relationship but it seems to naturally happen around this time. At least it did for me and I've seen it in other relationships too.

Guys are lazy. Some moreso than others. His non-picture taking attitude is simply cause you ARE taking a LOT of pictures. He's not interested in taking lots of his own cause it takes work. Are you really good at taking pictures? Another possibility there is just that he may feel like he doesn't take good ones so why waste the film and effort when you DO take good ones and enjoy it.

As was said already, a long distance relationship takes a lot more work. I've been in one that was 2 1/2 hours apart for a while. It gives you a lot more free time to analyze a lot of what's going on and what peoples motives are for doing things. You are nearby to know exactly what they're doing all the time so it gives you a lot of possibilities for the imagination to wonder what they're up to even though there's nothing to suspect.

To me it sounds like you're a normal girl in a long distance relationship that needs to be spiced up just a tad. I wouldn't worry too much.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Sage

wow- long distance relationships... man, am i glad i don't have to do that anymore!

hon, you also have to think about the fact that no matter how much you talk on the phone or on MSN or thru e-mail- there's a LOT lost in the electronic translation. Martel and I used to get upset at each other because we'd read each other's emotions wrong because it's almost impossible to convey yourself properly over IM. so keep that in mind!

alright, so sit down with yourself and ask yourself WHY you feel like you need this guy to shower affection over you. be honest. do you really and truly feel like you're a great girl, in every way, beautiful, smart, sexy? or are there some things you would like to change- ie go to the gym, get a haircut, wear more makeup, stop smoking? if there's little things that you feel insecure about within yourself then you're bound to have those compound into you feeling like your BF isn't paying you enough attention- your own little insecurities keep you from seeing the way things REALLY are! have a heart to heart with yourself- you said you're getting your PhD- which is really time consuming- are you spending enough time with yourself these days? giving yourself a manicure, watching soap operas, going for a walk just because? make sure to show YOURSELF that you love yourself! don't look to another person to fulfill your emotional needs- that leads to dependency and THAT is something which can wear you down faster than anything!

annnd- you said your mother is the type to be dependent and needy. think about that, and think about how you saw your mother doing that. are you exhibiting behavior that reminds you of how your mother acted? like raeanna said, after a while, a relationship gets into a routine. it is in those times of routine that people tend to revert to their subconcious knowledge of how a relationship should be done- so you're acting like your mom, perhaps because that's the only example of a relationship you've ever seen/been exposed to. so, think about what you don't wanna do, and how you don't wanna act, and really think about why you feel the need to do so. perhaps if you think about it, you'll find that there's no real reason behind how you act, just something left over from your mother!

anyway, this is getting kinda long- but i know how you feel... feel free to PM me if you'd like more "IMHO" advice! good luck, and remember, you love him, he loves you, THAT'S WHAT MATTERS!!!

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SiN

Yes, you are an attention-whore!

.... sorry, but i'm always tempted to respond to these 'question' threads as such ...

anyways, you're not an attention whore, just needy.

got that right off the first paragraph, then got to the last and *bingo!*

I think the best advise I can give you is that whatever it is, it's gotta come from within you.
out of the context of your relationship.

not saying get out of the relationship ... just saying, it's about you.

not making much sense probably ...

(ps) major props on going for a PhD /envy ... and, you probably are smart, self-analysis is a marker of intelligence I believe .. /guilty

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*Nikki*

Being that I am in a long distance relationship (3 hours apart also) I know what you mean. We have been apart for almost a year of our two year relationship.

If anything this has helped me get to know myself better and not depend on him so much.

I am the same way as you though. I send my man an email everyday with lovey I miss you stuff and I think he has written me a total of two times our whole relationship. I have learned to accept that this is just how he is.

Men communicate things different then we do. Different does not mean bad.

abaya

Hey, thanks all. I didn't expect such detailed responses, so I really appreciate what everyone said. Funny, if I was responding to a thread like this I'd say a lot of similar things. It's just applying it to myself that's really hard@

Raenna74: do you have any suggestions for "spicing things up" over the distance (for either me or him)? How do you, personally, keep a relationship from becoming a habit or a rut?

Sage: Yep, I'm all too aware of the mother stuff, believe me! But I've been going to counseling for a while and am going to continue working on my insecurities (esp. inherited from my mother) in a relationship. I think I do need to spend more time on myself (not necessarily thinking, since I do that too much), working out, cleaning my apartment, doing things that bring me satisfaction. And I just have to just get used to the long-distance thing, since as long as I'm doing my PhD (at least a year, maybe 2 more), it's going to be that way. I am very glad that we do get to see each other most weekends, though.

SiN: see above... I'm constantly working on making it come from within, as I'm very aware that it's one of my own colorful "issues" and has very little to do with my bf. It's funny, when I'm single I'm confident as hell!... don't need emotional fulfillment from anyone, not nearly as much as when I'm in a relationship. Need to figure out why I get so damn needy...

*Nikki:* How long did it take you to accept your boyfriend as he was? I'm so impressed with your ability to disconnect your behavior from his response. I want to be more like that, just can't seem to force my mind to act that way, somehow (hence my frustration).

However I am feeling somewhat more positive today, and I know my bf and I are both working hard to keep this love going strong over the distance... still, I can't wait to grow out of this stage!!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

KinkyKiwi

I feel exactly the same...except i don't get even that much attention from my boyfriend..he lives right next door..but i'm lucky if i get to see him on the weekends..we don't talk on the phone at all and we talk maybe 1 time per week on AIM for 5 minutes...I know he loves me but i wish he would give me more attention...do more of the little i'm thinking of you things that i do for him..like dropping off beautiful cards with love letters inside, or paintings even flowers...weve been together for a year and i guess like 4 months...i worry all the time that hes not thinking of me or that hes giving someone else more attention then me...especially giving someone else more attention then me lol..not even in a cheating way...even in a friend way...i keep thinking oneday i'll find out that everyday that he doesnt call me hes on the phone or online with someone else and not me...i feel like i'm teh one who needs it and even tho he might not be giving someone else teh attention it actually bothers me...i would love it if even when we were together he would pay more attention to me..and ask me about my life and give me all his attention insted of like playing computer games or playstation...
i think its just an almost normal female feeling

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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

anti fishstick

well i think we're all "attention whores" to some degree. i can relate about being needy. it's a different kind of high maintenance. I agree with SiN, it has to come from within you. I can really relate to this right now actually because my boyfriend and I have been dating for 14 months and I'm in a bit of a personal rut. Try reflecting and asking questions about yourself more. What do you want in life? Make a "mission statement" of your goals (personal and/or professional) and try not to lose purpose or perspective.

about the pictures thing: I think women naturally take more pictures than men. It's just one of our quirks. I'm sure he appreciates all your pictures and feels that he doesn't need to take them when you're the one with the most interest. And why should taking them feel like work? They should be fun! Maybe you could make it funner by suggesting you take pictures together. Let him photograph you while you play dress up... or dress down. I think it's fun to take pictures together during intimate moments.. Something you can keep between only the two of you.. Something private and special. This works better if you have a digital camera.

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

cowgirl02

My bf and i are also 3 hrs away from eachother. We talk on the phone like all the time, but when i go visit him i noticed that i too am in desperate need of attention. It goes along with the long distance relationship. Just because he does not take pics of you does not mean that he is not head over heels for you, he prob just figures (like stated above) that you have taken so many that he really does not need to. About not having any pics of you two in his place, maybe ask him if you got some frames would he mind if you put some pics of the two of you in them and put them around his place. Even though he might not show you all his feelings, most guys dont honey!! Thats just the way they are but eventually you will realize that just because he really does not show them does not mean that they dont exist. My bf shows his feelings a bit and it took me about a year to realize that it is ok if he does not show them all the time. I hope that everything works out the best for you and dont worry its a normal thing for most girls. Good luck!!!

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