Would this bother any of you? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

uptown · 02-13-2005, 04:23 AM

MY SO has a habit of sometimes bounding into our bedroom, erection at it's stiffest and looking for sex.
This usualy happens when I've been asleep and it appears his interest was fueled by whatever 2D images he was viewing at the computer.

This would be okay I guess except for the fact that lately whenever we have sexual encounters that are generated by actual interaction between us, he usually can't come or takes forever to come, on a couple of occasions he's ininitated contact and not gotten an erection at all.

I feel terrible, I worry constantly and suspect that he's not sexually attracted to me at all and that he only has sex with me because he does love me and feels it's his duty.

The thought that the best sex he has with me only happens when he's thinking of/turned on by somebody else makes me feel horrible.I'm now faking orgasms because I feel so stressed and tense.

SiN · 02-13-2005, 05:13 AM

For the moment I will only suggest that you look through your post history and see if you notise any things.

uptown · 02-13-2005, 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SiN

For the moment I will only suggest that you look through your post history and see if you notise any things.

Yeah, we have a history of lousy sex and I don't know what to do about it.
When I try to talk to him about things,it ends up with him getting mad.
What's really hard is that we get along so well in other areas.

If we didn't get along and if he wasn't kind and considerate in other areas the answer would be easy.

Jonsgirl · 02-13-2005, 08:35 AM

Communication is the key, but if he can't or won't talk about it........well, you know. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if it's not working in the bedroom, maybe it's a sign that it shouldn't work at all?
You two can either talk about it and work it out, or you keep feeling unappreciated and miserable.

uptown · 02-13-2005, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonsgirl

Communication is the key, but if he can't or won't talk about it........well, you know. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if it's not working in the bedroom, maybe it's a sign that it shouldn't work at all?
You two can either talk about it and work it out, or you keep feeling unappreciated and miserable.

I don't feel unappreciated, I feel responsible,gulity,ashamed !!!
and I have tried to talk about it.

ngdawg · 02-13-2005, 09:38 AM

I don't get the 'fake orgasm' part-don't know how that can be done. Doesn't he see that? That'd be the first thing-stop faking. It's making you feel worse and serves no purpose.
The fact that he has trouble maintaining or coming might not be in his mind-he may have physiological reasons-is he on any medications? Does he drink or smoke weed? While alcohol and/or pot doesn't affect everyone, it may affect him. Is he overweight or have circulatory problems?
Before getting totally frustrated and deeper into a vicious cycle, schedule a check-up-bet he hasn't had one in ages if at all.
Good luck and stop faking it! (if anyone would like to enlighten me as to how that is actually done, I'm very curious to know! I know I can't fake mine!)

lazygirl · 02-13-2005, 12:13 PM

yes, I think it would bother me.

Elusive Dreamer · 02-13-2005, 02:19 PM

oh my...
this relationship isn't a relationship; doesn't that make you feel dirty beyond comprehension??? yes, my god, it would bother me... so much as that i wouldn't have sex with him anymore, i'd be too creeped out, mad at the fact that he's not thinking of me when getting an erection, etc. if you think that he's fucking you because it's his civic duty to your relationship... i advice leave now, or seriously talk about this. this is NOT healthy. why are you faking orgasms?? they don't help the situation... nor does it make you (or him) feel any better about what's going on. he's got to know your faking it and doesn't care... that's not right.
you need to TALK to him, about everything that's bothering both you and him and what's going to happen to what's left of your relationship... because outside of this, it's just a friendship. right? TALK TO HIM, stop having pity-sex... i'm sure it doesn't feel good!

uptown · 02-13-2005, 02:44 PM

I'm faking because I now have performance anxiety "is he going to come ?" or is he going to even get an erection.Nothing feels worse than to have had what you felt was
a glorious sex session only to realise that once again,no orgasm for him.

I've tried talking about it with him but everytime I try he says getting him to think about it will just make it worse,to the point that he won't want to touch me.He has said he's never had these problems with other women.

At this point I'm trying to not say anything,to act casual when he doesn't come/get an erection but it's really,really bothering me.

Sweetpea · 02-13-2005, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elusive Dreamer

oh my...
this relationship isn't a relationship; doesn't that make you feel dirty beyond comprehension??? yes, my god, it would bother me... so much as that i wouldn't have sex with him anymore, i'd be too creeped out, mad at the fact that he's not thinking of me when getting an erection, etc.

Elusive dreamer . . .

You've never thought of someone else while having sex? The thought of someone else has never popped into your mind? Plenty of people explore that in their relationships together as a couple, so saying "this relationship isn't a realtionship etc" is a bit narrow on your part, there are many people who embrace different things . . . to each their own . .. Remember that when you dispense advice.

Uptown . . .
This isn't about your sex life perhaps . . . it seems it might be concerning bigger issues in your relationship . . . and if he gets "mad" when you try to communicate with him . . . is it really worth it to be with someone who doesn't let you communicate your feelings in an open manner?
You seem like a wonderful indidvidual . . . there is someone out there who might perhaps be a better fit for you . . .

Sweetpea

Sage · 02-13-2005, 05:09 PM

do you know he's not cheating on you? it seems that he's not attracted to you sexually, from what you said, because when he looks at porn he's got no trouble getting an erection and coming, but when it's just you he's limp like week old pasta. i agree with everyone else here- you have some serious issues with your relationship and niether of you are adressing them. He is getting mad and changing the subject whenever it comes up, and you are so stressed you're not enjoying sex anymore. problems in a relationship usually manifest in the bedroom before anywhere else, because it's easy to put up a front when living/talking/ hanging with each other, but it's much, much more difficult to put up a front when you're naked and being intimate. when is the last time you two kissed? i mean, really made out on the couch for no other reason than you liked to? often the abscence of kissing is the first sign that the intamacy in a relationship isn't there anymore. Hon, you DESERVE the best out of life! you DESERVE good sex, and you MOST DEFINITELY DESERVE a man who will listen to you when you have issues, not get mad and act like nothing is wrong. I was in a REALLY bad relationship where this was the case- whenever I had a problem he got all pissed and acted like it was MY fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! there's nothing happening here that's the fault of either of you. if you can't sit down and discuss your problems, WHATEVER THEY ARE, in a mature, kind, loving manner, then you've not got a relationship, you've got friends with benefits.

I suggest you take a deep breath, and take some time for yourself to go do something you love. book a half day at the spa, get a massage, go to a paint and bake pottery shop or something, and think about how much you love yourself. You are a great person, you are smart, beautiful, and deserving of the best. when you feel relaxed and at peace WITHIN YOURSELF, then you're ready to tackle the bigger questions that are running around inside your head. answer trufully, and realize that life is too short to be unhappy! even if you break up/have issues/seperate for a while, it's not the end of the world and it's WORTH EVERY SINGLE TEAR to get your life, happiness, and sexiness back!!

i wish you the best of luck- you're not the only one that has been through this!

raeanna74 · 02-13-2005, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

...Uptown . . .
This isn't about your sex life perhaps . . . it seems it might be concerning bigger issues in your relationship . . . and if he gets "mad" when you try to communicate with him . . . is it really worth it to be with someone who doesn't let you communicate your feelings in an open manner?...

Exactly my thoughts.

I don't think this is an issue of you not being able to turn him on. He has bigger issues. I do know the faking thing. That's all I'm saying here. Your SO could be struggling with a number of things. The fact that he's not getting hard for you or cumming even but being successful after, perhaps hours of, viewing porn ir most likely about him becoming aroused slowly and maybe even self stimulating. You could encourage him to masterbate while you kiss him all over or some such slow erotic act until he becomes hard. His coming to wake you up actually sends up a red flag for me. There's a couple things you mentioned that are not a regular part of a healthy relationship. These are

1. He get angry when you try to discuss your issue with him.
2. He wakes you in order to get gratification.
3. His waking you depraves you of sleep - this is much more of an issue if you are going to bed at a normal time and you need this sleep and not taking a nap cause you have nothing else to do.
4. You are faking it - your afrai you won't be performing well enough to please him. (At least this is how it sounded to me.)
5. He apparently said that talking about his problem would make him not want to touch you - not a healthy response.
6. You said "I feel responsible,gulity,ashamed !!!"

#'s 1-5 are typical responses of an emotional abuser. #'6 is a typical response of a victim of such abuse. I don't want to give a "diagnosis" or anything such as that but I'm suggesting that you take a step back and look at the whole relationship very carefully. Does he guilt trip you about things? or is this your response? Does he try to control in other ways besides asking for sex at inopportune moments? Does he get angry if you say "No I'm Sorry. I'm tired. That's why I was sleeping."? Does he get upset and angry about other things? An abuser doesn't always use physical force (that's usually only the end of the cycle). Often they use emotional guilt trips, withhold sex, disturb your sleep, complain about things when you don't do everything they want done. I'm sorry. I hope I'm not crossing a line here. Your post just pushed a button for me and I had to share my thoughts. I hope you don't mind.

Sage · 02-13-2005, 05:24 PM

I totally agree with raeanna74. My bad relationship that i mentioned earlier was with someone who was VERY emotionally abusive and after reading her post, if you feel in any way he is emotionally abusive (or harsh or abrasive) GET THE HELL OUT NOW! he's not gonna change, all he's gonna do is make you feel progressively WORSE for even existing. i would not want ANYONE to have to go through what i went through, during the relationship and afterwards building up my self esteem again. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE really THINK about what's going on in your relationship, and ask yourself if YOU are happy. forget about him for a minute, focus on you! you're what's important!

*Nikki* · 02-13-2005, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by uptown

He has said he's never had these problems with other women.

That is his way of making you feel guilty because HE DOES HAVE A PROBLEM.

It might be something as simple as addiction to porn, but the issue is on his end not yours.

ironmaiden7o7 · 02-13-2005, 08:38 PM

I was recently having a coversation with a friend from school about her sex life, she wasn't too happy because her situation was almost the same as yours. We were saying how sex makes a relationship stronger, if the sex is dead and there is no chemistry and passion between two people, their moments will be tense and stressful. I can only imagine what you're going through, I suggest you speak to him about it. If he is watching porn for a thrill while you are in the same house, then there is something wrong. There is nothing wrong with men watching porn when they are alone to satisfy their needs, but there is something terribly wrong with men watching porn when their women are in the same room/house with them. To most men, looking at his woman and making love to his woman is more realistic, and it gives them more pleasure. Please speak to him about it. You need to communicate with him about this and let him know that you notice his behaviors and you won't tolerate it. I wish you all the best.

sexymama · 02-16-2005, 06:03 PM

Having been there with my ex, believe me, if he won't talk about it -- get out! Your dignity is worth more than what he is doing to you. This is his problem! I could go on and on; but all the other women have said what I'd say and said it well. TAKE CARE OF YOU!

02-13-2005, 04:23 AM	#1 (permalink)
uptown Insane	Would this bother any of you? MY SO has a habit of sometimes bounding into our bedroom, erection at it's stiffest and looking for sex. This usualy happens when I've been asleep and it appears his interest was fueled by whatever 2D images he was viewing at the computer. This would be okay I guess except for the fact that lately whenever we have sexual encounters that are generated by actual interaction between us, he usually can't come or takes forever to come, on a couple of occasions he's ininitated contact and not gotten an erection at all. I feel terrible, I worry constantly and suspect that he's not sexually attracted to me at all and that he only has sex with me because he does love me and feels it's his duty. The thought that the best sex he has with me only happens when he's thinking of/turned on by somebody else makes me feel horrible.I'm now faking orgasms because I feel so stressed and tense.

02-13-2005, 05:13 AM	#2 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	For the moment I will only suggest that you look through your post history and see if you notise any things. __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

02-13-2005, 08:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
Jonsgirl Semi-Atomic Location: Home.	Communication is the key, but if he can't or won't talk about it........well, you know. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if it's not working in the bedroom, maybe it's a sign that it shouldn't work at all? You two can either talk about it and work it out, or you keep feeling unappreciated and miserable. __________________ Someday, someone will best me. But it won't be today, and it won't be you.

02-13-2005, 05:09 PM	#11 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	do you know he's not cheating on you? it seems that he's not attracted to you sexually, from what you said, because when he looks at porn he's got no trouble getting an erection and coming, but when it's just you he's limp like week old pasta. i agree with everyone else here- you have some serious issues with your relationship and niether of you are adressing them. He is getting mad and changing the subject whenever it comes up, and you are so stressed you're not enjoying sex anymore. problems in a relationship usually manifest in the bedroom before anywhere else, because it's easy to put up a front when living/talking/ hanging with each other, but it's much, much more difficult to put up a front when you're naked and being intimate. when is the last time you two kissed? i mean, really made out on the couch for no other reason than you liked to? often the abscence of kissing is the first sign that the intamacy in a relationship isn't there anymore. Hon, you DESERVE the best out of life! you DESERVE good sex, and you MOST DEFINITELY DESERVE a man who will listen to you when you have issues, not get mad and act like nothing is wrong. I was in a REALLY bad relationship where this was the case- whenever I had a problem he got all pissed and acted like it was MY fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! there's nothing happening here that's the fault of either of you. if you can't sit down and discuss your problems, WHATEVER THEY ARE, in a mature, kind, loving manner, then you've not got a relationship, you've got friends with benefits. I suggest you take a deep breath, and take some time for yourself to go do something you love. book a half day at the spa, get a massage, go to a paint and bake pottery shop or something, and think about how much you love yourself. You are a great person, you are smart, beautiful, and deserving of the best. when you feel relaxed and at peace WITHIN YOURSELF, then you're ready to tackle the bigger questions that are running around inside your head. answer trufully, and realize that life is too short to be unhappy! even if you break up/have issues/seperate for a while, it's not the end of the world and it's WORTH EVERY SINGLE TEAR to get your life, happiness, and sexiness back!! i wish you the best of luck- you're not the only one that has been through this! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

02-13-2005, 05:24 PM	#13 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	I totally agree with raeanna74. My bad relationship that i mentioned earlier was with someone who was VERY emotionally abusive and after reading her post, if you feel in any way he is emotionally abusive (or harsh or abrasive) GET THE HELL OUT NOW! he's not gonna change, all he's gonna do is make you feel progressively WORSE for even existing. i would not want ANYONE to have to go through what i went through, during the relationship and afterwards building up my self esteem again. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE really THINK about what's going on in your relationship, and ask yourself if YOU are happy. forget about him for a minute, focus on you! you're what's important! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

02-13-2005, 09:38 AM	#6 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	I don't get the 'fake orgasm' part-don't know how that can be done. Doesn't he see that? That'd be the first thing-stop faking. It's making you feel worse and serves no purpose. The fact that he has trouble maintaining or coming might not be in his mind-he may have physiological reasons-is he on any medications? Does he drink or smoke weed? While alcohol and/or pot doesn't affect everyone, it may affect him. Is he overweight or have circulatory problems? Before getting totally frustrated and deeper into a vicious cycle, schedule a check-up-bet he hasn't had one in ages if at all. Good luck and stop faking it! (if anyone would like to enlighten me as to how that is actually done, I'm very curious to know! I know I can't fake mine!)

02-13-2005, 12:13 PM	#7 (permalink)
lazygirl Upright Location: northern cal	yes, I think it would bother me.

02-13-2005, 02:19 PM	#8 (permalink)
Elusive Dreamer Upright Location: chicago	oh my... this relationship isn't a relationship; doesn't that make you feel dirty beyond comprehension??? yes, my god, it would bother me... so much as that i wouldn't have sex with him anymore, i'd be too creeped out, mad at the fact that he's not thinking of me when getting an erection, etc. if you think that he's fucking you because it's his civic duty to your relationship... i advice leave now, or seriously talk about this. this is NOT healthy. why are you faking orgasms?? they don't help the situation... nor does it make you (or him) feel any better about what's going on. he's got to know your faking it and doesn't care... that's not right. you need to TALK to him, about everything that's bothering both you and him and what's going to happen to what's left of your relationship... because outside of this, it's just a friendship. right? TALK TO HIM, stop having pity-sex... i'm sure it doesn't feel good!

02-13-2005, 02:44 PM	#9 (permalink)
uptown Insane	I'm faking because I now have performance anxiety "is he going to come ?" or is he going to even get an erection.Nothing feels worse than to have had what you felt was a glorious sex session only to realise that once again,no orgasm for him. I've tried talking about it with him but everytime I try he says getting him to think about it will just make it worse,to the point that he won't want to touch me.He has said he's never had these problems with other women. At this point I'm trying to not say anything,to act casual when he doesn't come/get an erection but it's really,really bothering me.

02-13-2005, 08:38 PM	#15 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	I was recently having a coversation with a friend from school about her sex life, she wasn't too happy because her situation was almost the same as yours. We were saying how sex makes a relationship stronger, if the sex is dead and there is no chemistry and passion between two people, their moments will be tense and stressful. I can only imagine what you're going through, I suggest you speak to him about it. If he is watching porn for a thrill while you are in the same house, then there is something wrong. There is nothing wrong with men watching porn when they are alone to satisfy their needs, but there is something terribly wrong with men watching porn when their women are in the same room/house with them. To most men, looking at his woman and making love to his woman is more realistic, and it gives them more pleasure. Please speak to him about it. You need to communicate with him about this and let him know that you notice his behaviors and you won't tolerate it. I wish you all the best.

02-16-2005, 06:03 PM	#16 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Having been there with my ex, believe me, if he won't talk about it -- get out! Your dignity is worth more than what he is doing to you. This is his problem! I could go on and on; but all the other women have said what I'd say and said it well. TAKE CARE OF YOU! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.