fallenangel

Ladies, i could really use your help here. Long story shortened very much, there's this guy i'm getting close with at one of my jobs, we get along great, although i'm not sure if i want a relationship with him, he's a blast to hang out with and i'm more comfortable with him than i've been with a guy in a long time. Anyway, things were getting close between us, intimately, however, he stopped, and i originally thought it was because of me. Found out, he was sexually abused when he was a very young child and now has problems with intimacy. I was very surprised (pleasantly) to learn this because it means he trusted me enough to tell me something this important.

I want to be there for him, as a friend first and foremost because he's a great guy, a genuinely nice person. Do you have any suggestions on how to best help deal with this? Should i try talking further about it, should i pretend like he never told me? I'm not sure, i want to tread lightly but still let him know that in trusting me, i'll do what i can to help as well.

Sorry it's sorta vague, i'm not sure how to describe it really. Thanks for any thoughts you may have.

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all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

diddagirl

I would definitely start by letting him know you are there for him. Let him know that if he wants to talk about it- you will listen and be there for him. He may not be interested into giving details or discussing it with you (may be something more suited for a proffessional), but your support will for sure mean something to him. Unfortunalty there's nothing you can really say or do that will change his past and what happened to him. Just be with him every step of the healing process- and I also think it is a good idea to encourage him to seek help and try and work through this. Good luck

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"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

fallenangel

Thanks diddagirl, i appreciate hearing from someone! Will do

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all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

maleficent

diddagirl's advice is spot on --

A person with this kind of baggage is a lot to take on, he's probably had more than one person who's bailed out on him, so him trusting someone is going to take time and patience. Post Traumatic Stress disorders are very common and can manifest themselves in very different ways.

Be there for him, don't force him to talk about the abuse, but if it comes up, listen. It's great that he trusts you enough to tell you what happened initially, you might want to suggest professional help, or even online support groups - you might want to check out a few yourself, just to see what you might be getting yourself into.

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amonkie

There's nothing you can do to get inside his head and not scare him. But what you can do is let him know that you are there, like others have said, and to ask him to let you know if something is uncomfortable with him, even if it seems perfectly harmless to you. Keeping and earning more trust is the key.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

:::OshnSoul:::

how did you find out about this?
i could understand his fear. yes, be there for him. If you feel right about it, mention it. he could get pissed off that someone told you, he could withdraw even more. but at least he could see that you care and that you want to see him get past this, even though it's a difficult thing to get past.
If he doesn't get the encouragement and support of seeking help somehow, he may become very depressed and psychologically damaged for the rest of his life. The risk you can take is losing him as a friend- at least for a while, if not forever- if that is the key to have him see that he can do something about it. Ask yourself what you feel good about doing.....
Be the light- he'll see it.

sexymama

Defintely encourage professional help.

As for how to approach him, sometimes a nice card, putting it in writing, where he doesn't have to look at you when the words are "said", makes it easier. If you choose that route, gently take his hand when you give him the card and say something to the effect of: "I have some important things to say to you because I care so deeply -- I put them in writing hoping it would make it easier for you and me." Maybe offer to leave the room while he reads what you wrote, or give it to him right before you part, or even offer to sit with him while he reads. Just an idea. Btw, he is lucky to have you -- you obviously care deeply and are a good person.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

fallenangel

I found out because he told me... he told me basically because we were getting close physically, but he backed off and was very uncomfortable. I didn't push it obviously because if someone's uncomfortable then it isn't going to work at the time... He felt horrible because he thought he offended me without an explanation, so he asked me to meet up with him to talk. He then told me that this is the reason why, and he didn't mean to scare me off or whatever.

I still don't know him well enough to strongly suggest him seeking help at all. He's actually come a long way thus far, at least from my understanding. Therefor giving a card is a nice idea, but won't work in these circumstances. I'm just not going to push, because if and when he wants to talk, he will.

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all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

qtpye4u84

You should let him know that it happens to a lot of ppl and that he doesnt make you feel like he is different in any way.

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The QTpie