greeneyes

Quick Backstory:

I am getting married and as a wedding present, my fiance's mother wanted to give to him a family bridal set for me. The set is lovely and we both felt very honored. My future mother-in-law and I have the beginnings of a great relationship and I saw this as her way of approving of me and giving her blessing on our pending nuptials. Let me stress that in no way did we ask for the ring or even consider it as a potential engagement ring for me at all.

The center stone needed to be replaced and so she said that she would pay for half of it. My fiance, Mr. L as I will call him, was to meet his mom today to look at stones. At the counter, with the sales man showing them the stone, his mother says to him, "I'm having second thoughts about giving this to you." Mr. L is crushed, not that he won't get the ring, but that his mother has reneged on a promise. He tells her that he is upset, she tells him she thinks he is acting like a spoiled brat, and then reveals that the reason she is having second thoughts is because she is actually having second thoughts about me.



I don't know what happened. She has always treated me very well and talked about how she likes me, is excited about us getting married, and this past Tuesday even told me to call her "Mom." She and I went dress shopping this week, looked at potential places to hold the reception and she never ONCE indicated that she was anything but excited and over-joyed. I have not seen or spoken with her since Tuesday and so I have NO idea what could have possibly changed.

Mr. L is devastated that his mom feels this way and is going back on a promise. She feels very strongly that he is just acting spoiled and ungrateful. I feel I am too close to this situation to make a decision and so am asking for the fine folks of TFP to examine this one. Bottom line is, I don't need the engagement ring and it was never about the ring. It was about how the act of her wanting to give it symbolized that she wanted me in the family and how now she has hurt my fiance.

What to do?

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Seeker

Doesn't this make you and your fiance question her thoughts on you being a part of her family?

If it were just about the ring then I can understand the acting like a spoilt brat comment on the ring alone, but what does everyone think about the link between the gift of the ring and yourself? Has this been addressed?

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amonkie

Has L been married before? It sounds like it could be Mom really realizing what is happening here ... it takes a lot for many parents to realize their kids are Growing Up.

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Sage

Yeah, it does sound a lot like his mom is freaking out. This is a really wierd thing to happen.. it seems like his mom was OK with everything until she got up to the point where she was at the jeweler's picking out a stone for his engagement ring... has he ever been/is he a "momma's boy?" You should probably talk to your fiancee, and have him have a sit-down with his mom. I'm really sorry this is affecting you... in-laws can be a pain to deal with! Perhaps, after your fiancee talks to her, you could talk to her (if you feel comfortable). You are going to be in the family soon, and you need to make sure that the lines of communication are very very open, even if she feels she doesn't "like" you. Good luck!

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OFKU0

I'd suggest counting backwards from 10 to 1 very,very slowly, close eyed and while holding your breath looking upwards.

That should solve your current predicament.

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Elphaba

Greeneyes, I think Sage may have hit on it. Perhaps the pleased mom suddenly was struck with losing a son? A difficult situation no matter what. Open communication is the only solution.

Edit: and lots of counting.

analog

Unfortunately, you can pick your spouse, but you cannot pick the family they come with.

It might just be parental jitters, as others were saying. Just keep your chin up, and remember that you love your soon-to-be husband, and guide yourself from there.

greeneyes

Mr. L has never been married before and while he is the only son, he is not what I would consider a "momma's boy" in the least.

He has tried to talk with her but she was so irrational that it did absolutely no good at all. At one point, in the middle of the store, she ended up saying, "Here, take it!" and stalking off.

It's her ring, she can do with it what she will but my main concern is that she said she was having second thoughts about me. She and I have gotten along so well that all I am left wondering is, "What in the hell did I do to this woman?"

He is hoping to talk with her today and if that goes well, I am also hoping to call her. Ring or not, I just don't want the relationship to deteriorate.

__________________
Put the blame on me
So you don't feel a thing

Go on and save yourself
Take it out on me

ryfo

I would let him talk to his mum about the ring and if you want to, talk to her about your relationship, dont mention the ring at all. Hopefully, you may get some answers

Minx

Obviously the ring isn't really the crux of the matter here. I can't even start to imagine how you must be feeling right now. I think the important thing is that you are going to have to find out what her problem is with you. Face it, you are going to be a part of the family soon and you will be in contact with her. I certainly wouldn't want to always be wondering what happened to change her opinion.

Some Mothers have trouble letting go of their children and I hope that in this case that is all it is.

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pig

Yep - sounds like Mommy's having the freak-out jitters. Sounds like a mommy-son issue that you're caught in sort of tangentially. She's calling him "spoiled and ungrateful"....is there any basis for this in his past actions towards his parents, above and beyond normal parental support. Is he generally indepedent?

I'd see if the future MIL will give your fiance more information about her specific reservations concerning you. Every parent is going to have worries about their wittle babies making their own families and what not, but I think that's just a normal part of parenting. Unless it turns out that she thinks you really are suddenly a very bad person, I'd assume the underlying emotional issues have very little to do with you and much more to do with her relationship with her son. I'd personally be tempted to steer clear and let him handle it. Kind of sounds like he might need to man up and have one of those sit-down talks with Mommy.

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Redlemon

Tough situation, sorry to hear it.

I'd start with your man; he's the one you need to be able to talk to in future years. Find out if this is typical behavior for his mom, and if she really means it when she has an outburst like this. Establish with him how you should deal with her, or if he should be the one to do it.

In fact, I think he is the one who needs to deal with it.

(My wife has been a big help in making me deal with my mom more effectively. )

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smooth

You're marrying her son.

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tecoyah

My opinion:

Do Not Accept the Ring......period.

Take Mom to lunch and explain how badly you feel about her change of heart. Explain to her that the ring now carries this with it and therefor is not wanted. Then tell her how much you care for her son and hope these issues can be resolved...but be firm. Make her understand that she is not marrying her son....you are.

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VitaminH

Sounds to me (and it seems several others) that "Mom" is just not wanted to let her son go. Especially if he's an only child, I can see her suddenly realizing this is all very real at the jewler and that she is "losing" her son to another women more or less. You then go from being a welcomed member of the family to a threat to her.

I think tecoyah is correct in saying that no matter what now, do not accept the ring. Of course the final choice is yours, however it's only going to be a catalyst for bringing up these bad feelings and memories in the future.

Talking with her is probably a good idea, and try to make it clear without out and out saying it that you're not out to steal her son away from her, but more so to join the family.

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pig

Hey, I don't know. I'd say let the communication start flowing between son and mom first, then between greeneyes and mom, or however depending on personalities and so forth...but mom may have a breakthrough if she realizes what emotions are at the root of her actions. The ring could become a symbol of her recognition of that it's real. Long story short: play it by ear.

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Cynthetiq

My mom did about the same thing when I got married, not with the ring but by not even speaking to Skogafoss on our wedding day. Boy did she ever get alot of shit from my father and my sister about that. She has done everything she can in the past 3 years to make up for that and to foster a good relationship with my wife.

Personally, I didn't want any aggravation from any family members for the wedding so I accepted no money and no input from anyone on our wedding plans. It was bad enough that we changed the original idea of getting married in Iceland in front of the waterfall that I proposed to her.

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greeneyes

Ok, Mom says that she is having a hard time letting go of both the ring and the son... and that she is not having second thoughts about me. She is just very emotionally attached to the ring and doesn't want to give it away only to later feel resentment seeing it on someone else's finger.

I told her it was her ring and her perogative and that all I was concerned about was maintaining the relationship. I also told her that the issues regarding how the two of them treated each other over the ring was between them and I was not going to get involved. Mr. L is completly willing to talk to his mom about everything, he just wanted to give both her and himself time and space to cool down.

So he is going to talk with her on Sunday and she and I are fine. Aside from that, he and I both think that we should not accept the ring unless she wants to give it to us as a symbol of love and acceptance with no strings attached and ONLY if there will be absolutely no resentment harboured. I'm not sure how I will be able to believe that those conditions have been met, but as pigglet said, we're just going to have to play it by ear.

Thanks for the advice, guys, you've been great.

__________________
Put the blame on me
So you don't feel a thing

Go on and save yourself
Take it out on me

pig

This is so Meet The Parents it's not funny. Best of luck

editps. and btw: I'm glad to hear that things look pretty good, everything considered. I can just hear the healing hands of time working their magic

/forgive me - I've been drinking again.

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Seeker

Great news greeneyes!

I am so glad the real issue is being addressed by all concerned and that it was nothing toward you *phew!*

Best wishes for an equally quick and positive result on Sunday

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

Sultana

I'm glad things are going better, but I agree with Tecoyah about not using the ring...I mean, didn't you think (and reasonably so) that the gift was "a symbol of love and acceptance with no strings attached and there would be absolutely no resentment harboured" in the first place?
I understand that Moms flip out (believe me, I Do). But to even think of reneging on a gift of this magnitude, with all the emotions attached to it leads me to wonder if it could happen again, before or after the wedding.

I think it could be a good way to show that you will graciously but firmly not tolerate this kind of behaviour. But that's me.

Bite me once, shame on you. Bite me twice, shame on me.
(Is it biting? Or burning? Or smacking? Heh, can't remember.)

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greeneyes

No, no, I completely agree with you. Which is why I said that certain conditions would have to be met and I'm not sure that I can be completely satisfied that they ever will be. I am not going to accept this ring, get married, and then have her decide she just cannot deal with it after all and want it back.

And the only reason I would consider accepting the ring would be if this is her way of apologizing and saying that everything is done and over with... I don't want to be the one who says "Thanks, but no thanks."

I think things will be much clearer after Sunday's conversation.

__________________
Put the blame on me
So you don't feel a thing

Go on and save yourself
Take it out on me

genuinegirly

Good luck with the conversation this weekend! I hope that you can come to some sort of resolution. Everyone wants familial harmony. Your mom's attitude of "faking it" and holding in her concerns isn't a help to the picture. Still, The last thing you need is a mother in-law that you're not going to get along with. Better that she expressed her jitters now rather than after the wedding. It could be something little that tipped her over the brink. Maybe she thought she liked you, but then you cussed in front of her or even hugged her wrong. Or perchance she never liked you and just wanted to please her son.

Work with it, clarification and communication being key, but dang don't stalk away, upset and angry in a store like your fiance did. That can only make her embarrased and/or wondering over your maturity. This is a difficult topic, one that brings all sorts of difficult emotions -- all the more reason to be tactful and compassionate.

Sometimes relationships are strained with in-laws. You may have to accept this as a reality - until, at least, she realizes that you're not going anywhere.

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greeneyes

So... he spoke with his mum and things are better now. We will not be accepting the ring, especially considering she keeps saying she is "having a really hard time letting go."

Since tomorrow is his day off, he is going to "look" for a ring. We'll see where that leads us...

__________________
Put the blame on me
So you don't feel a thing

Go on and save yourself
Take it out on me

Ishmal

good luck searching for th ring...

i'm glad it worked out with mum...

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