taboo

Yesterday afternoon, I went over to my bf's house, to have one of those talks--a civilized, long talk about our compatibility, future, differences ect. Everything was going welll, everything was under control until I suggested that we take a break for a few weeks so that I can clear my head and figure out where this relationship is going. I've been thinking about this for weeks, spoken to him about it, and I figured the only way I can help myself and consequently my relationship, is to take a step back and think logically and clearly about it.

Now I didn't go over there with the intention of breaking up. I have many questions and doubts, and through continuous conversations, I haven't been able to really understand where my relationship with my bf is going.

So last night, after hours of talking things out, I suggest that we take some time apart--and he freaked out on me. I mean really freak out. He immediately poured himself a glass of whisky, lit a cigarette, and started acting extremely frustrated--which I understand..We've been together for almost a year, and we're very very close.I love him very very much, I would do anything for this guy--it's just that I feel that maybe we're not suited for eachother for different reasons.

Now I tried to keep things as cool as possible and make him understand and know that I love him and that honestly I need some space for the GOOD of the relationship, and he takes me by the hand to show me something, to prove to me how much he loves me. I thought he was going to read me a poem he had written about us in teh past that he never showed me..But instead he went to teh kitchen and pulled out a huge knife and pointed it to his chest, and told me that what I told him was like killing him, and he was telling me to go ahead and "do it" I FREAKED OUT. I've never been so shocked in my life. I assured him as calmly as I could that I love him and that I would never do anything like that and that he should never either. I slowly took the knife from him and placed it on the counter behind me.

He was telling me all night that he can;t bear the thought of continuing his life without me and he kept making references that he's going to "end it", "end his pain", that maybe we'll meet again in teh afterlife and things like that. I was really freaking out. I would have never expected him to react like this. I know he can sometimes be extreme but never like this.

To make a really slong story short, I ended up leaving from his apartment once he calmed down a bit, and got a little sleepy (I mind you was sick to my stomach), and he asked me again if we were really taking a break, and I told him no. Because if I said we were, he might have gone back to the kitchen and done something...or the balcony, or I don;t know anymore..

I'm really really depressed about this, and I don;t know what to do to calm him, and help him. It kills me to see him suffer like this, and I don;t know how long I can take it. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?? How do you deal with something like this??? All I need is some time to think things out objectively with a clear frame of mind. And I love him so much, that I can;t bear to sadden him like this.. He's been through a lot in his life and he feels that everything is always turning against him. Help please guys..I'm thinking of calling a help suicide line or something to get some advice..

I know I will not stay in a relationship just out of feeling bad for them, but I have to say this incident has really scared me...

pornclerk

I'm sorry that you had to go through something like that. It really puts you in an uneasy situation.
Sometimes when people threaten suicide when breaking up, they are using it to try and manipulate the other person. They can't bear to live without them so they act out in desperation. Low self-esteem can also contribute to this.
I think though that if he really wanted to commit suicide he wouldn't have told you. Most people who do it won't say anything, and the people who tell someone they are suicidal are crying out for help.
I must honestly say though that I would recommend not going on with this relationship. He obviously has some trouble controlling his emotions and needs some professional help. He should respect your decision to take a break from the relationship and not do something selfish like that.

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noodle

I recommend getting some help/input from someone you trust or a professional. Immediately. Suicidal gestures, statements, etc, are nothing to mess around with. You cannot control what he does, no matter how you try. The only thing you can do is to call someone if he tries to hurt himself. People who are desperate, especially during a breakup (or perceived one) tend to do and say things that they normally wouldn't, in my opinion. By letting him know, "This is what I'm choosing to do, it doesn't mean that I love you any less, but if I don't take care of myself, I'm no good to anything else," that you understand he will do whatever he feels is appropriate, and that you will respond with what it takes to keep him safe, you're establishing boundaries. I hate being the one to say, "If you continue this behavior, I'm leaving and I will call someone to keep you from hurting yourself." But I've done it twice with people I cared about. Once with good results (he got a wake-up call and didn't do anything, but sought out counseling when he saw I was truly concerned) and once with not-so-good (fury and "You bitch, I'm never speaking to you again, how could you threaten me like that?!"). Either way, they were both safe and I got what I needed... space to make my decisions and to breathe.
Please make sure that you're talking to someone who you can turn to in a time of crisis. A trusted friend or family member that is not going to put on the superhero outfit and try to save the day, but someone that will listen and that you can call when you leave his vicinity when he's acting like you described. We all need support.

Self-harming behaviors... from drinking to cutting to punching walls and making statements... are very serious. You are not the person to decide if he is serious or not. It's natural to be fearful when you care about someone, but there is a line between caring and protecting. Please, please get some help to empower you to do whatever you think is right. I'm a reformed mental health therapist and I've had more kids than I care to think about Baker Acted for serious suicidal thoughts or actions. But not one of them actually succeeded in killing themselves during or after I made the calls and as far as I know, they got the help they needed... more than even I could provide at the time.

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taboo

thanks so muchg for even just reading my post and writing your thoughts..i appreciate this so much...

JustJess

I have nothing to really add to the Very Good advice above.... just re-emphasizing that yes, please listen to the girls, especially fredweena, as she's got some good real-life reasons to back it up. THIS IS NOT REALLY ABOUT YOU. It's about him. Let it be, and get the space to have your life be about you again.
Keep us updated if you can.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

abaya

Yep, great advice above. As Jess said, this is not about you, nor should you enable him to continue this self-destructive behavior at your own expense. Walk away from him very carefully... I know you love him, but this is bigger than that. If he doesn't get himself taken care of, it won't matter how much you love him... nothing could heal what's happened to him.

I say this not from the experience of a boyfriend being suicidal, but from my mother saying very similar things to me throughout my life. From a very young age, I remember her pretending she was going to kill herself, just to see what I would say or do... she did this over and over again until I learned it was just manipulation. Over time my heart became pretty dead towards my mother... it was either that, or give in to her emotional manipulation. And I couldn't do that, no matter how much I cared about her.

It's a similar situation to yours; very emotionally messed-up people are, unfortunately, not our jobs to take care of. It comes down to personal responsibility... what they are willing to do for themselves. You can never truly help anyone unless they realize what the fuck is wrong with them first, and even then it still comes down to their own effort to heal.

Care for yourself first and foremost. Leave him to himself, or call a professional on his behalf... but get yourself out of his harm's way.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Sweetpea

I could not have said it better myself.

you take care of you, You should be your priority in life. I'm sorry you're going through all of this

sweetpea

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Lady Sage

Honey, this is only my opinion, but he doesnt sound all that stable. You should (in my humble opinion) get the heck outta dodge girlfriend. You dont need this!!! If he does do something rash I absolutely FORBID you to feel any form of guilt!
I am however glad that you found this side of him BEFORE you ended up marrying him or something of that sort.

It wouldnt hurt for you to talk to someone about this either. Not counseling per-se but you need to talk to someone.

Best of luck to you, sincerely.

Impetuous1

Taboo, I understand your situation. I am currently in a relationship with someone very much like that. Who also made the same threat at one time. But in my situation, I was going to break up with him. The truth is I've never had the courage to get him the help he needs. I did once succeed in getting him to a therapist but the therapist was not very good and didn't really listen to him. The therapy has kind of fallen by the wayside, unfortunately. Since then, most of the time, things are good. But I never really know when he's going to have a mood swing. Sometimes I dread coming home. He also throws around wild accusations on occasion and has a pretty violen temper where he throws things. Anyways, that's besides the point.

The point is, as the previous ladies mentioned, you can't fix him. He has to fix himself. I've been in my relationship with this man for five years. I can honestly say, as much as I love him, it wasn't worth the trouble. I wouldn't go through most of the hard times we went through ever again. I find, as I get older, that my patience is wearing very thin and that I am no longer willing to take a lot of the crap he throws at me. Now I call him out on it every time. I'm not sure how much longer we'll last. But I do love him a great deal. Probably alway will. But like that song says, sometimes love just ain't enough.

taboo

honestly thanks again for all your replies and insight.
I understand that I should put myself first. I agree with that.
I'm just trying to be gentle with his feelings and my own consequently.
Today seems to be a bit better. I told him that I'm always open for conversation and I assured him that I'm doing this for the better of our relationship. He actually spoke to a cousin of his today and got some sound advice. When we spoke earlier, he told me he understood the space I need and that he will give it to me. However he just needs the adjustment to go smoothly and gradually.So I"m going to go this route for now, and hope that it will end up giving me the space that I need. I'm just very very very glad that he went and spoke to his cousin--it really calmed him and brought him back to earth a bit..

absence_of_color

I was married for over eight years to a man of that nature, and after droning over and over about what I could do to help, I realized there was nothing. I think being honest about your feelings was right. Its a dangerous territory you walk upon. Loving someone doesnt mean you have to be responsible for how they feel. You can only do the best in your heart, but after that, he has to get a different perspective on his own.
I eventually left my husband, and even after four years, I know there was nothing I could have ever done.
Good luck with your situation, I wish you the best.

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genuinegirly

Is there any way you can speak with those that love him and express your concern? Any contact with his close family or friends. Explain what has happened to a few select individuals that you know will be an unyeilding support for this man. Do what you can to set him up with a support group.

Then walk away completely.

You need to stay away from this man. And here's why:

I dated someone who was a tamer version of this. We were together for three months, then I decided we weren't right for one another. Told him we needed to see other people. He was terribly depressed/alcoholic/suicidal for over 6 months. I tried to let him know that I cared about him and that I cared about his health and well-being. That I loved him as a person, but that we just weren't going to work out. I went on to date someone else. He saw this as competition and in order to "prove" that he was somehow more "manly" than the other guy, he eventually decided to RAPE me.

This guy is unstable. You can't know what he will do next. Even though he loves you, and you love him, you need to run. Since you love him, be sure there are folks to support him.

Take off. From a girl who has been there.

-GG

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ngdawg

The threat is a control thing as these others will attest to. As long as he thinks you will stay so he doesn't do any harm to himself, he has you. Many have gone through it one way or another. The man may threaten suicide or harm to the woman or her family-anything to keep her there. ( he did that 'DO IT' knowing full well you wouldn't)
I concur-RUN! Hopefully the most he'll do is a drama bit that lands him in the ER. Either way, it is not your burden to shoulder. If you love him, offer to get him help to work through it. You don't say how long you've been together or what his history is with other girlfriends. It'd be interesting for you to find out. Please don't feel sorry for him and do something you feel would only be to keep him from doing harm. Don't give him that kind of control.

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taboo

genuinegirly, that's quite a story..I'm happy you got out of it!!
So far, the break has been good (at least for me). I know he's suffering through it, but there's nothing else I can do.. I've rediscovered my friends again, had the time to relax my mind..he still calls here and there--we agreed to take a break "gradually". I just hope it all turns out ok in the end..

Sweetpea

I'm really proud of you for putting your needs first I hope things continue to go well.

sweetpea

Wow GG. I'm glad you made it through that thank you for sharing

sweetpea

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genuinegirly

Absence_of_color & Impetuous1 seem to have been through a considerable amount more than I have... I can't imagine dealing with such controlling melodrama for 8 years, or not knowing when you would come home to someone throwing things at you. I'm just glad that I got out as early as I did.

Taboo - you're making some productive steps here that will most likely allow for the greatest amount of emotional stability in the long-run. Good luck with it, and keep us updated! We're all cheering for you.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

cmc

....................

Sultana

Totally not to be disrespectful to your way of thinking cmc, but I think that it's pretty ambiguous and passive. I mean, Yes, some things we gotta let go, but we also have to use the intellect and self-determination that a higher being gave us to do what needs to be done, instead of relying on something or someone else to do it for us, while we passively sit and hope for better things.

I do understand that, say for item #1, part of "heal MY thinking..." can entail the higher power giving me the emotional strength to get up off my butt and do for myself what I can, and stop trying to control the things I can't, but overall it seems pretty passive, which goes against my grain.

I guess, like the bible itself, interpretation is *everything*.

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ShaniFaye

people who threaten things like this are selfish beyond belief. In my reading over my many years...most people that are truly serious about it..dont tell, they just do it.

It may sound harsh but if someone threatened that to me just to keep me around it would be the fastest way to get me out the door...its emotional abuse and manipulaton at a high level and I dont subscribe to it.

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genuinegirly

ShanniFaye - you hit the nail on the head.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy