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Blackthorn · 01-25-2004, 07:44 PM

I've had two family members who were raped. One of them is my very best friend in the world and always has been. She's my cousin and ever since we were very children we've been great friends.

I've learned a few things about this crime and through my attempts at providing support for her I've made a few mistakes. I'll share the highlights and hope that somehow this helps you.

You cannot change what happened. You have every right to feel angry about it. She is your friend so being angry about it is okay. Sharing how you feel about it with your friend who was raped will help. More than you realize but don't expect an immediate reply of that's okay I'll be fine. Expect to be shut out. Expect to be shut completely out for a long time. Make sure that when you initially reach out to your friend that she knows that you want to share how you feel about it. Express clearly that what you need to do is share how this makes you feel and that you don't expect anything from her in return. You get one shot at this so read carefully and get this part right.

Let her know that you are angry that this happened to her. Confirm for her that you deplore this crime and that the vile bastard that committed this heinous act will be caught and he will be punished.

Express to her that you love her dearly and care very deeply for her and that's why this makes you feel the way that you do. Express clearly to her that in no way is this her fault and that you won't let her think for a moment that it is. Get all of your feelings of hatred for the perp and this crime out. Get all of the emotion around the anger you have that this happened to your good friend out. Get all of the negativity out and share it with her so that she knows just how much you are hurting right there with her.

Once you feel you have shared your feelings with her to the point where you feel you are complete then tell her that so that she knows this. It is very important that you are complete with her about how you feel. Do not leave anything out there that you will feel the need to dwell on. She will do enough of this for you. You will need to move past this anger quickly and begin to treat her normally. Again express that you don't expect anything in return but simply you wanted to let her know how you feel and that you are always there for her. From that point forward where you are complete and you have made it clear how you feel you need to switch to being nothing but supportive.

Depending on how close you are with her she will share details with you about this at some point in the future. It will likely happen when you least expect it. It will not come soon. As her friend you should make a note of the date and then make a note of being considerate around that date. Don't plan a party but do offer to make dinner for your friends on that date. You don't have to mention the incident and in fact you shouldn't. If she wants to bring it up she will.

If and when she decides to share anything about this incident there is one thing you must understand. You will never be able to understand fully how this has made her feel. You can't possibly know how badly this has hurt her. You can only be there and be present with her when she shares what happened. Be fully present. Turn off that voice in your head and listen to what she shares. Do your very best to "get it". See the world through her eyes. Don't try to fix it because you can't. You can't change it and in fact any attempt at that will most likely make it worse. Just be present with her when she opens up to you. You had your opportunity to share. This will be hers. Let her share with you and just GET IT. Listen to her and let her share with you just the way you did with her. Be prepared for being pushed away if you try to hug her. Give her enough space to cry and then hold her tightly.

It will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do by listening to a share like this. I wish you and your friends Godspeed in this difficult time.

01-25-2004, 07:44 PM	#35 (permalink)
Blackthorn Beware the Mad Irish Location: Wish I was on the N17...	I've had two family members who were raped. One of them is my very best friend in the world and always has been. She's my cousin and ever since we were very children we've been great friends. I've learned a few things about this crime and through my attempts at providing support for her I've made a few mistakes. I'll share the highlights and hope that somehow this helps you. You cannot change what happened. You have every right to feel angry about it. She is your friend so being angry about it is okay. Sharing how you feel about it with your friend who was raped will help. More than you realize but don't expect an immediate reply of that's okay I'll be fine. Expect to be shut out. Expect to be shut completely out for a long time. Make sure that when you initially reach out to your friend that she knows that you want to share how you feel about it. Express clearly that what you need to do is share how this makes you feel and that you don't expect anything from her in return. You get one shot at this so read carefully and get this part right. Let her know that you are angry that this happened to her. Confirm for her that you deplore this crime and that the vile bastard that committed this heinous act will be caught and he will be punished. Express to her that you love her dearly and care very deeply for her and that's why this makes you feel the way that you do. Express clearly to her that in no way is this her fault and that you won't let her think for a moment that it is. Get all of your feelings of hatred for the perp and this crime out. Get all of the emotion around the anger you have that this happened to your good friend out. Get all of the negativity out and share it with her so that she knows just how much you are hurting right there with her. Once you feel you have shared your feelings with her to the point where you feel you are complete then tell her that so that she knows this. It is very important that you are complete with her about how you feel. Do not leave anything out there that you will feel the need to dwell on. She will do enough of this for you. You will need to move past this anger quickly and begin to treat her normally. Again express that you don't expect anything in return but simply you wanted to let her know how you feel and that you are always there for her. From that point forward where you are complete and you have made it clear how you feel you need to switch to being nothing but supportive. Depending on how close you are with her she will share details with you about this at some point in the future. It will likely happen when you least expect it. It will not come soon. As her friend you should make a note of the date and then make a note of being considerate around that date. Don't plan a party but do offer to make dinner for your friends on that date. You don't have to mention the incident and in fact you shouldn't. If she wants to bring it up she will. If and when she decides to share anything about this incident there is one thing you must understand. You will never be able to understand fully how this has made her feel. You can't possibly know how badly this has hurt her. You can only be there and be present with her when she shares what happened. Be fully present. Turn off that voice in your head and listen to what she shares. Do your very best to "get it". See the world through her eyes. Don't try to fix it because you can't. You can't change it and in fact any attempt at that will most likely make it worse. Just be present with her when she opens up to you. You had your opportunity to share. This will be hers. Let her share with you and just GET IT. Listen to her and let her share with you just the way you did with her. Be prepared for being pushed away if you try to hug her. Give her enough space to cry and then hold her tightly. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do by listening to a share like this. I wish you and your friends Godspeed in this difficult time. __________________ What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?