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Old 06-11-2004, 09:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
rat
smiling doesn't hurt anymore :)
 
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Location: College Station, TX
HEY CLAVUS!! OVER HERE!!

Hey bud, since someone decided to resurrect your compelling tale of naked woe and power tool triumph, I've decided I'd resurrect the signature as well

here's to you bud!
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Quote:
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To say that I was naked, when I broke in would be a lie. I put on safety glasses.
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Old 06-11-2004, 12:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
pow!
 
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WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

I feel frickin' immortal.
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Old 06-11-2004, 12:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
Poo-tee-weet?
 
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lol

you should make an "ask clavus for advice thread"
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Old 06-11-2004, 01:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Republic of Panama
Yeah, then we can see how many real world problems a sawz-all really can solve!

he he
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Old 06-11-2004, 01:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by JStrider
you should make an "ask clavus for advice thread"
That's an excellent idea. Expecially in light of...
Quote:
Originally posted by clavus
For the last time, people. The best solution to a difficult problem is NEVER discovered by asking, "How would Clavus handle this?"
Please, Clavus, we want an advice thread!
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Old 06-11-2004, 01:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
will always be an Alyson Hanniganite
 
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Location: In the dust of the archives
Face it, clavus...if there were a TFP Top 10 Post Award...I think that one would top out at #1. You definately wrote a classic. No matter how far down it gets buried, it always manages to surface again. It just cannot be sunk.
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Old 06-11-2004, 02:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
pow!
 
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Location: NorCal
Quote:
Originally posted by redlemon

Please, Clavus, we want an advice thread!
Good lord, can you imagine?!

`````````````````````````````
Dear Clavus –

My wife has gained considerable weight since we were married, and though I love her with all my heart, I am no longer physically attracted to her. Lately, I have been having vivid fantasies about the lovely redhead behind the register at McDonalds. What should I do?

- Lustful McHusband


Dear LM –

Look, your wife isn’t going to change. You need to change your perception of your wife. Get the following items, a red wig, McDonalds name-tag, a quart of vodka and one of those funhouse mirrors that make things look really skinny…
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Old 06-11-2004, 03:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
WoW or Class...
 
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This is the only situation where I'd sign an online petition for something.
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink but then held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
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Old 06-11-2004, 03:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
Thor
 
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Location: 33:08:12N 117:10:23W
Dear Clavus,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon
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Old 06-11-2004, 07:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
H12
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Location: K-Town, TN
Dear Clavus,

My aunt's new boyfriend has a 16-year-old daughter that is a goth straight out of rehab for over-dosing. I'm afraid she's going to be a bad influence on my lil' 12-year-old cousin, my aunt's only son. What do I do?!

Gothophobic Worrier
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Old 06-12-2004, 09:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
pow!
 
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Location: NorCal
Quote:
Originally posted by micah67
Dear Clavus,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

Dear VO -

Listen to your daddy. He is trying to teach you a very important lesson. First of all, go stare at the sun. Don't blink. Look at it for a long long time. After an hour or so, what do you see?

That's right...no Jolly Fat Elf, in fact, I'd wager that you don't see a damn thing. In other words - There is no Santa. And that's a pity, because SOMEBODY needs to give you a white cane for Christmas.
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Last edited by clavus; 06-12-2004 at 09:33 AM..
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Old 06-12-2004, 09:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
pow!
 
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Location: NorCal
Quote:
Originally posted by H12
Dear Clavus,

My aunt's new boyfriend has a 16-year-old daughter that is a goth straight out of rehab for over-dosing. I'm afraid she's going to be a bad influence on my lil' 12-year-old cousin, my aunt's only son. What do I do?!

Gothophobic Worrier


Dear GW -

You are right to be worried. Because you are a caring person with a good head on your shoulders, I'm going to give you a very important job. Next time this Goth chick passes out, you need to steal her drugs and put them someplace very safe...someplace like...my house. Ya. bring the drugs to me.

And don't worry about your cousin. It's not every 12-year-old who gets to bang a goth junkie. And he has a prime opportunity.
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Old 06-12-2004, 07:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
H12
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Location: K-Town, TN
Great advice!


Dear Clavus,

A drunk man started a fight with me last year, so I slammed my knee into his genitals to defend myself. The day after that, the man went to the hospital and had surgery on his nut; since it was shattered, they had to remove it and put a rubber ball in its place. Since then, he has been reasonably furious at me, and I suspect that he's gonna aim for blood the next time we meet up. What ever shall I do??

Nut Demolisher
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Old 06-14-2004, 05:08 AM   #14 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Melbourne
Dear Clavus

My girlfriend has some trouble when i show effection in public, everytime i kiss her she always tells me she doesn't feel confortable with me doing it infront of her parents, even when i tell her they are my parents too, What should i do?

R. Edd Neck
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