Would you settle?

[Anomaly77]

Twenty-first century or not, society still puts a lot of pressure on women to marry and raise a family. As a married yet, childless woman, I quite often have others "reminding me" that this is my role.

My husband and I do not want children. In fact, I never really thought I'd ever marry, (mainly because I knew I didn't want the 2.5 kids and the white-picket fence). So, I never felt any pressure to assume this "role". But, I do know women who have a timeline planned in their heads; (married by age 25, first kid by age 27, and so on...)

And so, what I am wondering is, for the women who do desire this or who have a timeline planned out; at what point do you/did you succumb to the pressure? Would you/did you sacrifice some of your standards in order to marry and have children? And for those that did, any regrets?

[sexymama]

I'm embarassed to admit, my first marriage was for the sake of having a family. My plans were to have my masters degree and a husband by the time I was 30 and to have a second child by the time I was 32. I didn't marry until I was 30 -- but I made the rest of the goals. Although the marriage was a total flop, I adore my children and would not undo having them just to avoid the failed marriage.

However, at 42, I'm marrying Lebell for true love. I would never suggest "settling" to anyone. The stress is awful!

[lisa]

Originally posted by Anomaly77
Twenty-first century or not, society still puts a lot of pressure on women to marry and raise a family. As a married yet, childless woman, I quite often have others "reminding me" that this is my role.
...
And so, what I am wondering is, for the women who do desire this or who have a timeline planned out; at what point do you/did you succumb to the pressure? Would you/did you sacrifice some of your standards in order to marry and have children? And for those that did, any regrets?

Hi Anomaly77,
You are right off course, women still are considered to have the "duty" to get married, clean the house, do the dishes and raise some children... A good friend of mine isn't sure at the moment what she wants to do with her life --amongst the main issues is the question if she wants children or not-- and a lot of the people surrounding her don't really understand this (including her own mother)

I myself do want children i guess, one day. I would also like to get married, or at least find a man (found him already actually) with whom i want to live the rest of my life with.

But, I wouldn't sacrifice anything for this... I think that if you do this, if you give up things that you really want for yourself -like a career or whatever- to give in to having children, just because this is expected of you; this will "rebounce" upon you later, not in a good way.

I just think that a lot of women, at a certain age, really want children, and give up what they found more important earlier, because for them -at that time- they want children more, then their previous ambitions...
This isn't just because they want to match the society-expectations, this is because their so-called biological clock is ticking and the ticking gets louder and louder,
i think that most women really want to have children, because the want it; this is logical, it is genetically defined, and off course, with reason...

[SiN]

I feel no pressure, I will not 'settle', I plan to put it off for as long as I can (as in, late 30's or so) ... but I def. want a child.
I feel like this is exactly what/how I'm supposed to do it, and I've known this for many years.

[brianna]

As a feminist I'm embarassed to admit any of this but I definitely feel a certain amount of pressure -- though I'm hesitant to say that it's outside pressure, a lot of it come from my own insecurities and from the simple fact that I do want to have a child and biology isn't as kind as it could be with its time line. At 26 I've just started feeling like "oh shit, i have to get it together and fall in love!" I certainly don't wish to settle and I hope i hold out because obviously I want to marry someone I love not someone who is good enough. I'm torn between enjoying life and going on a "quest" for love -- right now I'm dating a guy who is nice enough and fun but I'm not going to fall in love with him and part of me feels like I don't have time to fuck around like this. I have a close friend who does not feel this kind of pressure at all and I think it's mostly because she has no desire to have children -- that gives you a bit more time biologically and I almost wish i felt that way myself.

[fallenangel]

although it's definately going to be harder to withstand any 'pressures' you may feel because of what you think or what other people may have 'dropped hints at', if you settle then there's a solid chance you willl always have a slight bit of resentment (not sure if i mean that word exactly), but some doubt almost in the back of your mind... the 'what-ifs' are terrible... keep reaching for what you want, it gives drive in life

[lurkette]

I don't fit into the targeted group (women with a timeline) but I really hope that someone wouldn't settle for a mate who wasn't right just for the sake of sticking to "The Plan." Granted, the bio clock goes tick-tock-tick-tock, but you can always do the artificial insemination thing right nownownow, or if you can wait for the right partner, you can adopt, go the fertility treatment route, whatever. Or you could just accept that plans change and find a fulfilling life that doesn't involve marriage and kids. I can't think of anything sadder - for everyone involved - than being married to someone you don't really love, just for the sake of sticking to some plan that seems like the only thing that'll make you happy. Strikes me as singularly unimaginative.

[Anomaly77]

I have a close friend who does not feel this kind of pressure at all and I think it's mostly because she has no desire to have children

Perhaps this is why I cannot understand this concept of settling. I never felt any pressure to get married by a certain age, because I have never wanted kids. That is why I asked the question, to try and understand a different perspective.

But, I pose another related question...

their so-called biological clock is ticking and the ticking gets louder and louder,

Is it a biological or psychological clock?
Is it really your body screaming, "hurry-up and have a kid", or is it more environmental, for example, seeing your friends or sisters having kids, going to the baby showers, etc.?

[Amaelisen]

I sort of feel the need to want to settle down (I am turning 19 this year) within the next ten years. Funny thing is, I don't want children. Many of my (slightly older) friends feel the same way; they want to settle down with a man, but at the same time they do not want to deal with having children. God knows we still have those annoying siblings to bother with... haha.

In my case, maybe it is just pressure to live up to what your family has done in the past. I think that the fact that my mother had me when she was 21 contributes to my desire to be married by 24. Oh, and my aunt was married by the time she was out of college. That was just a few years ago.

[ariekitten]

i will marry for true love and for no other reason. i don't consider marriage to be a requirement, but i hope to someday find that someone i can spend forever with. i mean, i don't so much want marriage, i just want to find that someone and spend the rest of my life with them. plus i really dont' care what age i get married at. i know plenty of people who have an SO they love very much, with no plans of marriage.
i do love children, but i know it will be a long while before i am ready for them, so i don't really have a planned age, though i try to avoid risks, which means prolly after age 45 or so, if i haven't had kids i will get my tubes tied.
but yeah i do think lots of women these days are pressured into the stereotype of what women "should be". i hate that.

[SparklingDot]

I want to get married. And I think that I have found the man that I will spend the rest of my life with (that is, my plan is to marry him at some point). But as far as timelines and clocks go, I think that is just silly. There is no reason to settle just for the sake of meeting a deadline. Ladies,if you marry, do it for love, friendship, and for real. Try not to let others bully you into something you don't really want.

[anti fishstick]

hmm. it seems like you're not applying me here because i'm not one of those women with a set timeline, nor do i desire the white picket fence/2.5 kids/minivan american dream. but i'm replying anyway because this is an interesting subject. :P

no.. i would not just "settle".
i have very high standards for myself with what i want and what i look for. at times, even turning down relationships i know would be meaningless or a fling. i am comfortable with being on my own, if need be. i would rather be by myself than in a relationship i wasn't happy in. if i were to marry, it would be for the right reasons... not just to give in to my "role" in society. it would be with the right guy. and it wouldn't be a loss of identity for myself at all.

[Litespeed]

Seen the other women in my family fall prey to the expectations of having a family and raising them. In the culture i'm from though the timeline is a bit different from on the one you mentioned. In Mormondom it typically looks more like: marry between age 17 and 18, have five kids by the age of 23 or feel like a loser of a woman.

My sister felt she was an old maid at age 21 and was somewhat relieved when she found out she was unexpectedly pregnant with twins because that would mean her boyfriend had an excuse to marry her.

pretty junky if you ask me.

my mom gave up a career in fashion design and merchandising to raise my brother and the rest of us as we came along. She lost a major part of herself and in my whole life has been nothing but a stress case and an empty shell of a human.

I want nothing to do with the patterns they have followed. I will not submit to the timelines of others. If I decide to have a family, If I decide to get married, it will be in a time frame that will be of my choosing. It will be to a kind man, not a jerk that I barely know. And it will be right.

Stupid, stupid culture. Stupid expectations.

[Redgirl]

I am asking myself these very same questions, Anamoly. I am 27 and married but no kids. My husband and I have been talking about it and it seems like we enjoy our life the way it is and don't want to screw anything up between us if we fundamentally change our world to accomadate a child. Of course all my friends who have children always say it's worth it, but my reply is always don't they HAVE to say that?? I mean, too late now, the brat is here! I think as you get older your priorites must shift and having a child sounds more like a good idea. So I am waiting until I feel that shift before I have one. But the pressure is there, not only from my parents but also from myself. I don't want to be bitter about it later when it's too late. Who takes care of you when you're old if you don't have children?
Sorry for rambling...

[ngdawg]

Who guarantees your child would take care of you? We have had many childless relatives that lived well into old age and everyone watched out for them and took care of things when needed. And they made their own plans for the inevitable to ease family burdens.
Don't give in to societal or familial pressures to have children. That should be your choice alone and no one else's business. (I am reminded of the comeback to 'so when are you going to start having babies?' The reply?"So when are you gonna get a life and stay out of mine?" )
I had my children(twins) very late in life;while it was a choice to have kids, it wasn't a choice of time, but it turned out to be the right time for us after 13 years or marriage. Trust your own judgement. Kids can't be returned once they get here and the commitment to them, while done with deep love, is intensely all-consuming.

[SabrinaFair]

On my list of things I want to do before I die, having a child (or adopting one), getting married, and falling madly in love are on that list...they're not listed together or in any particular order. I don't feel that I have to be married to have a child. I'll have a child when I'm ready to be a mother. I don't feel like I'm having a child out of societal expectations; I truly feel that I've made the decision to have a child because I love kids, I want to teach someone, and I feel like I will be a good mother. Being a single parent isn't easy, I know. But really, is life ever easy?

[*Nikki*]

I am approaching an age (30) where I feel like I am ready to be married. As far as children go, not at least for another five years. I am no where near as responsible as I need to be to take care of a child.

I do know what you are talking about though.....the pressures of society. All of my friends are getting married or have been married. I am one of the few unmarrieds left.

Sometimes I feel like I am on one side of the fence and they are on the other.

[Rubyee]

I don't feel as if I had to succumb to pressure to come to my decision of wanting children. It is much simpler than that. I love kids. I love babies, and toddlers, and children, and some teenagers, as well. I feel as if I have a lot that I can teach a child, and a lot that I can learn from a child.

Really, what society does or thinks does not have a big effect on me. Society has decided to do many things I don't want to do- they have idolized girls like Britney Spears and they have made it cool to act like the person next to you instead of like yourself. So my decision to want a baby and want to get married have nothing to do with what the rest of society thinks I want. In fact, if I could afford it, I would have a baby tomorrow.

I also don't think that the whole 2.5 kids and white picket fence thing has to apply to a married couple with children either. I know that I will not be like a normal parent- I am probably going to be more of a friend to my kids than anything. In my future, I see myself fighting over the Nintendo with my kids, and my dream house- even with a family- would be a big giant art deco studio apartment in the downtown old market area.

I can see why you think that society pressures women to feel this way, but in a lot of cases, it does not. It all depends on what perspective you look at it from, and how clean your glasses are.