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Old 02-28-2005, 09:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
abaya
 
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Location: Iceland
Am I an "attention whore?"

Well, that's a phrase that I sometimes use to describe girls who are always craving attention from men (and women) and are never satisfied. Typically they are high-maintenance, e.g. needs lots of expensive gifts, lavish dinners out, flowers every day, constant praise for their looks, etc. You know the type...

Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that I'm one of these, too. Not because I have expensive taste or anything, but it seems that I need an AWFUL lot of constant affirmation and gestures from my boyfriend in order to feel like he's thinking about me. And this is a wonderful guy I've been dating for 11 months or so, who has honestly never given me reason to believe he doesn't love me. We live 3 hours apart right now, but we send each other e-mails every day, talk on MSN for hours at night, and usually not a day goes by that we don't say "I love you," and mean it. I'm his first girlfriend, and sometimes I feel like he is still learning a lot about how to "romance" a woman day to day (even just knowing what to do on Valentine's Day, etc), but his affection is completely consistent and I know that he adores me, in his heart. Yet I still feel like I expect too much of him, and know that he gets upset at me for wanting so much. And then I get really down on myself and hate myself for being so demanding.

Example: one recent discussion we had was about taking pictures... I love pictures, so I take lots of him as well as both of us. I have pictures of us in my apartment and office. He doesn't have pictures of us in his apartment or office, which I try not to take personally, but somehow still get upset about He doesn't usually take pictures of me unless I ask him to, which sometimes makes me feel neglected (and vain, for asking him to do so). He bought a camera when we first started dating, just to take picture of me... but then after a short while he noticed that I took lots of pictures too, so he eventually stopped taking pictures of me and us since he could always look at mine. I felt like I was doing a lot more work.

We talked about this and he reassures me that he loves me and still takes "mental pictures," since he's not a picture-taking person, and thinks about me all the time. Yet I seem to always feel like he's not saying enough, or doing enough, to show that he is indeed thinking of me. Often I feel that I am putting too much effort into little things and gestures to him, since I don't get them back in the same way... and then once again I feel really bad afterwards, that I am somehow undervaluing his efforts.

I never thought of myself as being particularly insecure... I'm getting my PhD, feel pretty smart and sensible about most things... but when it comes to attention from my boyfriend, I become a puddle of neediness (and remind myself of my mother, who is the same way). No matter how rational my brain is, telling me to be confident in his love for me, to just TRUST him and not need him to express his love all the time and/or dramatically, I can't seem to rest in this knowledge. I feel very confused and stuck right now.
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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

--Khalil Gibran
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