RelaX

My best friend called up an hour or something ago and seeing as it's Saturday night I expected him to call about going out.
So I pick up: "Hey! How are you, you bastard?" (I always call him a bastard, jockingly) and with a shaky voice he tells me that he's not that good and that I'd better sit down.

Turns out his girlfriend (and one of my good friends) got raped last night.

She had gone out with a couple of friends to a bar over here and got drunk and felt miserable, so she went home... alone.
She doesn't even live far away from the bar, maybe 10 mins by bike.
Anyway, halfway through she gets knocked off her bike by two guys and one holds her down while the other rapes her.

Anyway, he had spent all day with her and appearantly she's taking it pretty good, only my friend was falling to pieces. So we talked a bit about it, but I couldn't do much more than tell him that I feel his pain and just listen.
I was shocked. I still am.
He also said I could call her to give her my support and how she'd like that, but I shouldn't do more seeing as it's still too fresh. Still in my shock I failed to register the part about how she'd appreciate it if I called and I told him I would call her later (so I wouldn't disturb her now). Maybe I should have called with my support anyway.... It's too late (10 pm) now... Maybe I should still do it tomorrow...
What can you do? What would be best? It's the helplessness of it all, that's what my friend said too, that's the worst.

I mean, what kind of a sick world do we live in? Three days ago over here in the Netherlands a kid walks in the school and shoots his vice principal. Shoots him in the head, in the cafeteria. Guns are illegal, but I know for sure that if I wanted one, I could get one by the end of this week.
And even worse, a day later, the camera catches a bunch of kids sympathising WITH THE KILLER! Saying that 'the media' wasn't treating him fair. And that he should be released.

On the radio they said that 4 out of every 6 teenagers carry a weapon because they feel unsafe. A friend of mine offered to get me a knife a couple of months ago and I, in my naivety, didn't think I would ever need it so I turned the offer down. But right now I think I need to call that friend tomorrow...

EDIT: Sorry for the 'like' confusion

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timalkin

I'd blame it on the decimation of the family unit, but that's just me and my old-fashioned, close-minded beliefs.

Sorry to hear about your friend and his girlfriend.

wallaby72

I wish your friend the best and hope she can recover from such a cruel act. You do face a difficult dilemma, but I think (just my personal opinion) it would best to get on the phone and offer your support soon. Although you may not say much, and she may not, at least she will feel that she has friends and a support structure to help her through it.

Good luck and best wishes.

RelaX

I was thinking about something like that too. I was reading a speech author Douglas Adams gave once, and in it he talked about ways of communication and that there is a whole lot of many to one communication and that it can easily lead you to think that you live in a world that has a lot of influence on you, but you don't have any influence on it (seeing as you're only 1 in a billion). Leading to estrangement.
There is no sense of community any more, no sense of 'making a difference' of belonging. No wonder the more mentally retarded people resort to crime, cause hey, if what I do doesn't make a difference, I might as wel just do what the hell I like.

That's also what makes TFP such a great place, there is a community with certain values and beliefs, challenging these is okay, but if you cross the line you get banned. At times even I think of some of these rules as preposterous, but they are there and I abide by them or I go someplace else.
And if you say a kind word, or if you help someone with a problem, you make a difference. If you donate, you make a difference. Every time you post, the mods check it out, you're always going to be heard...

Anyway, this is just some private theory of mine that sprouted from thinking about the Metaphysics of Quality from the books by Robert Pirsig, for those who have read the books.

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

BlueBongo

She liked it? I would just recommend some serious counseling for her first and foremost. I do wish you the best in helping your friends, but it does sound like she needs help.

But it is good that you be there for her so she knows she has a lot of support, and support from her family would be extremely important as well.

I can sympathize with her on the whole being violated sexually thing and support/communication are key to helping her through it.

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"Things can only get so bad before they have no choice but to get better.."

Bamrak

He meant that she would like for him to call, not that she liked the rape. I had to read that twice myself.

Anyway. My sympathies to both her and everyone close to her. Rape is something that just isn't forgivable

sailor

Wait, wait wait.... you need to clarify that one line--she liked it?

Regardless, be there for her. How well do you know her? If it is more than an acquaintance thing, forget the phone call, go see her (unless you think that she would feel awkward or embarassed).

Is she going to the police? Has she told her family?

I wish her (and your friend, and you for that matter) luck--thats a shitty situation to be in

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"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
--Plato

sadatx

Well, it's certainly no better in the states as far as the violence is concerned.

A friend of mine in college was raped in a much different situation. She had had too much to drink and this guy(from a neighboring college) sort of led her back to her room and started kissing her. She kept telling him no, but he just kept going farther and then she said she blacked out.

I think her family was horrified (strict Catholic) and didn't give her the support she needed.

Now obviously your friend was in a much different situation, but from what I've read and watching my friend go through it there's deffinitely a period of hating yourself and hating sex for a lot of women who are raped. Just try to give her support. Talk to her about it as much as you can. Maybe pick up a book on it so you can better understand how to give the support she needs. And counseling is, of course, an option but that's up to her if she wants to go.

onodrim

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. It truly is sad sometimes the horrible things that people will do. I myself carry mace with me anytime I'm out alone on campus, and I really wish it didn't have to be like that. I hope that your friend his girlfriend can find some peace again soon.

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-Carl Sagan

bermuDa

I was aghast when I read this thread... I am so sorry that your friend had to go through that, rapists are the scum of the earth

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Spartak

I hope the bastards are caught and their lives made a living hell. Rape is truly one of the worst crimes anyone can commit.

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tinfoil

People commiting rape should have their nads coated in bbq sauce and tied naked over top a fire ant hill.

Part of it could be blamed on the lack of family structure now, but I think alot more of it is to be blamed on the fact that parents can't punish their children like they once did. If I seriously fucked up when I was a kid, I'd get cuffed upside the head. That's now considered illegal.

Parents are also, more and more, shirking their responsibilities. I've recently heard one mother complain because her daughter's math teacher suggested that she help her daughter with her homework so she could do better in class. She said, it's not my job to teach them.

Man, RelaX, your friends are both going to need you right now. They need you to be strong and to listen, and not freak out like I most certainly would. Be angry, but not in front of them.

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Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

KungFuGuy

good luck to her. i'd probably be out looking for them to exact some revenge cause i'd probably just flip out.

mrbuck12000

I really feel sorry for your friend. that is truelly a disgusting crime and i hope that your friend will get thru this. I think the best you can do is just listen and be there for her.
I really do not understand why people are the way they are. I have a problem hurting an ant, let alone raping a person, it makes no sense to me. I was never taught any type of hatred. I was taught to always have an open mind...no violence though.

i wish you well.

mr b

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"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee --that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... You can't get fooled again." - G.W. Bush quoted by the Baltimore Sun - Oct 6, 2002

Mr.Deflok

A friend of mine was raped several years ago too, she was underage and had a forced abortion, she felt so ashamed that one of her so-called friends used her to get money for sex. I was able to intervene and put a stop to it but my point is that you have to be there for your friend in the present, this is when she'll need you the most. I wish I had been aquainted with my friend earlier, if I had she would more than likely have had to go through the tormoil she had to. Be there, as a friend, and never touch her, even as a hug, unless she comes to you first.

Another thing, don't talk about her being raped, with my friend the whole time I stood by her I didn't mention how she was being used (well once, when I first found out). Be silly, be funny act like everything is normal.

Rape to me is the most criminal of crimes, quite frankly I believe the very soul of a rapist should be destroyed.

Nikilidstrom

what is sad is that while people like assistant principals get shot, rapists, the lowest form of life on Earth, roam free.

Getao

rElax... not to sound like I don't care... but do you have a link or know where you found that speech?

rape is horrible... you have my feelings. The fact that none of my friends have never been raped or sexually assaulted is one of the things I'm most thankful for in life. Horrible low-lifes who have to resort to such barbaric means to release their urges.

World's King

I noticed something about two years ago.


Every girl I knew had been raped/date raped or had gotten away from an attacker. That's about 15-20 girls in a small section of this world that this had happened to. It' makes me sick... just fuckin' sick.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Monre

I hope she can get her life mostly back on track.

analog

I'm very sorry to hear this... stuff like this shakes me down to the core. I can't imagine the environment that would produce such a disgusting mind.

omega2K4

When I was in a psychiatric hospital (depression related problems) as a teenager, I met this really cool chick. We got along really great and we were talking about random shit, and she mentioned that one of the reasons she was in the hospital, was because she was raped, not once, but twice. She was raped the first time when she was jogging at night, then she was raped the second time (2 months later), by a different person when she was out playing soccer. What kind of fucked up shit is that? There are some really fucked up people in the world. They never found the people that raped her, which sucks ass. I ended up dating that girl for a year or so, and we're still pretty good friends today.

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RelaX

Clairfy? What speech? This isn't something that happened in a story or something I plucked off the gddamn internet, this is what happened in RL.

Anyway, for those who want an update:
I called today and her mother picked up. I asked her how she was and she said that she is okay, concidering the circumstances. The girl herself appearantly only talks to my friend though, she doesn't even talk to her own family, she just leaves them notes.
I talked to my friend too and he said that he's a bit better, seeing as he got some sleep. He thanked me for calling, but told me I'd better call back later that week seeing as that she just doesn't want to talk to anybody. So I said I would and hung up.

I just feel so helpless... the best thing I could probably do is just stay away, just give her space, but I want to help. I should probably do something for my friend seeing as he must be going through a hell now too.
I think I'm goanna send him a message tomorrow that if he needs to tell his story or just needs a friend or something he can come by, or I can come by, for coffee or a beer tomorrownight.

I just want to help somehow, but don't know how, I mean, she doesn't want to talk to anyone and my friend is busy taking care of his girl. Maybe I should do something for her family...
Can anyone offer suggestions?

BTW: I hope no one is bothered by the 'girl' and 'my friend' instead of names, but in the off chance anyone lurks here that knows them, I'd rather not reveal their names. This is not the type of stuff you'd want everyone to know about you.

__________________
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
- Nathaniel Borenstein

VitaminH

Rape is the worst crime anyone, anywhere can commit. Nothing angers me more than to hear of a girl being violated in such a way. You have my utmost condolences and sympathies, friend. Hopefully better times are in all of your futures.

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InTeGrA77

I'd have to say that rape has to be the thing that I fear most by far, being a girl.

I'm really truely sorry to hear about your friend, send her my love and I wish her the best. Just be there for the both of them as much as you can, and they'll make it through.

It really is disturbing to think about all the terrible things that happen in the world that we live in. It's such a beautiful place and people like that ASSHOLE are fucking it up!!

I say everyone on the TFP moves to Mars, and we all live happily ever after!

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legolas

I'm sorry to hear it all.
I hate to bring it up, but do you know that she's taking the right precautions? (morning after pills, maybe tests)

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Flesh

if i was a female, i'd definitely carry some sort of weapon at all times..... best though is to never be alone especially @ night.. sorry it happened.

Getao

I seriously don't mean to sound like I dont' care... but that caught my eye and I'd like to know where you found it.


But on topic... Honestly the best thing you can do is to be a friend. Hang out with her and the guy. Talk with them, although it doesn't (and prolly shouldn't) be about the event. Take them places, you know, just try to help them cheer up and live through what happened.

torgone

My $.02:
Let them know you're available, but don't push. Rape is a violent crime with very deep, personal undertones. Your friends and their families are going through some serious times right now, which have to be borne in solitude. Soon, they will want to reach out. Just let them know you're available, and eventually they will come to you, and that's when you will be able to get involved and give them your support. There is a process that governs dealing with such a vicious, brutal attack. Right now you're not a part of it, but you will be if you exercise a little patience and caring.

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Prince

I googled it and got the following link. Don't know if it's what he meant or not:

http://www.biota.org/people/douglasadams/

Sorry to hear about your friend. It's shit like this that makes you think twice about wanting to bring children into a world as shitty as this.

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Fire

were my wife, or a close female friend, subjected to that, my friends and I would get a very good sketch of the perpetrators and go looking- discretely- if we thought we had found the persons responsible we would get a series of photos and show the victim- if she was sure, and I mean completely certain- then we would proceed to exact fair vengence, with as little mess as possible- why no cops?- have you seen what trials of that sort put the victim through- plus, this way you are sure that they will never rape again......

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illesturban

wow this is very unfortunate and I'm sorry to hear about it. I really hate the sickos and creeps out there who do things like this to people; it's just plain fucked up. I wish your friend and his girlfriend the best and hope that they catch those bastards.

PredeconInferno

Sadly, my current girlfriend was raped. It did not occur while I was with her, however, and it was more of a daterape thing. Still, a rose is a rose... I can understand how you feel about this... but also, because it happened to her before I knew her, it didn't rile me nearly as much as it would have.

Had I been in your friend's shoes, I would have hunted these two individuals down, and killed them. If not death, then probably something pretty horrible.

I hate hearing about how this stuff happens to people.... I don't know of any person who deserves such treatment... except, of course, those willing to perform such an action...

anyway, I feel your pain, I'm sorry to hear about it... I hope everything gets better very soon.

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housedude

Sorry for her - and you and her boyfriend.
Happened to my girlfriend many years ago - while we were together, and damn, it's rough. Give her, and your other friend as much support as you can while keeping yourself whole.
Sounds like a broken record, but counseling is a good thing for ALL of you. These things go deeper than you are aware, and know that it will take some years to come to terms with it.
My personal belief is that this type of cruel and unjustifiable stuff has been going on since the dawn of man - read the Bible for plenty of horror stories.
I can't explain it, but we are one crazy species. We can only control our own lives and how we react to the evil in this world.

water_boy1999

relax, my deepest sympathies go out to your friend, her boyfriend, and of course, you. I have gone through a similar situation of complete hopelessness. I had a girlfriend in college for a short time. We were both totally into each other. She fell off the face of the earth one day. No calls, no e-mails, not ever at home. I was at a complete loss because I had no idea what the heck happened....to my own girlfriend. Well, she finally sent me a letter in the mail about 5 months later. She had moved back home because someone she considered a friend raped her and beat her. She couldn't bear to tell me because she was so hurt by it. I couldn't believe what I was reading.....I couldn't believe she didn't bother to confide in me. I told her to never tell me who did it because she said I know the person. I told her that if I did know, I would be afraid of what I would do to him. I did tell her to go to the police but he never did. I don't know why.

I have a younger sister who is a beautiful girl. When I hear stories like this, I shudder at the fact that my sister could possibly be a victim one day and it scares the shit oput of me. I don't know if she would ever tell me either because she knows how I feel about rapists and she knows I would act out irrationally before I had a chance to realize what I was doing.

I wish your friend the best in her time of need.

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Blackthorn

I've had two family members who were raped. One of them is my very best friend in the world and always has been. She's my cousin and ever since we were very children we've been great friends.

I've learned a few things about this crime and through my attempts at providing support for her I've made a few mistakes. I'll share the highlights and hope that somehow this helps you.

You cannot change what happened. You have every right to feel angry about it. She is your friend so being angry about it is okay. Sharing how you feel about it with your friend who was raped will help. More than you realize but don't expect an immediate reply of that's okay I'll be fine. Expect to be shut out. Expect to be shut completely out for a long time. Make sure that when you initially reach out to your friend that she knows that you want to share how you feel about it. Express clearly that what you need to do is share how this makes you feel and that you don't expect anything from her in return. You get one shot at this so read carefully and get this part right.

Let her know that you are angry that this happened to her. Confirm for her that you deplore this crime and that the vile bastard that committed this heinous act will be caught and he will be punished.

Express to her that you love her dearly and care very deeply for her and that's why this makes you feel the way that you do. Express clearly to her that in no way is this her fault and that you won't let her think for a moment that it is. Get all of your feelings of hatred for the perp and this crime out. Get all of the emotion around the anger you have that this happened to your good friend out. Get all of the negativity out and share it with her so that she knows just how much you are hurting right there with her.

Once you feel you have shared your feelings with her to the point where you feel you are complete then tell her that so that she knows this. It is very important that you are complete with her about how you feel. Do not leave anything out there that you will feel the need to dwell on. She will do enough of this for you. You will need to move past this anger quickly and begin to treat her normally. Again express that you don't expect anything in return but simply you wanted to let her know how you feel and that you are always there for her. From that point forward where you are complete and you have made it clear how you feel you need to switch to being nothing but supportive.

Depending on how close you are with her she will share details with you about this at some point in the future. It will likely happen when you least expect it. It will not come soon. As her friend you should make a note of the date and then make a note of being considerate around that date. Don't plan a party but do offer to make dinner for your friends on that date. You don't have to mention the incident and in fact you shouldn't. If she wants to bring it up she will.

If and when she decides to share anything about this incident there is one thing you must understand. You will never be able to understand fully how this has made her feel. You can't possibly know how badly this has hurt her. You can only be there and be present with her when she shares what happened. Be fully present. Turn off that voice in your head and listen to what she shares. Do your very best to "get it". See the world through her eyes. Don't try to fix it because you can't. You can't change it and in fact any attempt at that will most likely make it worse. Just be present with her when she opens up to you. You had your opportunity to share. This will be hers. Let her share with you and just GET IT. Listen to her and let her share with you just the way you did with her. Be prepared for being pushed away if you try to hug her. Give her enough space to cry and then hold her tightly.

It will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do by listening to a share like this. I wish you and your friends Godspeed in this difficult time.

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absence_of_color

I thought that this was supposed to be funny or something until I opened the topic and read it.
I would have felt guilty by just closing it and going on.
I dont know what to say, except Im real sorry about that.
I realize this was last week or so, but I hope that you have called and supported her in this horrible reality she has faced recently.
I know that sometimes not knowing what to say keeps us from acting, but let them know you care.
It always seems that the times when you need people most are usually the times they arent there. Be different.
And to look on the bright side, it could have been a LOT worse.
They could have beaten her badly, tortured her until she actually died, or kidnapped her and still abusing her to this day.
I hope she gets throught it ok. I will go now.

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Rawrr

ugh..how horrible best wishes to her and I hope she is doing well..such a horrible thing to do to anyone

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tangled in a state of suffocation
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spazaddict

Sad but true....We live in a sick world. I work in a state prison so I have contact with rapist, child molesters, baby killers, and even a couple of insestual necros. It's gotten to the point where nothing surprises me any more.

Tell your friend to be strong, and seek out therapy alone and with his GF. Remember soon enough the people who did this will get caught, and a person like me will make there lives hell....One other bonus....Rapist get raped!

H12

That's my situation, too. *knocks on wood*

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Mr.Deflok

The world disgusts me even more when I see that so many of us are so close to knowing people who have been raped. This means that it's happening all too often, this world is a horrid horrid place, it would be much better if mankind never existed.