The All Purpose VENTING Thread

[flat5]

Darn, I have to pee again.
Darn, I have to eat again.

[snowy]

Jeez peez louise, you think you'd realize how close your next door neighbors are! Couldn't you at least TRY and be quiet? People are sleeping, and your driveway/car doors are right below my bedroom window. STFU, get in your car, and drive away. Do us all a favor and don't turn on your crappy techno until you're down the block.

[ring]

http://www.storkfoodsystems.com/poul...tion/vent-gun/

[flat5]

Remind me not to come back as a chicken.

[Baraka_Guru]

• The contraction of "it is" is: "it's," not "its."
• Most pluralization requires simply an "s"; the apostrophe is both unnecessary and incorrect.

You're a writer; you should know this. The first few times looked like negligence.; the rest of the manuscript looks like ignorance.

[Lindy]

Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru

• The contraction of "it is" is: "it's," not "its."
• Most pluralization requires simply an "s"; the apostrophe is both unnecessary and incorrect.

You're a writer; you should know this. The first few times looked like negligence.; the rest of the manuscript looks like ignorance.

Ah, the irony of a punctuation error in a punctuation vent.

Lindy

[Baraka_Guru]

Originally Posted by Lindy

Ah, the irony of a punctuation error in a punctuation vent.

That's technically a typo, not a punctuation error. Who does double-punctuation? Seriously.

Give me a break. I have my head in a book. I come to TFP for breaks because I can do things here and not have to worry about having it prepared for publication in a book.

And don't get me started on irony....

[noodle]

Dear DFW disability assistance staff,

It's been four days and I'm STILL pissed off at you. I don't normally hold a grudge about something that is over and done with, but seriously WHAT. THE. FUCK?!
You deal with people who need help getting off Plane A to Gate B. You're seriously NOT going to be at the door to the plane because someone was convulsively vomiting and shaking on the plane and not able to stand up a minute, so you leave the gate? And then he has to sit there in the 104 degree heat and wait for your ass to come back? While shaking and GREEN and the flight staff is freaking out... Then, you drop us off at a McDonald's "Courtesy Cart" who flies us to the edge of the next terminal... thank you for NOT helping me with the three carry-ons and two seat cushions. And make him walk to an elevator, take it up a floor and walk to the next cart, ride another 200 yards and do it all over again? Do you not see him shaking and turning white? And then, homegirl bitchiness... you mean to tell me that you are put out by the thought of helping me push him in a wheelchair just TWO GATES DOWN because I'm struggling with the three carryons and two seat cushions. I'm sooooooooo sorry to put your fat ass out by walking 200 feet. And you know what? American Airlines staff kicks your sorry ass. I cried my eyes out 20 minutes later when they upgraded us to first class and found him a cot to lay down on when we were delayed an hour and a half. I never want to wish harm on someone but I hope that one day, each and every one of you has to rely on someone else to help you out so you know that feeling of weakness, embarrassment, and sheer necessity of will to make it through a horrible situation.
And, Jacksonville International Airport staff? Fuck you, too. Except the little muppet man that pushed S so fast through the terminal after we waited 10 minutes in the heat getting off the plane again that I had to run to keep up. And then the guy who took pity on my trying to push him myself... with the three carryons and two seat cushions... and pulled two wheelchairs at a time up the ramps and to baggage claim. He was alright until he started bitching later about helping the other little old lady with her three bags from Hawaii. Most of the airport staff... you can go FUCK yourselves with a nettle-encrusted dildo. In the ass.

Sincerely,
one pissed off n0odle.

[settie]

iiiiiiiiiii

[Amaras]

When waiting for the bus, why not get your pass or money out BEFORE stepping on,
therefore speeding up the process!

[Plan9]

Mr. Sweaty Guy,

You delivered my expensive slate table. It's made out of slate. Which is basically an interlocking series of square pieces of rock.

Assembly note: YOU CAN'T DROP IT BECAUSE IT WILL BREAK. I don't look forward to seeing you again. But I will. To replace it.

[Baraka_Guru]

Originally Posted by Plan9

[...] my expensive slate table. [...]

Slate table? WTF?

Next you'll tell me your entire kitchen is stainless steel except for your marble countertops and the bricks around your wood oven.

[LordEden]

Dear Random CT Tech Bitch,

Yes, it does take awhile to upload 378 images of high resolution CT scans over a VPN from the crappy DSL that the admin bought for the company. Yes, I can make it run faster.... without paying for a higher broadband connection? No, I can not work magic. I can not make it run faster because shitty poo-dunk medical facility won't shell out an extra $50 a month for 10mb DSL connection. This is not my fucking fault.

Do not jump on my fucking case because "one day" a month ago, the internet stopped working and your fat, overpaid, doughnut absorbing, The View watching, slutty biker bitch ass had to stay a WHOLE FUCKING HOUR past 5 oclock to upload the images. Boo-fucking-hoo. Cry me a river full of bacon grease, which I'm sure 60% of your body is made up of.

I'm here to replace a VPN router to fix the issues you are having. By replacing this piece of equipment I'm holding in my hand, it will fix your "internet thingy". Didn't hear me? Let me repeat myself FOUR FUCKING TIMES because you want to tell me FOUR FUCKING TIMES about the EXTRA FUCKING HOUR you spent because the "internet thingy" went down. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. Sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and stuff another goddamn chocolate covered cherry in your fat, disgusting, 3 drinks to take a ride, mouth so I can do my fucking job.

I hope you choke on that piece of candy and fucking kill over. Then I hope your family has to pay extra because you are to fat to fit into a regular sized grave and they have to bring in heavy equipment just to dig a hole big enough for your over-sized ass.

[Baraka_Guru]

Originally Posted by LordEden

[...] your fat, overpaid, doughnut absorbing, The View watching, slutty biker bitch ass [...]

I'm not normally one for fat jokes, but the one aspect of this is the best insult I've heard in a while: "The View watching."

It's the best insult I've heard since I overheard a guy on the street call someone an "H&M-jeans-wearing bitch."

[Plan9]

Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru

Slate table? WTF?

Next you'll tell me your entire kitchen is stainless steel except for your marble countertops and the bricks around your wood oven.

Dude, I've never had nice things. I've been living like a monk and saving for years. Now that I've gone and bought nice things... they come broken by the delivery 'tards. I swear to Allah, if I find a single scuff on my leather sectional, I'm going to reject the whole shipment and tell those motherfuckers I'm calling the credit card company to have the charges disputed. Seems the only way to guarantee stuff arrives intact is to lug it up the stairs yourself.

[uncle phil]

Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru

• The contraction of "it is" is: "it's," not "its."
• Most pluralization requires simply an "s"; the apostrophe is both unnecessary and incorrect.

You're a writer; you should know this. The first few times looked like negligence.; the rest of the manuscript looks like ignorance.

can't forget the other one:

[Baraka_Guru]

Yeah, there was a lot of that in there too.

[ring]

Buncha loosers.
Waddaya gunna do about it than?

[uncle phil]

i love amazing grace...

/rant over...

[Wes Mantooth]

Originally Posted by Plan9

Dude, I've never had nice things. I've been living like a monk and saving for years. Now that I've gone and bought nice things... they come broken by the delivery 'tards. I swear to Allah, if I find a single scuff on my leather sectional, I'm going to reject the whole shipment and tell those motherfuckers I'm calling the credit card company to have the charges disputed. Seems the only way to guarantee stuff arrives intact is to lug it up the stairs yourself.

I hear that, I did almost the exact same thing when I moved last year. Lived like a miser (old futon, milk crates for a coffee table) and decided to splurge some of my savings and buy some nice furniture, a tv, a bed ect...and every last piece came broken, on the third couch delivery (that's right it came broken twice before) the legs just fell of while they tried to squeeze it through the door, the screw that held them in place looked like it had been sawed in two. They then had the nerve to get mad at me for telling them I wanted to cancel the order and take my business elsewhere. Amazing.

Just last week I ordered a new pair of glasses, I go in to get them and they are broken at the nose piece, snapped right in two. I'm waiting on a new pair which will take another 3 weeks, yeah I don't mind squinting and getting headaches for another month because some idiot in packing can't contemplate that delicate eye glasses might need a little protection while rumbling across the country in the back of a truck. When you don't have a lot of money it hurts to spend it on anything, especially a luxury and when the people you give your hard earned money to can't even be bothered to treat your purchase with care its beyond infuriating.

[noodle]

I hate that you have this funny little laugh as you tell me about the
torture that you're about to inflict upon my mouth.
Seriously, cut your fucking fingernails and realize that I am not
jumping out of my seat every time you jam your thumbnail into my
lower gums just for emphasis. It fucking hurts.
And thank you for not noting in my chart that I'm latex-sensitive and
that when you put things in my mouth that have latex in them, I
break out and swell up. Ya fuckin' ass.

[biznatch]

I have to stand sitting next to you 5 hours.
Don't make your shitty work ethic make me look bad. Use appropriate workplace language when you pick up the phone, whoever is on the other end isn't your homie, it's a fucking customer.
Speak about 40 decibels lower when you call your friend at work, and don't stay behind the front desk.
Don't get to work an hour late and tell me you were at a film casting call, and try to make up for it by bringing me back coffee. It's 25 cents, I can get my own.
And for fuck's sake, if you need youtube, watch it on mute. I shouldn't endure your shitty taste in music and wait for you to mute it so I can pick up the phone.

[cellophanedeity]

I keep dreaming about the damn oil spill. This willful negligence has damaged my psyche, and yet, I can't seem to figure out how to change things.

My boyfriend is working nights. I still get to see him, but I'm going to miss sleeping with him.

I finished my last class today. No more hot-prof. -__- So sad.

[uncle phil]

oh, and would people puh-LEEZE learn how to spell definitely - like with an "i" instead of an "a"...

[ring]

Rediculous!

[uncle phil]

love ya two, ring...

[ring]

your know amature, that's for sure.

[The_Dunedan]

Dear UPS Driver,
I know you're a Teamster, and I know you're new. I know all your Teamster buddies have informed you that you aren't required to do anything but drive the truck, and that loading/unloading are jobs for "Them." You know, the non-Teamsters of the world.

Permit me to disabuse you of that notion. I pay UPS, who pays you, and -they- pay you to drive, load, and unload that Goddamned truck. Neither I nor they pay you to park that truck in the middle of my parking-lot, 30 feet from the door, and sit there blowing your horn. I am -not- going to walk out 30 feet into my parking lot to do your job for you. Your truck has mirrors, a tail-end camera, and a loooooong overhang on the ass-end. Do like your predecessors, and just back up to my door. It's not hard, and it'll make your life a -lot- easier when you have to manhandle 400lbs of Russian Destruction into your truck in 90-degree weather. And yes, believe it or not, you -do- have to do that. I will happily -help- you with it, but no, I am not going to load your truck for you. I am -also- not going to walk out into the middle of my parking lot in the rain to UNload your truck for you.

Furthermore, none of this will improve with repetition. The first time you sat in my parking-lot and blew the horn at me, I stood in the door and waved. The second time, I blew a marine air-horn at you, then stood in the door and waved. If this horn-blowing nonsense persists, so will my escalation. You want bagpipes? Bring it.

You know, there's a recession on. Lots of people are out of work and would be perfectly happy to take that job, with all the wonderful benefits and Union-scale wages, off your hands if you dislike it -that- badly. I'm sure several of your fellow drivers, the ones who know what they're doing and don't get a vaguely queasy look on their faces when they realize we're a gun-shop, would be equally delighted to relieve you of this onerous responsibility and hideous trial of having to actually get off your ass. You might wish to ponder this.

Very sincerely yours,
Dunedan

[Lindy]

Originally Posted by ring

your know amature, that's for sure.

Than again, there are those that insist upon using "than" and "then" interchangeably, as if they are the same word. They would rather continue in their ignorance then change.

Lindy

[Jetée]

It's quite cool the two queued posts I have under "punctuation" deal with both these incongruencies, and as illustrative beratements, no less.
* - coincidence monster

Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru

• The contraction of "it is" is: "it's," not "its."
• Most pluralization requires simply an "s"; the apostrophe is both unnecessary and incorrect.

You're a writer; you should know this. The first few times looked like negligence.; the rest of the manuscript looks like ignorance.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

can't forget the other one:

[ring]

Originally Posted by Lindy

Than again, there are those that insist upon using "than" and "then" interchangeably, as if they are the same word. They would rather continue in their ignorance then change.

Lindy

Yes, Lindy. Did post # 58 scoot by too quickly?

I sense a meta-rant. I'm going to behead the pass itself.

Bye.

[Plan9]

Don't worry, grammar Nazis... soon English will be dumbed down to "itz" for all uses of "its" and "it's" just as "yer" will replace "your" and "you're."

/1984

[uncle phil]

and we can't forget "there's a few..."

sheesh...

[Jetée]

Originally Posted by Plan9

Don't worry, grammar Nazis... soon English will be dumbed down to "itz" for all uses of "its" and "it's" just as "yer" will replace "your" and "you're."

/1984

This notion reminds me of a memo I received when I was in France five seasons ago. Let me dig it up (it was quite humourous ; superfluous):

Ah. Here it is... (I always forget stuff, but I never learn to let them go away altogether - Retrieval.)


re: Official language of the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Plan9]

Dear Major Financial Institution,

I keep a ridiculously high balance in my "super elite" account because I get benefits like free overdraft protection. You just charged me a $10 fee for something that was free last month, stating that it is "a new company policy." That's cool. $10 isn't anything to worry about, right? Wrong. I signed up for free overdraft. I expect it to cover me because I'm going to be out of the country and in places where Internet access is iffy at best.

So congratulations. You just lost a long time customer and enough money to pay cash for a BMW 5 series. Jerkoffs.

[ring]

* Hi byeþ ase þe wedercoc þet is ope þe steple, þet him went mid eche wynde.
o They are like the weather-cock that is above the steeple, that turns itself with every wind.
o Page 180; translation from Walter W. Skeat Early English Proverbs Chiefly of the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Centuries (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1910) p. 61.

* A roted eppel amang þe holen: makeþ rotie þe yzounde.
o A rotten apple will spoil a great many sound ones.
o Page 205.

* Zuo longe geþ þet pot to þe wetere: þet hit comþ to-broke hom.
o So long goes the pot to the water, till at last it comes home broken.
o Page 206; translation from William Carew Hazlitt English Proverbs and Proverbial Phrases (London: Reeves and Turner, 1882) p. 352.







Ayenbite of Inwyt ...is my all time favorite.

[uncle phil]

Originally Posted by Plan9

Dear Major Financial Institution,

I keep a ridiculously high balance in my "super elite" account because I get benefits like free overdraft protection. You just charged me a $10 fee for something that was free last month, stating that it is "a new company policy." That's cool. $10 isn't anything to worry about, right? Wrong. I signed up for free overdraft. I expect it to cover me because I'm going to be out of the country and in places where Internet access is iffy at best.

So congratulations. You just lost a long time customer and enough money to pay cash for a BMW 5 series. Jerkoffs.

i love you two, cromp...

[Xerxys]

Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru

• The contraction of "it is" is: "it's," not "its."
• Most pluralization requires simply an "s"; the apostrophe is both unnecessary and incorrect.

Originally Posted by uncle phil

can't forget the other one:

Dear Anal Grammar Nazis:

CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

We're illiterate here ...

[Lindy]

Originally Posted by ring

Yes, Lindy. Did post # 58 scoot by too quickly?

I sense a meta-rant. I'm going to behead the pass itself.

Bye.

Aye, ye be right. Or did I scoot by #58?

Originally Posted by Xerxys

Dear Anal Grammar Nazis:

CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

We're illiterate here ...

Or do you mean "We're illiterate, hear?"

Lindy

[The_Dunedan]

GodDAMMIT people! If you're going to invent a 105% Kickass product, spend a year-plus developing it, and advertise it all over God's creation...FOR FUCK'S SAKE STICK TO YOUR DELIVERY DATES!

Yes, Kel-Tec, I'm talking to you assholes! Y'all make an awesome product, and I sell the living shit outta everything you send me...but every time you come up with something new it takes 3X longer than projected to actually -get- the thing! And it's not like it's an accident or something!

You premier the RFB at SHOT 2007. Kickass, a .308 bullpup that takes cheap-as-shit FAL magazines and lets you slap a reeeeeeally long barrel on the sucker. Run slow powders and 200-grain-plus bullets, and you're getting .300WM performance out of a .308! Awesome! And it'll be available September of 2007 you say? Kickass!

So it's 9/07, and you tell us it'll be available in December. Meanwhile I have people wanting to pay me $4,000+ for one.

So 12/07 rolls around, and you tell us it'll -actually- be released in 3/08, so you can more heavily market it at SHOT 2008. OK, that sucks, but I can live with it.

3/08 gets here, and you tell us that it's -really- coming out in 8/08, to make sure the marketing's had a chance to fully penetrate. Asshole, the penetration is accomplished! Your advertising has penetrated my market so completely that jerkoffs I don't even -know- are coming in here offering me 2x MSRP for this thing!

8/08 comes, and you inform us that you'll -probably- release it for sale sometime around 3/09, to make sure you can advertise it better at SHOT 2009. Meanwhile, the people who -were- offering me thousands of dollars over MSRP a short few months ago are now wondering if this weapon even -exists-, and have bought something else instead.

So now it's 3/09, the first RFB finally shows up nearly two years late, after months of horseshit and chain-jerking and you jackholes admitting that you're delaying introduction of a -HUGELY- desired product for marketing reasons. And do you know what the -result- of that was, you short-sighted morons? NOBODY WANTS THEM ANYMORE. Everybody figures that the reason for the delay is that the thing's a turd. And the sad part is, it's -actually- a completely kickass rifle! However, it's a kickass rifle that neither I nor anybody else can -give- away, because some drunken monkey down in Marketing has you convinced that a marketing strategy which convinces everyone your product is worthless is a GOOD thing!

And now you've done the same thing to us with the PMR-30 pistol, only now you've made it WORSE! You've not only dithered around with "Phantom Gun Syndrome" for months now, you've apparently decided to only distribute these weapons to complete broke-dick do-nothing shops in Possum Hollar, Missourri! These guys do NOTHING! They sell NOTHING! I know this because they have fewer feedbacks on GunBroker than I rack up in a busy week! And yet somehow they have this weapon before any of my distributors, wholesalers, or industry contacts? Puh-leeze. You guys make a great product, and your engineering is really top-shelf stuff, but for fuck's sake quit screwing the dealers! You're never going to get a Gov't contract, so quit chasing that rainbow and remember that it's the DEALERS who make you your money, the DEALERS who support your company, and it's the DEALERS who keep you in business. WE are YOUR customers, and we'd like to be able to stay that way!