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10-21-2003, 10:06 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Upright
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Need different advice.. (relationship)
Ok, I had told you guys earlier of me and my bf of 4 years....
I know I shouldn've thought about a 3some if we were having problems, but now things are getting difficult, things are being said, and everything has been my "fault" Ok, the problem is that, we've had disagreements on how our space should be compromised... as in "his space" and the time we spend together... He's had friends in the past that he hung out with, but a majority of our 4 years together has been him and me.. So I would say the last 3 months he's been hanging out with a friend from work, they play video games together and watch wrestling... and this friend introduced him to his friends, and yes one is that girl that I mentioned in my previous (3some post)... they would go bowling, and just watch movies... It's such a long story, and so many details fall in to place... I just need advice on how to be okay with him going out as much as he does, I really don't think it's something we should break up about.... especially after 4 years...,but it has been mentioned, and thought about from the both of us, but we haven't said those words yet.. I'm sure he's been close.... We always come back to each other and say "I don't want to break up, and I can't live without you" all that stuff... I like to have my own space too, and I do I have friends I hang out with... I just want it to be fair to me too... I guess I'm jealous.. Is he just going thru a "phase" Any advice???? |
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10-21-2003, 10:19 AM
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#2 (permalink) |
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My future is coming on
Moderator Emeritus
Location: east of the sun and west of the moon
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Are you jealous because he's spending less time with you as a result of his new friends, or because he's spending ANY time away from you? Are you afraid that he'll forget you? That if he finds fun elsewhere he won't want you?
It sounds like there are a lot of things going on here, but without some more details I don't want to say much. How much time is he spending away from you? What bothers you most - who he's with, or that he wants time away from you at all? From experience, I can tell you that the best relationship advice I can give you is to work on being happy yourself, with or without him. If you're not certain of the relationship, then you either need to 1. leave it, if there's good reason, or 2. give up whatever unfounded doubts about it/him/you that you're clinging to that have you be so guarded. It sounds like you're maybe a bit afraid that the relationship can't withstand time apart. If you keep clinging and demanding his attention 24/7, you may strangle the relationship anyhow! It's a bit of a catch-22, and the only answer is for you to just...let go. Let him be who he is, and recognize that you are not the relationship. Edit: PS - after hearing this, I would definitely advise against a threesome right now.
__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France |
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10-21-2003, 10:39 AM
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#3 (permalink) |
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Upright
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I guess it's some of who he's with, and I'm afraid he will forget me...
I know that everything that has happened is because of me, even though it wasn't intentional... I felt as though I was missing out, and they was finding out all about him.. of what I already know... I come too close to losing him b/c of my guardness... But he told me this morning, that he can understand why I did it; and we're starting over, clean slate... And I think I'm afraid if I do back off and let him go be himself, that he will ultimately forget about us... thanks for any advice.... |
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10-21-2003, 08:53 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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Loser
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
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Sounds like a mess. I do not envy you.
I do recommend giving him space, finding activities to fill your time with to get your mind off him while he's away. Make your life exciting so you have things to share with each other when you touch base every day. Unfortunately I can't be too terribly optimistic about you two at the moment. Keep an eye out. Discuss these issues freely, even if it means a spat every now and again. Don't give him the option of walking away from the relationship, he already knows you expect it to end soon. Just do your best to show him you love him. Good luck! |
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10-21-2003, 10:38 PM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash
Location: oregon
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now is a little me time. not a break from the relationship necessarily or a break up. but work on keeping yourself grounded and staying true to who you are. don't lose that. it's hard to have your world comprised of you and him suddenly change because he has new friends. but do you want to cling to him and shift your life with "his life"? i don't think thats the way to go about it either. also, you mentioned how everything was your "fault".. how so? is he blaming you on recent events? pointing fingers never helps resolve things either. it seems like you two are willing to work it out and stay together but for now, all i can say is give it time.. and space :T good luck.
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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin |
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10-22-2003, 08:18 AM
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#6 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: Room Nineteen
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OK, so maybe he does need some space, but in my opinion it's not good for him to be having a life without you. At least if it's secret. Is he being secretive in your opinion? I think that maybe you should go out with him and his friends a few times. That way you will be a little bit more comfortable and then you guys can bond by talking about what fun he had that night. It helps if you know all of his friends and what they are like if you are going to talk about them. Then you wouldn't really be missing out on him, if he recaps the night's events to you. It's hard for me to articulate what I want to say. I hope you understood...
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10-22-2003, 10:30 AM
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#7 (permalink) |
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I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
Location: Upper Michigan
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I have another question or two.
How possible is it for you to join him with his friends now and then? Not every night or every time they go out because that would be smothering to him if that's not what he wants. If he won't include you at all that would raise a red flag for me. Also How long and how late is he out with these friends? Is he out to all hours of the night? He will need to be responsible to you some because of your close relationship. Do you live together? and Does he tell you where he's going or when you can expect him home? That is a simple common courtesy - I'm not saying to drill him about every detail just to say that - should an emergency happen or he gets hurt even then you can know something is wrong or needed when he doesn't return 3 hours after his intended time. Last but not least - What is he doing with these friends? Bowling? playing cards? or Drinking and partying? Does he come home innebriated or high on something? That is a warning sign that he's got some issues that need working out. I agree with those above who suggest taking time to make sure you have friends and your own little support group to get through WHATEVER comes of this relationship. Take time to make sure you are in good health and cultivate your own happiness. Then whatever happens won't hurt you as much and if you can work things out you both will be happier. Hubby and I are happiest when we both have a little bit of freedom and outlets of our own besides things we do together. It's a delicate balance but it can be achieved with cooperation and communication. Wish the best. Hugs
__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma. 
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10-22-2003, 12:08 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Upright
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In response:
I have hung out with them a couple of times, I have went bowling, and watched wrestling... I told him if he wanted me to go along to tell me; otherwise I'm not going to intrude... Majority of his time hanging out is playing video games, and not all of his friends are there, it may only be him and another guy... I'm not into wrestling and playing PS2 or XBOX that much, so I don't care to watch them play... So I can understand ... They usually go bowling, unless something comes up, or someone has to work early the next day, so they just hangout and watch movies... My boyfriend doesn't drink, and neither does his friends... they're not out at clubs, or strip clubs either(so I'm thankful about that) We do live together, we've been living together for almost 2-3 years... He tells me what's he's doing or if something changes he calls me and lets me know, sometimes he doesn't know when he'll be home.. during the week he's home around 11; on the weekend it's later depends on his work schedule... he has a cell phone, and he tells to me to call if I need anything... He seems okay with everything now, and he acts like he wants it to work, so I guess we'll see... |
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10-23-2003, 10:07 AM
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#9 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: Somewhere just beyond the realm of sanity...
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Heh, I just needed to login in a school computer so i just hit the first fourm, and first post i saw so that i could go back into the memebers area, but your post did strike me as intresting, and i believe even though i'm not a girl i can share some insight with you.
1. He won't forget about you. 4 years is a long time however, and new things might be what he wants who knows. 2. What you can do and what i say is alwasys the best course of action in a relationship is to be good to your S.O. I know that seems kind of ovibous, but a lot of people get really selfish sometimes, and can really make both parties feel down. If you do your best, and he still doesn't opt to spend his time with you, and not his new friends than thats his loss not yours. 3. To add onto number two you should communicate with him, that it feels like there is some distance in the relationship. Not a lot more, just enought to get him to realize that you might be unhappy with the ammount of time/attention he's paying to you. 4. You must remeber you are not his whole life he does on occasion need to go out experience do things on his own. 5. Go find something that makes you happy take up a hobby. Rock climbing, join a team sport like softball or something, Something relaxing or fun. Who knows maybe he'll be really excited about it too, and join you in your escapades. 6. Oh btw don't have a threesome thats never a good idea in a serious relationship, i don't care how much you think you two are diffrent, you two can handel anything its still a shitty idea. 7. Recap: He still loves you! remeber that Be good to him, be polite, and make some selflish acts in his favor every so often hopefully he'll return the favor, but you can only control yourself and thats the best you can do. P.S. Don't worship him guys don't like that. Make sure your communication skills arn't blown. Don't do the typical girl thing where you bring up random shit that doesn't matter, just talk to him about something that he'd want to talk about, and then bring it into your feelings. Give him the space. Get your own hobbie something that makes you happy whatever that is. ( If its baking don't eat everything ) Oh and dress sexy for him once in a while too if you don't already. Thong, and some sheer white pants or something. NO THREESOME! Remeber you only have control over yourself, you can want to change people, but you can't you can want to control people, but you can't. One thing about relationships that makes them so great is you never do know exactly what the other person is going to do / think / feel. Its really fun because it gives you insight into another persons world. P.S Do your really want to be with this man? Evaluate that for yourself. 4 years is a long time, and you might be blinded by your comfortablity make sure you know what you want out of life then evaluate if he's a part of it.
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Proud memeber of the Insomniac Club. |
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