pan6467

The pay people searches are ripoffs and I am truly looking to find someone.

How do I go about finding them? I know the year of high school graduation, the first marriage, the military school this person attended but that's it. I have contacted the military alumni and some could help but only so much. (The man's first wife's name.) Other than that there are conflicting reports as to where and what he did after Military school.

The man is my true father, if anyone has any ideas (that don't require money) or can help me or give me advice on ways to search, I'd appreciate it. (I can give other info, birthplace, mom's first name, high school attended, but that's about it.)

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Dilbert1234567

do you know his name? at least his last?

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pan6467

Oh yeah, I have his High school diploma.

The problem is having contacted the alumni associations from his high school and the military school, not many kept in touch after he graduated... let alone 40 years later. I do however, have his first wife's name (including her maiden name.)

For security reasons I'm not going to just blurt out his name or high school or military school.

One thing of interest as I am searching, one person said he stood up as my father's best man in fall 1967 in Austin, Texas. According to that source, my father's wife died shortly and my father told him he was going to Argentina, the source doesn't know anything after that they lost contact.

However, another military school alumni, tells me in the fall of 1967, he went to a Tech school with my father.

Yet, when my father looked us up in 1972, he claimed to be a divorced lawyer (having graduated from Rice, but they don't have a law school.... so maybe she had the school wrong or he lied.) with 2 kids living somewhere in the South. Rice does not have a public alumni list.

So as you can see, this is a mess. My mother says that my father was shady and it wouldn't surprise her if he had been intoi some crime type lifestyle.

The only man my mom knew that knew my father and DID keep in touch with him, was murdered in a drug deal in 1983. He was a big shot, and his unsolved murder was bigtime news back then.

I couldn't make any of this up if I tried..... I'm looking for him because I want some form of closure and I just would like to know him. The scariest part is.... he may not want to be found and if I do find him... I may end up regretting it and it turns out not so good. But on the other hand it could turn out great.

I did do the SS# thingy that checks by name if a person is dead.... according to that he is alive.

I've done prison matches.... there was a man with his first and last name with same middle initial realesed from prison in 2001, however, that man is 7 years too young, UNLESS the age given was the age of con upon release... then it would be a match and a possibility. But I think the age they give is present age.

I've Googled, Yahooed, Dogpiled, Ask.commmed, and so on his name and I don't get much.....

Anyway, I ramble if anyone has any ideas please please let me know, IM me or drop me an e mail. I am becoming desparate and yes it is consuming me because it has become a mystery I truly feel the need to solve.

The deeper I delve into it, the weirder it gets. It's almost like this guy led multiple lives in that era and doesn't want to be found by anyone now.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

ngdawg

Reunion.com claims to be a free people search.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

pan6467

It is to some degree you can type the name in and see if they are listed then in order to contact you have to pay. Same scam as a lot of them. I did go to his HS alumni webpage and he's listed as someone they have no info on, same with his military school. But I have gotten responses and talked to a few (but after 40 years they don't know much but have been helpful), whereas his HS I get nothing.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

The_Jazz

Outside of suggesting things you've already tried, I don't have anything new to add other than a suggestion that paying someone else to do the search may be the best bet. And by "someone" I mean a professional who's directly answerable to you for results rather than access to a search engine. It seems like the most reliable way to get results, but the cost/benefit equation may not work for you.

Good luck, regardless.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
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flstf

About 10 years ago I was given the task of trying to find one of our classmates by the HS reunion committee. The only thing we knew was his name and the year he graduated.

After searching for hours on the net I gave up and hired one of the net detective sites. They found out his SS etc. and found out he retired from the Navy. They got his address but he did not have a phone so they gave me the phone numbers of two of his neighbors in some housing project.

I managed to have one of his neighbors get him but he did not want to talk and had no interest in the reunion. I don't think he really wanted to be found.

pan6467

Thanks Jazz.

I have thought about that, a few years back I was going to hire a private detective, but didn't.

From all the information I am getting and the weird contradictions... one person says he was in Austin, one says he was in W. Va. at the same time, what he told my mom in '72 and what else I'm seeing..... I truly worry that in finding him I may be opening something up I will deeply regret.

On the other hand, I may get the true closure I need and want and find him to be a lot like myself, much the way I found my son to be.

Either way, I need to find him because something inside won't let me rest until I do.

What net detective did you use?

I tried one yesterday, and after paying $30 they gave me nothing of use no phone numbers just a list of names not even ages and this one had some good writeups on it. So I'm weary to try again...don't have the money.

When he came in '72 my mom basically told him to get lost, that he left her and I was adopted by a man who gave me his last name and loved me and she didn't want my real father to be a part of my life. So he may not of contacted me because of that.

I know he came from a pretty rich family and that his father died when he was a kid. He has an older sister that at the time he dated my mom lived in Colorado and was a lesbian.

I also believe if I keep knocking on doors, I'll find someone that knows something and will give me the key I need. It's just finding that person.

My paranoid/conspiracy side says with the conflicting stories I have found someone that knows something but isn't sharing the truth and is throwing me a red herring. My truest fear is that if he was shady, I may find someone who wants to find him also and will use me to find him.

But I'm just weird that way. He's probably some normal lawyer in Texas somewhere with a happy family that never gave me a second thought and will be scared that I'll disrupt his life. The answer to everything maybe so easy I'm overlooking it because I'm focussed on the wrong thing (his military schoolmates.)

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

MexicanOnABike

facebook, myspace, google,...

edit: hmm. i should really start to read threads before posting. If you know his name, can't you start doing random phonebook searches? some places have phonebooks from years ago so you could check where he was at those time. I dunno.

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pan6467

Haven't tried facebook, but tried Google, Myspace, yahoo, dogpile, etc.

I thought about that but the phonebooks don't give ages, plus being unsure of where he is I could end up with 50 names to call only to find his number is unlisted.

No when I make contact I want to be as close to positive that the man I contact is truly the right man. I don't want an awkward situation where I may disrupt an innocent man's life just because he has the same name.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

ngdawg

Only other route is a credit check-all that's needed is name and SS# and/or birthdate. Downside is, that might be illegal, but my dad actually did it on a guy I was seeing.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

flstf

Sorry pan, I can't remember the detective site. I have changed computers several times since then and have lost all records. As I recall I just arbitrarily picked one and got lucky.

From what you have said so far hitting all those dead ends it seems like you will have to hire a pro or hopefully get some help from someone who knows what they are doing. Maybe you will get lucky. With all the identity theft going on nowadays information may be harder to get than it used to be for us rookies.

Brewmaniac

Ask somebody in the mob, they'll find him!

No seriously, if you have a DOB and SS a private investigator sounds like the way to go if he's still in the US and still using the same name. Probably less expensive than you think, but as you alluded to be careful what you wish for!

Pan I sincerely hope it works out in a positive way for you!

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

JoshuaH

You may want to try ZabaSearch.

pan6467

I don't have exact birthdate and given year of HS grad. it puts him in 1946. No SS# either. The way I checked the SS for a registered death is that website you type in the name and it shows all the people with that name that are dead, noone close to his age with that name have been recorded dead..... doesn't mean he isn't.

I truly appreciate everyone's help and keep the ideas coming.

JoshuaH am going to try Zaba right now.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

pan6467

Tried and found someone matching his birthyear (age) and in the area his roommate told me he was in when he had last heard from him (before he told the roommate he was going to Argentina).

It gave me an address and a phone number even. I called some lady with an older very polite voice answered and I hung up.

I am scared now. I want to ask and see it may or may not be him. (My gut feeling is if this isn't him then he truly doesn't want to be found and if it is him .... am I ready for rejection or worse yet acceptance from him.)

Now my question is how do I go about talking to this man and asking him, without having him believe I am after something?

All, I want is to let him know I would like to meet him just once.

I look at myself and my situation and I wanted to know my son and have him know me. But not everyone is like that. Some people just don't care.

I look at the fact he did look us up when I was 5, and the fact my mother told him to leave us alone.

Can I handle the rejection? Can I handle the acceptence? I know I need to call and talk to this man at least.

How would any of you handle someone coming to you 40 years later and saying their your son?

BTW given where he lives, I would say he is very wealthy.... if this is him. I know his family had money when he was with my mother.... how do I convince him it isn't about money just my wanting to know him?

Or handle going to a man you have never met and at age 40 say your his offspring?

I truly need advice and how others would handle this....... PLEASE HELP.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

highthief

The only thing I can say is it sounds like you really want to meet him, for whatever reason, and you'd best get on about before it is too late. He can't be a young man anymore, and if you delay because you are unwilling to commit the funds to a proper search, you will probably regret it forever.

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Si vis pacem parabellum.

roachboy

i've been thinking about this thread for a bit and this is what i can suggest to you pan...

first off, i met my father when i was 20--i hadn't seen him since i was 5--and things did not turn out so well in the longer run insofar as building a relationship went---but regardless, i can tell you (from my experience anyway) that no matter the outcome, this is worth doing. no matter what happens, you will learn alot--maybe in some ways more than you want to know, or--better--alot that is different enough from what you are expecting that it may seem as if it is more than you want to know.

--try not to have expectations. by this i don't mean erase your mind: more try to let your expectations float as a way of allowing yourself to remain open to what is possible and what is not possible. this is hard because it runs against what i expect you feel. but you have to remember that you are (and in curious ways that may become evident as you talk, if you do, are not) strangers to each other.

--try not to let your mind race ahead of where you are. this may be important if it turns out that you are right and that your bio-father is now wealthy--he could suspect mercenary motivations and these suspicions could develop on the basis of really silly things, like allowing yourself too much latitude for projection.
my father got the idea that my brother and i were interested in building a relationship because he had cash. so far as i remember, he kinda made that up--but i dont know, maybe something one of us said triggered it. at one point, he decided to test us out by telling us that he had cancer. but he didnt. he was a fun kinda guy, let me tell you.

at any rate, much of this remains quite outside your control. the only thing you can really do is try to exlude it as a variable as you try to talk to him.

--try not to frame the interaction to yourself as acceptance or rejection simply because the conversation, when you have it, if this is the right guy, will be obviously over-determined situationally.
it will be emotionally very strange for both of you.
sometimes the situation itself shapes the outcomes. this might be one of those times--in which case the outcomes are as much about the situation as anything else--acceptance or rejection of you as a person would come later.
so dont frame it this way to yourself going in--you'll distort your reactions within an already complicated space.

--most importantly: make the call.

on a semi-related note, two goofy sidebar stories--when i first got to philadelphia, i found that sun ra--whose music i love--was listed in the philly phonebook...ra, sun...so i had this day job and every so often i would look up the number and dial it to the last digit. then i'd put the phone down. i should have called. i wonder what would have happened. here's why: going the other way, i worked with cornelius castoriadis--a french-based philosopher--for quite a long time on my research for my dissertation and other things--i met him because i called him up. frankly, the last thing on earth i expected was for him to answer the phone--but he did. that phonecall altered the course of my life. and i only made it because i was quite sure he wouldn't answer. once i regained my equilibrium a little, we have a conversation and i met him a few weeks later in baltimore. that was when the test came--but i suspected is was coming, so i was ready for it--and it was a much less pathological exercise then the one dear old dad decided it would be funny to run.

so make the call.

that's what i can tell you.
good luck.
let us know how things turn out for you, if you feel so inclined (this is ultimately a private matter, which is why i say that)...

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it make you sick.

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