jen71au

I need some mother advice, hopefully this is the right place to put this. Sorry if it isn't.

I am a mother of 3 two sons and a daughter. My daughter is nine, the boys are twelve and fifteen.

The problem I have is with the daughter.

She doesn't like to listen, she thinks she knows it all, and hates being given direction. This doesn't only come out at home, it comes out at school and also at her sport (basketball). She rebels whenever anyone tries to teach her something. Shetakes it as a personal attack.

Now I have tried explaining nicely, these people are trying to help her, not humiliate her.

I have tried getting angry at her when she back chats.

I have tried rewarding her when she takes the advice on board.

I have tried taking her out of her sport, to ease the situation.

I can't seem to get through to her. It continues on. What I am worried about is people giving up on her. I mean hell, I nearly have.

I just want to help her learn, and be an acceptable person in society. If you can't accept direction, you will never get anywhere in life.

maleficent

I am not a mother, but you've pretty much described me my entire life...

my mother constantly tells a story of how she took me to the pediatrician when I was about 6 months old, and he said to her -you'll have your hands full with this one, you will lead her to water but never make her drink - I was stubborn at 6 months and wanted to do things in my own way... that hasn't changed 43 years later... I listen a little better now.

You might want to ask a third party, family friend, school counselor, private counselor, to act as intermediary and ask her why she's behaving the way she is in certain situations... I know damn well at 9 I wouldn't have told m y parents - not that htey weren't trustworthy but they would have told me what I was feeling was wrong -and I might have wanted some validation for my feelings, but if anyone else was interested in knowing why... I might have said something...

Ihave a soft spot for rebellious kids... having been one... and you don't have to be non-rebellious to get somewhere in life - you don't have to be a robotic stepford child... some of the most successful people in the world I'd be willing to bet a lot were rebellious types as kids... and found their own way...

What she does need to work on is the not seeing any criticism as a personal attack - that to me is the problem and the solution there is the why is she feeling like she is...

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jewels

Girls mature early these days, and rebellion is a natural part of this. Hormones, ya know? Keep doing what you're doing. Eventually, she will outgrow the "world revolves around me" syndrome and the things you've repeated to her will sink in.

Be patient and tolerant, tough and loving. Most of all, be consistent.

This, too, shall pass.

snowy

Consistency is key. Parents are horribly inconsistent.

This is why, as a childcare worker, I subscribe to the KISS philosophy: Keep It Simple, Stupid. If you keep the rules simple and basic, they are easier to follow, for both parties.

I constantly review the rules with the kids I care for, at least once a month, so I know that they're clear on what my expectations of them are, and what their expectations of me are. '

It sounds like your daughter is breaking two of my key rules--be polite and be respectful. Being respectful means listening to your elders and doing what you are told. I see not listening as a safety issue, and I emphasize this to my kids regularly--how can I guarantee their safety outside of the house if they don't listen to me in the house, because they're showing me they won't listen when we're in situations with potential dangers. They know, very clearly, that if a caretaker (we define this person as parent, teacher, childcare worker) tells them to do something, they should do it, because generally that person is looking out for their safety.

You need to outline your expectations of her and the consequences if she fails to meet those expectations. You are not her friend--you are her parent, and you need to step up into that role. Sometimes that means being mean. I get that from my kids once in a while, but I know my job is to keep them safe, appropriate, polite, and respectful, and in order to do that, sometimes I have to punish them. They know if they do not share with one another, they will lose the toy they are fighting over. They know if they break a rule or defy me, they will end up in time out. They know if they use a toy to hurt anyone, they will lose it. While your daughter is older, there still need to be clear consequences. Her not listening IS a safety issue, and you should make it obvious to her that not listening has consequences, such as not being allowed to leave the house to participate in social activities, because if she doesn't listen, you can't guarantee her safety.

Clear rules, clear consequences, and consistency--and above all else, KISS.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ngdawg

Snowy is spot on. Be consistent in both your expectations and her consequences.
I have the feeling she didn't have to face the consequences of her decisions very early on-toddler years at least-so that now she doesn't feel there will be repercussions now.

Another factor is her place in the family, the youngest and the only girl. There's a lot of competition, a lot of wanting to be heard-acting up is a way to do it.

You say you 'tried to take her out of her sport', which makes me assume you let her go back. That's not consistent at all. Take her out, keep her out until she realizes that her actions produce reactions. Same with all those other 'trieds'-you didn't follow through, letting her know it doesn't matter what she does, Mom will wimp out and give in. Ask yourself if that's what you want to be seen as-someone who can be manipulated by a child.

*Nikki*

Hmm your daughter sounds a lot like me

You know, it might be a phase, or it might be her personality. Only time will tell.

silvrdark

Owl probably has the right idea. I have two girls, 10 and 7. My 10 year old does tend to be rebellious sometimes, and certainly tends to take instruction personally. The key to making progress with her has been setting up a system of consequences and rewards.

When she does well in school, and takes instruction, she gets rewarded. When she rebels, or gets angry at being corrected, there are consequences... no tv, no computer.. whatever seems appropriate to the situation.... and I always stick to what I say I am going to do!! It is so easy to feel guilty when they cry, isn't it? Giving in is not doing your child a favor, no matter how bad it might feel to see them unhappy.
Conversely, when she takes instruction, and acts responsibly, she gets rewarded somehow.. certainly with positive praise, maybe with a trip to the movies or a few dollars.

I know it can be tough. I have been through times with her where it seems like I am only chastising her, and she is always upset and angry. Sticking to your guns will pay off in the end, though. It is the only way she will learn some of the most important fundamentals of life.

jen71au

Thank you all for the advice, I will take it on board.

I have always been consistant with the kids, when I said I had tried taking her out of sport, I pulled her out of that game. Then she lost training for the week, and one full game. She knows if it continues she will lose it all together, and I do follow through with threats I make, which is why I find it so disheartening that she doesn't listen. Now i have laid the punnishment on the table, she knows it will happen if she doesn't pull her head in. It is almost like she 'just doesn't get it' no matter how many times she loses out. I thought maybe she really doesn't like the sport, but it isn't that.

Maybe you are right about the hormones, maybe perserverence is the only way. Hell it is draining, and hard to be a mother to three when one takes up so much of your mental energy.

Okay, so I was looking for an easy out, when we all know with parenting there is no easy out.

Cheers

snowy

It's a hard gig, and I'm exceptionally thankful that at the end of the day I get to hand the kids back.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

silvrdark

I admire your persistence. I know it must seem rough. Sometimes kids just don't "get it" as you say, until years later. The punishments, though, will give her immediate consequences to bad behavior, and hopefully discourage it, even if she doesn't understand the reasoning for years to come. Keep at it!

surferlove007

Man....sounds like the way I was with my mom not 10 years ago. Unfortunately my mom still hasn't gotten the idea in her head that I'm almost 20 years old and an adult. I'm still 6 to her, oh wait sorry 9. She'll figure it out and grow up. She's just going to do most things the hard way it seems if she's so hard headed.

Jenna

I went through that phase around that age as well. I started hanging out with the wrong people, so and and so forth. Plus, anything that my mom wanted me to do, I immediately decided was worthless.

I believe it was caused from a few things, my lack of self-esteem, and the fact that my mom wasn't a very direction oriented person.

I don't really have any advice, as I'm still young. But, I just know that was my problem...