HEY CLAVUS!! OVER HERE!!
 

Hey bud, since someone decided to resurrect your compelling tale of naked woe and power tool triumph, I've decided I'd resurrect the signature as well :D

here's to you bud!

WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

I feel frickin' immortal.

lol

you should make an "ask clavus for advice thread"

Yeah, then we can see how many real world problems a sawz-all really can solve!

he he

That's an excellent idea. Expecially in light of...
Please, Clavus, we want an advice thread!

Face it, clavus...if there were a TFP Top 10 Post Award...I think that one would top out at #1. You definately wrote a classic. No matter how far down it gets buried, it always manages to surface again. It just cannot be sunk. :thumbsup:

Good lord, can you imagine?!

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Dear Clavus –

My wife has gained considerable weight since we were married, and though I love her with all my heart, I am no longer physically attracted to her. Lately, I have been having vivid fantasies about the lovely redhead behind the register at McDonalds. What should I do?

- Lustful McHusband


Dear LM –

Look, your wife isn’t going to change. You need to change your perception of your wife. Get the following items, a red wig, McDonalds name-tag, a quart of vodka and one of those funhouse mirrors that make things look really skinny…

This is the only situation where I'd sign an online petition for something.

Dear Clavus,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

Dear Clavus,

My aunt's new boyfriend has a 16-year-old daughter that is a goth straight out of rehab for over-dosing. I'm afraid she's going to be a bad influence on my lil' 12-year-old cousin, my aunt's only son. What do I do?!

Gothophobic Worrier

Dear VO -

Listen to your daddy. He is trying to teach you a very important lesson. First of all, go stare at the sun. Don't blink. Look at it for a long long time. After an hour or so, what do you see?

That's right...no Jolly Fat Elf, in fact, I'd wager that you don't see a damn thing. In other words - There is no Santa. And that's a pity, because SOMEBODY needs to give you a white cane for Christmas.

Dear GW -

You are right to be worried. Because you are a caring person with a good head on your shoulders, I'm going to give you a very important job. Next time this Goth chick passes out, you need to steal her drugs and put them someplace very safe...someplace like...my house. Ya. bring the drugs to me.

And don't worry about your cousin. It's not every 12-year-old who gets to bang a goth junkie. And he has a prime opportunity.

Great advice! :)


Dear Clavus,

A drunk man started a fight with me last year, so I slammed my knee into his genitals to defend myself. The day after that, the man went to the hospital and had surgery on his nut; since it was shattered, they had to remove it and put a rubber ball in its place. Since then, he has been reasonably furious at me, and I suspect that he's gonna aim for blood the next time we meet up. What ever shall I do??

Nut Demolisher

Dear Clavus

My girlfriend has some trouble when i show effection in public, everytime i kiss her she always tells me she doesn't feel confortable with me doing it infront of her parents, even when i tell her they are my parents too, What should i do?

R. Edd Neck