Nienna

hello ladies....

ive read a few threads, and i see all of you are very insightful, therefore i would like your insight on this situation.....hearing things from friends and family is one thing, and strangers is another. so my ladies, any input/advice i can get it more then appreciated. thanks in advance....so here goes....forgive me if its tooo long

ive been with my bf for 11 months (it will be a year april 1st). we live about 20-30 min apart from each other and see each other on the weekends bc he works a ft and pt job, i work ft and go to school ft. this past week my mother went away on a conference for her job (i live with her) and so he decided to stay with me while she was gone. well, what can i say, the week was more then lovely. it reasured me of our feelings for each other and i realised how much i care about him.

so, my mother came back on friday, and so i didnt spend time with him that night. as imon my way home from the airport, he calls me to say good night bc he was going to his neighbors house to play X-Box. i thought it was sweet of him to do that and we agreed that he was going to come over first thing saturday. that same night i actually stumbled upon tfp and was chatting with my life-long girlfriend around 2.30am on how i was worried he might cheat on me. im not the prettiest girl, but ive got personality. she said not to be silly that i know we both love each other, and i have nothing to worry about. it was strange however that after being with him for sometime that this thing came over me all of a sudden and had me to tears. she calmed me down and i fianlly went to bed around 3am.

the next day he came over, we went out to eat, and on our way to his house he gets a phone call. he acted a bit strange and rushed the "person" off the phone. mind you, i heard it was a girl. when i asked him who it was, he said it was his cousin, Dave. LIE. i told him, thats funny, i thought i heard a girls voice. he started laughing and asked me "how do you know" i told him "im not stupid, i know it was a girl" he told me it was Candice. his EX. i said ok what did she want? (mind you they had spoken earlier that week, and she was telling him "oh i miss you, letting you go was my biggest mistake....blah blah" BULLSHIT. ) he said he didnt know. then i confronted him and asked him why did you lie?? he said he thought it was akward and didnt want to make me feel bad by getting into an entire conversation with her. i told him i still dont understand what reasons she has to be calling you. he told me "you have nothing to worry about. i will never get back with her. your too special to me and i wont jepordize loosing you." ok...fine. but still he lied. and i know his EX has called before, but for some reason this time that she called my gut just couldnt leave me alone and it was bothering me something fierce.

we get back to his house, we lay down to watch some TV and we start fooling around. he takes his pants off and wat do i see?? he is freshly shaven down there. (#1 im on the rag, #2 the WHOLE week u were with me u didnt shave, and the one night we are NOT together, u are freshly shaven....) WHAT?! NO NO NO NO NO!!!! RED FLAG!!! CODE RED!!!! something is UP!!!!! what the fuck!? my gut was telling me something was wrong!!! i knew it....so i started crying, and gave the excuse that it was my cramps. so i went to the bathroom. i came out and he was on the comp and so i asked to see his newly installed wall papers on the phone. in reality i checked his calls. when he called me friday night, it was 10.21pm. i saw that he has a call from his EX at 10.13 pm. i looked further and she had called him back to back at 8.53pm and 9.02pm. my gut told me there was something SERIOUSLY WRONG. we went back to watch TV and i asked him....."did you see her last night?" he started laughing. "you did didn't you?" again laughing he said "baby stop being silly" i told him "tell me, did u see her?" he said "yes. but just for a little bit." tears down my face. i knew everything was true. i walked out and put my jacket on. i was a mess. and this is wat he told me...

he spoke to her friday night and decided to see her. they went out for a few drinks and got a bit tipsy. he kissed her while at the bar. they left around 2.45am. they went back to her place (she lives with her bf and he was working. hes a bouncer) with all the intentions of sleeping together. she said she had to walk to dog, that she would be right back, so he stayed outside and smoked a cigarette while waiting for her. as she came back, HER bf showed up. the bf just walked in the house, and he said that at that moment (and he started crying as he told me this) he knew he wasn't supposed to be there. it was as if someone was telling him "u know this isnst supposed to happen and it wont. go home. your not supposedt o be here. you have a wonderful gf." he called a cab and went home. he got home around 3.15am. he told me he was so glad. that deep in his heart he knew his EX wasnt for him. he was so sorry for what he had done. he didnt want to lie to me. he felt awful. that while he was with her he relized how much i mean to him bc he cudnt bear the thought of loosing me. that i didnt deserve what he was doing to me bc ive been nothing but good to him.

believe me, there was yelling, tears, all that good stuff. i told him how cud u lie he said he was sorry he started crying and said that he didnt want to loose me, etc. etc. that hes taken me for granted, etc. god...i told him i didnt know waht to do....i cane be with someone that lies to me and thats wat he was, a liar.....god there was so much said.....

my question to all of you.........

what would you do? whats your adivce?? what do you think i should do? end it? go on? how do you learn to trust someone that you love so much again? how do i move on if i let go?? why does love hurt so much??

please feel free to ask my anything....im just a mess right now and any kind word will help. thanks once again ladies. sorry its SOOO LONG

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"in life there is only one thing i'm certain about, and it's that nothing is certain."

shesus

From what I could read out of that...
1) Your boyfriend lied.
2) Your boyfriend saw his ex and wanted to sleep with her.
3) He would have slept with her if the boyfriend hadn't shown up.
4) She's still calling him.

My advice...RUN. Break it off and find someone who appreciates you. This is the easiest case I've read. Break up, move on. No one deserves a lying, cheating guy. This relationship has lost all trust. End it now and quickly.

Good luck!

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Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

Sweetpea

That fact that he isn't being honest with you is a problem.

What you choose to do is up to you.

But i will say that every woman deserves better than someone who's that hung up on his ex.

I'll have to agree with Shesus here when she suggests that breaking it off would be the best thing for you.

keep us updated

sweetpea

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"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

Sage

^^

thirded. Even if your BF seems like the greatest, most wonderful guy in the world, HE HAD EVERY INTENTION OF CHEATING ON YOU. What would have happened if his Ex's BF hadn't of shown up? He would have boned her. And you know what? Why the hell would he have shaved his privvy bits if he didn't know he was going to be having sex? O_o that, to me, sticks way out as being fishy as well.

I don't care how much he apologized, what he says, or how he acts now. He was going to cheat on you, had every intention of cheating on you, and the only reason he didn't was because he was interrupted by a large, burly man.

Honey, break it off, heal your broken heart, and find a man that loves you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE and who doesn't come with baggage.

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little_tippler

I agree. If he's still thinking about his ex that much, then it's the wrong time for your relationship. He shaved to go have sex with her. He planned it right? Maybe subconsciously, but he did. He got interrupted by her new boyfriend. Why the hell is she calling him if she's with someone new? There's something screwed up there. I think probably he's going to get back with her sooner or later.

Either way, he completely broke your trust. I have to disagree with Sage, who doesn't have baggage? But his baggage is keeping him in the past for now, and maybe you're not the right person to help him move on. I can't really say what you should do, but me, I think I'd break up and tell him he needs to think long and hard about what he really wants.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Sultana

Gosh, I'm so very sorry you're going though this!
I'm rather shocked that after being with you for a whole week, less than 24 hours later he was "prepped" and with her. He specifically called you to lie to you about playing X-Box with his friends (right?). And the only reason *he says* he didn't have sex with her was because her boyfriend showed up...and that's when *he says* he saw the light, realized you deserved better, etc.
You still don't actually know for sure he *didn't*sleep with her, right? Only him saying he planned on it, make the efforts, but miraculously didn't.
And he was laughing when you confronted him. *sigh* Not necessarily saying he was laughing *at* you, but still. Ugg.

I'd say trust has been damaged, big time. I don't think I'd stick around, myself.

Good luck though, and big hugs to ya. Please keep us updated on the situation, K?

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

JustJess

I can only say.... the ladies of TFP are intelligent and wise. You'd do well to listen to them. I'm sorry he's being so hurtful, but I believe it's better to end the hurt now.

I would have no reason to think he's sincere in his apologies... so no reason to try to forgive him.
You deserve more.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Sage

Hey, to clarify: I know everyone has baggage, there's just "normal" baggage and "cheating on my girlfriend of almost a year with my EX" baggage....

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now hun... we're all with you!

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Sugar&Spice

I think the best course of action is to break it off with him. Having trust in him again is going to be really hard. You will constanly wonder if he is telling you the truth when he is out without you or if he is having sex with some other girl. You'll make yourself feel crazy.

I know you love him a lot and it would be easier to just try to forget about it and still have your boyfriend in your life, but he told you he would have slept with her if her boyfriend had not showed up. I know it hurts, I've been there. But if I had been stronger I would've dumped him right when he told me he cheated rather than take him back and have him dump me later.

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

lurkette

His lying and indecision does not bode well for your relationship. Find someone worthy of you.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

percy

Drop him. He slept with her. I'd go as far as to say they didn't even go to her house. Sounds way to far fetched considering she has a boyfriend. Just a guess though.

Nienna

hey ladies...sorry i havent been around. its been a rough week, between exams and home life (with my mother...u all know how that is *sigh*), work and having to deal with this.... i must say its been hell of a week.

ive thought this through, time and time again. we have agreed to take things slow. trusting him will take time. and to heal my heart will take more time.

by reading ur posts.....you're all right. i know i deserve better. and maybe he isn't "the one", but ive decided for the 3-strikes-your-out rule. this is strike #2. even thought this has been a hard ordeal, bc of the type of person i am, i can't live my life thinking "what if." i know it may sound naive and immature or what u may call it, but its just the way i am. i rather live knowing that we tried to make things work, then not give it a try at all and have to think back that i gave up. i know my heart is hurting and with time i'll heal, but it's a hard choice i had to make.

so for now, we're taking things slow. meaning we've taken 2 steps back to give each other room to breathe. being this is my first serious adult relationship, we realized we did rush a bit into things. it got "too serious, too quick." there's a saying in spanish "Demasiada miel, empalaga," and "Mucha carne junta, se pudre." translation: "Too much honey will give u a tummy ache." and "Meat that sticks too close together will rott." moral: never give too much of yourself (and not so quickly) and remember you need your OWN space. which is what we lacked. so who knows what will come of this. but believe me, i thank you all for your wonderful advice. i will keep you posted on anything new.

as for what Sage said i agree and i told him something similar. i told him that before he started the relationship, he should have taken care of his business. he didnt. but, in front of me he called her and ended things. we'll see if anything more comes of this i hope not. but i will keep you all informed. thanks once again ladies. this place is truly a one-of-a-kind nitch

P.S. I WRITE TOO MUCH!! im so sorry

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"in life there is only one thing i'm certain about, and it's that nothing is certain."

Sage

While I might not personally agree with a "three strikes" rule, you are handling things *very* maturely and in a way that will be a learning expierence for you. You are being very thoughtful about what you're doing, which is something way, way, way too many people are not capable of doing. Kudos to you!

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Sweetpea

Nienna,

don't worry about writing too much sometimes, there is a lot to say.

My bottom line is: keep yourself happy, if you want to stay in the relationship, then do. Just be careful with your heart.

And we're always here to listen if you want to speak about it further.

sweetpea

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"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

Sultana

Nienna, I'm so glad you took a few moments to update us (and you don't write too much at all, lol!). Please do continue to do so, and I also look forward to seeing around the other parts of the board. Take care!
*hugs*

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

ash

dido for everyone. he lied and he still talks to her. if he was sooo sorry he would have been honest and bitched her out when she called and told her never to call again. it is very hard when you love someone but you deserve so much better.

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"somepeoplesay"

TivaBella

Sorry ladies, something went askew and I posted on the wrong thread by accident.... It's late....

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It's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.

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CaliLivChick

He may have lied in the first place in order to avoid confrontation with you, because he knew you'd get mad/upset/angry. That shows (a) immaturity, because he couldn't deal with the consequences of his actions, and (b) guilt for doing/thinking what he did/thought about. The difference between his maturity level and the maturity with which you're handling this shows that he is probably not the guy for you, at least not right now. I would advise not making any major life changing decisions involving him right now... don't move in with him, don't move away with him, don't get engaged/married, don't mingle your finances with him, etc., etc.

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Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.